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..and I realize I haven't posted since November!

Sorry about that, but I find it hard to talk about things when they aren't on my mind.  This month marks nine months of no contact.  It feels like forever ago, like another life.  I can't imagine having her in my life at all.  In some ways, I feel so different.  In others, I don't feel different enough.

IT'S BEEN NINE MONTHS, BABY!

I enjoy not having her around.  But I don't feel like I am fully living up to the potential in my life by her not being here to ruin things.  I think in some ways, I've become a little paralyzed.  Fear has always ruled my life, but lately, I've been breaking out my shell (the one my mother built around me) and finding ways to be who I was supposed to be without her influence in my life.

And it's been hard.  But lately, I've actually been finishing things I've started.  I've been proving that I am not that person who she made me out to be (to myself and to others).  I've been capable this entire time, but having her around to down me and tell me the opposite was what was causing me to be the person she hated me for.

Let me find other words for what I mean: she created the person I was in order to make fun of me and to get her narcissistic supply.  But I am not that person.  Or rather, I am learning how to not to be that person anymore.

I am learning to respect my own time and my own abilities.  I still have a fear of failure, but I've been moving forward steadily, little by little.  So if I have a setback, it's no big deal compared to before when I'd push myself like mad, fail, and then give up.  Rinse, lather, repeat.

I've been replaying this thing she said about me when I first found out she was a narcissist back in 2013.  She told my family "I don't know why she is such a failure in life.  She could have done something with her life, but chose not to."  She was talking about me (obviously).  This is because my hubby and I recently cleaned out my art studio/office for our home business and found the letter that was sent to me right after that family reunion where she said it.  It was addressed to my initials only with my address and contained a Xeroxed copy of a magazine's advice column that read "Dear Whatever, I am in my 30's and I am failure at life."  It had to be one of my cousins, but it could had been anyone.

I am not a failure.  But I think I'll make that my next blog post.  And wrap this one up.  I am so tired, as I've been working my ass off all afternoon getting stuff done for my store and I could just fall asleep.

Yes, 9 months, ladies and gents <3  Nine freaking whole months.  I love it!!