Question from a reader: "I am a Christian and I am having a hard time with 'honor thy mother and they father' and still protect myself from my abusive parents.  What should I do?" 

The answer to this question lies in the question itself: mother and father.  You have to ask yourself, what do these words mean to you?  You can go the traditional route and say they are the people who gave birth to you.  But many people are adopted, so that can't be something that matters in the grand scheme of things.  So then you have to look at the second definition: the people that raised you.

But you then have to really challenge that idea too.  Because many of us who were raised by abusive (no matter how little or much they abused us) narcissists, had to pretty much raise ourselves.  The bible is all about interpretation (though some see it as literal), and I suggest you interpret the terms "mother and father" as loosely as they fit into them.  My father was alcoholic who beat my mother and mentally tormented me.  Does that sound like a father to you?  My mother would get abused by  my father, and then get to the point where she's have enough and then turn him on me, on purpose.  She sent him to hurt me.  And then she'd tell me I was crazy if I'd confront her about it.  Does that sound like a mother to you?  (Once she told me if I called the cops after my dad punched me in the face she's beat my ass so badly they'd have a reason to arrest her instead).

Letting you live in their home and paying for you to survive (and some don't even do that much) does not a parent make.  Any adult in the right position can do that.

So, what does "mother and father" mean to you?  For most of us, the only "mother and father" we have are our inner parents, the ones we create for ourselves.  So you could interpret that line to honor your inner mother and father, those that would nurture you and love you no matter what.  To honor those that would protect you from others who hurt you (like your birth parents, or whomever you identify as your abusers).

So honor yourself, and protect yourself from anyone who's agenda is to cause you pain.  Because no matter your belief, your higher power would NEVER want you to subjected people who are abusive and can't (and won't) change.

But there is another way to interpret that line: honoring your mother and father does not mean you have to be around them.  You can honor them by giving them their space to be who they are without your presence in their lives.  You can't change them, right? (and the answer is no, you can't)  So why live your life being miserable because you can't change them?  Honor who they are by letting them be abusive on their own time, away from you.  We do not owe other human beings (besides our children--unless they are abusive) anything at all.  And we certainly never EVER owe anyone the right to hurt and abuse us, no matter who they are.

When you go no contact?  In it's own way, it IS honoring our parents.  We are saying "I am going just going to let you be who you are without my interference or judgment and protect myself at the same time."  It's probably the ultimate way of honoring them, because we can stop participating in their drama and stop trying to change them into the parents we want them to be.  They are then free to just be who they are.

Whichever way you want to come to the understanding that going no contact in no way goes against religious beliefs, it doesn't matter.  The important thing is that you realize this and do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and your family from your abusive parent(s).  Because your job first and foremost is to honor yourself (your inner parents) and your children's parents (you and your significant other) when it comes to abuse.

Protecting our children (and our inner children) from those who wish us harm is an innate human drive.  And not protecting them (and ourselves) makes us closer to acting like our abusers (ask yourself, how many time did your parent(s) put you in harms way or fail to protect you?) and that's not our goal in life, is it?

No, our goal is to be the best humans we can be, and be the best parents (inner and to our own children, if we have them) we can be as well.

Love and forgiveness never means having to put yourself or your family in harm's away.  Never.  So don't get confused when you're trying to decipher religion vs. how to treat your abusive parent(s).  Protecting yourself and your family comes first before the people that cause you all pain.  Period. 

After you get that part down, the rest comes easy 🙂