Well, it finally happened.  She came to my house today.

I was sitting on my couch when I heard a knock at my door.  I ignored it.  Nobody comes to visit me, so it's either the mail carrier, or some idiot selling something.  Turns out it wasn't either.  After the first knock, I waited.  And then the second knock came louder, and angrier.  I thought to myself   "Mail carriers don't knock like that.  That person sounds impatient."

Like I said, I never answer my door.  But today, I am moving in a little over a week and thought "What the hell?" and I went to go yell at the sales person.  I opened my very loud front door and walked onto my enclosed porch.  I looked out at the car and saw my mother's car.  Rather than stopping, I looked out the front door and saw her standing on my steps.  She was looking away, so I turned my heel and walked right back into the house and slammed the door shut.

I then walked right upstairs to tell my husband what was going on, but I was freaking out: my heart racing, my breathing erratic.

He sat down next to me and rubbed my feet.  We waited until we hear her car door slam and then we went back downstairs.  When we did, I realized my two bigger dogs were outside, one of which used to be hers.  I started freaking out again, thinking she'd try to steal her before we moved.  So I rushed the dogs back into the house.  I need get my dog's (who used to be hers) microchip name and address changed asap!  Actually once we move, we need to change all their microchips.

Last week, my husband had to go visit her to get her to sign papers giving me my life insurance policy back to me.  And then I had my moving sale on Monday, which some neighbors attended and found out we were moving.  So therefore, I assume, she thinks the door is now open for her to come and visit (I actually think she was coming to threaten something at me---like guilt/threaten, because that's what she does) because my husband went to her house.  OR she thinks she HAS to break my boundaries (and my many times of telling her I was going to get a restraining order on her) because I am moving out of state  and she probably won't see me again.  But the thing is, she wasn't going to see me again anyways.  Didn't matter if I live a block away (like we do now) or 7 hours away.

But this door knocking thing reminded me of the last day I saw her.  I was in my living room and all of a sudden she came banging at my door.  Then she moved to windows and started banging on the windows like crazy, yelling and screaming inside them like a maniac.  Then she moved to the back door and started banging on that.  So this time I started panicking, thinking she'd do the same thing, so immediately went upstairs.  And then I worried she was going to leave a note, but thank goodness, she did not.

I hoped this day wouldn't have come.  I hoped she'd leave me alone, per my wishes.  But deep down, I knew better.  I wanted to leave here, get to my new home, and just slip out silently, only to have her drive by and see nobody lives there anymore.  But instead, she had to try to bust all up in my business.

I could have opened the door and handed her the envelope full of her information for her pacemaker that was in my files.  I could have asked her what she wanted.  I could have said "I am sorry for your loss", due to her friends' deaths.  I could have done a lot of things.  But I knew better.  In that split second when I was dumbfounded seeing her figure through the window on the door, I knew that there was nothing left to say.  There was nothing I can do to change her and that if I did engage, she would guilt me or if she would pretend to be nice to me, it would only last for a short bit.  There is nothing left to say.

I am no contact for a reason.  

When you are faced with your mother standing at your door when she knows you want nothing to do with her, remember that.  You are no contact for a reason.  Just because they show up doesn't mean you have to engage.  Yesterday I posted a meme on my personal Facebook page that said:

"Don't blame the clown for acting like a clown.  Blame yourself for going to the circus."

And today?  That was my mantra.  Narcissists will act like narcissists.  ALWAYS.  Even if they aren't showing it.  Deep down, they are using you and manipulating you, ALWAYS.  So if we engage?  We are bringing that circus down upon us and it will be our fault, not theirs.  They are just acting like a narcissist.  That's who they are.  We can't expect them to be different or to act different.  The only person we can expect change from is ourselves.

And by not opening that door today, I saved myself from a whole slew of heartache and drama.  Just because they show up, doesn't mean anything other than they are trying to create narcissistic supply.

Not opening that door was hard, I have to admit.  My old self would have.  But it's been a year and three months or so and I've had time to heal.  I've had time to change.  I still feel a little strange about it.  But I know I did the right thing. So just remember that with every single person in your life who you're trying to stay no contact with:

Just because they show up, doesn't mean you have to engage.

Showing up doesn't have any special meaning.  It actually doesn't mean anything at all, other than they are lonely and want to have a go at hurting you again.  That's it.  So take your guilt for not engaging, like I am taking mine, and do something with it instead of letting it build up inside of you.  I chose to write this blog.  But you can choose to talk it out with someone, or create art about it, or put it in a story, remind yourself of why you're no contact, or punch a pillow.  Just do something with it so you don't let it control you to the point you feel guilty enough to engage with them again.  Because that's a recipe for disaster. &nbsp We are capable of love, so we are capable of feeling guilt.  They do not feel love, so they do not feel guilty, no matter how much they say they do.  They will use our love against us.  Because that's what they do.  I am choosing to put my love with those that deserve it: my kids and my hubby (and our pets).  That's it.  I refuse to engage with those that hurt me and my family.

And I am happy with my choice.

And I mean this literally.  My mother has had her posse of little codependent inverted narcissists for years now.  They all start with the letter L.  One is BM, whom I have named in this blog before, but her real name is Lisa.  Linda died earlier this year, which I've known about for awhile.  Then Lisa died a month later.  Now only one L remains.

Lisa was my mother's "other-daughter" (like Coraline's "other-mother").  Lisa wanted to be my mother's child, literally stirring the pot to shove me and my kids out of her life so she could be her only family (she even said this to the other L).  Lisa was around 50, ten years older than me.  And she treated my mother like shit when she didn't need her.  Just as my mother did to her.

She was my mother's neighbor, with a crass mouth (worse than mine), and was embarrassing as hell.  She was trashy as fuck, and pretended to be nice to get things from people (which is what she did with my mother).  Now, I put up with her, but when we were no contact with my mother the first time, she tried to poison my mother against my children (and successfully did so with my oldest).  Then that started my hatred of her.

Let me set something straight: BM is damaged.  So very, very damaged.  She was beaten as a child, probably worse than any child abuse story I know personally.  She was raised by a narcissistic mother, who abandoned her after they left her father.  She allowed BM to get beat.  And BM was so very codependent with her mother.

So while I hated her, I also felt horribly sorry for her.  She was probably brain damaged from all the beatings she received in her head.  Even if not, she was raised so horribly, that she had no choice but to be the person she ended up being.  She didn't know any better.  But that didn't mean I had to like her or be around her.

But now, she's dead.  She had cancer.  I knew her daughter had cancer, but I had no idea BM had it too.  I am not happy about it.  I am not jumping for joy.  But I am also not sad, either.  Shocked, a little, but not sad.  It's an odd feeling to have someone die that you don't like, that you once did.  It's conflicting.

I feel shocked because back when I was codependent with my own mother, I was a part of that posse.  Me and the 3-L's were part of my mom's gang.  We hung out daily.  So to have two of them be dead, it feels surreal.

Now my mother had no daughters.  I thought it was better, walking away, leaving BM to be my mother's daughter substitute.  And she was.  She fully integrated herself into my mother's life, and became me.  I was fine with that (although at first it made me angry, but I got over that quickly).  But now, she's gone.  There's nobody to fill my spot.  And now my mother is lonely.  While I shouldn't care about that, for some stupid reason, I do.

But you see?  You see what's going on here?  It's that pull, that most of us feel at some point or another, our empathy, it gets the better of us and we start to feel bad.  I don't want to feel bad.  I want to be free.

But maybe I need to feel bad in order to detach fully?  I know that sounds backwards, but what if I need to feel empathy for my mother, in order to fully forgive her?  How can I forgive her without it?  Before, I was feeling pretty numb.  It was hard for me to have empathy.  Instead, in place of the anger I felt for a year (or rather, 5 years), I felt nothing.  Now?  I feel bad for her.

But what does that mean?  Does that mean I will allow her manipulate me again?  Does that mean I will ever be able to feel love for her as a mother again?  Does that mean I will subject myself and my family to be constantly lied to again?  For second, I did forget about that.  But then I remembered.  I remembered that hearing her speak will just trigger me to know she's lying.  Because she's always lying.  Anything that will manipulate me to bend to her will.  She's mentally ill.  She's sick.  And she's alone (although she does have one L left).  While that does makes me feel bad for her, it doesn't mean I should fix it.  It's not really up to me to fix her anymore.  When I tried to help her in the past, to fix her problems, all it got me was abuse in return.

What would change now?  Nothing, that's what.  So what she's lonely?  If I were her true family, she'd have been a better mother to me.  She'd have been a better human being.  Everything I say to her is used against me eventually, so no, I cannot, and WILL NOT have a relationship with her again.  But I can forgive her and move on.

And I think after hearing about her unhappy, and lonely life (as she told my husband about a few days ago when she signed the legal papers I needed signed), it has opened up that part of me that was locked.  That part of me that was needed in order to fully feel this journey, and to fully embrace it.

You have to empathize in order to fully forgive and detach from your own pain. 

Feeling bad for her means I don't need to feel bad for me anymore.  Or at least a little less.  And feeling bad for her doesn't mean I'll be sending her cards, gift baskets, calling her, etc.  It's just for me.  I can feel things without sharing them with her.

And now that Linda and Lisa are both dead, and my mom's circle of friends that I left her with is dwindling, she may feel things as well and may try to reach out to me.  But no matter what, I will not be inviting that into my life.  Nor will I be responding, unless it's tell her to stop.

My feelings about my mother, feeling bad for her loneliness, was scaring the crap out of me.  I thought "What if I go back?  I don't want to go back, but what if I do?"  But now I know the answer: I won't.  I am just going to use these feelings to further propel me on my path to healing.  These feelings are for me, not her.  Nothing of me is for her anymore.  She used all of that up when everything I did was for her, and I got nothing but negativity, judgment, and abuse in return.

And now, I can move forward without feeling blocked about how I feel about my mother.  I am not wholly there yet, but this is another step on a long road of healing.  But at least it's a step, and I am grateful to be open to having feelings about her that aren't full of hatred.  Although the anger is still sort of there, may always be until a long time after her death (as it was with my father).  But I'd rather not live in that mindset if I don't have to.  I'd like to eventually remember the good times, if at all possible.  It's hard though, because I feel like her words were always laced with lies and manipulations, so where there ever really any good times between us?  Or was it all just a fabrication of a sick mind?  I just don't know.

Something to explore further in another post sometime 🙂

Yesterday my husband went down to her house and had her sign the papers so I could get control of my own life insurance policy.  I was a nervous wreck.  She lives a block away, and I've successfully avoided seeing her, minus three times:

1. She used to drive past my house honking and yelling things at me while I was inside.  I looked out to see her doing it once. 
2. I drove past her house, and she was outside, staring at us.
3. We drove past her coming out of a store we both shop it.  We kept driving, and she waited to leave until we were completely out of sight.  

If you missed my last post about forgiveness, please read this first.  It will give you insight into the way I view this process, rather than just using some blanket term that doesn't mean anything.  

So, we always hear about how we should be forgive so we can move on with our lives.  But nobody ever tells us exactly how to do it.  That's why I want to share with you my path so you can get some ideas on how to do this yourself.

Because forgiving someone who has abused you isn't always easy.  It's complicated, and unless you have some basis on how to do it, it's damn near impossible.  So while I am not 100% there yet, I am getting there.  I am starting slowly and making an active choice to forgive my mother (whereas the other people I've forgiven were done passively and surprisingly).

Forgiveness is about detachment, nothing more.  It's a way to detach yourself from the situation, and heal completely without leftover hurt and pain.

Imagine yourself in your bubble.  The bubble contains your hurt, your pain, your anger, and your trauma.  The bubble forms when your trauma began and continues to surround you while experiencing your trauma.  Once you leave the traumatic situation, that bubble doesn't go away with it.  Instead it stays, insulting our pain.

In the beginning of healing, after we've left our situations, we need this bubble.  We need it immensely.  We need to surround ourselves with our pain in order to move past it.  We have to immerse ourselves in it and feel every single feeling we were denied feeling while we were living our trauma.

You have to feel it, to heal it.

But once we start healing, that bubble is supposed to detach.  But that is a hard thing to do.  If we are still feeling pain or anger, even after we've thought we were healed, then we know that bubble is still hanging on.

This is where I am at right now.  I am still feeling slight feelings of anger and resentment.  I know part of this reason is that I am still keeping my bubble around me on purpose.  I am still immersing myself in my pain by participating in things that keep me there.  I am still surrounding myself with negativity in ways I never realized were so negative.  In the beginning, those negative things helped.  BUT now?  They are hindering my healing process.  So I decided to take action so I can fully participate in my healing process.


Here are the steps I am taking so I can gear up my brain to get on the path of forgiveness and detachment, as well as learning to live in a more positive space in my life:

1. I am unfollowing all Facebook pages about narcissism.  I no longer wish to read these anymore, as they are wholly negative.  I've been in the thick of healing from her abuse for five years (and only one of those years have I been no contact).  So I've read them all.  I know about maternal NPD inside and out.  I immersed myself in it, soaked it all in, and now I need to let it go.  I can't actively heal if I am still being triggered by memes about narcissism and screaming "HELL YEAH!  My mom is soooo like that!" every single time I see one.  I just unfollow them as they come up in my newsfeed on Facebook, rather than seeking them out.  I am making a conscious choice to be nonchalant about this, as to further my healing stance of detachment.
2. I am not sharing negative memes or articles on my Facebook page or on this blog anymore.  Instead, I am actively choosing to heal.  So I will choose only healing memes and articles to share on my social media and  this blog.  
3. My Facebook group "Healing From Her: Undoing the Damage of Maternal Narcissism" has been archived.  I am all for helping others heal from their trauma, but right now it's more of a hindrance than a help to my healing process.  Maybe again one day I will be able to do this again, but for now, I just can't.  I waited until my group's activity level is basically at zero, so I am not hurting anyone by shelving it (which would go against why I created it to begin with). 
4. I have named my negative self (the part of me that wants to be angry) Jethro.  Jethro is a hick with a low IQ, and doesn't know any better.  I will quietly shush Jethro whenever a negative thought comes up or when I want to say something negative online or in my real life.  Jethro is full of my mother's words and thoughts, as well as all of those other narcissists I've known in my life.  If you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, it works to change your entire mindset in life.  Growing up with such trauma has made me such an angry person at times.  I am slowly getting better, but still have a long way to go.  So I will just have to keep Jethro at bay and see the blessings instead of the negatives.  Easier said than done, but it's a necessity at this point in my life, as I do not want to live out my life being angry or negative. 

Let's start with a video that got the ball rolling on my path on wanting to forgive people.






Actually, my path started many years ago, back in 2012 when I forgave my father 12 years after his death of the abuse he doled out to me and my mother.  I talk about this in my previous post.  Throughout the years, I've tried so many different ways to learn how to forgive people, but none ever stuck until that day.

• I've tried journaling (working out my feelings on paper is always a great way for me to understand someone else's POV or their motivations for why they did what they did).
• I started a secret angry poetry blog called "The Angry Beaver's House of Poetry" (another way for me to deal with my pain and anger was to write poetry--they aren't any good, but the point wasn't to make them good, the point was to get my anger). 
• I've written about my feelings in this blog (that's why I started this blog to begin with: to work through what I was going through).
• I've tried writing unsent letters (this does help, a LOT, I highly suggest it to anyone and everyone, just either throw the letter away when done, or keep it hidden away from that person). 
• I've tried just "forgetting" about it (this will only work for a short period of time, but the anger and pain will always pop back up again--when you see them or in the form of dreams or in other subconscious ways)

Forgiving is a Very Personal Choice

What Forgiveness Isn't

What Forgiveness Is

How Forgiveness Has Made My Life Better

When Forgiving Isn't Okay

It's been over a year now that I've been no contact with my mother.  I don't even count the months anymore.  For the first time since this has all began, it doesn't matter as much to me.  Instead of living in the hurt, I am choosing to attempt at living with acceptance and forgiveness.  I don't know if this will be possible or not, but this is the path I am on at the moment.

Six years ago, in 2012, I fully forgave my father of his abuse and moved past the pain into the light.  What light?  I don't know.  I just felt lighter and less heavy & burdened than I did when I lived with his abuse.  Now when I think of him and his actions, I feel absolutely no emotional response.  If you would have told me I'd be able to live this way seven years ago, I'd have laughed in your face.  I wore my pain like a badge of honor, as that pain made me survivor.  I was valid in my contempt of him.  I was justified.  And I hated him.

But then, 12 years ago, when my bedroom used to be on the first floor of our house, I was meditating (not something I normally do, but something I do from time to time).  And I had what some may call a spiritual experience.  I am an atheist, yes, but I am not opposed to these things (although I do not attribute them to anything but my own understanding being opened up).  I was reading "Dying to be Me" by Anita Moorjani, and I had an epiphany due to something she had said in her book:

If someone could choose to do better, they would.  Evil only happens when the human body is biologically broken: addictions, mistakes in brain development, etc.  

In that moment, a universal truth washed over me like a flood: if my father could have chosen to be a better father, husband, and human, he would have.  His broken body caused him to do the things he did and act the way he acted.

I am not saying what he did was okay.  Certainly not.  But did I have to still be carrying around his abuse 12 years after his death?  Did I have to live with all of those complex emotions between love and hate and back again every single moment of my life?  He was dead.  And I wanted to cut the chain between his bad behavior and my psyche.  There was no reason to let him still control me like that.  Not for that long.

So I cut the cord that linked us in that dance between abuser and victim.

I forgave him.  

It wasn't a difficult thing for me to do, surprisingly.  I mean, after all, it had been 12 years of distance between his actions and myself.  This epiphany stuck with me, too.  It's been 6 years since that day and I have only had about two instances where I still felt anger towards some memories.

So fast forward to a couple days ago, when I had another epiphany from reading a book (the best ideas are all in books, btw!).  The book is "Beyond Fear" by Mary Carroll Nelson.  It sums up Don Miguel Ruiz's ideas from his books.  (sidenote: The Voice of Knowledge by him changed my life as well)  Now, unlike his books, this woman goes deep, deep, deep into the Toltec ideas and teachings and I will have to say it's very "out there".  Kind of a crazy at times.  But, if you're like me, you can take anything and adhere it to your own belief system (mine is psychology) and take from it the lessons that are meant to be taken.

So the lesson I learned was that if you leave your mind on negative things, then it will just feed your soul more negativity.  So therefore, it becomes a cycle.  Like anger begets more anger, sadness begets more sadness, victim mentality begets more victim mentality (and also forces you to rally other victims into your mentality--which isn't always a bad thing, but eventually, none of you can move forward), etc.  My blog is an example of me being a victim, and attracting other victims.  WHICH is a good thing, or was.  But now it's time to take my victim mentality and turn it into forward movement, so we ALL can move forward.  I don't want to just be dwelling on her abuse anymore.  I don't want my page (or my existence) to create more space for you not move forward into healing.

Does that healing mean you have to forgive your mother?  Not if you don't want to.  Everyone has their own path.  But to me, for me to heal, I am working on forgiveness.  Something I NEVER thought I could ever do.  But here we are.  If you're not ready to forgive your mother, then please, do not even try to force yourself to.  I know from experience just how that can backfire and leave you feeling worse.  But if you feel that you want to move away from anger and sadness into the light (meaning feeling lighter and less burdened), then follow along from here on out.

Will this work?  Maybe, maybe not.  But I am going to try.  And I want to take this blog with  me, as it's always been chronicle of my own journey on this path.

I don't want to feed my negativity anymore.  Or at least try not to.

Well, here we go.  Let's hope this works :)