If you missed my last post about forgiveness, please read this first.  It will give you insight into the way I view this process, rather than just using some blanket term that doesn't mean anything.  

So, we always hear about how we should be forgive so we can move on with our lives.  But nobody ever tells us exactly how to do it.  That's why I want to share with you my path so you can get some ideas on how to do this yourself.

Because forgiving someone who has abused you isn't always easy.  It's complicated, and unless you have some basis on how to do it, it's damn near impossible.  So while I am not 100% there yet, I am getting there.  I am starting slowly and making an active choice to forgive my mother (whereas the other people I've forgiven were done passively and surprisingly).

Forgiveness is about detachment, nothing more.  It's a way to detach yourself from the situation, and heal completely without leftover hurt and pain.

Imagine yourself in your bubble.  The bubble contains your hurt, your pain, your anger, and your trauma.  The bubble forms when your trauma began and continues to surround you while experiencing your trauma.  Once you leave the traumatic situation, that bubble doesn't go away with it.  Instead it stays, insulting our pain.

In the beginning of healing, after we've left our situations, we need this bubble.  We need it immensely.  We need to surround ourselves with our pain in order to move past it.  We have to immerse ourselves in it and feel every single feeling we were denied feeling while we were living our trauma.

You have to feel it, to heal it.

But once we start healing, that bubble is supposed to detach.  But that is a hard thing to do.  If we are still feeling pain or anger, even after we've thought we were healed, then we know that bubble is still hanging on.

This is where I am at right now.  I am still feeling slight feelings of anger and resentment.  I know part of this reason is that I am still keeping my bubble around me on purpose.  I am still immersing myself in my pain by participating in things that keep me there.  I am still surrounding myself with negativity in ways I never realized were so negative.  In the beginning, those negative things helped.  BUT now?  They are hindering my healing process.  So I decided to take action so I can fully participate in my healing process.


Here are the steps I am taking so I can gear up my brain to get on the path of forgiveness and detachment, as well as learning to live in a more positive space in my life:

1. I am unfollowing all Facebook pages about narcissism.  I no longer wish to read these anymore, as they are wholly negative.  I've been in the thick of healing from her abuse for five years (and only one of those years have I been no contact).  So I've read them all.  I know about maternal NPD inside and out.  I immersed myself in it, soaked it all in, and now I need to let it go.  I can't actively heal if I am still being triggered by memes about narcissism and screaming "HELL YEAH!  My mom is soooo like that!" every single time I see one.  I just unfollow them as they come up in my newsfeed on Facebook, rather than seeking them out.  I am making a conscious choice to be nonchalant about this, as to further my healing stance of detachment.
2. I am not sharing negative memes or articles on my Facebook page or on this blog anymore.  Instead, I am actively choosing to heal.  So I will choose only healing memes and articles to share on my social media and  this blog.  
3. My Facebook group "Healing From Her: Undoing the Damage of Maternal Narcissism" has been archived.  I am all for helping others heal from their trauma, but right now it's more of a hindrance than a help to my healing process.  Maybe again one day I will be able to do this again, but for now, I just can't.  I waited until my group's activity level is basically at zero, so I am not hurting anyone by shelving it (which would go against why I created it to begin with). 
4. I have named my negative self (the part of me that wants to be angry) Jethro.  Jethro is a hick with a low IQ, and doesn't know any better.  I will quietly shush Jethro whenever a negative thought comes up or when I want to say something negative online or in my real life.  Jethro is full of my mother's words and thoughts, as well as all of those other narcissists I've known in my life.  If you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, it works to change your entire mindset in life.  Growing up with such trauma has made me such an angry person at times.  I am slowly getting better, but still have a long way to go.  So I will just have to keep Jethro at bay and see the blessings instead of the negatives.  Easier said than done, but it's a necessity at this point in my life, as I do not want to live out my life being angry or negative.