Well, it finally happened.  She came to my house today.

I was sitting on my couch when I heard a knock at my door.  I ignored it.  Nobody comes to visit me, so it's either the mail carrier, or some idiot selling something.  Turns out it wasn't either.  After the first knock, I waited.  And then the second knock came louder, and angrier.  I thought to myself   "Mail carriers don't knock like that.  That person sounds impatient."

Like I said, I never answer my door.  But today, I am moving in a little over a week and thought "What the hell?" and I went to go yell at the sales person.  I opened my very loud front door and walked onto my enclosed porch.  I looked out at the car and saw my mother's car.  Rather than stopping, I looked out the front door and saw her standing on my steps.  She was looking away, so I turned my heel and walked right back into the house and slammed the door shut.

I then walked right upstairs to tell my husband what was going on, but I was freaking out: my heart racing, my breathing erratic.

He sat down next to me and rubbed my feet.  We waited until we hear her car door slam and then we went back downstairs.  When we did, I realized my two bigger dogs were outside, one of which used to be hers.  I started freaking out again, thinking she'd try to steal her before we moved.  So I rushed the dogs back into the house.  I need get my dog's (who used to be hers) microchip name and address changed asap!  Actually once we move, we need to change all their microchips.

Last week, my husband had to go visit her to get her to sign papers giving me my life insurance policy back to me.  And then I had my moving sale on Monday, which some neighbors attended and found out we were moving.  So therefore, I assume, she thinks the door is now open for her to come and visit (I actually think she was coming to threaten something at me---like guilt/threaten, because that's what she does) because my husband went to her house.  OR she thinks she HAS to break my boundaries (and my many times of telling her I was going to get a restraining order on her) because I am moving out of state  and she probably won't see me again.  But the thing is, she wasn't going to see me again anyways.  Didn't matter if I live a block away (like we do now) or 7 hours away.

But this door knocking thing reminded me of the last day I saw her.  I was in my living room and all of a sudden she came banging at my door.  Then she moved to windows and started banging on the windows like crazy, yelling and screaming inside them like a maniac.  Then she moved to the back door and started banging on that.  So this time I started panicking, thinking she'd do the same thing, so immediately went upstairs.  And then I worried she was going to leave a note, but thank goodness, she did not.

I hoped this day wouldn't have come.  I hoped she'd leave me alone, per my wishes.  But deep down, I knew better.  I wanted to leave here, get to my new home, and just slip out silently, only to have her drive by and see nobody lives there anymore.  But instead, she had to try to bust all up in my business.

I could have opened the door and handed her the envelope full of her information for her pacemaker that was in my files.  I could have asked her what she wanted.  I could have said "I am sorry for your loss", due to her friends' deaths.  I could have done a lot of things.  But I knew better.  In that split second when I was dumbfounded seeing her figure through the window on the door, I knew that there was nothing left to say.  There was nothing I can do to change her and that if I did engage, she would guilt me or if she would pretend to be nice to me, it would only last for a short bit.  There is nothing left to say.

I am no contact for a reason.  

When you are faced with your mother standing at your door when she knows you want nothing to do with her, remember that.  You are no contact for a reason.  Just because they show up doesn't mean you have to engage.  Yesterday I posted a meme on my personal Facebook page that said:

"Don't blame the clown for acting like a clown.  Blame yourself for going to the circus."

And today?  That was my mantra.  Narcissists will act like narcissists.  ALWAYS.  Even if they aren't showing it.  Deep down, they are using you and manipulating you, ALWAYS.  So if we engage?  We are bringing that circus down upon us and it will be our fault, not theirs.  They are just acting like a narcissist.  That's who they are.  We can't expect them to be different or to act different.  The only person we can expect change from is ourselves.

And by not opening that door today, I saved myself from a whole slew of heartache and drama.  Just because they show up, doesn't mean anything other than they are trying to create narcissistic supply.

Not opening that door was hard, I have to admit.  My old self would have.  But it's been a year and three months or so and I've had time to heal.  I've had time to change.  I still feel a little strange about it.  But I know I did the right thing. So just remember that with every single person in your life who you're trying to stay no contact with:

Just because they show up, doesn't mean you have to engage.

Showing up doesn't have any special meaning.  It actually doesn't mean anything at all, other than they are lonely and want to have a go at hurting you again.  That's it.  So take your guilt for not engaging, like I am taking mine, and do something with it instead of letting it build up inside of you.  I chose to write this blog.  But you can choose to talk it out with someone, or create art about it, or put it in a story, remind yourself of why you're no contact, or punch a pillow.  Just do something with it so you don't let it control you to the point you feel guilty enough to engage with them again.  Because that's a recipe for disaster. &nbsp We are capable of love, so we are capable of feeling guilt.  They do not feel love, so they do not feel guilty, no matter how much they say they do.  They will use our love against us.  Because that's what they do.  I am choosing to put my love with those that deserve it: my kids and my hubby (and our pets).  That's it.  I refuse to engage with those that hurt me and my family.

And I am happy with my choice.