One way you can tell if someone is narcissistic (or a narcissist or has NPD), is that they always need an audience.  You don't actually matter to them, only they matter to them.  And you are supposed to be their audience 24/7.  You can tell these people by the fact they rarely ask you about yourself, but will continually make everything be about them.  Or if you do get to talk about yourself, the conversation will veer into how what you're talking about applies to them, or they will just instead talk about themselves on some random idea that's popped into their head, interrupting you.

Usually these types (not all narcs act like this, but people who act like this are narcissists) also are the type that have to be the sickest, the poorest, the best, the worst, the whatever extreme they're going for, just so they can either be the victor, or always the victim.  No matter what is wrong with you, they've had it worse.  Or no matter what someone else has done, they have done it better.  Every single conversation revolves around them in some way, shape, or form.  They are the best parent in the universe who has had it the worst.  Or they are the best child of their parents, yet treated the worst.  They are the smartest person at work, yet the one who gets shat on the most.  They are the nicest person in the world, yet all people treat them like shit.  Not all narcs swing both ways, usually they have a preference for playing the martyr/victim or the victor, but sometimes they jump to the other side if it suits them.

And then they use you like toilet paper.  They will stick with you for a period of time, using up all their supply on you until they tire of your responses, and move on to someone else.  Eventually they can come back to you, but again, after they tire, you won't hear from them for a period of time (can range from a day, to days, to a month or more).  To you it looks like their mood is waxing and waning...being silent for a period of time only to come back to you raring to go...but in reality, they are raring to go with someone else when they're absent from you, and when they're with you, they're absent from that other person (or people).  They always, always need an audience.  Don't forget that, even though they may be leading you to believe you're their only supply.  Most narcs have a stream of suppliers, because they tire so easily of one particular person (though some will continuously use just one person because that one person is their perfect supply, but that's based on the personality of the narc, not the supplier).  You don't even have to do anything wrong, most narcissists just bore easily (could be due to some having ADHD?).


The need for an audience is so strong with some narcs that they do not let you get a word in edgewise.  These types love the sound of their own voice and will talk for as long as you will let them.  This can mean they can talk at you for upwards to three hours or more on the phone, or even more in person.  My mother's cousin once talked for two days straight, with every single person at my mother's house captivated by her stories.  It wasn't literally 48 hours, but two days of visiting for around 8+ hours each.  I don't think anyone else spoke!

If you've met someone who's a "storyteller" who can talk like this, they are most likely a narcissist.  Now, a person with aspergers can talk without stopping, but the difference is those people will talk about stuff nobody understands but them.  You'll have to stop them and say "Hey, sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about..." (we have to do this with my SIL regularly).  So there's a difference between a storytelling narcissist and an aspie.  The first will fill the air with stories about their own pain, or life experiences, or tales of woe, or anything else about themselves.  An aspie will talk incessantly about obscure things that they only care (or know) about.

Now, someone could be both a storytelling narcissist and an aspie...which I have found to happen quite regularly.  These types may tell incessant stories, but again, they only pertain to themselves, and sometimes they will talk as if you should know exactly what they're talking about (or who they're talking about), but mixed with tales of woe and how they have the hardest life ever or how they are the smartest people ever.  It gets quite exhausting.  I've known a few storytelling narcs who's stories are entertaining and fun to listen to.  But most I've known are the type to just complain or brag.

And they love to talk shit about other people.  Like, a LOT of shit.  Venting is one thing.  That's normal.  But always venting (and about many people) is a sign that you're dealing with a narc.  Just remember, someone who talks shit about others, is most likely talking shit about you to others.  Some narcs keep this very hidden and can be good at making you believe that it's you and them against the world.  But if their favorite pastime is talking shit about others?  Know that they are 100% talking about you.  I found this out too many times the hard way.

If you are dealing with a narc in your life that you need to keep in your life for whatever reason (or they are your coworker/boss/etc.), then just know, if you challenge them on these things or bring them up to them?  It will not be met with a nice response.  They can lash out with their words or actions (to punish you) or they may give you the silent treatment for a bit, only to come back and pretend like nothing happened.  So the trick here is not confront them at all, but to work them properly.

It may sound narcissistic to "work" a person, but that's only if you have malicious intent.  When you work a person in order to build boundaries or to keep their abuse at bay (yes, stealing your time and treating you like you don't matter is a form of abuse), is a completely understandable action and should be used to keep you and your family safe.

I once confronted a "time sucker" narcissist (the kind who have a crisis all the time and spend all their time sucking up your time to make you deal with their constant state of crisis) and she still hasn't spoken to me in 3 years (and she refused to let our kids hang out together, even though they were BFFs).  We've recently reconnected with her son, as he's over 18 and works at the grocery store we shop at, but she's still very angry with me LOL  All because I told her I wanted to be neighbors, not friends, as I don't have time to spend on her issues (I wasn't even mean about it).

So you can't confront these bastards, otherwise they will punish you AND your family (if they can) or they'll give you the silent treatment (which is still a form of punishment to them).  So no matter what, they will be punishing you.  Instead, you have to learn how to work them (only if needed, if you do not have to deal with them, then don't!).  Here's how I've learned to deal with those I've needed to keep in my life:

1. Go Grey Rock:  This is perhaps the #1 thing that will help you deal with a narcissist.   Although some narcs (esp. the audience style narcs as we're talking about here) may not even want to know anything about you at all, so going "grey rock" may not even seem like a change, but there are still instances you will need to do this.  So, going "grey rock" means that you become a lump of boring old bullshit to a narc.  This means that you will not be offering them anything they can use against you later, nor will be you sharing anything with them.  Only the minimal amount is needed in conversations.  So if the narc asks you about your own life, you will offer them the minimal amount and then reroute the conversation back to them.  Like if they ask "How are your kids doing?" you say "Great!  How are yours?/How is your business venture going?/insert tidbit of data about their own life here/etc.".  You never give details more than you have to.  If they press for info, just keep it light and surface.  Never go deep and never give out pertinent info they don't need to know.  Even if they only ask you about your life in small amounts: do not engage.  Just keep it on surface.  A narcissist either doesn't really care about your life OR they are fishing for information to tell others.  That's it.  Remember that. 
2. Clap and Cheer:  If they need an audience and you need to keep them at bay and keep them happy?  Then sometimes, you need to be their cheerleader.  Always ignoring them will just piss them off.  So while sometimes you have to keep your distance in order to keep your sanity, at other times you need to go all in and be the audience they need.  If they are your boss or are in charge of you (or your life) in any way whatsoever?  You need to remember this very important part.  They thrive on supply and you have to give it to them at times.  Otherwise you risk what we talked about in #1: they will punish you.  If they tire of you and move on, that could be either good or bad, depending on the situation.  While it's great for your mental health for them to move on, it may not be great for your job or life.  A narc that's moved on may treat you like shit when you're not on their supply list.  In business, there's a law of supply and demand, but in narcissism, there's a law of supply demand.  Narcissists demand narcissistic supply, and if you're not giving it to them, they will find someone who will.  And if your narc is the type to hurt you when you aren't supplying them, then you need to keep them interested, and sometimes that means seeking them out to give them a little cheer.  If you notice your narc's interest waning, then you interact with them by asking them about themselves or their life.  Get them talking about themselves, and that can revive their interest in you (just don't agree to do things you're not comfortable with).  Not that this is a healthy thing to do for you, quite the contrary.  But sometimes it's necessary in order to protect ourselves or our family.  
3. Don't take their shit:  This seems counter-intuitive, but I assure you, you'll feel better about it if you stand up for yourself when you can.  You need to do this before you let it build up and then explode.  So confront them regularly if they saying rude or mean things to you.  But not so regularly it pisses them off.  Recently, I connected with a sister I didn't know I had (half sister) and she's just as much of a narc as our father is.  I confronted her regularly, which she didn't like and ended up ignoring me (after totally using me to find our father).  She wasn't someone I needed in my life, nor needed to take shit from.  So I was okay with that.  But other narcs (as in my mother), I had to put up with, so I had to learn to take her shit.  To a point.  Eventually I learned to stop taking her shit and rather than letting it build up until I punched her in the face (which was something I wanted to do daily LOL).  I had to let my anger out in bits, as though I was a bottle of boiling water ready to spill...so I had to let the steam seep out instead of pop!  So instead of letting her lie and say rude things, I'd quickly correct her and change the subject back to her again.  If she said something rude about the neighbor's lawn, I'd say "Well, it's a good thing you don't live there then, isn't it?" and then change the subject back to her.  Just because you have to deal with particular narcs doesn't mean you have to listen to their constant bullshit and ignore it.  That's a recipe for disaster!  
4. Take Lots of Breaks:  Don't subject yourself to their constant attention.  Make sure you're getting in lots of time for yourself and your family away from them.  If they catch you and want to join, just make up a quick reason why they can't and quickly leave.  Or if they find out later you did something without them, deflect.  Deflecting is a wonderful way to stop a situation before it starts.  Be a mirror and let their words bounce off you onto them.  "I heard you went fishing last night.  I would have liked to come!"  Respond with "Yeah, but it was terrible! So many mosquitos and hardly any bites!  Do you like fishing?  What kind of lures do you use?  What kind of fish do you like to catch?" or whatever questions you can think of to deflect their accusations back onto them.  First you tell them how much it sucked, then you ask them about their own experiences or likes/dislikes.  Keep going until they are comfortable and excited talking about themselves again.  Taking breaks from the narcs in your life is one way to keep yourself sane.  Never give them details about your breaks, just keep it on surface.  Or, better yet, as much as you can, keep it secret 😉  And this brings us to: 
5. Keep Your Life Separate:  Try to keep your personal life separate from them as much as you can, even if they are in your family.  Don't share your ideas with them, or what your plans are for your life.  Let them share their ideas and plans with you (and you be their cheerleader), but don't do the same back (because they will never be your cheerleader--or if they are, they are pretending).  Instead, create a life that's totally separate from them.  Use your breaks to work on your life, away from them.  When I used to do this with my mother (back in the day, my mother was my life), she didn't like it at all.  This led to a total breakdown temper tantrum of epic proportions that led to me going no contact with her (among other reasons).  BUT, that's because I wasn't venting as much to her as I wanted to be.  I was distancing myself instead.  If you aren't planning on going no contact anytime soon, make sure this separation is getting done in a way that doesn't peak their abandonment issues, which will anger them beyond belief.  If this person is your boss or coworker, this means not attending functions in which they will be at (or any functions at all, if you don't want them to think you're not going to something just because of them).  This means keeping work and life completely separate.  If they are family, this means attending less functions at holidays (if possible) with a great excuse as to why.  My mother was alone on all holidays, so we had to spend every single one with her.  This wasn't good.  But it was necessary to keep the peace.  Although we did get away with spending birthdays without her.  She was very controlling as to how we'd celebrate--so if I invited her to birthday celebration, she'd decline, because it had to be her in charge or nothing.  If you have a friend who wants to start a business with you (I had this happen to me) and they are being bossy and controlling, then feel free to work on your own stuff on the side (without their knowledge).  So many situations this applies to, but just to remember that keeping your life separate is key in these relationships, otherwise you'll get burnt out and may even fall into a depression (as I did with my mother). 
6. Question the Relationship:  This is a biggie.  We sometimes feel trapped in relationships with people, thinking there is no way out.  We feel that this person holds something over us: money, a place to live, a job, information, etc., which causes us to stay in these abusive relationships (and yes, it's abusive).  We may have to make conscious choices to stay in order to keep the peace or keep our families safe.  I did this with my own mother.  I found out she was a narcissist and then went back to her after a short period of no contact because we were starving with no money for food.  So I went back...but unlike Corrine Dollanger from Flowers in the Attic, I did not feed my children to the wolves.  I stayed aware of her narcissism, and protected my children as much as possible (with a few failures).  I didn't get sucked back into her world, except for the times she was buying us groceries and did not permit me to speak to my own children (she required all attention to be put on her and her alone).  I would always bring both children so they could talk to each other and I would dote on her, begrudgingly, while my children were told exactly what was going on.  They always told me they understood, but I hated myself for having to do such a thing just so we could have groceries to put on our table each night.  It was sick.  And that lasted for four years.  So, if you find yourself doing sick things, as I did, in order to keep whatever hold they have on you, you have to ask yourself: would it bet better to starve (or whatever their hold is) or to create a horrible situation for your children (or whatever the consequences are)?  I eventually came to the conclusion, it was better to starve.  If the person will kick you out if you don't obey them, you have to ask yourself, would living in your car with your family for a short while be worth your sanity (or whatever you could find to live in) if you didn't have to sell your soul to that devil?  (I am not religious, so I don't mean this literally...just figuratively).  The devil in my life wasn't worth jack shit.  But some are.  So that's a personal choice you'll have to make for yourself.  So when I went NC with my mother, yes, we were fucked for a long period of time, and some would say we still are, almost a year and a half later.  BUT, it was soooooooooooooo fucking worth it.  

So if you've gone no contact (which is a deliberate choice to stay out of a narcissist's life) with your mother and your family members (because narcissism is a systemic issue, not just one person), you may feel like you're done with all of this narcissism stuff (like I did).  But the fact of the matter is, as long as you associate with anyone outside of your home, you will run into more narcissists.  There is no getting around that.  Or, maybe you're married to one (but if so, that's a whole other blog post!).  But these tactics with work with any narc in your life, as long as you fully realize some things: there is no cure for narcissism, every single word or action from them is a manipulation of some sort (no exceptions), and as long as you know how to "work" them, you may be able to tolerate them.  But you need to ask yourself, should you have to?  Weigh the pros and cons regularly.  And if you can find a way to make your life work without whatever they are giving you?  Do it.  Because nothing beats being able to be free of a narcissist and to have control of your own life.  Depending on someone who manipulates you is so very psychologically damaging.  So you better make sure it's worth it. 💗