When you are in an abusive situation and you want to walk away, you're always waiting for that “one big blowout”. The thing that will justify you leaving. The one thing you can look back on and not question your choice down the line. And that way your abuser can't question your choice to leave either. It's blatant. A+B=C. A is your abuser. B is the the Big Blowout which brings you to C, your leaving. It's a simple formula. Right?

The thing is, we get so accustomed to the abuse, whether it be verbal, physical, or otherwise, that the little stuff that normal people on the outside would see as pretty bad, we see as no big deal. And eventually the bigger stuff becomes no big deal either. And then, the one thing that should be B, comes and goes and we just don't even realize it's happened or we make excuses as though B wasn't something they meant to do...they were just tired, hungry, stressed, etc.

I am here to tell you that B isn't coming. Despite how much you want B to happen, it's just not going to. Whether it be fate messing with us to see if we're strong enough to walk away without B or if B did happen, and we just ignored it (or made excuses for it, etc.). Either way, B? Isn't a real ideal. It's something we made up in our heads so feel like we have a plan. It makes us feel less helpless.

The formula should be this:

A=C

Abuse = Leaving

You don't need a grand exit. No matter how much you think you do. You can leave at any time. Sometimes B is just you packing a bag and leaving quietly in the middle of the night for no reason whatsoever (well, no BIG blowout reason—abuse is always a reason, even if the abuse isn't happening right now).

I did this with both my abusive ex-husband and my mother. I left over several B's happening during the course of my last marriage. But I always went back. When I did finally leave, it wasn't over anything. I just left. He called me and asked when I was coming come. I said, with horrible amounts of anxiety, I wasn't. He freaked out. I said I was done and nothing could change my mind. He tried to woo me by being a wonderful father to our children for the period of one month. But when that didn't work, he stopped cold turkey. All of a sudden, his children didn't exist. And if I wasn't coming back, there was no reason to be nice to either me or the kids anymore. I didn't question my choice, unlike the million times before when I'd leave (although he never knew I tried to leave him so many times), this time I was secure in my choice and even though there was no B, I knew I didn't love him and he was toxic to both me and my children.

Coming to this conclusion wasn't easy for me.  We'd been together for seven years and being with him felt comfortable, even if it was usually uncomfortable (you eventually become comfortable in your uncomfortableness).  But over and over again, his abuse eventually wore me down to the point I just couldn't do it anymore.  So when I did finally leave him, I was resolved in my choice, no matter how how hard living without him became. 

When I went no contact with my mother, I did question my choice, over and over again. I felt guilty, horrible even. I felt like I was a kid doing something bad and I was going to be punished for it. I kept thinking “If I go back to her now, she may forgive me". But I reminded myself of her abuse and that kept me strong. I'd say what the catalyst was for going NC with her was trivial compared to her other stunts. Outsiders may see what she did as insane, standing on a busy street, screaming into my house, pounding on all my windows, all because she wanted a ride to the grocery store. It was a childish act of control desperation (she desperately wanted control of her own life). But she's done worse, way worse, and to me, that was just her usual temper tantrum. That wasn't the reason I went NC, it was the catalyst. She, being who she is, thought that I stopped talking to her because she did that. She doesn't have the capability to see it was so much more than that. Mainly, because narcissists don't see their own flaws or their own misdeeds. That's why I chose that catalyst. Because had she done something horrible (like physically assault me, like she has in the past), it wouldn't have made a difference with her. Hitting me, to her, isn't a big deal. Neither is pounding on my windows. So why wait until she hit me again? Why go through that?

Your catalyst can be something a small as a side remark or a put down. Or, maybe it's nothing at all. To the narcissist, they do nothing wrong anyways, so leaving over nothing is no different than leaving over them smacking you or threatening you. Yes, they may apologize when they do something they think in the moment they need to apologize for, but later on? They will say you were making a big deal out of things and it was nothing. In their minds, they are perfect, and you are the scumbag in every single situation. So why wait until B happens? That big blowout? The thing that will prove to everyone, and yourself, and to them, that they deserve to be left?  They already deserve to be left behind. They don't need to do B in order for your leaving to be validated. It's been validated over and over and over again already.

I know you're waiting for B, because then you don't need to muster up much courage to walk away. You need B to get your adrenaline pumping, to turn your pain into rage to replace the courage you don't feel you have. Because leaving is scary. Rage quitting isn't. With rage quitting, all you need is your rage to get you by. There is no confusion with it: you are angry, and your anger is justified, and you've known for a long time you needed to leave and now your rage has seen you through to the other side.

What people don't tell you is that when the rage subsides, you are left in the same exact situation had you left without B happening in the first place. You will be left picking up the broken pieces of your life and figuring out a way to move forward without A in your life anymore.

A large amount of abused people go back to their abusers even after B happens. When the rage subsides, they become fearful they made a mistake. They like how comfortable their lives were with A. Humans are creatures of habit, and we know what to expect from A. We are comfortable there. So we sometimes go back.

My ex-boyfriend in high school, we'll call him Oregano, abused me for two years, from grade 10-12. He did every kind of abuse imaginable to me. And I left him over him calling me names, once again, in art class. So he spent our entire lunch crying and begging me to come back, when I said no, he started berating me, calling me more names and verbally attacking me. I got up and walked away, he jumped up and punched me in the stomach. My rage was justified. While I broke up with him before B happened, B happened anyways. But rather than let my rage over his abuse fuel me to stay away from him, what did I do? Two days later, I was calling him and begging him to take me back. Except, he had already found another girlfriend (they're married now with kids).

Had he said yes, we may be married now. Scary thought.

Rage quitting doesn't work. B doesn't matter. And nothing can make us leave our abusers except us. We have to be strong and remind ourselves over and over again of their abuse so we don't lapse into nostalgic thinking of “how good it was...sometimes” or “how good it could be if we just did things differently this time” or whatever else lies we tell ourselves to cover up the fact that we just crave what we know.

Just remember: I was weak a million times before I was strong.

Having a weak moment and staying with our abuser or going back doesn't mean we're broken or that we're weak people as a whole. It means we crave what we know. Which means we're human. But there will be a point when we realize we are worth so much more than their abuse, and that moment doesn't have to be a B moment. It can be just a quiet revolution that takes place in a moment or a series of moments, that goes unheard and unseen and unnoticed, until we're gone. It's a choice we make, the ultimate choice in self-care and self-love that says “I am worth more than this. I deserve more than this.” You may not even believe those words when you make this choice, but you don't have to. Because by getting away, you will eventually learn those words are true. You just have to make the choice and be willing to tough out the hard parts until the understanding of how much more you're worth than what you've been getting from your abuser comes. It may come immediately, it may take years, but it will happen. And will have all been worth it.

So don't wait for the big blowout. Don't wait for the right moment. It's always the right moment. You just have to make the choice.  It's not an easy choice.  But it's the right choice, and it's worth the hard parts.  You just have be willing to start your own personal revolution which starts with throwing out the trash.  

So ask yourself, is it garbage day yet?