Let me be your cautionary tale, ladies and gents.  Let me be the example by which you don't make the same mistakes as me.

Because breaking no contact after over a year has passed, is NOT the way to go.  THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

Let me repeat that:

A month ago my family and I became homeless and needed a place to live.  And I had to break down and call my mother to see if the flat above her was rentable and to find the number of the landlord.  She gave me the number and he said yes.  Right before all this, our only car also broke down.  So we had to rent a car to get from a different state to get back home (yes, we moved out of state...mostly get away from her and this neighborhood) and so we moved in, without a car to use.  We had to find jobs, as well, and now my mother lets my husband use her car to get to work.

*sigh*

THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANTED FOR OUR LIVES.

I was finally healing from all of her abuse.  I was finally getting to the point of maybe being able to forgive her.  I was ready to move on.  But then all this happened.

No, our situation didn't happen 100% by accident...we chose to move away.  That was our choice.  It was a good choice at the time, as we were drowning in debt and could not afford the place we were living in anymore.  My husband lost his job and had to take a new one at substantially less pay.  And we were down to one car, which was on its way out (we were sinking serious $$ into it).  So we were offered a chance to move to a place in the middle of the Ozarks, on 20 acres of wooded land.  It sounded like a dream!!  Then we got there, and the place we were moving into turned out to be destroyed.  We had NOWHERE to live.  Nowhere to go.  We should have turned right around and came back.  But, we were promised by my cousin (who turned out to be a bigger narcissist than my mother!) that she'd take care of it.  So we stayed.  Wrong choice to my trust into a family member (a family known for its high amounts of narcissism).  We were then ejected from her apt. because it was against her lease to have us there (which she should have realized, but we were promised it was fine).  So we became homeless, with four dogs and four people and a couple cats.  No car.  Nothing.  So it ended up that our only choice was to call my mother.

Believe me, we tried EVERYTHING to find somewhere to live before having to do that.  But if I hadn't have done it, we'd be stuck down south with no home, no car, no jobs, nothing.  What would we have done??  There was literally no other choice.

After we moved in, my mother asked me "If you hadn't had lost your home, would you have talked to me again?"  My answer was "yes, eventually".  But in reality, I probably would not have.  I finally let all of this go.  After going no contact, I was leaving all my hurt and pain behind with her and working towards the goal of detachment and healing.  And then this happened.  But I had to lie.  What else could I say?

But now since she has control of us again, she's always complaining, always bitching (to me and about me to others, I can hear every word she says down in her flat...she's loud af), and lying to me.  And now, I've found out, she's telling everyone I'm bipolar, because her therapist diagnosed me as that, because of the letters I've written to her.  Which I find wholly irresponsible on her therapist's part, but then again, different therapists of mine in the past have said things about my mother, too, so I guess it's a normal thing to do.

Let me be honest here: I am pretty mean when I write my mother letters.  But there's a reason why.  See, like most of you, I am unable to express my discomfort, anger, sadness, hurt, or anything to my mother.  If I do, I will be punished, reprimanded, ignored, or insulted.  So I keep my mouth shut.  Until I explode.

It's not healthy.  I know this.  I need to work on this, but how can I with her, when I am never in a position to be free of her control??  How can I stand up for myself when if I do, she will take away something from my family that will hurt us beyond anything (which is my hubby getting rides to work)?  How can I hurt my own family for the sake my own feelings?  That's not what parents do.  I know my mother has lived her life that way, letting whatever she feels in the moment dictate everyone else's lives.  But I am not her.  I can't choose to live like that.

Living here, by her, is not healthy for me at all.  But it's a warm house, with somewhere to cook our food, and a place to sleep (a place to call home, for now), so I can endure her bullshit for a little bit longer until we have our own car.

I am so mixed up and confused.  And angry.  And hurt.  And sad.  Why?  I thought I was past all this.  I thought it was over.  I thought I was healing.  Apparently being thrown right back into the same chaos you were fighting to run away from doesn't really do anything for healing and will bring you right back into the mindset you were before you left.

Which is why I say, that if you have a choice to stay no contact?  DO IT.  Because this?  Is not a healthy thing to endure.  For anyone.  So do not go back unless you absolutely have to.

My mother is spreading lies about me every single day, telling all the neighbors that I never take my dogs out (which I do several times a day) and making them suffer to wait until my husband gets home (total bullshit), that her therapist says I am bipolar and I need to get mental help and on meds so I can fix my behavior (I don't even know what to say to this one....but whatever), that I refuse to apologize to her about my absence from her life (she even told her therapist this, which is bullshit, because a-I apologized the day after getting here, I said "I am sorry I handled things the way I did", and b-why should I apologize for walking away from my abuser? but that's a narcissist for ya!), and other various things that she's taking from my life and warping it to fit her narrative that I am the bad guy here.

Not to mention the constant being rude to me, yelling at me and then acting like it was a joke, the manipulations and an incessant need for control with everything we do ("Your children HAVE to take the garbage out on Sundays!" yet the garbage doesn't pick up until Tuesdays....), these are the types of things you'd have to deal with by going back, and probably even worse, depending on your mother.

So if you can help it, do not break no contact.  Just don't do it, no matter how much you may want to.  Because you'll soon learn that they never change.  Ever.  And if they do, it's all for show.  Because a narcissist doesn't do anything without a motive.

If you are finding being no contact is causing you guilt or sadness, just stick with it, and I promise, it gets sooooo much better.  And eventually, you may even be able to heal from her abuse.  But if you go back, it will start all over again, and you'll have to add on all of that to heal from, too.  It's not worth it.

Right now, what's making me the most sad?  Is that my mother can't just be my mother.  I just want her to love me like a mother should, but I do not have that and never will.  When you're away from it, you don't need it as much.  But when you're looking her in the face, you're subconsciously (or consciously) thinking "Why can't you just love me?"  I am reminded once again that I do not have an actual mother.  I am reminded once again she doesn't love me or care about me.  I am just another pawn in her game.  So much pain in this world is caused by a child not being loved properly (and by properly, I mean pretty much at all) by their parents.  And I have to work hard every single moment of the day to make sure that pain doesn't cause me to cause any more pain in this world.  I sometimes fail at this, but I keep trying.  I just wish I wasn't as broken because of her.  I wish she would have loved me the way a mother is supposed to love a child.  I am just glad I do not treat my kids the way she treats me, the way your mothers out there treat you all.  I can't even fathom doing or saying the things she does.

But deep down inside, her behavior still insanely hurts, because I just want her to love me.

And she just doesn't.