Mindfulness is the Buddhist practice of staying in the present moment.  When you're in the present moment, you are not concentrating on the future or the past.  You are only thinking about the here and now.  This means you aren't worried about what your mother has said in the past, or how she will treat you in the future.  For those of us who are anxiety ridden due to her abuse, this can be a lifesaver.

Now, I've been learning about mindfulness for probably around fifteen years or so.  And it wasn't until recently that I've really come to understand it in its entirety.  I mean, I could sit in silence, be aware of everything around me, and it still didn't click.  I was lost in this idea of "being present" and had no idea how to sustain it for longer than a moment.  That is, until I came upon the Netflix documentary called "Walk With Me" which is about Thich Nhat Hanh's monastary in France called Plum Village.

I've had a spiritual crush on Thich Nhat Hanh ever since I read the book "Peace is Every Step".  I was enthralled at how a human being could be so peaceful and I longed to be the same.  But nothing I've ever done has worked, especially since having my mother in my life makes my life very chaotic at times.  But now that I've seen the documentary, and watched how mindfulness is practiced by actual people and not just in the written word, a light went on in my brain and I finally get it.

Mindfulness is not just a practice.  It's a way of life.  It's a spiritual path without being religious.  And beyond those things, it's a beacon of light in the darkness of abuse.  It's a way out.  And if you have to be in your mother's life for any reason whatsoever, it's a way to stay calm and serene in the face of her behavior.

If you don't have a Netflix account, you can see if your local library has it or you can buy or rent it here on Amazon.  The movie itself feels like a meditation while watching it.  And if you're into this sort of thing, I guarantee you'll walk away after watching it with a sense of peace and reverence that you didn't have going into it.  And when that feeling wears off, watch the movie again.  And then watch it again as many times as you need to in order to keep that feeling in your life.  It's so easy to learn something new, or start a new practice (like exercise) and then the "newness" wears off and we just go back to our old habits.  But in order to combat this drop-off, we can bring ourselves right back to what excited us about it to begin with.  In this case, it can be this movie, a particular book on mindfulness (Thich has written a lot of them!), or anything that gets us in the right mindset and speaks our language.

What does staying in the present moment really mean when it comes to narcissistic abuse?

It means seeing everything in life with new eyes.  It means seeing the world through the lens of kindness and understanding, whether it's your mother's behavior, or the clerk at the grocery store who's having bad a day, or the person staring back at you in the mirror.  It means being fully present for conversations, whereas usually you'd only be half-listening, thinking about your grocery list for later, or what someone said last week, or what you'll make for dinner later.  It means you'll be fully present for your life instead of living in your head elsewhere.

When it comes to dealing with narcissists, it means seeing further than your own pain and hurt, rather than letting them put you in a tailspin of emotions.  You can't have an overly emotional reaction when you're staying in the present.  While you can feel anger rising, you can bring your awareness back to your breathing rather than giving into your mind wandering to past hurts which then makes your anger even bigger, until it's so out of control that you say or do something that creates chaos, rather than peace.  Your breathing is the only thing that matters.  Not what your mother is saying.  Or what others around you are doing.  Just your breathing.  Just calm.  Just peaceful. 

Buddhists believe that the path to non-suffering includes both mindfulness and the practice of non-attachment.  Using both can help us not only let go of how our mother's treat us, but also how they've treated us in the past.

Does this mean forgiving them?

No.  Instead it almost means the opposite.  Rather than forgiving our mothers, we can just not care anymore about what they do or say or how they act.  Why?  Because what matters is the present moment.  If they are treating us badly, we can bring our attention back to our breathing (which is the basis for mindfulness to begin with), and on our in breaths, we recognize our anger, and on our out breaths, we can let that anger go.  Then we can react calmly or leave, if necessary.

If you're like me, then your mother's behavior can spark a negative reaction in you (like anger), but with mindful breathing, which leads to "right thinking" (meaning thoughts of detachment, kindness, and helpfulness), which then leads to a sense of peacefulness, even in the face of someone screaming at you (although if you're in danger, you should leave).  Think of a small child throwing a temper tantrum. They are ranting, raving, and screaming like a lunatic, and you're just standing there thinking "Awww, you poor thing, you must feel so bad inside, but I am not going to give in to give you what you want just because you're having a tantrum," then you can understand what I mean.  If you can just breathe into your anger and detach from their behavior (meaning you don't take it personally--think of Don Miguel Ruiz's first agreement), then you can find peace in the chaos.

Non-attachment/detachment in the terms of narcissistic abuse, means to let go of your need to take things personally.  It's perfectly normal to take a narc's behavior inward, especially when it's directed at you, personally.  But just because it's normal doesn't mean it's healthy or right.  Changing from an attachment mindset to a non-attachment mindset is NOT easy.  I know, because I still haven't mastered this.  I can do it sometimes, but others?  Not so much.  And when it's piled on you, there's a definite breaking point.  But, if you can work towards detaching from their behavior a majority of the time, then you're definitely doing better than most of us.

How do I detach?

You first realize that how others treat you has nothing to do with you at all.  It never has, it never will.  If you want to become well-versed on this idea, then check out the books "The Voice of Knowledge" and "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.  Both are great, but I prefer the first one.  It literally changed my life.  Well, for a period of time...like I said earlier, in order to stay in the mindset you want to change to, you have to reread or rewatch what changed your mind to begin with.  That book changed my life AND changed the life of those around me (because I treated them better after reading it).  I learned to stop getting angry when someone offends me.  I learned that how other people act has to do with how they feel, what their past experiences are that they are applying to the particular situation, and how other people have treated them.  They are the stars of their movies, and we are the supporting actors.

Just remember this:

Hurt people hurt people.  And healed people use kindness.  

If someone is hurting you, they are hurting inside.  That doesn't make it okay to hurt you.  But it does make it not about you anymore and all about them.

Here is a great Buddhist story I read once (I can't find where it was printed):

A Buddhist monk started hanging around this guy.  And the guy found the monk so peaceful and light and happy, that he became a monk, too.  The guy's cousin was baffled by his choice to be a monk and got super angry and upset.  He came to the monk and screamed at him, called him names and used profanity at him.  The monk just smiled.  This made him even angrier and screamed at the monk "Why are you smiling?!"  The monk, as peaceful as ever said "I refuse to accept your gift of anger.  And that means you have to take it back."  

If you refuse to take on your abuser's suffering (you do this by not letting them make you suffer), then they have to take it back.  And you refuse to take on their suffering by remembering that their behavior has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.  Even if they are screaming profanities at you, calling you names, or saying hurtful things, it still has nothing to do with you.  Narcissists project their own suffering onto others.  So just know what they say about you, they actually feel about themselves.  In actuality, everyone does this.  We don't inflict pain on other unless we, ourselves, are feeling pain.  We are trying to ease our pain by giving it someone else.  And if they refuse to take it, we end up feeling worse, because we have to take it back.  Not that we want people to feel worse about themselves by giving them back their gifts of anger, abuse or suffering, but we do not need to accept those gifts if we want to stop our own suffering.  Eventually, our abusers (like the bullies that they are), will learn we are not easy targets anymore and may possibly leave us alone.

Or they may not.  They may get worse.  But if you learn to become mindful in your daily life, then you can eventually escape the abuse, even if you're still in the middle of it.

Here are some great books on the subject (that I suggest looking at after you watch the documentary):

• Good Citizens by Thich Nhat Hanh (a wonderful primer on Buddhist philosophies)
• Peace is Every Step (same author)
• Pebbles on the Road and Reflections on the River by Stephen Cassettari
• Buddhism for Dummies