Narcissists are Tricksters.  They are liars.  They are never telling the truth, even when they are being nice.  The nicer they are to you, the more they are trying to get from you, whether it's an actual something (an item, an action, etc.) or just trying to lull you into a state of complacency so the next time they strike, it will hurt that much more.  The latter is what my mother does to me, over and over again. 

And every single time, I fall for it.

Why?  Why do I let her do this to me?

See, normally I don't fall for it because her good times were short and sweet (can we say ultra-sickening saccharine sweet?), so I'd know to just wait for the other shoe to drop, knowing it would come, and usually quickly.

But this time, I think she senses things are different.  Or rather, I am different. 

For one, while I live upstairs from her, I do not spend any time in her apartment, short of a once in awhile dinner (that I plan and cook for) or a holiday, or when I do laundry and I hang out for maybe fifteen minutes if she's there.  I do not hang out with her mainly because she smokes, and I am allergic to smoke (and she knows this, yet doesn't care).  Which is good for me, so I can leave.  Back in the old days, I'd spend six hours or more at her house every single day.

For two, when she's acting bitchy, I say something to her about (but only when she's pushed me far enough).  If she's downright mean to me, I  yell at her.  That's not something she's used to.  Now when these things happen, and I stand up to her, she's as sweet as pie the next day.  The last time she deserved getting yelled at (and I should have said more, but again, she has us in her control so I can't go too far with what I say) was after Christmas when she threw cheesecake at me.  I yelled at her, and she's literally been nice to me ever since.  It's March!

Never has her nice moods been for two entire months before.  So I freaking fell for it.  Shame on me too, because I literally started planning us all moving in together......EEEEKKK!!  What's wrong with me?  How can I be so blinded by shiny things that I forget all the torment and mean abusive behavior??  Uggghhh.

She hasn't completely reverted back yet.  Just nagging things here and there.  Like she's struggling to hold her assholery in and some of it seeps out like abusive diarrhea (nice visual...ew).  It's been leaking more and more lately, and here I am, getting all worked up and angry, and on edge again.  *sigh*  Why??  Why am I letting her words and behavior control me like this?  Healing sure isn't that simple when you have to deal the person in your life on a (mostly) daily basis.  I am even having those old PTSD stress dreams again, like I had when I first went no contact!  Uggghh.

It doesn't help that we just went 500 miles to retrieve all of our stuff from our move to MO, and our apartment is filled with boxes and it's so stuffed we can barely move in here.  Mess makes me stressed out.  After being minimal for six months I've learned to live with less and now I am going crazy with my house being bombarded with crap again.  But we have storage, so we just need to get it all into there and it will go back to normal again.  Then I will have to learn how to deal with the stress of my mother.  I've been so serene and happy these few months.  I can't let my happiness depend on my mother's mood.  I have let that happen my entire life, and it needs to stop.  2019 is going to be dedicated to learning how to let shit go, and move on from all the stress of 2018 and before.  Stress will always bet there, but how I deal with it is completely terrible.

Her mood swings can't dictate my moods.  They just can't.  I have been learning how to see her as a toddler, but when it comes to her controlling us, that is where I haven't been able to apply this yet.  But I will.  I am working on it.