Take away a narcissist's power and they can become the nicest people in the world.  Give them an inch of that power back and they will take that inch and try to run a mile with it.  They will use that tiny bit of power to control, manipulate, degrade, humiliate, threaten (or however else they get their kicks) their scapegoat(s).  Narcs crave power: the power they have over others and over themselves.  They hate to be controlled, but will bow down when it suits them to do so. 

Always remember this one thing when dealing with a narc: every single thing is a manipulation.  Even if it's not meant as one in the moment, it will become one later on when it suits them to use it against you. 

Say you're having drinks with a narc (or just having fun).  You both are laughing, having a great time.  You think "This isn't so bad!  They can really be awesome sometimes!"  So you let out a little more info than you would if you weren't having so much fun.  The narcissist may reply in kind, letting their own guard down and saying things they normally wouldn't.  You may feel like you're actually bonding with them for once.  Even if the narc feels the same way in the moment, know that later, they will regret what they said to you and then tell others what you said and/or make fun of how you were acting with them on said night. 

Once, many years ago, my ex-SIL (though I was married to her brother at the time) and I were laughing our asses off, having fun, being silly, and really having a great night while on vacation together.  We were laughing so hard we were crying (which is always a sign of a fun time).  A few days later she said to me "I only ever talk to you because I feel bad for you.  You were having so much fun I couldn't let you down by telling you how dumb you were acting." 

Now, she was actually having fun, but she felt stupid so she had to make me feel stupid, too.  She went around to her family and told them how dumb I was acting and how immature I was.  Maybe she feared I would have done the same to her so she did it first so nobody believed me?  It's quite sad to think how much these narcissists act out because of their own insecurities.  It must really suck to live inside their heads. 

Once my mother told my entire family at a family reunion (I wasn't invited to) that "I have no idea why she had never achieved anything in life.  What a waste." (referring to me).  My mother relayed this info to a mutual friend of ours who told me about it.  This was back when I started this blog (2013 I think?).  Then earlier this year (2019), her doctors messed up her meds for her essential tremor and she had to go without it for a month.  It was horrible.  It got to the point she couldn't swallow due to her tremors.  During this time her depression hit an all-time low and she said things to me she normally would not have told me.  One thing she said was "I am not worth anything.  I haven't achieved one thing in my life at all.  What good am I?"  When I heard her say that, I instantly knew she had been projecting her insecurities of feeling worthless onto me.  And not just for that day she said I hadn't achieved anything, but for my entire life. 

Not that it makes that behavior okay.  Of course, it still makes her awful, but after hearing this, I realized I don't have to take it personally anymore.  

Think about it, this blog has come full circle.  The reason I started it was because of what happened during the time of her saying that about me, and now she's finally cleared it up for me six years later.  Not on purpose, mind you, had she not felt so horrible she never would have said a word to me about that.  But guiltily, I feel like it was a bit of a blessing to have it all happen (though I honestly wouldn't have wished what happened to her to happen to anyone, it was quite horrid).

Within a few days after, she got back on her meds and WOW did she have some making up to do.  She felt so vulnerable and horrible that she had shared her private feelings of inadequacy with me that she had to take it out on me with full force with the guilting and shaming and manipulation again (though it didn't work this time). 

See?  You take away their power?  They have nothing left and may break down.  But the minute their power comes back?  The game is right back on. 

In that moment, where she shared these horrible feelings about herself with me, I didn't fall for it.  I felt bad for her, yes, but I didn't think it was some monumental moment that we were sharing that would change both of us forever (like they do on TV shows or movies).  I knew better.  But I did feel grateful.  She never got to understand that her mother's treatment of her was her mother projecting all her own feelings of worthlessness.  But I got to see it firsthand with my own mother.  I got to hear the words she used against me to try to make me feel worthless being spoken about herself.  So it really was a monumental moment for me.  Not for us and our relationship, mine and mother's.  But just me.  I got to take all the horrible, mean, awful, and derogatory things she's done and said to me throughout the years and put them right back where they belong: in her heart.  They don't belong in mine anymore.  I refuse to carry my mother's pain.  She can have it all back (or better yet, I can just let it fall away so everyone can be rid of it). 

Think of Pain as Sand

I am not a narcissist, therefore I have the ability to understand myself and others and empathize with them.  I get why people are the way they are.  And I understand that when a narcissist has no idea where to put their pain they will get out their sand toys (like the type you play with on the beach when you're a kid), stick their little shovel in their bucket-of-pain and throw it at anyone who they think it will stick to.  They can't deal with it spilling all around at their own feet (because who likes sand in their shoes?), so they try to empty it on others.   Think of all the narcissists in the world as a beach filled with toddlers.  Nobody is playing fair.  Everyone is sweaty and screaming.  And that one is dumping their bucket of sand on other one's head.  Where are their parents? you may ask.  Who's watching these little bozos?  Oh, if they're still alive, they are on the beach too, with their own toys, dumping their buckets on their kids' heads.  It's a fucking shit show.  There's sand in diapers, in their hair, embedded in their cracks and crevices.  And everyone is crying.  And they have no idea how to grow up and play nice.  So there they are, forever on the beach of pain, being two years old, and screaming when someone touches their beach toys.

So your job in all of this? 

Is to leave the fucking beach.  

Let the toddlers continue to throw sand at each other.  You can quietly brush off the tiny grains of withered earth your parents threw on you and put it back int their buckets where it belongs.  That sand?  Is as old as your family line.  It was sand that their parents threw on them, and they on them, and so forth and on and on and on.  It's all the same fucking sand. 

So now, you have to make a conscious choice not to throw that sand on your kids' heads.  Or at anyone else, for that matter.  Learn how to clean yourself of it and transform it when you can.  When you put sand from the beach in your hands, what does it do?  It slips through your fingers, right?  But when we're wet (which is our sadness and sorrow and anger), it sticks to us.  So dry yourself off and let it fall to the ground where it belongs. 

So, how do you do that?  

For one, make a list.  Make a list of every single thing you feel bad about yourself that your parents made you feel.  Mine looks like this:

• bad at math (she is the reason I have math anxiety and failed math constantly as a child)
• bad handwriting (she makes a huge deal out of not being able to read my handwriting, still to this day which gave me a horrible complex about it for most of my life)
• makes poor choices (according to her, every choice I make is stupid or wrong, even if she does the same things--which are good choices when she makes them)
• has dumb ideas (see above)
• is a child (she treats me as a child even though I am in my 40's, so I end up feeling like a child in most situations in my life)
• is incapable (even if I do something awesome, it is ignored, but when I can't do something or something fails, a big deal is made so I remember just how incapable I am)
• is a bad parent/pet owner (this one does not resonate with me, but it's definitely something she had tried to make me feel--if I can't afford something for my dog, then I am a bad pet owner, but she will flat out refuse to take care of her pets if they need something--so much projection there)
• is a liar (she believes nothing I ever say...though she has made it so I have to lie to her about things that are none of her business)
• is lazy (she will accuse me of sleeping all day and make "jokes" when she calls and says "Did I wake you up?" even though it's 3pm)