When you have someone else in control of your life in any way, you have to make shitty choices in order to get out from under them.  Right now, we're overpaying WAY too much on a car in order to have our own transportation.  We have horrid credit because my hubby lost his job and we defaulted on all our bills (that were out of control because they had been building up due to our poverty...not making enough money to afford where we lived).  So we're stuck buying a car from a buy-here-pay-here place, that's charging around $3,000-$4000 OVER Kelly Blue Book price.  Geezus.

But it's the price we're paying in order to be able to have a car.  To have some freedom.  But that's what you have to do in order to have a semi-normal life.  At least some, even if only a tiny bit, sense of control over our own lives.

When you're stuck living with someone who wants to control every aspect of your life (and has the ability to) you also makes choices to have access to your own household items like a vacuum, pots and pans, and all the other little things in life that you need survive.  Because a narcissist will find a way to make your life horribly annoying (or unbearable) when you have to use their items.  When we moved back with my NM (partially due to this issue here), we had nothing.  Literally, nothing: no beds, no furniture, nothing to cook or eat with, nothing.  So what tiny little bit of money we did have, I spent at the Goodwill to get the most basic things possible: silverware, a $7 vacuum (that we still have and use a year and half later), two kitchen knives (one filet, one serrated), etc.  And at the Dollar Tree I bought four plates and four bowls and four cups (not all at once, we couldn't afford it).

We had to get the car I was talking about above (after my husband found a job) because my mother was actually trying to starve us.  She refused to let me use her car to go to the food pantry for food.  She knew we had nothing, and even less food, and told me I wasn't allowed to drive her car that far or for that long.  I had to sneak out and lie and say we were going to the doctor's office and instead go stop at the food pantry (which took hours, with her calling me asking where I was--I did not answer).  And when we came home with groceries, all hell broke loose.  But you have to do what you have to do.  And I couldn't flip out on her about it, because I wasn't in control of my own or family's fate--she was.  She could have called the landlord and had us kicked out immediately.  Or she may have stopped driving my husband to work, making him lose his job.  My mother is nothing if not vindictive.  She has the mind of a little kid who wants to get back at her siblings for stealing her diary.  And I couldn't stand up to her no matter what.  I couldn't risk my family being homeless, which was the situation we just came from.  So I had to suck in my words, my feelings, my thoughts and in my instincts, and just ignore it (which felt like torture at the time).

But when you live under someone else's control, that's what you have to do: tough it out.  Going gray rock works great emotionally, but when it comes to having some control over our own life, you have to start small and just keep on going until you get to the next step.  It's like climbing a gigantic mountain.  But even if you fall back sometimes, eventually, as long as you keep going forward, you'll get over that mountain. Toughing it out while trying to make your way in the world feels horrible, I know.  But it's what you have to do in order to actually take control back of your life.

So here we are, a year and half later after having to move back with my NM after we almost became homeless, and we're finally over that mountain, for the most part.  I tell you, it was an excruciating climb though.  That first six months we felt like we were staying at the base and not moving but an inch every day.  Hell, an inch a week!  But we've recently given back that shitty car to the dealership (it kept breaking down) and we bought our own car outright from someone else at the price it was actually worth (not that it's much nicer, but I hope it'll last and not keep breaking down).  We have all our own stuff and don't have to borrow anything from her anymore.  She no longer abuses us.  I do keep my distance because I am not fooled by her niceness (which is out of desperation on her part)--as I know if she could get something or someone better than me, she would and I'd be in the dog house again.  None of that matters though.  What matters is that my family is together and we are doing our best to get where we want to be in life someday.

Now, I know many of you are stuck with your abusers/NM's for years on end, and some of you are in the same house as them (we are luckily in an adjacent apartment).  My advice for you is the same: just keep on trucking.  Keep your goals in sight, whether it's to get out, or just be happy.  The one thing that helped me the most?  Was letting go of her opinion of me.  If she was in a bad mood, I didn't obsess over it anymore or take it personally.  I just laughed internally and walked away.  Finding my own peace was more important than trying to make it work between me and her.  Face it, our NM's are who the are, they aren't changing EVER.  So why react as though they are normal people who shouldn't act that way?  They aren't normal and they should and will act this way.  Always.  Don't get surprised when they act up.  Just roll your eyes and say "Here we go again" and walk away from it.  Or learn how to contain it if you can.  If you can't?   Don't even try.   I can talk my mom off a ledge sometimes.  But if she's not responding to my rational words, I walk away.

Her abuse of you is not your fault.  Remember that.  It's generational.  It's abuse handed down from generation to generation.  But try not to take her words or actions personally, even though I know, it is kinda personal (especially when they are attacking you personally).  Protect yourself and your family as best you can.  And dream for the future.  Because climbing that mountain will eventually come.  I promise.  Until then, work on YOU.  Practice self care, build boundaries, take "me" time or family time as much as you can (when I lived with her after my divorce before I met my hubby now my kids and I would leave the house constantly--I had my own car, so it was easy, but even if you don't have a car, you can go for walks or take a bus or even build a sanctuary in your home to escape dealing with their craziness).

“Events may be horrible or inescapable. Humans have always a choice - if not whether, then how, they may endure.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, The Curse of Chalion  

I hope your climb is short, but even if it's long, just endure as best you can.  And make the best of whatever tiny moments you can.  You can do this.  I did, even when I didn't think I could anymore, when my depression threatened to ruin it all.  But slowly, we did better, we got better, and life became better.  We learned crucial lessons during that time, things we are trying very hard to not let happen again.  But every bad situation is a learning experience.  Something you can share with others so they know they are not alone.  So share your survival stories (once you're on the other side), but also share your suffering.  Join a support group.  Do whatever you can to find support: support groups, understanding friends, church,  therapy.  And if they aren't supportive?  Find others who are.  Don't give up, there are good people out there.  And make a plan to make a better life once you're over that mountain and take baby steps to get there.  Because nothing stays the same forever.  Take comfort in that.  ❤❤❤❤