I had all the power.  But I felt powerless at the time.  I had no idea what I was capable of.  I had no idea what I could do.  I only knew what I couldn't do.  I just didn't know.  

I wish I had.  Things would have been so different for me back then.  But you do better when you know better.  Though even then it's hard.  If I could have just realized the power I had, and still have, I would have known I could have set the rules.  I could have gotten what I wanted and been happy about doing so.

All I ever had to say was "No thanks".  I never had to do the things she wanted me to do.  I wouldn't have had to play by her rules.  I wouldn't have had to torture myself to conform into the little box she wanted to keep me in.  And all I had to say was "no".  But more so, "no thanks".  That's the trick here.  Never just say "no" in a stern voice (unless you absolutely have to).  You have to say "no thanks" or "thanks anyways, but I can't".  I know it sounds basic and like it maybe won't work, but I assure you, it will.  Not in all situations (because not all situations are a "yes" or "no" situation").  But in the times where they threaten you unless you do what they say or when they want to force you to do something you hate or when they volunteer you without your permission, just say "no thanks".  That's it.  

They will threaten you (or threaten something), but just reply in a cheerful voice, no matter what they say "That's okay!  I'm okay with that.  I just can't but thanks for asking!" And then change the damn subject on them.  

We all feel compelled to do what they want because we feel that we have to for one reason or another, whether it's out of fear, or something they hold over us, or something else.  But when we pretend like we aren't bothered by their threats or don't care about what the outcome will be of us saying no, they have no idea what to do.  Now, at first, they will push back, but if you can make it through that initial push?  They will not only back off, but will eventually change their behavior so you will want to do the things they ask, rather than demand you do them.  AND, the more we do it, the less we have to pretend it doesn't bother us to say no, because eventually, it won't bother us at all.

I know this to be true because after years and years of ASY (always saying yes) I finally started saying no.  AND the one thing I changed about saying no was I stopped making excuses when I said no.  When I made excuses, she would tear them down to the point I couln't say no anymore.  It's a manipulation tactic.  So you have to stop giving excuses when you say no.  Just say "Thanks but no" or do what the book "The Power of a Positive No" by William Ury says to do that also works.  You start with a yes, then state your no, then say yes again.  It's like a no sandwich.  This means you say something like "Wow, thanks for thinking of me, but I don't want to do that today, but maybe another day?"  But if it's something you don't want to do at all, then you can freely say "No thanks!" then change the subject.  

The subject change is key.  If you don't, you'll be stuck with their whining about why you said no.  And you still might be, so feel free to end the whole conversation if you need to in that moment.  But the subject change is key because it says to the narc "I am done with this conversation," which means you have the power, rather then them.  They might try to steal the power back, which is fine, but know that you're the one with the actual power, so you can walk away at any time, even if it's hard.  And at first, it will be.  Just know it not only gets easier every single time, but the narc usually responds less every single time, too.  Not always, but usually.  

My hubby was in a band with this guy.  And the guy always acted like it was his bad, not theirs.  It was just the two of them!  And the guy wasn't even that great of a musician at the time (he's much better now).  He picked all the songs, he set their practice schedule, and acted like he was in charge.  It was beyond annoying.  Let's also add this guy is a total narc, too.  You may be asking "Why would your husband want to be in a band with a narc?"  But know that narcissism is so rampant in this world that there will be instances you'll be in where you'll have to learn to deal with a narc, rather than avoid them (and some have some redeeming qualities about them, esp. if they are lower on the scale).  

Anyways, so eventually my hubby started pulling away and missing practices because this guy is a total know-it-all (about anything and everything) and never stopped being super bossy about the band.  And so the guy threatened to replace him.  My husband said "Oh cool!  That actually works out for me!  I don't really have time for this right now with how much I'm working, so good luck and have fun with the new guy!"  He called the guy's bluff, who in turn freaked out and apologized and made amends with my hubby so he'd come back.  And for years after, it became their band, and they both made decisions and had fun playing together (now that the pandemic happened, they hadn't seen each other in many months, and now the guy's back to bossing everyone around again, which just will not work out).  But for years, my husband's choice to call his narcissistic friend's bluff made the situation more than just tolerable, it actually became fun.  And all he did was to tell the guy "no" and act like it was no big deal (which it wasn't, it was actually a relief).  He could have yelled at him.  He could have told him to fuck right off (which would have been understandable).  But instead, he just used a positive no and got what he wanted out of the situation (he actually liked playing music with the guy when it was fun).   

Narcissists want us to squirm.  They want to make us uncomfortable.  They want to punish us.  They want us to feel put upon.  They want to complain about us.  They want us to be bothered by all of this.  And if we show them we just aren't, then they have no place else left to go but up.  Or away.

Not all narcs will respond like this, but most will.  Or some will just lose interest in you.  Which is also a good thing.  It's a part of being grey rock.  Grey rock is when you become so boring to the narcissist they leave you alone.  And if you don't respond to their threats or care about their temper tantrums?  You'll be boring AF to them.  Or you'll be something they wish to win back by being nice as ever to you.  But if you do go back (like my hubby did), you have to keep them at arm's length.  Because if not, they will just try to take your power again and use it to abuse you.   

Arm's length is really the only way to be with a narc (if you need to be by them at all).  If I had only knew that back when I couldn't drive (for almost ten years) and she had to drive me places.  I felt as though if she didn't take me to the grocery store each payday, then I'd not be able to leave the house all week.  So she always required I get up too early because she refused to go after 8 am.  I have several sleep disorders and have a horrible time getting up early, plus I have to take my meds at a certain time, and then wait to eat.  I also have had hypoglycemia since my teen years--which she knew (and could care less about).  She would call me the night before and say "The bus is leaving at 8 am!  Be ready or it'll leave without you!"  And I would get this sinking feeling and have a hard time sleeping all night (which would lead me to have a bigger issue getting up in the morning).  This happened every single week for years on end.  I would drag my ass out of bed at 7:30 and take my meds right before leaving, and she'd drag me to hours and hours and hours of grocery shopping.  Let me also add I have fibromyalgia, so this would also cause me to be so much pain by the time we were done and I'd be starving and feeling really sick, because she'd refuse to stop for me to eat or let me eat in her car if I bought something (but she could smoke...because that's so much better).  So we'd get back and I'd be sweating and wanting to throw up and in excruciating pain.  Every fucking time.  

Why didn't I ever just say no?????????

I felt obligated.  I feared telling her no.  I also didn't have any money and without the groceries she bought us, my family would starve or we would have to find a ride to the food pantry, which happened anyways sometimes.  

Eventually I did (when our circumstances changed).  And she punished me for it (my son would go with her instead and she'd not buy us any groceries).  But I still held my ground and didn't go.  And she never stopped punishing me for it.  But here's the kicker (as my dad used to say): I still felt horrible about saying no.  So I still felt awful whether I went or said no.  It didn't matter.  And she knew this, and that's why she still punished me for it.  When I finally stopped stammering over myself when I said no, when I stopped making excuses, and stopped caring what her response would be, she stopped punishing me.  Oh she still didn't buy us groceries.  But I stopping giving a shit about it and supplemented by going to more than one food pantry instead.

So in order for me to break free of her control and break free of the pain she caused me with it, it had nothing to do with if I said no, it was how I said no.  And most of all, it was how I dealt with the aftermath. 

Nobody can make you feel awful without your consent.  

When you stop letting someone else control your mind, not just your actions or your body, but your mind too?  That's when you've truly broken free of their control.  

When I went no contact the last time (for almost two years), I still lived in a prison every single day until I saw her again.  Even when we moved 500 miles away!!!  I dreamed about her every single night.  I feared leaving my house, scared to death I was going to run into her (and odds were good that would happen, as we lived a block away from each other).  I don't know why I feared that so much.  Confrontation is NOT my thing with her (something I am still working on with my therapist) so the idea of running into her was the worst thing I could imagine happening.  Which was so very stupid.  But at the time, it felt real.  I also never answered the door, for fear of her coming over.  I hated getting the mail, fearing her sending me something stupid again.  Every moment I lived in constant fear.  Two entire years, I could have just been low-contact with her instead and not driving myself as crazy as I did.  But I had no idea that I held the power.  I never knew it and wasted so much of my god damned life not knowing it.  But I did.  Instead, I just gave her my power as though it didn't belong to me to begin with.  

Eeek.  Why do we give away our power so easily?  I know, we were brought up to believe we had to.  But we don't.  Not anymore.  And never again.  

So what I want you to do is start today.  If you're no contact with your parents, then pick someone else in your life who gives you trouble.  And take your damn power back.  Start saying no.  Start only saying yes to the things that enrich you.  To the things that build you up and strengthen your power.  To the things that support you.  To the things that make you whole.  Take your power back by saying not only no to what does not nourish you, but know it's okay to do so.  Be okay with saying no.  Learn to love it.  Relish in the fact that you can assert your power without hurting others.  You can say no and know that you have every right to so, even if the other person says you don't.  

If I had only known this for, what?  Forty freaking years?  I could have saved myself so much worry and guilt.  

There is never a reason to engage a narc who is trying to take your power from you.  So don't.  End the conversation.  Walk away.  Hang up.  Change the subject.  Whatever you have to do let them know that your power is yours, not theirs for the taking anymore. 

It's hard, but it gets easier.  And you'll be so much happier when you do <3  I know I am.  I don't always remember to do this, but when I do, it's wonderful.  And the more I do it, the better I get at it.  

You will, too.  

Good luck <3