My therapist is a nice guy.  At first, I didn't really care for him, because it was awkward getting to know him.  He'd always give me "homework" then promptly forget the next session what my homework was.  Or he'd remember something from someone else and not me (and for some reason, I never corrected him...it's that whole "doctor/patient" thing, I have issues saying stuff because I'm afraid of pissing them off).  And since the first two sessions, he's been pretty cool.  He's given me great coping techniques for dealing with my mother, one being to rate all her behaviors from 1-5, 1 being minor and 5 being major.  Then anything three or below, it's not worth getting upset over.  I find that when I do this, most of the stupid issues I'm getting upset about are a zero.  

But our last two sessions really bugged me because two sessions ago, it was on my father's 20 year deathaversary, and he didn't a) say he was sorry for my loss or anything like that or b) didn't bring him up at all.  I tried, but he wouldn't listen to me, and my mother takes up so much of my life usually, that I don't have time to talk about much else.  I really wish he would have brought up my father that day (not now, because it's not relevant).  I did try to talk about him to my therapist, quite a bit actually, but instead, he veered the conversation to the present.  Which really bothered me (I know, I should bring this up to him).

But then yesterday happened.  I get therapists are people.  And people have ideas.  But at the same time, I get the gist that my therapist likes to feel like he's being helpful when he's just not.  Granted, how can he know unless I tell him?  I mean, I do try to backtrack when he goes off on a tangent, and much of the time I try to correct him, but I always get the feeling that he thinks I'm making excuses for whatever it is he thinks is going on at the time.  

But yesterday?  Wow.  It was like I wasn't even there.  I was telling him how my anxiety was on an upswing again, which is how my anxiety works.  I get better for a bit, and then it comes back, and so forth.  It'll go back and forth like that all the time.  It always has.  Sometimes there is a reason (like now, it's my allergies: when my nose gets stuffed, I get anxious because I feel like my breathing is off).  I've been having trouble driving again, but not as bad as usual.  And for some reason, hearing me say all this he went off on a tangent.  "So, what I am hearing is that, you are doing too much, and that's causing you stress, which is causing your anxiety to get worse."  Um, what?  He thinks I have too much on my plate, that I have to do everything, and it makes me stress out which makes me anxious.  Oh geezus.  Has he been listening to me at all these past few months?  First of all, I've been majorly stressed out since the summer of 2018.  The fall of 2018 was the absolute WORST for my stress (as we'd become homeless) and my anxiety got better.  Not because the stress made me forget to be anxious, but because I was manually forced it to.  I found Buddhism, and used mindfulness techniques constantly and for the first time in 10 years, I could drive again.  And I kept getting better after that.  And my stress levels?  Have only got worse.  

He knows all of this.  Stress doesn't cause my anxiety.  Yes, it can exacerbate it at times, but only when I'm already having it.  I've lived with my mother for almost six months now, and my anxiety levels haven't changed until the past two weeks (it was triggered by a driving event that caused me to have a horrible panic attack...though, it was starting a tiny bit before that, due to my allergies, but the driving event made it kick into overdrive).  

And the whole "doing it all" stuff, that came out of left field.  I never talk about having to do it all.  And there I sat, like a codependent little robot trying to find ways to agree with him.  "Um, I guess so...I mean, I do the laundry once a week and cook every night....so, um, I guess so?"  I wish I had the self confidence to stop him and say "Whoah, you're way off base here" but then I am so scared he'll say back "Am I though?"  And then think I am just being stubborn.  

Here's my issue with therapists: most are narcissists (just like people, because, well, they are people and narcs are attracted to jobs that give them power over others).  I've met WAY too many narc therapists and every single one didn't listen to me.  And when I did stand up for myself, and say "no" to whatever it was they were saying, they either didn't listen to me, didn't believe me, or got upset and punished me (just like my mother).  They trigger me with my relationship with my mother, so I am stuck sitting there letting them say what they want, without correcting them.  Funny, my therapist tells me now when my mother says things that I don't like to be honest with her.  I wonder if he'd be okay with me being honest with him?  That's the thing: I just don't think so. 

I had one therapist that was amazing.  Her name was Nina.  She was caring, she listened, and she gave great advice.  And there never came an instance where she talked over me or didn't listen to what I was saying and just came up with her own conclusions (like mine did yesterday).  She never once put me in the position to have to stand up for myself.  She understood what her patients needed.  Then she left the clinic to work as an administrator, not even a therapist.  Which royally sucked.

All the other ones have been varying shades of annoying (to downright awful).  Like one therapist I had always hugged me when I showed up.  Not because she thought I needed a hug, but because she was a hugger.  I hate hugs.  But for some reason, when someone goes to touch me, I feel horribly guilty saying "Sorry, I am not a hugger", so I always give in and hug the person.  I was taught as a child my boundaries do not matter, so I still have issues with letting people cross my boundaries (though any therapist should know this and NEVER hug their patients anyways).  And I had to listen to her talk about her adopted children all the time, as though they weren't her real children (her sister died and she took in her nieces and nephews).  I hated the way she talked about them.  She knew I was adopted, too.  Which let me to believe that she did it on purpose.  During our talks, I found out WAY more about her than she did about me.  And she never once participated when I was talking.  She just let me talk.  And when I get nervous, because nobody is talking, I talk to fill the space.  And I told her to begin with, that I hated when therapists don't say anything.  I could talk to a wall if I wanted to do that.  And it'd be free.  Therapists who ignore your requests are not good therapists.  

I had one who was dead set on EMDR.  I saw her for over a year.  And I kept telling her I can't do it because all my  migraines are usually either eye or smell related.  Those are my two biggest triggers.  So she kept badgering me and badgering until I relented, and guess what?  It gave me one of the worst migraines ever (and it didn't even work, because I think EMDR is a crock of crap...but if it works for others, then go for it).  This set off a series of migraines so I stopped seeing her.  The other issue with her was that she was a liar.  She listened to my issues about my mother and then she'd tell me all these things I could do to help my situation.  And then I found out they were all lies.  Nothing she said was true.  Not one thing.  Services she said I could get for her didn't exist.  Legal action I could take to get her driver's license revoked did not exist.  Programs she boasted about didn't exist.  None of it was real. It started to make me wonder if anything she said was true.  That was another reason I stopped seeing her.  

Another one, who my husband also saw and had the same issues with, was quiet as a mouse and only repeated exactly what I said back to me.  That was her version of "therapy".  

One, named Gail, was a loudmouth who talked about herself the entire time I was in session.  She'd also talk about her other patients to me and show me pictures of her house on her phone constantly.  She left the clinic, so I was glad I didn't have to be the one to leave her.  

Since 2005, I've had eight therapists.  Many of those were working at a clinic that gave away free therapy as a way to get there credits for work.  So once they were done fulfilling their quota, they'd leave and go back to their real jobs.  But half of them were just people with their own practices.  My new therapist does therapy over the phone with me (which is the way all of these should have been, what a waste of gas and time driving to get there only to be annoyed so much of the time).  So I am in love with this new way doctors are doing phone services instead of in person.  I don't even have to video chat him, yay!  (though we did once, it was horrible--I could hear myself talking in his phone and it lagged and ugggh)  

He's really great at helping with my mother.  And no, I do not feel he's a narcissist.  But still, I always have this fear of stating what I don't want to a person in the position of power over me (granted, he's not actually in power, but it's how it feels when it's a doctor).  Stating "I don't think the way this conversation is going" makes me feel like I'm telling him he's doing his job wrong.  And I have had some bad experiences with people when I have said things like that.   The EMDR therapist lady punished me after I had my bad experience with EMDR by always telling me I must have "done it wrong" if it didn't work, and then basically withheld services from me (she always cancelled on me, then when I did her, she didn't talk much...though it was a good thing, because all her words were lies anyways).  My son saw a therapist who verbally attacked him and me at our first session and I switched to a different one for him, and she called and then verbally attacked me on the phone.  I reported her ass.  When someone makes me angry, I have no issues standing up to them.  But when someone's just being weird, I feel like I'm being a jerk for saying they're doing things wrong.  

I know this is my issue.  And I won't stop seeing him (talking to him) just because he bugs me sometimes.  He's a human, and doesn't live in my head.  I know this.  And I know I will have to get the courage to stop him and say "I think we're veering off course here".  Or to say "I would have liked it if you had asked about my father or let me talk about him that day".  Because he's helped me more in the few months I've had him than any other therapist has, even if he goes off on a tangent once in awhile.  I should tell him my issues, and ask him if he would be okay if I told when I am not jiving with our conversation.  Then it would set it up for when it does happen and maybe I'll be okay stopping him and bringing the conversation back on track.  I'm just so afraid he won't respond in a good way and I'll be stuck finding a new therapist again.  And I don't want that.  Granted, I'd be better off with a new therapist if he reacts badly to my objections, but at the same time, god knows how long it'll be before I find one that's good again?  And that scares me.  

I know, I should tell him all of this.  But that's like telling a claustrophobic person to just get in the box.  The only way you'll get over your fear is to get in the box.  But what if getting in the box makes it worse?  That's always a legitimate possibility.  Telling someone you fear rejection (or fear their reaction, but deep down, that's a fear of rejection, isn't it?) and having them reject you will not make you fear it any less.  It will only make it worse (though, my Buddhist studies teaches me to not take these types of things personally, so maybe I should start immersing myself into that more?).  

I crave safety.  I hate the unknown.  That stresses me out.  I don't fear the unknown if I've built a safety net for myself first.  So how do I build a safety net for myself with this?  Being able to trust him is one way.  So I guess just asking him "Are you okay with me telling you when I think our conversation isn't jiving with me?"  His answer will let me know if I can trust him.  And his answer will let me know if I keep him or not (though I do suspect he'll be fine with it...I hope).  

Why can't my mother be normal?  Then I may not even need a therapist LOL  

UPDATE 2021: I did stop seeing him, twice!  He's a jackass who talks over me constantly and doesn't listen to a word I say!  It got so bad that he started replacing my mother's voice whenever I'd do something he'd disapprove of!  It's like playing out my issues with my mother all over again!  Geezus.  What's wrong with people??