So my mother bought a shirt online and got it today.  It says "Mama Bear" on it.  And it irritates me to no end.  Now, my mother does not consider herself a "mama bear", which is better than if she did.  She bought it because she has a cat named Bear she's obsessed with (she has 8 cats and he's the only one she obsesses over, though this could be because of dementia....my grandmother obsessed over her cat, too, but she only had 1).  But it still irks me, because of what "Mama Bear" really means.  I've never experienced having a mother love me so much that she'll fiercely protect me whenever I needed it.  Not once.  Not when I was sick.  Not when I was hurt.  Not when others were hurting me.  Never.  Yes, she stuck up for me at times, but only when she absolutely had to (meaning when she had no other choice).  That's it.  She doesn't care about me the way she cares about her cat.  Though I wouldn't want her to.  It's a little obsessive and over the top.  She walks around all day and yells for him out front and back, like really, really loudly.  Like the poor cat can't have a life of his own.  He has to conform to what my mother wants for him, every minute of every single day.  If he was a human, I'd feel really bad for him.  As a cat, though, he just does want he wants anyways (I have some respect for his rebellious nature, he reminds me of me when I was young).  

I think what bothers me is that I've always been a "mama bear" type of personality.  You don't fuck with my family (my hubby, kids, and pets) because I will fiercely stand up for them when I need to.  I also don't let people fuck with the poor, with animals, or with kids.  I will fiercely protect anyone I see being abused or mistreated.  I grew up without a single person every protecting me (though that's not entirely true, as my mother did do some things to protect me when I was really little, though not enough) so I feel this innate need to protect everyone else.  And I've come to realize, that not all people want my protection, so I've had to learn to back off at times.  

As for my kids, as a "mama bear", I've had to learn to back off as they age, and let them fight their own battles.  That's so very hard, because I hate seeing anyone shit on people I love.  Same goes for my husband.  I've had to bite my tongue more than a million times with his parents (though not anymore) back in the day because I didn't have the right to take over someone else's pain and act as though it was my own.  I think that's what it is in life, with us "mama bears".  Every time someone hurts someone we love, it reactivates our own inner unhealed pain and we get a little over the top with our protection. 

Once, I saw some assholes in line with my kid at the food court at the mall, whispering about him and pointing.  So I got real close to them and stared at them until they noticed and they got super uncomfortable and left LOL  My son said I embarrassed him.  And I did.  I didn't mean to.  But I was beyond livid that someone would treat my child that way.  I love my kids, fiercely, though maybe a little too fiercely at times.  I think deep down I act the way I wish someone would have acted for me.  Though I used to be worse with it, because not only was the incidents reactivating my own pain, but now you're fucking with my kid, too.  So I'm double mad.  

I've curbed that behavior, thank goodness.  I found Buddhism and I'm much more chill.  I now don't overreact, but just respond to those types of things.  If I could go back to that food court, I'd just have cleared my throat at those young people to let them know I saw them being jerks, rather than make them scared of me.  I used to say "Why are people so scared of me?" to my husband.  I kind of realize now why.  Angry people are unpredictable.  I know, I've seem people literally go insane over nothing (esp. with road rage).  

So maybe being a "mama bear" is just being overreactive and not something to proud of?  Granted, you can be a "mama bear" just being an advocate for your child, and not his/her fierce protector.  You can stand up for someone without being angry.  Being a "bear" suggests you are angry.  I don't want to be angry again.  I want to be "mama zen" instead.  A mama (and wife and friend and stranger) who advocates for people who need me to with kindness.  Yes, you gotta get angry sometimes (or rather, forceful, not actually angry).  You have to push when you need to (like my son needs a specialist and his doc is being an ass about getting him one).  But you don't have to tear someone's face off about it.  

So ma can have her shirt.  She can be a mama bear for her cat.  I don't need her to be my mother at all anymore,  I am my own mother (and she hasn't been my mother since 2012 when I found out she has NPD).  I advocate for myself.  I take care of myself.  I always have.  Not that well, in the past, but nowadays, yes.  I don't have to let the pain of my childhood dictate what type of parent I am.  I have the full ability to heal myself without my mother's help or apologies or acknowledgement of her abuse.  I can be Mama Zen, if I choose it.  I don't have to be angry anymore.  At her (though that's hard, because she tries relentlessly to anger me LOL).  At my past.  Or at myself.  Or at others for triggering me.  I can't just "let it all go" (like people like to tell us to do).  But I can work with it, heal it, and transform it, as I've been doing for the past two years.  

This shirt issue triggered me more than it should have.  But now I know why.  And I can move on from it and not take offense about it.  Because it has nothing to do with me at all.  Though, that's kind of what triggered me to begin with.  But even so, I don't need a "mama bear".  I never did.  I needed someone to love me.  And now I don't need her love to feel complete anymore.  So that's what matters.  I need to remember that when I get angry about stupid things like this.  I am complete even without her love.  

Now, I'm going to go high-five her cat for defying her every single day, because I love his little rebellious soul LOL