Okay, I'm going to tell you right now, I did not really like this woman back in the day.  I look at old pics of us together and I cringe at remembering how much grief she gave me.  I kinda sorta hated this woman at times.  And other times, she was okay, and we made sort of good friends.  It was a push and pull that always confused me.  Here's how we met: 

Have you heard of MOMS Club?  It's an international support group for stay at home mothers.  I started my local chapter and this girl showed up the first day, pissed, because I started it first.  I literally beat her to it by a couple of days.  Oops.  Anyways, she always thought the group was hers and poo-pooed everything I did and even went out of her way to join mini-groups I made just to shit on my ideas (like Recipe Club, or the Party Planning Committee--yes, this was literally "The Office"--she was an actual Angela).  I was (and still am) proud of what I did what that group.  It went from just me, to about thirty-five members, with all sorts of activities and fun for stay at home moms and their kids.  Like Lunch Bunch, Get Up and Move! Hour (something I invented for the preschoolers to come to each week at the library to dance and have fun), Scrapbook Club, Book Club, etc.  Many of those groups were run by our dedicated members and were a blast.  I was the president, but in the beginning, I was everything (the membership VP, administrative VP, treasurer, and secretary).  But we formed an executive board and eventually the other members took up the other positions, with this girl being the secretary.

Her son was between the ages of my kids.  And he was violent.  Like, very violent.  He would attack my oldest son and once, I had to bring him to the doctor to get him checked out after an incident at our Get Up and Move! Hour.  She was talked to, and she promised to keep him under control, which did work mostly.  But it didn't change her attitude.  I was late to a meeting once, and she said to me that I was being disrespectful by being late and that she thought that if someone didn't value her time, that it was a direct insult to her.  I told her to stop taking my actions that have nothing to do with her personally, because, duh, that's just silly.  But I was never late again after that.  In fact, I was early and was always the first to show up to every single meeting (there were several a month).  Why?  Because I was pissed she made me look like a jerk for being late (I have two kids on the spectrum--though even if they weren't, parents of small kids are allowed to be late--so sometimes getting places on time was harder) and I wanted her to eat her words for that.  

She was BFF's with my Membership VP, who was another horrible woman (she literally slut shamed me at our Christmas party after I shared a funny story, something everyone was talking about, but she didn't think it was appropriate I joined in as our President LMAO...like we weren't just a bunch of moms creating something to do for ourselves haha).  They'd team up together and spread rumors about me to the other women, which got me "uninvited" to a birthday party of one of my closest friend sin the group.  It was getting catty and sick and eventually made me mentally unable to handle my job with them anymore.  I was going nuts trying to be "perfect" for these woman who only judged each other and gossiped every second of the day, which made my anxiety spin out of control.  I started having panic attacks so much that I just said one day "That's it, I'm done!" and never went back to the group.  After the year and a half I worked my ass to make it what it was, I just had to walk away (which was the best choice I ever made back then LOL).  

But the woman in question showed up to every single event and just told me everything I was doing was stupid.  She wanted me to do things her way or not at all.  She hated the group thrived under my presidency so she kept telling me "You don't even get paid for this.  Why do you even do this kind of work??"  As though me stepping down would give her the ability to run the group.  I met her mother once, who was a huge narcissist (though I had no idea what that was at the time), so I know where she got her behavior from.  

But then at other times, she was so freaking nice to me.  She confided in me and stood up for me.  I think maybe I was just blinded and had no idea what narcissism really looked like, so I didn't realize she was playing me the whole time, just so I'd let my guard down so she could swoop in and try to take over.  After I left MOMS Club, her and I kept a cordial (yet very distant) relationship (I don't know why) for many years. 

But I looked her up today, as I do every few years and I found her website missing.  She has the same name as a famous singer and the singer wanted to buy her website from her and she refused.  So I always checked to see if she sold it, and usually I'd message her to see what she's been up to.  And today, it was gone.  The famous singer doesn't even have it.  It just...evaporated.  As if it never existed.  And then I googled her and found out she passed away four years ago.  

And it shook me.  She's barely older than me.  And one day she found out she had leukemia and fifteen months later she died.  She left behind her son and her shitty abusive husband that she was still married to when she died.  She spent her adult life getting an "allowance" from her husband each month, and if she spent that money, she didn't get more.  Once, her car broke down, and he refused to pay for it since she didn't have enough "allowance" so her and her son were stuck at home for a month.  He also physically abused her at times, which could be where her son got his violent streak from.  Also, she wanted her son to have more discipline, but her husband refused to give a crap and let their son do whatever he liked.  So without more consistent parenting, he got more and more out of control.  This made her angry and sad.  Back then, I saw her as a woman who's life was out of control at home, so she came to MOMS Club and took out all her frustration on us (namely, me).  I am not sure if this was exactly the case, but it seemed that way at the time.  

Eventually, she moved by her parents and worked for their business so she could have her own money.  But I know what it's like to be desperate and have to move home, only to have your narc parents take over your life.  So she moved from one controlling asshole, to yet another.  Though now, she had her own money and no longer had to depend on someone giving her an "allowance" if her car broke down.  

At first, I hated her.  But as I got older, I felt sorry for her (even though she was an asshole).  She loved her son.  So very, very much.  That was one thing her and I had in common.  We were both mothers who fiercely loved their children.  She didn't seem to be toxic to him (though I have no idea what went on behind closed doors).  But she did suffer.  Greatly.  And then she got leukemia out nowhere.  And bam.  Gone.  

Just like my dad.  He got his diagnosis (a different kind of cancer) and within five weeks, BAM.  Gone.  

So I guess what I am trying to say here is that life is too damn short to let toxic assholes muck up your life.  We never know when our numbers are up.  So why do we punish ourselves by living someone's dream of who we are or what our lives should look like?  Fuck that.  Stop caring what they'll say.  What they think.  Or how they'll react.  They do not deserve our worry or our fears.   My old friend left one and went back home to another, and NEVER LEFT!  She stayed working for them AND stayed married to that jerk until the day she died.  Life is too precious to spend it feeling obligated to people who would throw us under a bus if need be.  

Let me ask you something...are you spending the holidays with your asshole family this year?  If so, why?   Don't be afraid to tell them no.  Don't be afraid to say that your health is worth more than your family getting together to celebrate a holiday.  Just say no.  And leave it at that.  I know it's hard.  But you have to put your foot down.  If you can't, have someone else do it for you.  We all have to stop giving into narcissists just to make them happy.  

Let 2021 be the year you start making YOU happy.  Not them.  

My old friend died being surrounded by those who only wanted to use and control her.  Had she left and made her own way in life, away from those jerks?  She'd have died being free.  She had have enjoyed the time she had left on this earth.  I'm not sure my father could have made any choices for himself to make him happy, other than getting a time machine and a good therapist.  But T could have.  Maybe she wasn't the nicest person.  But maybe she would have been nicer had she been happier?  Who knows.  

The only person I can make decisions for is me.  So lately, I've been standing up to the narcissist in my life without caring if she gets pissed or not.  Because my job is to keep her safe and if she's not going to listen to me (like taking walks when she's already broken 2 bones this year by doing so), I will start taking away her ability to do these things.  If she won't stop getting the mail without her walker?  I will get a locking mailbox (which I'm doing anyways).  Things like that.  I've always been afraid of standing up to her.  But lately, I've been realizing something my therapist has been telling me: this is my life, god dammit.  And I'm not taking a back seat anymore.  And today, after finding out my old MOMS Club cohort died so young, I realize that more than ever, it's so freaking important to not give someone else the keys to my life.  I mean, why would I give the keys to a senile old woman who meows at my door for five minutes while I'm on the phone (which happened the other day, btw)?  

And why give the keys to someone who only wants to control you and hurt you?  We are the drivers in our lives.  Not anyone else.  And certainly not them.  So this holiday season, start by putting your boundaries down.  And the moment you question yourself, to ask if you're doing the right thing?  Remember my friend.  I don't want the end of my life to come while I'm still wrapped up in the lives of those who get off on hurting me.  Do you?  

But it's okay if you can't right now.  Just keep this idea in your back pocket for when you can.  💗💗

(By the way, her death song is "Fast Car", the Black Pumas version...every time someone I know dies, a song will present itself to me and it will apply to their lives so well, it's almost as if the song was written just for them, and it becomes their death song.  T needed a fast car.  She needed to get the hell out of dodge, but never did.  I am sure at one point her life she was happy.  But then life happened and took a turn down a road she didn't want to be and she stayed miserable because of it.  I like to imagine her riding in a fast car, getting the hell away from all the pain of her life.  My grandmother's song is "Calling All You Angels" by Train, my ex's dad's song is "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson.  My friend from our anxiety support group who lost her life to depression's song is "Brave" by Sara Bareilles.  She stayed as brave as she could for as long as she could, until she just couldn't anymore.  A lady in Australia, a blogger I used to read, her son died by his father's hand and his song is "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  And my father's song is "Faithfully" by Journey.)