My mother's been in physical rehab for five days now.  I've talked to her twice (the kids talked to her on the other days), and it was actually nice.  We'd chat and laugh and talk about the good food she's eating.  I thought, stupidly as usual, maybe this is a turnaround?  Maybe we can have fun talking to each other now?  

What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why do we, who have narc parents, think they are capable of change?  Even this far into the game, you'd think I'd know better by now LOL  But alas, I sometimes still get sucked back in.  So she calls today and proceeds to tell me she has a list for me.  I rolled my eyes and thought "Here we go again."  

The past four or five days, I've had a cervicogenic headache.  I never knew these existed, even though I've had them several times.  I've always had neck pain with migraines (sometimes really severe) but now I have pain at the base of my skull and down my neck, into my shoulders and back.  Like BAD.  So googled "Can you get a migraine in the base of your skull?"  Because I have migraine symptoms with this, too.  I'm dizzy, nauseous, and have had extreme anxiety.  Everything I get with migraines.  So I assumed it was a migraine.  Before, when the pain was bad enough to see a doctor, I said "I have arthritis in my neck, can this cause my migraines?"  He said "Oh no, it's just your neck muscles, just stretch them out."  This was a couple years ago.  Turns out, arthritis can cause cervicogenic headaches, and you can get migraine symptoms with them.  Ugh, doctors are so annoying sometimes.

So for the past four days, I've been in so much pain, I can barely cook or do much of anything at all.  I was getting worried.  And then I wondered if the pain was caused by the ungodly amount of stress I put myself through the day before my mom had surgery and the day of.  Not because I was worried about the surgery, I knew that would work out fine.  But nobody seemed to know if she was going to go into rehab 100%, and there was no way I could take care of her.  So I thought maybe this was a discharge of all that adrenaline and cortisol I was feeling pumping through my body for those two days.  Turns out, it was just a coincidence (but I am sure it didn't help).

Anyways, my point is, I only talked to her the first two days because after that I have been unable to even bring myself to call her because I didn't feel like talking to anyone at all.  So I had my kids call her to chat, which she loved.  But today, she calls me and and not only "has a list for me", but also starts in on some rant about how I have to get the covid vaccine and I told her I can't, as it's only like "stage one" in our town, where only doctors and medical people get it, as well as nursing home patients.  She kept arguing with me about it and I wanted to scream "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING, SO WHY DO YOU THINK YOU DO??"  Because that's how she is.  She gets a silly idea in her head, and then she obsesses about it, until someone gets angry with her enough to tell her to knock it off.  But I didn't say anything and we were interrupted by her nurse, thank god.  She also then told me she had a list of things for me to do.  I am not in a mood right now to be antagonized with how much pain I'm in, so I just didn't call her back.  

But she called me back, and instead of giving me a list, she bragged about how she got up and moved around without any help.  Which is a HUGE NO NO, because it hasn't even been a week since her surgery (and she's a freaking fall risk, which she KNOWS).  She ended up having all the nurses in her room yelling at her, which she found humorous.  I did not.  So normally I just ignore her when she talks about her stupid antics (and she does this a LOT...she does something really, really stupid and then brags about it to everyone that'll listen).  But today, I got angry.  I said "So, you want to stay there longer?  Because that's how you break a bone."  She then giggled and said more about how she does what she wants and I said "Oh, so you think it's cute when you do stupid things?  Is that it?  Or are you just trying to annoy me?  Because it's not cute and you've sufficiently annoyed me.  I am not there.  I cannot stop you from doing these things.  So why tell me about it?  Because it's not funny nor is it cute."  She then asked me "Why are you so angry?"  Like she was honestly confused why it pissed me off.  I said because this is what what I am going to look forward to when she gets home if she can't even listen to her doctors and nurses in the hospital.  She can't take a complete authority and listen to them, how the hell is she ever going to listen to me? 

I think I'm just going to tell her every time she brags about her antics "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.  You're choosing to put yourself in danger and you're going to be the one to pay the price for it."  Like I've said, she's already broken two bones this year because she does things without thinking or caring about her own safety.  Things she was told not to do already.  And unlike her, when she does these stupid things, and I threaten to stop her from being able to do it again (like, when I told her I'd get our mail sent to the post office instead of at home when she refused to listen to me that her walking out to get the mail was dangerous for her, since she falls ALL the time--she thinks I'm full of it, but I don't mind putting a hold on our mail, but she did stop walking out there, thank goodness), I mean it.  She likes to threaten things at me and my kids that make no sense and things she'd never do in a million years.  Like grandiose things.  Something a five year old would say, thinking they are "big" when they say it.

She wants the world to think she's a badass.  That she lives by her own rules and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants.  And I know she's going to have one hell of a meltdown when she gets home and finds out she no longer has control of anything in her life.  

Because see, my husband and I have made the decision that she cannot make decisions for herself or her finances anymore.  Perhaps, she shouldn't have been for years.  She lets life insurances lapse, and even her car insurance.  I also found she's been messing up her medication and been making dubious purchases online (and off).  She gets an idea in her head and runs with it, rather than thinking it out and realizing it's a bad choice.  These are all signs her dementia is progressing.  Not to mention she hides things from me, just so she can get away with something that's really bad for her (like buying medication online that she had no idea what it does or what it's even for).  Also, she gets out her debit card every time she answers the phone and some idiot is telling her that she owes them money (scammers).  So I've been changing everything over to accounts I control, so I can make sure her bills are paid on time (automatic withdrawal is so awesome), that she doesn't stop paying on stuff she needs to pay on, and so she doesn't buy random things on the internet.  I have also set up parental controls on her computer she can't buy things without my permission.  I am her power of attorney (for both medical and financial), and I had hoped that when the time came to enact my PoA superpowers, it would be when she was really far gone with her dementia.  But no, she has enough of her mind left that it's going to be a BIG problem when she finds out.  And I am stressing out trying to get it all done before she gets home.  

So to lessen the stress of everything for both her, but mostly me, we decided to try this new thing with her.  It's called "grandma of the house".   It means that we're going to present to her the different dynamics in our house, because the way we've been doing it hasn't been working.  For my entire life, my mother has been in the position of "woman of the house", meaning she has all the power.  Even when I was an adult, she'd march into my house and act as though she was the woman of the house (my house) and my role was just to be her lackey.  Sames goes for her friends.  She's the boss, they are the minions, just as she views me.  So now that she's going to be gone for a bit, I am going to step into my role as "woman of the house".  And my mother is "grandma of the house".  I am the boss.  As is my husband, as he is "man of the house" (though she sees my hubby as "man of the house" already, which is so uncomfortable she thinks of herself as "woman of the house").  Our kids are "men of dominion".  Meaning, they are in control of their own choices, and their own lives (I don't really call them that LOL It's a fancy way of saying "they're grown-ass men").  They aren't the "man of the house" yet, as they do not have their own households to control, but they are certainly in control of their own spaces and their own lives.  They are not kids, and should not be treated as children, as much as my mother wants to treat them that way.  

So we all have our new roles, and my mother is going to step into her role as "grandma of the house", whether she wants to or not, she won't have a choice.  She is no longer in charge of anything (which means she'll have nothing to threaten me with--though she will try, watch), other than her own room.  I will be in charge of her cats (cat food, litter, healthcare, etc.--I've already been in charge of those things, but she refuses to pay for healthcare for some of her cats, which she will no longer have that choice anymore).  I will be in charge of paying her bills and and all the other stuff I already do, but now with the added parts of me being in charge of the house's furniture, the yard, and everything else that she would step on my toes constantly to try to take charge of and not let me have any say-so in.  I am tired of doing ALL the fucking work, and yet, I do not feel like I am living in my own house.  I feel like a ghost who haunts the halls only whenever I am needed to leave my room.  

With this new dynamic, I will no longer have to hide anymore.  I will make time for my mother to ramble off whatever she needs to ramble off about to me, but I will also make sure I have my own space when I need it, wherever I am at in my house.  For I am the "woman of the house" (though we're not hung up on gender labels with this, so you could be "whatever you want of the house" if you adopt the same dynamics in your house, just as long as you're the leader of your own life), and I will demand my own space without letting her always invade mine.  

Sound stupid, I know, creating a label for something that should be automatic.  But you have a narc mom, don't you?  And are you allowed to be an adult in your own life?  Or does your mother try to be your boss and tell you what you can and cannot do, even though you're a grown-ass adult?  Even if the label is just symbolic, you don't want to say it out loud, you can think it, and it will make you feel more powerful.  "I am (whatever) of the house, I will not let her control my life". 

What will her role be, you ask?  Well, "grandma of the house" doesn't concern herself with appointments we make, and if my husband will have enough time to get to work (she's obsessed with my husband and this is one of her obsessions).  GOTH (haha I just realized that what word it makes when abbreviated) doesn't concern herself with bills or finances.  GOTH doesn't concern herself with what my kids are doing or if my youngest is getting his license or not yet (she hasn't mentioned this lately, but she used to be obsessed with it).  GOTH doesn't make choices for how to decorate the house (she can decorate her room if she likes though and we'll give her any help she needs).  GOTH doesn't rearrange things that aren't hers (something she does a LOT).  GOTH also doesn't decide where things go in the kitchen or decide what groceries to buy (though she can ask for whatever she likes when I do go grocery shopping).  GOTH doesn't tell us when we need to mow or shovel (and cannot make threats when we don't do things the moment she thinks we should do them).  GOTH doesn't tell me when to clean the garage or how to organize the garage or when to burn the cardboard I save for burning (I keep them in the garage).  Things like that.  GOTH doesn't worry about anything (though you know she will anyways), and she will be reminded of this when she opens her mouth to say something about what she thinks others should be doing. 

What can GOTH do then?  These are GOTH's twilight years.  It's her job to enjoy them.  It's her job to sit back, relax, have fun, play games, enjoy good weather (and anything she wants to enjoy), laugh with her family, and leaving a wonderful memory behind.  That last part will be hard, but that will be her goal, whether she likes it or not.  I want her life to be happy.  But more so, I want my fucking life to be happy.  I want my husband and kids to be happy.  I want everyone to enjoy this time when we are forced to have her in our care, because who knows how long it'll be.  So we need clear roles to play in this house.  Right, everything is muddled and confused.  It always has been.  She's been trying to hold onto her role as WOTH (woman of the house), even when it's not her house, for her entire life.  But she's just not the woman of the house anymore.  It's time she's accepted that.  But more so, it's time I accepted it.  It's time I stepped into that role and owned it, even if she is going to fight me for it.  She can fight all she wants, but she's not in the position to win anymore.  I've let her win for too long.  

So, I am in charge of my own life now.  And she's included in that, as I am her caretaker.  My husband is also in charge of his life, as are our children.  She will be taken care of, because she needs to be.  that will be her role.  Grandma of the house gets to sit back, and relax, and just enjoy life.   

I know, she won't ease into this role easily.  It will be forced upon her.  And I am not looking forward to that.  But it has to be this way.  There is no other choice.  I've been miserable WAY too long.  And now it's time I stepped into the role that should have been mine years ago (but lack of money and poor mental health--I have a severe anxiety disorder, have made it so she easily had access to my life to control me with both).  I am so happy to have this break so I can get everything done and actually feel like for once since moving in that this is my house.  Since April, I've felt like I've been stuck back with my cousin Mindy who held us hostage in her house after she caused us to become homeless (which to me, is kind of like getting abducted).  And I don't want to feel that way anymore.  

I've been standing up to her more lately.  Which makes me feel great.  I just want to feel even better. I want to feel normal again.  Or even better than my normal.  A new normal.  A normal where I am actually in charge of my own damn life.

Even if she never stops giving me a hard time about it all, I know it's the right thing to do, to protect both her and my family.  And I'll politely remind her that it isn't "grandma of the house's" job to (insert whatever she's mouthing off about here).  This way, I be polite, yet assertive and not engage her in arguing.  

Yeah, so wish me luck.  I wish I could say it will be easier than I think it will be, but this is my mother we're talking about.  I know how she works.  And it's going to be so much worse.  But I'll just smack a big smile on my face and say "Well, remember, grandma of the house is a good girl who doesn't bug me about this stuff 😁".  This way I can shut her down without being rude. 

I just hope it works *wink* 

UPDATE: June 2021

Well, it worked.  A little too well, actually.  Now she's not only GOTH as in "grandma of the house", but "ghost of the house", too.  She doesn't completely abide by her monthly spending account, but mostly she does.  She gets $200 a month--not accumulating.  Each month we put the account back up to $200.  That's her spending money--I buy her food, her clothes, her nutritional stuff, her meds, her shoes, even her cigarettes.  She gets $200 to spend on what she likes.  Most adults do not even have that much to spend.  She HATED it at first, but she's grown accustomed to it.  She's grown accustomed to everything, mostly.  She will still bitch, moan, and complain about stuff sometimes, but mostly it's not a big deal.  

I am so very, VERY happy I did this.  Thank freaking god.  We even finally have a savings account now!  Even though it was nerve wracking, it really worked.  Whoo hoo!