So tomorrow she's going in for surgery.  And my anxiety is through the roof.  Not because of the surgery itself.  Though that does scare me a little.  But more so because of what's going to be happening during this at least six week period after.  See, I am taking complete and total control of her finances.  And now she's hidden her debit and credit cards from me.  I assume they will be in her luggage.  I hope.  But I need to get up early to pat her down before she goes, because she thinks that she's taking them with her.  I have no idea why.  I assume it's so I don't take them from her, but even if she succeeds, I will still still report them all as lost and get new ones, pay off her credit cards and then close her accounts.  After she comes home, I will give her an allowance each month, but that's it.  She will not have access to her money otherwise.  

Recently, she's been buying random things in on the internet, not caring if her bills are getting paid.  And using her credit card, almost maxing out her $4,000 limit on bullshit.  If she does tomorrow, there will be no life insurance (another bill she stopped paying on, and rather than pay that one up, she got a new one, which started over and now won't be in effect for TWO YEARS).  And I will be stuck paying all her credit cards.  Rather than get her a new bank account to use for her allowance, I think I'm going to get her a prepaid debit card (like a money card you reload).  I am not sure what's best to use for that.  Any suggestions will be helpful.  But anyways, another thing she does is answer the phone no matter who calls.  And they're always people from India calling to tell her she owes them money.  And I will walk in and she will have her debit card out, ready to pay.  Other times, she's bought random medication off the internet, and pet medicine that she has no idea what it does.  It's all random and just her crazy brain saying "Oh!  I need to buy this!"  I think I may even put parental controls on her computer, to keep her from applying for more credit and from buying things.  

But right now, I am having bad anxiety because she thinks she's pulling one over on me with hiding her credit cards from me.  I hope I can find them so I don't have to miss any when I pay them off and cancel them.  Ugh.  And I think much of my anxiety is stemming from the talk I'm going to have with her about it all.  Eventually she'll relent.  But I know how she is.  When I took her keys away, it was months of asking for them back.  When I forbid her going in the basement, it was months and months of her asking to go down there.  When I stopped her from walking out to get the mail (she falls, a LOT, and has broken two bones in 12 months), she didn't put up that much of a fight, instead, she just did it.  Until I threatened to stop getting the mail at our house.  And that's still on the table for when after she heals from surgery, because it's not her foot that made it dangerous, it's her body.  She does not walk straight and falls easily.  

The thing is, I am too anxious right now to be happy.  I know should be happy.  About six ENTIRE weeks without her.  I can relax for the first time in, well, since creating this blog (when she stopped talking to me for a couple months).  That was in 2012.  Almost nine years ago.  Even my year and a half stint going no-contact with her wasn't relaxing in the least.  She still harassed me during that time and I still had nightmares about her every single night.  I even feared leaving my house.  Even when we moved 500 miles away!  But this six coming weeks will hopefully be bliss (unless she calls constantly).  And here I am, not exited, just fearing what's to come.  Ugh.  Though I now I will enjoy it.  And I will find my courage and I will get the things done that need to be done.

I also live in fear something will fall through and she'll have to come home early and I will be stuck living in total hell taking care of her.  I don't think that's possible, but it's still a fear I have.  

Ugh.  I just want tomorrow to come, everything to work out, and I will be able to breathe and relax.  *deep breath*  This is my break.  This is my time to heal from all I've had to put up with since April (and before).  This will be hopefully be grand.  Let's just cross our fingers that it all works out, okay?  

Eeek.