and I already got my gift from my mother.  Apparently, the kitchen appliance I re-bought because ours broke, is my birthday gift, according to her.  

Every year, my mother gives me a gift, whether it's for my birthday or for Christmas, that's not really a gift for me.  It's either a gift for the house, or a gift for me to use for the house.  Like appliances that cook food (like the blender she bought me for xmas one year--it was a "control" gift, given to me as a punishment to the rest of my family--long story), or an outdoor clothesline, as though I want to truck my ass up from the basement carrying a heavy basket of wet laundry, just to put everything out on a line.  When she gave me that one, she then dictated where I was to put it in the yard.  She bought it because she used to have one at our old house, so in reality, the gift was for her to live vicariously through me for something she doesn't have anymore. The same year (last year, in 2020) she also had my husband buy me a hanging flower basket for Mother's Day, and then proceeded to take it and put it where she wanted and eventually, she killed it, because I refused to let her take control of it.

None of the gifts she gives me is for me.  She buys other people things they love, but buys me either gifts she wants for herself (like my plant) or gifts I can use to make things for other people.  

I am going to be 44 this year.  So it's not like I am a little kid expecting my mommy to fulfill my wishes or anything like that.  I am old enough to know that my mother is disappointing in every way and will never live up to the "normal" expectations of a real mom.  She sees me as nothing more than an extension of herself.  Right before she left to go into rehab after surgery, she "bought me" an air fryer.  I said "What on earth did you buy this for?"  "You wanted one!" she replied.   I then told her never in my entire life did I ever want an air fryer.  She argued with me, saying that I did say I wanted one and had been wanting one for a long time.  Granted, she has dementia, but I honestly think she mixed me up with herself.  See, she sees me as an extension of herself so much that she could not remember that she was the one who wanted an air fryer and still to this day thinks I asked for one.  And of course, it was me trucking it back to the store to return it for her.  I don't know how many times before she left she'd buy things off Amazon and I'd have to return it to the store that takes Amazon returns (when I say "I", I mean me and my husband).  The older she gets, the worse her dementia gets, and the more she stops seeing me as a real person.  I am here to be at her beck and call, so why would you buy a servant or a maid or a nurse a birthday present that has special meaning for them?  No way!  Just buy them stuff instead that helps take care of you better (or it's to make more work for them).  

I know I shouldn't care.  But I bought my pressure cooker myself two days ago and it came today and I was so excited because it's really cool and then my mother saw it and said "I hope that's your birthday present from me!"  Why would it be?   But of course, she's going to claim it as her gift, even though I paid for it and it had nothing to do with her at all.  And my birthday is months away.  She just wanted to ruin it for me.  But I won't let her.

So today, I bought her her birthday gift.  I realized I've spent my entire life scouring everywhere trying to find her a perfect birthday gift, as she's super picky.  So her physical therapist told her that she needs a "grab bar" that's permanently mounted in the shower (instead of her suction cup ones).  So today, I bought her one.  Happy Birthday ma!  For Christmas you're getting diapers! (jk)  And when it comes in a couple days, I'll install it and say "That's your early birthday present!  Isn't it cool?"  And if she bitches or says in a shitty way "thanks a lot" (her usual response to things she doesn't approve of), I'll just say "Well, you 'gave' me a kitchen appliance I was going to replace anyways because it's for household use that I paid for, so I guess we're even."  Just kidding.  I am not that bold. 

Here's the deal: my mother can't go shopping in person.  She also can't remember how Amazon works anymore.  She kind of knows how to use Walmart online, but she has no idea how to pay for things on any site anymore at all.  I have to do most of that for her.  She could do it all a year ago.  Hell, she could do it all in December.  But since then, she's gone downhill and fast.  I think it was the rehab home that did it.  When you take someone with dementia and put them somewhere they don't recognize, it triggers a downward spiral in their dementia.  That happened with my grandmother when my mother renovated the house after my father died.  She didn't recognize the kitchen anymore and down she went.  They do usually level off at some point, only to go downward again later.  My grandmother died a year after my father did, so she never really did level out.  

So I get it, she can't go out and get me gifts anymore.  I am fine with that.  I don't even expect her to buy anyone anything at all.  If she remembers it's someone's birthday, it's all that matters.  But here's the deal: my mother makes everyone's birthday 100% about her.  For years on end, she decided that we all would go out to eat together for our birthdays, her treat (including her birthday, which is a week before mine).  She knows I hate eating in restaurants.  And think that's 100% why she forced us to start this tradition to begin with.  She wanted to show me that I don't matter (and she wanted to do her favorite thing on your birthday, to show everyone that nobody matters but her).  I mean, this has been going on since I've been a little kid.  But after I had kids of my own and got remarried, she then decided it was something we'd all do for every single birthday.  And if we said "This year, you're coming with us instead" she'd always say no.  Every single fucking time.  You know why?  Because if she pays?  She gets to choose where we eat.  And if she gets to choose, that means she's in control of your birthday.  Once, like four or five years ago, my hubby chose where we went for his birthday dinner (Famous Dave's).  And she was in a horrible mood, screaming and yelling and even yelled at my husband while he was driving because he didn't turn where she wanted him to in the parking lot.  And the next day she said "From now on?  I CHOOSE where we go!!"  I said "Well, no thank you then.  We're done.  Please don't take us out ever again."  And that was the last time we went out to dinner with her.  

Last year, she tried to ruin my youngest son's birthday by getting mad about what he chose to eat.  She pouted and threw a fit about what we got, even though it wasn't her fucking birthday.  But that's it.  Your birthday IS her birthday.  All birthdays are her birthday.  And her birthday is also her birthday.  She tries to dominate and control every thing and everyone at all times.  Which is why I hide from her so much, because she makes every single situation, from what show you're watching or game your playing or conversation you're having or whatever, about her.  She will try to control, dominate, and take over.  If she can't, she'll leave (usually angrily, but not always).  If you're planing plants, she will tell you everything you're doing is either wrong or she just tries to dominate what you're doing by taking over.  If she's not in control, she doesn't want to take part of whatever it is.  And if all the attention is not put on her, she will not participate either.  

Which explains why all my birthday parties as a little kid were all about her and my dad wrecking them with their drunken antics.  Or like my 16th, when they planned NOTHING and I just stayed home and watched TV all night. 

I fucking hate my birthday.  And now?  I hate it even more that she lives with us.  I know she will try to ruin it.  And even if she doesn't, I have such animosity about it, I will just do a good job of being in a bad mood on my own anyways.  And I don't want to be.  That's not fair to me, my hubby, or my kids.  And I was getting better.  For so many years on end I could not enjoy my birthdays.  And then I realized why, and I got better and stopped torturing my family about trying to make my birthdays awesome.  I got better and learned to enjoy them.  But now I live with Satan and I have no choice but to deal with her bullshit, which I fear is going to make me hate my birthday again.

I think this year I'm getting a babysitter for her and I'm taking my family out.  I'm not sure if my oldest son can get off, if not then we'll do something on the weekend instead, but still she will need a babysitter because I don't want her around and she can't stay home alone.  But then I'll have to deal with her when I get home and I'll stress out about it the entire time, so I just don't know.  We'll see what we'll do.  I just know that my mother will have ZERO to do with planning a damn thing.  Unlike last year, when she bullied my family into agreeing for her to get me a clothesline, even though they told her I didn't want it.  It's still in the garage, btw LOL  In all reality, I kind of don't want to do anything at all.  I think I'd be less stressed out.  I'd rather just chill out all weekend at home and work on my garden and watch some movies (like "Big Trouble in Little China" and "The Big Lebowski" and other movies we love).  Oh and eat some cake with cool whip as frosting, because YUM! 

My birthdays have always been filled with stress (like in 2006 when I called the cops on her for hitting me).  So I really need to see this from a side of "destress" rather than the side of "oh it's my birthday, let's do something fun!"  I need relaxing and simple.  Mostly because I live with the person who stresses me out the most.  

And my birthdays shouldn't be about her giving gifts to me anymore. Because my mother uses gifts as a way to control others (ask my kids about the time she was mad at my oldest when he was 16 and gave him a $10 RC car for xmas, and gave his brother, her favorite, over $100 in toys--I returned ALL the gifts and split the money between the kids).  So I will just say she didn't buy me anything at all this year.  And I'm good with it.  I'd rather get nothing than let her control me with some sort of asshole controlling gift for her to take something I bought for kitchen use and let her claim it as her gift to me (I literally didn't use that damn blender for two entire years due to why she bought it for me, so I'll be damned if I'll let her ruin something else for me).  

Anyways, I got a new pressure cooker from Best Buy today (free shipping/delivery!).  It was $50 and it's huge (and nonstick).  And it works great.  But I bought it because the old one broke and I bought it so I can cook for my family.  It's not "mine", it's ours.  Not my mother's, mind you.  But my family's.  And she didn't have squat to do with it.  And it wasn't a birthday gift.  It's just something we own.  Like our washer and dryer.  Or our fridge.  

It's not even my birthday yet, and I'm already stressing about it.  But like I said, I'll just plan to have a chill birthday, and not let her try to take it over or do anything stupid with it. 

Sigh.