First of all, apologies to this cat.  I am sure this cat is nicer than my mother.  That being said, remember when I told you that she's only apologized twice in 20 years?  And how the the last time she apologized was because she hit me in the face because I told her to stop calling me a pervert child molester?  And then the very next day she was back at it, making fun of me for calling the cops on her and whatnot and went right back to being her repulsive self?  

Well?  The same thing happened this time.  No, she didn't call me a pervert child molester (you can read about that here), but she did use her apology as a way to get things from me.  

She's obsessed with fixing up our house.  Like BIG fixes.  Like things we do not need, like a new picture window or a deck out back (I am already making something for us to use to sit on out back, but I don't ever tell her my plans, because she will either a) take over whatever it is I'm doing or b) tell me it's stupid).  She even went as far to call contractors to put in a new window, even though she has ZERO access to that kind of money.  For some reason, even though I've explained to her a bunch of times that she does not make financial decisions for her money anymore (besides the $200 a month allowance I give her), she still thinks she has say so as to how it's spent.  And I've told her that her money is allotted for anyways, with savings and whatnot.  So I think she's thinking she has a say so as to how our savings is spent LOL  Good god.  

So, as I mentioned, right after she got done crying to me about how she's sorry for being so mean to me all the time, she immediately asked me for $200 worth of plants.  Sigh.  I agreed, but that's her April allowance.  So she's already spent it and I know she's going to want more stuff this month.  It's really irritating that she doesn't understand how this money thing works: she buys the frivolous stuff she wants with her allowance, which are her wants; I buy what she needs with her money, like meds, her cigarettes (gross, not a "need" but but whatever), food, etc.  For some reason she's forgotten that she needs to help pay for groceries.  She was used to us paying for all of them for almost a year.  We lost our grocery money, due to our financial circumstances, so we can't foot that bill anymore.  

Yes, she has dementia.  I know this, but also know, this is how she acted before, too.  

So, then the next day rolls around and she corners us (Mr. Brooks and I) and says "Okay, so let's just to the picture window, it'll only be like $500.  I've already talked to contractors about it."  I said "Again?  I thought I already told you no the last time you said you talked to contractors?"  In fact, I deleted all their emails from her account and removed her from the "home advisor" mailing list.  And then I said "There is no way a window that takes up our entire wall will only be $500."  She then went on some nonsensical tirade about how much it'll cost, as though she KNOWS anything.  This is her MO.  She always pretends she knows exactly what the answers are to things she knows absolutely nothing about.  It's her thing.  

So I just kept saying "That's too expensive.  And we don't need it."  And she got pissed again with me.  I said "Well, I am sorry you're angry.  I said no.  That's the end of it."  And she said all snarly "I'm not mad."  I said "Well, good then." And we left.  

Then yesterday I specifically told her not to walk where my son dropped the ham juice all over the floor (like ALL the juice from our ham) because she WILL fall.  She's a fall risk and anyone on a wet floor could fall.  Unlike anyone else, my mother cannot catch herself and gets seriously hurt when she falls.  So she did it anyways.  And then threw some paper towels on the floor and started scooting around with her feet on them, like she was dancing.  I got pissed and repeated what I said the other day "Why am I even here if you can't listen to me?  If I can't stop you from trying to hurt yourself, then why am I even here?"  She got cocky with me, but I would not back down.  She eventually got upset and was quiet for awhile afterwards.  But she makes these stupid decisions daily, doing exactly what I say not to, like some kind of little kid.  She's not my fucking child.  I didn't adopt her, I didn't ask for this, nor did I birth that crazy woman.  I did not ask for a third child.  So if she won't listen to me, then there is no choice but to pawn her off on someone who she will have no choice but to listen to.  

Now, the floor thing wasn't that big of a deal, but we JUST had a conversation about her behavior and how she doesn't listen to me AND SHE APOLOGIZED FOR IT.  Why am I surprised though?  This is what she does.  

In all reality, I am not even all that upset.  Not really.  What actually pissed me off yesterday was her treatment of my oldest son.  He happened to be the one who told her he'd help her cook.  And I knew, and warned him (though he already knew, too) that she will get a hair up her ass and will be mean to him all day.  Because that's what she does when he cooks.  She's a total asshole to him.  And yesterday was no different.  I heard her scream from the kitchen "GIT YOUR ASS IN HERE!" and not even in a joking way.  Who talks to people like that?  Geezus.  He's an adult and hates when I tell her she's being mean, so I keep quiet, but it eats me up inside.  I hate that she thinks she can get away with anything. 

Right now she's slamming dishes around in the kitchen to let me know she's in the kitchen and she's hungry.  She can eat leftovers and knows this.  I've been avoiding her because of yesterday.  Whenever this happens, I get stressed out, because I cannot stand people being rude to my family, so I need some days off away from her.  So I chill out in my room and do fun stuff, like rearrange my bookshelf, watch some "Spinning Out" on Netflix (reminds me of when I used to ice skate), worked more in my name book (I write fiction and I always need names, so I pause TV shows and movies when they're done and write down every single name I can use--half is for first names and half for last), and now I'm blogging.  Oh and I've doing research for another project I'm working on and later, I will start revising my short story (it's like 50 pages long, so it's longer than "short"---actually I didn't work on this at all, instead I played Final Fantasy 7 Remake for a bit and hung out with my kids until I had to pick Mr. Brooks from work).  So when I take time off from her, I always have something to do.  

We all had leftovers for dinner and while my son was getting his (my oldest), I had already gotten mine and was in the living room setting up my video game.  I hate eating in the kitchen with her at the table (from years and years of abuse at the kitchen table which is why I have such eating aversions--which led me to a 2 year bout of anorexia in high school--some tendencies I still have today) so I will turn on a video game to make it look like I have a reason to for not eating with her...though that game is pretty fun, so it's a good reason LOL  Anyways, so my son's getting his food and my mom is standing over him screaming at him that he's taking too much food and eating too much.  FOR SOME FUCKING REASON she thinks she owns holiday leftovers.  AND, he is the ONLY person she will yell at for eating them.  Had it been my youngest, my husband or myself?  She wouldn't have said shit.  But for some reason she thinks she owns my son.  

So I yelled "WOW, YOU'RE BEING REALLY RUDE!"  And then she switched her voice to her stupid "sing-song" voice and acted like she was kidding.  Then she yelled at him again and I said "YOU NEED TO BE QUIET AND LEAVE HIM ALONE!"  And again, she put on her "jokey" voice and continued.  My kids don't like it when I scream at her when she's being rude to them, but she was already being horrendous to him the day before and I told him just how much it bothers me and he relayed it also bothered him, so he didn't mind yesterday when I yelled at her.

We used to eat dinner together every single night.  But then she would say stupid shit like "I can't believe you scarfed that down so fast!  Wow!"  or "God, are you already done?  You shoveled all that into your mouth already?"  So I would say "THAT'S RUDE TO SAY, MA!" and the kids would get annoyed with me.  I mean, I get it.  They don't like confrontation.  They are like me, I won't defend myself.  But let her be rude to someone else in the house and they'll step up and tell her to shush, just as I will.  Although I don't think they feel that surging rush of pure rage when I hear someone fucking with my kids.  I know that embarrasses them, so I learned to hold it back.  But I used to feel that whenever my parents would be rude to my friends, too.  I hate that my parents always thought (and mother still thinks) they can do whatever they fucking want to, whenever they want to and to whomever they want to.  It's not right.  And it pisses me off.  But I contain it.  I just say the minimal that needs to be said until she shuts the fuck up and we can go on with our day.  

But I'm telling you right now?  She's never cooking another holiday dinner again.  Period.  She didn't even pay for it, I did, so for her to get huffy and puffy about who's eating what and when?  It's not for her to say.  But it's not like anything will ever stop her as long as she's the person cooking it.   And the only reason she cooked it was because it was a turkey.  So there we have it, I am never buying a turkey again, because I don't cook turkeys. 

So she's still hopped up on some kind of power trip, thinking she can tell people what to do and do whatever she likes.  Apparently my argument with her had ZERO effect.  Oh well.  At least I got to say some choice words to her that I've been wanting to say for a very, very long time.  So that felt good.  It was a small catharsis.  A tiny one, but one nonetheless.  One that I desperately needed.   She told me "Get off that idea of me guilting you!"  I screamed back "Why?  When that's what you're so good at!  You've done nothing but guilt me for every little thing for my entire life, so it's not like anything is new here, ma."  Damn that felt good to say.  I know she didn't "hear" me.  I know she didn't care.  I know she will not remember I said it or take it into her being and change or feel bad about it.  I know this.  But it doesn't fucking matter.  Because I got to say it.  And sometimes, that's good enough.  

She's at the doctor with my hubby right now.  She's stopped bothering me about going with her.  She used to get ANGRY when I didn't go.  So I always had a huge panic attack beforehand and literally would think myself into a migraine just so I could tell her "I have a migraine, I can't go."  Now, I don't have to feel anything at all, other than relief of knowing she won't be anywhere near me for a couple hours.  #relaxedasfuck

So I'm sitting outside, listening to my idiot dogs barking like mad (I love them so much, but damn, they bark at any little thing...which is a huge reason I hate living in neighborhoods) and it's over 70 degrees out and slightly windy and gorgeous and it's wonderful.  Even if later sucks, right now is great.  Even with the freaking barking (I have four dogs, btw...one is a Pomeranian and is the loudest).  Because there is no grating smoker's voice coming from a short old woman in her 70's bitching about a damn thing.  At least not here.  Poor Mr. Brooks.  I hope she's playing nice for him today.  

Okay, time to go make my hubby's and son's lunches for work today.  And enjoy the time I have left until she gets back.