I should blame myself for this.  And I do.  I feel stupid for even being upset over this because it's pretty much my own fault for giving in to her.  But there is only so much guilting you can take from someone, only so many fits you can stand watching her throw, and only so much bullshit you can tolerate.  Because mother has been asking to go to buy some flowers for many weeks now.  She is obsessed with planting and gardening and yardwork.  Which is fine.  It's a hobby and I get it.  Growing up, we always had a big garden (never blocked off, so all of our veggies were covered in dog piss, yum).  And she always had several flower gardens, which were very pretty.  She always has, and still has, a knack for planting.  Which also means she takes over any gardening that you want to do, too.  Last summer was a fucking bitch trying to have my veggie garden.  She even got so mad at me for thinking I knew better than her, that she killed half of it on purpose...just as she did my flowers I had planted, too.  I always have a veggie garden.  I have for years.  But since she had one back when I was a kid, she thought she knew better than me, as though I knew nothing at all, even though I grew all my plants from seed and she buys hers at the store (no problem with either, but I obviously also know what I am doing). 

Here are my mother's hobbies: drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, accumulating cats and not taking care of them properly, planting, and buying shoes.  Before 2010, you could also add "drinking beer" to that list, which she drank as much as she drank her coffee.  She also loves to talk in baby voices, hillbilly voices, making various sounds like a total loon, and pretending she knows everything, when in fact, she knows pretty much nothing.  As a teen, you think your parents know jack shit.  But my parents really did and still know jack shit, so my teen belief that I was smarter than them was justified.  Hell, I was probably smarter than both of them put together when I was seven (and that's not a testament to my intelligence, but rather to a lack of theirs). 

After mumsie came home from her stay at the rehab facility after a few months in the beginning of this year, I completely took over her finances.  And I took over the house.  Whereas before she left, she acted like sole owner of our house, and I was relegated to my room.  I didn't even feel like I live here, that I was just taking a really long visit in a place that wasn't mine in the least (even though I do all the cooking, all the laundry, pay all the bills, and all that jazz).  So I took over and even filled the house with new furniture while she was gone.  Dick move, I know.  But how else would I ever, ever feel like this was my family's house, too?  Not only that, we all have had some major issues moving in with things breaking (for one, our basement stairs) and who is stuck footing the bill because there is ZERO savings?  Me and my hubby, that's who.  And she a few times tried to argue with me about paying me back.  So I said that's it, we're done.  After some very shitty and strange purchases on her part for the past year prior, plus her blowing all her money each month on various bullshit (and I mean bullshit), I decided that she's on a budget and cannot be trusted to make financial decisions anymore (especially considering she a--stopped paying on her life insurance because she would go under in her bank constantly and b--she stopped paying car insurance for at least six months due to the same reason) and I put her ass on a strict budget.  She gets a certain amount of spending money each month to buy whatever bullshit she wants (and it's a lot of money for one person) and the rest goes towards bills and savings and paying off her insanely high credit card she maxed out.  And if she needs things like soap, underwear/socks, etc (needs, not wants), that will come out of her other money that would normally go into savings.  I buy all those things for her, as she's not allowed to go to the store and buy groceries or necessities because she goes hog wild and spends all her money. 

So, she ran her money down to $80 for this month.  For some reason she's been buying all sorts of things lately (which is why I don't take her shopping much, she will spent all her money for the month in ONE DAY if I let her).  She goes through cycles of this.  This spending spree crap.  Though, I have to say, she's been through one long cycle of that for many years, until I put her on a budget and stopped letting her go shopping (and stopped letting her drive last year).  She's never been on a budget and now she is, and she hates it.  So much so, she thinks that I will automatically buy her shit if she doesn't have enough money.  And sometimes I do, but most of the time I say no.  And she throws a temper tantrum.

I've been telling her all month since she spent most of her money that she only has $80 left.  But she gave me a list of all the flowers she wanted to buy online.  They equaled almost $150.  I said "Well, you don't have the money for this.  Why don't we go to the flower shop instead?"  I think that's what she was trying to get me to do anyways by showing me that list.  And of course, I fell for it.  Anyways, we go to the flower shop, and she runs off by herself and my husband and son went looking for her.  She showed them what she wanted and loaded up her cart, they didn't see the prices.  I saw the shrubs she was buying and knew they were at least $50 a piece.  And sure enough, I was right.  I marched up to her and said "You only have $80.  You were told that this morning.  Those plants in your cart are $150!"  She said "Well, I get paid in three days."  I said yes, but right now, I have to pay for your crap out of my account in order to get them.  She put her mopey face and guilted me, which worked and I said fine, but it's coming out of next month's money.  Which is silly because that's a HUGE amount of money to spend on plants for any month!  

So I pay for them (I also got a bunch of veggie plants that equaled $25 in total for myself, since some of my veggies I planted from seed died).  And then I come home and we have a good day for the rest of the day.  Fun, right?  I get up this morning, and go to transfer her $80 to my account to help pay for her shrubs I paid for her (she keeps buying shrubs on purpose because she wants to show me that we're staying in this house forever, which we are not...and that really, really makes her mad, so she keeps planting things that we'll never enjoy because we'll be gone from here by the time they are full size-which is so freaking dumb, but you can't tell her anything, because she will do whatever she likes just to prove SHE has control) and what do you think I found when I opened our bank app?

Her money was practically gone.  She has a $80 credit from Spring Hill because she bought rose bushes that immediately died upon planting.  She said yesterday she REFUSES to buy plants anymore online because of that.  I said we'll you'll lose $80 then!  And those roses were from the last time I spent almost $200 on her plants out of my money because she didn't have the money last time, either.  (again, my fault, I know this--but that came after her huge meltdown of 2020--there is always one each year--where she flipped the fuck out and then cried profusely about it, and then begged me to buy her plants for her...what a manipulation, but I fell for it...like always).  And I check her bank account and see she bought two more plants online (not where she has her credit, though, of course) and she bought FOUR magazine subscriptions.  What in the hell?  

Sigh.  So obviously I should have got in the car yesterday after leaving the flower shop and immediately put that money in our bank account rather than waiting a day.  She knew that money was supposed to go to us to pay for her plants.  And she spent it anyways.  

She wasn't even grateful I did it, either.  Upon purchasing her plants, my son said "look at this plant, it's super neat!" and she replied in a shitty voice and rolled her eyes "your mother won't let me buy those!" He wasn't even asking her buy them, he was telling her look at them, because they were cool (for real, they were cool).   

I just hope I satiated the beast for a bit that she doesn't have another meltdown next month because she spent so much money this month that next month her budget is only $40.  Whoops!  

Oh and she was trying to get me to go to the grocery store a couple weeks ago because they had some rocking chair on sale and she wanted me to buy it for her.  For $50!  hahaha yeah I said no to that (for many reasons).  

For real, she has ZERO idea of how to budget her money.  ZERO.  When I was a kid, we were pretty well off (though we lived like paupers) and she would refuse to pay our electric bill until they sent us a pink disconnection notice...all because she spent all their money on beer and cigarettes back then (speaking of her cancer sticks, her spending money doesn't even cover her two carton a month addiction).  

ARGH.  I have enough to worry about budgeting OUR money, paying all the bills, and running my own family's household without having to worry about her bullshit tantrums and whatnot when I don't live up to her standards (she never usually says thank you when I do nice things for her, so why do I do nice things for her?).  I am just biding my time until Shady Pines becomes an option.  

Which I hope is: 

Let's hope she doesn't ask me for the rest of the summer to get anymore fucking plants!  Though, now she wants to buy shoes.  She has seven pairs already! Imma go through her closet and take all her shoes down and tell her to get rid of all the rest of her shoes if she wants more.  Because I have two pairs of shoes (same shoes): one for mowing and one for everything else and a broken pair of sandals.  That's it!  No 74 year old who doesn't like fashion needs seven god damned pairs of shoes LOL  (back when I was in my early 20's, I had seven pairs of shoes...they were sexy and awesome, but I am old now and I have TWO! LOL).  And I would not care if she wanted to buy $20 shoes.  But she wants to buy $100 shoes or $150 shoes, several times a year!  Again, nobody needs that many orthopedic shoes!  

Anyways, we'll see what her next meltdown will be about.  And before you think she's having meltdowns because I changed our house and her life so much, realize, she's been doing this for YEARS before any of that happened.  None of her fits are really about any of that.  They are just a part of who she is.  Always has been.  If she's awake, she'll be complaining or bitching or stomping her feet or whining or being rude to someone.  

Again.  Shady Pines will be when I can feel normal again.  Sigh. 

So I wrote an article about IFS the other day, which you can find here (<~~click) and as I said in that post, we all have these "parts" to us that develop out of CPTSD and other life experiences.  Not all parts are born from negativity, though, some are introspective, understanding, nurturing, etc.  But all are there to protect us and help us stay safe, even the worst ones that get us into the most amounts of trouble.  Today, I realized, I have a "fixer" part.  Which is represented by this card here: 

Today this part emerged, because yesterday, at the last second, my mother asked to hop a ride to the store with us.  We were hurrying, as my husband had to be at work soon after.  We politely said "tomorrow", to her request to go buy fake flowers and stuff for my father's grave for Memorial Day.  I bought the flowers and stuff while we were out, so we didn't have to take an extra trip today.  And besides, he's my father, I should be able to sometimes buy his grave decorations.  So I woke up, we got ready to go to the cemetery and told my mom "Hey, let's go to the cemetery, I already bought everything."  She was leery, but said okay (at first she said no, but I was going with or without her).  We get there, the ground is way to hard to put the flowers in, so I said I'd come back for that, but I put everything else up.  A flag, a red/white/blue pinwheel, and a hanging sign that said "I Heart America" (my dad was super patriotic).  And we left.  On our way home, she says, "Okay, now where?"  I was like "Uhhh home.  We have no masks."  She said "You said you'd take me to get flowers."  I said "No I never said that.  And you never asked."  She said "Yes, that was what we planned!"  

Dementia, y'all.  I can finally see her dementia peeking through our everyday lives.  It's been bad the last few weeks.  And getting worse all the time.  

She didn't speak a word the rest of the way home and refused to come inside and instead sat on our front porch for over an hour.  

So, on the way home, I tried to enjoy the country scenery.  It's a cloudy and nice day out and we live out in the country and I wanted to just really look as we drove home (you know how you sort of look at everything as a passenger, but you don't really look?).  I was trying not to think about how upset she was.  But everything was tinged with her disappointment and anger.  I went to the bathroom as soon as we got home and immediately, without realizing it, I went into "fixer mode".  

Here was my thought process:  "I could do something nice for her to make her happy.  I could offer to do something.  I could clean something.  I could, well, I have no idea.  There is nothing I can really do.  And besides, when I do anything for her, she doesn't like it anyways, so why try?  Wait...what in the holy fuck am I thinking right now?  Why am I trying to please her?  Why am I trying to fix her bad mood?  Wow.  I didn't realize how much I do this!"  Because when I feel this way, I get this same feeling in the pit of my stomach and have since childhood.  I take on her feelings as my own and think "How can I make her happy?  How can I show her I am not the dumbass she thinks I am?"  

The other day, I came to the realization just how much take on other people's feelings.  How I feel responsible for their happiness.  How I have this innate need to help everyone and overextend myself and feel bad when I can't.  I feel bad because they feel bad.  So I immediately stopped this cycle of thinking, that I needed to fix her bad mood and said to myself "She's allowed to be in a bad mood."  And even if she thinks it's my fault, I knew it wasn't.  I never said we were going to buy plants today.  Plus, my hubby had an appointment with a famous person (for real..he did LOL, he takes voice lessons from a professional singer) soon after our cemetery visit, so we couldn't take her to get plants anyways.  

I realized two things today: 1) I have a fixer part...that little girl (even though the card isn't a little girl) who used to vacuum the entire house before mommy got home from the store so she'd be happy with me...that way she wouldn't come home and yell at me or be angry with me for some made up reason.  And 2) her irritation with me is only going to get stronger as the dementia progresses.  Today was her dementia thinking something in her head and thinking it was real.  I never said we'd go to the store to get plants today.  And she swears I did.  She also swears I told her I'd take care of her when she's immobile and/or sick (never ever would I tell her that).  There have been other days where she's been angry with me for saying we'd do something and I never said we'd do it.  And recently, I got into it with her about planting stupid ass plants in stupid ass places and I told her "You literally took over the ENTIRE yard and I am not allowed to plant anything anywhere.  You even got mad at me last summer for planting my lilac bushes where I did, because you wanted to plant something there.  You told me I should have asked you first!"  She swears she never said that, and even starting stamping her feet and screaming at me saying "I NEVER SAID THAT!"  And she certainly did say it.  But now I realize it's all her dementia.  Yes, narcissism plays a part.  But her dementia literally makes her brain like mush.  She doesn't remember a lot of things or remembers everything wrong (even long term memory stuff...though not all).  

So with that, I can take her anger outbursts and pity parties and temper tantrums and everything else not personally.  I DO NOT NEED TO FIX THEM!  It's not my job.  She's allowed to be angry.  She's allowed to sulk.  She's allowed to be pissy.  I do not have to pull her energy into my being and make it a part of my own.  I don't do that with my kids.  If my kids are angry, I just let it roll off my back.  And sure enough, after sulking on the front porch for an hour, she's fine now.  I didn't have to do anything at all to make her better.  She did it herself.  So that "fixer part" of me can just go hang out and do something else LOL  

Without these cards, though, I never would have recognized this.  I never would have realized this part of me existed.  Even though I've felt it a thousand times.

The cards are Inner Active cards and you can go to their website here to find them.  They ship fast, too!  So check them out and see what you come up with :) 

I know my blog used to be about healing.  That was before we moved in with her.  And now it's all about my personal experiences with her, once again, like it was in the beginning.  And I know I lost readers due to this.  And that's okay.  People need to take what they need from bloggers and leave the rest, because isn't that what we're here for?  To connect with those who need to hear what we have to say?  And if people don't need to hear about my personal experiences, then that's not what they need right now.  And I'm cool with that.

But I need to write about it (I suggest you do it, too).  I need an outlet for what I'm going through in order to heal and move forward in life.  Yes, I have a tendency to complain a lot.  I know this.  But this is a type of therapy for me.  My actual therapist is a cross between a nice guy and an idiot.  Rude, I know.  But sometimes he makes me want to scream.  And today??  He was the voice in my head when my mother said something rude to me and made me feel bad (I went out of my way to buy her her favorite cereal and other stuff and she only complained I didn't buy her any raisins--something the store I was at didn't have).  He was that little negative voice that said "Why do you even care?  Why did you think she was going to be nice to you about anything?"  Because that's the type of shit he says to me when this kind of stuff happens!  I don't find that very understanding.  Or therapist-like to say.  And this is round two.  Round one was last year and eventually I got so angry at him with the way he treated me, I stopped talking to him.  And then I went back to him a few months ago because I hadn't had a therapist since and I am applying for social security and he was confused as to why they were calling him so he called me to ask me why (really?  what a dumbass).  Sigh.  

Anyways, I've been working on stuff for the past year.  Like a LOT of stuff (all the while dealing with her).  I've been trying to open an online store (which is NOT going well, as the store will have handmade items and I have nowhere in my house to make them).  I've been writing my main memoir, as well as a few others (which IS going well, but I'm super overwhelmed with editing).  I've been writing various stories to go in my short story book (my hubby and I are both writers).  I've been creating content for my many blogs: I have a Buddhist blog, mental health blog, tarot blog, and others).  I created my own tarot deck (though just the majors, not the minors yet).  Right now I'm working on a guided journal/workbook for daughters of narc mothers.  Though I haven't even started my book yet that I created my survey for (if you filled out the survey, know I have ADHD and it's hard to have so much going on at once).  And I built my store website, as well as my author website for my memoir, so both are ready to go when they open.  So I am always busy.

Though, I haven't done much art (which, up until a year ago, was a HUGE part of my life), but I do have a list of  all the paintings I want to eventually make.  

Oh, and I am taking a therapeutic life coaching certification course as well as a Buddhist course, and hypnotism courses.  Not really needed, but I thought they'd expand my knowledge enough to help more readers get more of what I write.  

So while I was doing tons of research for my articles and books and whatnot, I came across something interesting.  Which I found kind of amazing, since I thought I invented it.  Let me start off by saying that I am fascinated by psychology (in case you couldn't tell already).  I've always found it fascinating and taught myself how to spot a liar at a young age based on shit people do whey they lie.  Now that I am in my forties, I can pretty much spot a liar right away (not always, but usually).  Then in high school, for some reason they offered psychology as a class, so I immediately signed up and got nothing but straight A's (and I am certainly not an A student...but when something interests me, I can breeze through it pretty easily--like in college how I took a transcription course and did the entire thing at home before school started and showed up with all the work done for the entire semester on the first day LOL).  I took more psych classes in college, but I dropped out because I hated all my other classes LOL (funny, they made me take remedial English, yet here I am, getting paid as a writer LOL). 

I didn't stop learning though.  I researched and taught myself all I could from any book I could find and eventually the internet became a thing and then my learning became boundless.  I studied hypnotism and anything else I could get my hands on.  I learn more about body language and spotting liars (since my world seemed to be full of them).  I learned about sociopathy/psychopathy.  I learned about mental illnesses and how to fix them (mainly my own: anxiety).  I immersed myself in anything that taught me how the human brain worked and why it worked the way it did.  Psychology, like science is ever-evolving as more is discovered.  So I am never bored.  And I'm always coming up with my theories and whatnot, even though I know sometimes I am dead wrong, because I am just a fan and not a licensed psychologist.  Though if I am ever dead wrong, I relearn what I need to know so I know better in the future.  I know more than the average person about psychology, but not more than those who have degrees (though some, I may argue, who have degrees also know as much as I do, if not less LOL--but that could just be my perception).   

Anyways, so I saw this documentary about DID.  It was a recent one and I found the subject of the show on social media and struck up some conversations with her.  I shared with her how her show really made me realize that DID is not only real, but we ALL have those personalities in our heads, but in those with DID, they are separated into different people.  Whereas with everyone else, they're all integrated.  Now, I don't think that every person who claims to have DID has it (because not all people who claim to have cancer have it--I know this from personal experience).  But it all made sense to me, because I could recognize these "personalities" within myself.  And when I share my thoughts with my husband, he realized the same thing, that he had them too.  And then I started to ask others, and they all said "Yeah, wow, you're right, I never thought of that, but I have them, too!"  I was like whoah, I'm on to something here!  We can use these personalities (personas, selves, etc.) as a way to recognize our bullshit when it's happening and tell them to stop.  This was amazing!

And then by accident, I came across IFS.  And to find out, not only did I NOT invent this, it's an actual branch of psychology!  Ha!  

IFS stands for "internal family systems" (why it's called that, I kind of don't get it, but I guess it's because your selves are a part of one big family?) and it's all about how your different "parts" are made to protect you.  There's some great books out there on it, and the one I am reading right now is called "Self Therapy" by Jay Earle and it seems to be a pretty down to earth explanation of how it all works.  But you can also go to https://ifs-institute.com which also will give you a ton of information about how it all works.  

So here's a small breakdown of the IFS model: 

• We aren't just one mind, as previously thought.  We have our main self (which is not a part), and then many parts/selves which are helpers to the main self.  
• Each part/self is a part of our mind that was developed to protect us from pain or hurt (from a past pain or hurt and these "parts" were built so that pain doesn't happen again).  
• The parts can be beneficial or detrimental to our well-being.  
• All parts want to protect us.  But some choose detrimental ways to do that, because those parts don't know how else to protect us (some choose drugs/alcohol or being rude or destructive, etc.)
• Our parts were mostly created from painful experiences.  So we have managers, who manage our pain.  Firefighters (or call them what you wish) who want to extinguish pain in any way possible, and exiles, who are kept hidden because they carry so much pain that we hide them so we don't have to access them.  
• IFS states we can get to know our parts and by doing so, we can heal them.  Even the exiles.  

Now, this is a basic overview of IFS, so I suggest you do your own reading and research to learn more, but if you sit down with yourself and identify some of your "parts/selves", you'll see that what I am saying here can pretty much work for anyone.  Here is a short list of some of my parts: 

• The irritated one
• The over reactive to sadness one (rejection sensitive dysphoria)
• The anxious one (I have many anxious ones)
• The perfectionist one
• The self-hating one
• The misanthrope
  
• The not-good-enough one
• The introspective one
• The loving one
• The hopeful one
• The understanding one

You could say "I am understanding, loving, and self-hating, but that doesn't make them different parts".  But rather than thinking of them as personalities, you could think about it as "different parts of me".  That really what it means.  Someone with DID usually fractures into different parts due to really bad trauma before the age of six.  The rest of us stay intact.  So when we say "parts", think of them as "parts to your personality".  When we come from a place of CPTSD (meaning complex PTSD, which comes from being in a state of abuse for many years...which we all have), our "parts of our personalities" act out in ways we don't want them to in order to protect us from retraumatizing ourselves with pain and hurt.  So we become seen as "messed up" or even assholes.  We keep fucking up and don't know why.  We want to change, but we can't seem to.  We blame our mothers and fathers, and while the abuse is what started it all, our "parts" are really to blame why we still act in ways we shouldn't in life.  So in order to heal our bullshit, we need to heal those parts that our parents created in us.  We don't need to heal our relationships with mom and dad or even fully understand them (their parts are protecting them, which is why they do the things they do, but since they have zero ability to change, we don't need to engage in that).  Instead, we need to heal us.   

And I thinks IFS just may do that.  Well, at least for me I think it can.  I mean, it couldn't do a worse job than my therapist is, so there's that.  

So go visit some websites and read some books and see what you think.  I ordered a deck of these Inner Active Cards also, so I'll share them on here after I get them.  My therapist just gives me advice like "This is your life Shay!  Time to live it!"  And shit like that.  Is this therapy or is does he think he's Zig Ziglar?  And now that I have REAL health insurance, I'm going to have start paying him for his mantra-style advice!  Good god, no thanks.  So I'll try this IFS therapy and see what happens.  Like I said, it can't be worse than Ziggy the Therapist.  

Oh, let me give an example of this guy: 

I was relating him a story last Thursday about how I have always treated my anxiety (which I have severely) about how I will PUSH and PUSH and PUSH through my anxiety in order to get to the other side.  I grew up doing this because I had NO choice.  So earlier that day, I was on a suspension bridge with my dog.  I am horribly afraid of certain bridges over water, but this was a small foot bridge and decided to just run over it.  And I did.  "Sometimes the only way out is through" I said to him.  And in certain situations, this is true.  I had no choice but to keep running over the bridge, otherwise I'd get dizzy and possibly fall off.  And I knew if I did over and over again, eventually, my brain would calm the fuck down and I'd be able to go over it normally.  This is exposure therapy.  Now, my way of doing it is a bit extreme, but I don't have time in my life to fuck around with shit, so I decided to run.  Anyways, my point was that in life, not everything is a fucking bridge.  And I've learned in my old age that some experiences are worth taking time with.  And some aren't worth doing at all.  And I don't have to treat every little thing in life as a bridge to run over.  Sometimes it's okay to just expose myself little by little to my fears, to take time and let my brain catch up (or, if you're into IFS, the part that is freaking out) before putting it into freak out mode and just enduring it at any cost, which is how my entire childhood was.  Good point, right?

Nope.  Ziggy the Dumb-Dumb I think was not even listening to me and heard I said I was afraid of bridges and turned our entire session into my fear of bridges.  "Start with standing in the bathtub over water and see how you feel."  I said I am not afraid of water in the bathtub, Ziggy.  He said "Okay, then start on the side of the river".  I said I am not afraid of the river, Ziggy.  And then he went on and on and on about the bridge and then he acted all satisfied with himself (per usual) about his ability to help me get over my fear of heights over water.  Sigh.  Fucking dumbass.  I was talking about my anxiety METAPHORICALLY and had he been listening, he's have known that.  The bridge was my visual example of what my point was.  ARRGGGHHH.

I seriously think that was my last session with him.  Though maybe this time I will actually tell him why.  I fear confronting people, though.  Ugh.  We'll see.  Though I don't want to pay him for his stupid mantras and judgement (like once, he practically yelled at me for letting my mother hurt my feelings). 

Anyways, I'm going to try IFS and see if that works better.  If you don't feel comfortable doing it on your own, you can seek out a therapist that uses IFS if you want to try it, too.  But I'll be sharing things here as I go, so maybe we can get this blog back to healing rather than just my personal rantings?  (but there will be those, too LOL)

My mother only loves or likes being around me when she doesn't have someone better.  When my father was alive, he was that person.  And when her second husband was alive, he was that person.  When he was around, I didn't exist.  When I was around when he was there, I was a nuisance.  She always has chose everyone over me.  When she had nobody else, I was her BFF.  We'd laugh sometimes until our sides hurt. There was always an underlying judgement, though.  I just had to say the wrong thing, something she could judge me for and she'd stop and give me "that look".  Oops, took it too far.  So I was never completely safe with her.  But she'd reel me in with promises of love and fun and happiness and "girl talk" and whatever.  And in the next moment, let someone else call and ask her to hang out and off she went.  The next door neighbor would call her over and she'd say "I'm going over there, you stay here.  I need time away from you."  She didn't want me to invade on her "me time".  She treated me like I was her package deal, but then when she got someone else better to be with, she was a package of one.  She created a codependency with her this way.  I was strung along for as long as it suited her.  And left behind when it also suited her.  

If she was alone, she lured me in to be her cohort.  She only chose to leave me behind over someone else.  Even though she bragged about being in the "peace and quiet" (she'd put her finger to her lips, close her eyes and say "Do you hear that?  That's what I crave.").  But she's the loudest person I know.  I actually crave peace a quiet, but she's always yakking her mouth.  

Now she can't understand why I choose myself over her.  This just boggles her mind.  So she makes up reasons as to why I love being alone (I do not love being alone, btw, I love being without her...I would always pick my kids or hubby over alone time, being alone usually gives me anxiety--but I will chose that over being with her any moment of the day).  She pretends I am always sleeping.  Or maybe I'm depressed?  I mean, nobody could fathom being alone without being depressed, right?  

She is depressed.  She is alone a lot.  And she HATES it.  The other day, what I talked about in my last post, about her being the phone, she said where I could hear her (and she knew I could hear her) "I miss everyone over there, I sometimes look around here and wonder why I did this" meaning choosing to live here with us.  And I know why she said it.  She's got hardly anyone to talk to.  But back in her old house she complained about having too many people to talk to.  She hated it.  But she did go from one extreme to another.  I mean, not at first.  This has been gradual, me backing off and retreating to my own space.  But she caused it.  At first, I felt like this was my house.  Then, pretty quickly, I realized I was a guest in my own home and the only place I had any sort of privacy at all, was in my own room.  So I quickly went from hanging out wherever I liked to being pushed into a box.  And now, it's my safe space.  And I do all my work in here.  

Anyways, as I was saying though, she hates being alone and cannot fathom that I enjoy being alone more than I enjoy listening to her nonsense (do this, do that, why don't you do this, why don't you do that, you could do this, you could do that, etc. etc. etc.--it's CONSTANT!).  And now she's regretting moving here.  Well, welcome to the club, crazy old woman.  I've been regretting this for a long, long time. Though I will say, my dogs are loving their half acre fenced in yard to run in.  So I am glad they have that, rather than living in a second-floor apartment building with a dangerous flight of stairs for them to run up and down fifty times a day.  

So before when we first moved in, my husband, Mr. Brooks, worked a great schedule.  3 days on, four days off, four days on, three days off.  He was an ambulance dispatcher and his hours were freaking amazing!  And she was used to me and him hanging out on those days (even though she always tried to monopolize his time, because, as we joke, she treats him like he's her husband, not mine).  Then he was laid off for six months due to the pandemic, and we were always together.  But now that he works 2nd shift and is gone all day, she thinks I should be hanging out with her at dinner and doing all this stuff for her and she can't fathom what I do in my room all damn day.  

And I always, always feel guilty about it.  But I am just so freaking angry that I do what I need to do for her, and most of the time, I do not take it any further.  Sometimes I do.  And sometimes it's okay.  But most of the time I instantly regret it.  She will use any niceness from me as an "in" to get something she wants that we can't afford or that we don't want to do or whatever.  It's nothing she needs, it's just busywork she wants, because she loves to control everyone's time around her.  "I hate asking for help!" And she won't.  She will hurt herself before she asks for help (which is what she does so she can yell at you later for not helping her--which is why I have to keep an eye on her).  But she sure will boss you around and tell you do some busywork.  

Though as I sit here and think about all the years she rejected me with her time and her love and whatever, I wonder why I feel guilty.  I don't like she's sad about being alone so much.  But she does have friends she can call on the phone.  Hell, they can come visit if they want (but they don't).  But I am not her entertainer.  I am not put on this earth for her to be entertained.  She sees me that way.  She see us all that way.  She will walk into a room while we're watching a movie (quite regularly) and start being super loud and talking to us without asking us first to pause it, knowing she's monopolizing our time even though our time is already being spent doing something else.  She does this daily (when we have the TV on).  She can't just say "Oh excuse me" or anything like that.  She's just all "BLAH BLAH BLAH" and we have to pause it and say "What, we couldn't hear you because we were listening to our movie."  Sometimes it'll make her angry and she'll leave.  Sometimes she'll just keep talking or act like she didn't know we were watching something (which is insane, because we have surround sound and it's pretty loud).  

But she wouldn't want me right right if she had a better offer on the table.  If her old friend Horny Skeletor was here or one of my idiot cousins or a neighbor.  She could care less what I did with my time if she had other people to entertain her.  But she doesn't, so she's depressed, and I'm made to feel like it's my fault.  But then again, I'm letting myself take the blame, even though I do not owe her one damn thing.  She's lucky I am here cooking for her every single day and doing her laundry and doling out her pills, etc.  She's lucky I ever spoke to her again.  But she doesn't see it that way.  She still thinks all people are here to entertain her and when we don't, we must not be doing anything interesting with our time because people who like being alone must be insane!  

Today, she came into the house from the back.  I was busy peeing.  Not in the back, but in one of our bathrooms and I could hear her bitching at my kids.  She was complaining there was a single bowl in the sink that wasn't washed out.  They were watching something on TV together and she was interrupting and they were ignoring her.  My oldest answered "Okay grandma" and she kept on and I tried to make myself stop peeing so I could tell her to hush, but I finished and heard her saying "See?  This is all you have to do!  Just turn the faucet on and pour water into it!" and she was doing what she said.  So I yelled "Ma, shut the water off!  Mr. Brooks is in the shower!"  And he was, that was no lie, but then she said "Oh no!" and went to her room because she felt stupid for having bitched at the kids (adults) for not washing something out when they couldn't.  And all day, she ignored everyone.  Which was okay.  But still, it's like, she can have normal conversations (mostly) because I hear her talking to my idiot cousins or her friends and she talks like a semi-normal person (as normal as you can get for someone who wants to control the other person on the phone).  But to us, it's always do this, do that, why didn't you do this, why didn't you do that, now I'm using my baby voice, now I'm talking like a person with a southern accent, now I'm meowing like a cat, etc. etc. etc.  She's legit insane.  And she wonders why we avoid her as much as we can.  

I am studying about IFS (internal family systems) right now.  It's a branch of psychology that's different than traditional psychology that to me, makes way more sense than anything (though it all makes sense to me, I love psychology) I've read before.  And I get that this stupid shit she does are all coping mechanisms meant to protect her.  And I get that NPD is just a cluster of really really stupid coping mechanisms also meant to protect the person doing it (even though they hurt others while doing so) due to a break in their maturity level (which seems to be due to their brains being fucked while developing before they were born).  Like they can't mature past a certain level and so rather than acting like an adult, they act like little toddlers and schoolchildren and are literally stuck with the brain of a child in the bodies and life experiences of an adult (in her case, a really old adult).  So I get it.  

But that doesn't mean that I can deal with this bullshit on a daily basis.  I didn't have three children.  I gave birth to two kids.  That's all I signed up for.  Your parent is not supposed to act like this.  Your parent is supposed to be a grown up.  But how many grown ups do we really know?  I don't know many.  So I get this isn't just her problem.  And I get that most adults have ZERO idea of how to be real adults.  And I get that NPD is rampant in our world.  Which is why I don't really have friends and don't really push myself to seek out any.  So me hiding out in my room most days (or in the garden) is me seeking fucking peace in a world full of chaos.  And I know she feels bad and I wish I could make her feel better, but at the same time, when she feels better, guess what?  She's mean.  She's cruel.  She's terrible.  When she feels good, she picks on me.  So in order for me to feel good, she has to feel bad.  Or in order for her to feel good, I have to feel bad.  But when I feel good, I feel bad, because I know it makes her feel bad.  So no matter what, I lose.

What kind of fucked up shit is that? 

Though, when I choose my own happiness, at least I get more happiness than when I choose hers.  

I am dreading my birthday.  It's coming and she's prolly gonna fuck it up, like she always does.  But this time I am not expecting to have her be on her best behavior.  So I won't be let down by her.  I will expect her to be bad.  So if she's good, I will be surprised.  But then again, I'll probably just be annoyed anyways, like usual, because thinking about her being stupid puts me in a bad mood.  

Which is SO not fair to my family (or me).  So maybe I'll just expect good to happen and put myself in a good mindset and even if she does something bad, I'll just ignore it.  I can do that.  I've done it before.  I'm no spring chicken, so I need all the good birthdays I can get! LOL  

So, my entire point is, I am choosing my own happiness.  I am not here to entertain the child that is my mother.  She has lived a life full of conversations and other people and drinking until the sun comes up and partying and doing whatever she likes, whenever she likes, usually without me.  So why now is it my responsibility to make her life entertaining?  I am hoping she will get so sick of living here she'll ask me to go into assisted living so she can have friends.  And I will gladly put her there.  Not just for me (though it would be grand for me), but so she can continue having the life she's accustomed to.  

So we'll see what the future brings, but at the same time, I will be taking charge as much as I can by saving as much money as we can as well as building my business and keeping on creating things to make my family the money we need to move forward in life.  Rather than just thinking about her toxic behavior.  Also, I will be asking her friend to stop by regularly so they can sit outside and chat.  In fact, I'm going to call her now and see if she will.  

In this pandemic, it's been all on me and my hubby to take care of ALL her needs.  And now I need to call in some outside help because I cannot heal and move forward in life if she's always miserable and moping around the house and screaming at me (like she's been doing all week).  

It's a sort of win for both of us.  At least for now, until ma gets sick of her LOL

Good lord.  I almost got sucked back in, y'all.  I almost let myself get sucked right back into her stupid drama.  

It's been so long since I've dealt with her triangulation and games she plays everyone.  And today, for the first time since we moved in, she started it back up.  And guess why?  

My birthday is in a week.  

She always, always, always ruins my birthdays.  Or at least tries to.  Eventually she turned on the kids and my husband, and tried to ruin their birthdays, too.  But mine, is always on her radar.  Her birthday was yesterday.  And we celebrated on Sunday.  And instead of being happy about it, she complained "I thought today was Mother's Day?"  I kept saying over and over again "Ma, we each have a birthday this week, we don't need two days celebrating us."  She kept whining about it.  Even though I bought her her favorite cake.  Even though I got her balloons, cards, and a huge bag full of gifts she wanted.  Even though I made her a special dinner (she wanted to order food from a restaurant that we can't afford).  She always complains whenever I do anything for her that it's not good enough or what she wants.  

The next day (yesterday), there were three pieces of cake left.  And she was angry that the kids "ate all her cake and only left her a little bit".  Three damn pieces wasn't enough for her.  She also complained that the kids left an horrendous mess in the kitchen "just for her to clean up".  Her exact words were "Happy Birthday to me." in a flat and angry tone.  I got super annoyed and said "Why on earth would you take offense to them leaving some cans on the kitchen counter as a direct offense to on your birthday?  Obviously they didn't leave it for you to clean up."  She replied "Didn't they?"  

Sigh. 

So today I had a sleep attack (I think I have POTS, which would explain all my symptoms and why I feel like shit regularly) and I had to lay down and my husband was leaving for work and told my mother "Hey, I'm leaving for work, let Shay sleep, she's napping".  And so she waits until he's gone and gets on the phone and starts being really, really LOUD.  I woke up twice hearing her yell (not sure what she was yelling about).  And then she goes out front and starts talking really, really loudly, too.  And this time, it was about us.  Meaning my husband and me.  And about how she hates living here.  Right by my open window.

What in the holy hell.  

And then kept lowering her voice and turning away so I couldn't hear her saying something and then coming back and raising her voice again so I could hear her and then would say something about us so I could clearly hear.  So I marched out of my room and got the other handset to see who she was talking to.  And it wasn't her normal friend.  It was the friend she doesn't like.  The one I have never even met, so I couldn't call and see what they were talking about.  But I still had my cell in my hand after her call ended, waiting to call her BFF (my old friend) since she'd talked to her twice today already (which was unusual, since they never talk that much anymore).  So I wanted to see what was up.  It sounded as though she was planning something with this other friend and I wanted to see if her BFF knew something about it.  

But then I stared at my phone and said "What the fuck am I doing?"  I got all worked up, pissed off, I had that deep feeling of anger inside of me that makes my heart pound real fast...the one that started when I was really little and my mother used to talk shit about me to my father and I'd hide in the basement and listen to all the crap they said about me.  Then I continued this behavior, feeling that deep anger while listening her to talk to others about me, throughout my childhood into adulthood, because my mother was always, always, ALWAYS talking shit about me to someone (or sending emails or letters shittalking me to someone else).  

And then we moved here a year ago, and I didn't have to do that anymore.  I mean, I still listened sometimes out of habit, but she stopped this behavior I got used her not talking shit about me and eventually I stopped.  For the first time (other than when I went no contact with her) in my entire life, I didn't have to check her emails to see what she planning behind my back or read the shit she was talking about me or even care about anything she said to her friends or our family.  It was glorious.  In fact, I forgot what it felt like.  Which is a good thing.  And now, she's back doing it again.  

I guess her not having any narcissistic supply is really wearing on her.  

Yesterday, I told Mr. Brooks (my hubby) "Watch out.  She's going to try something.  She always does.  My birthday is coming up and she always gets riled up and pulls some shit."  And lookie.  

And I fucking fell for it.  

Why?  Why do I care?  Why do I for one second give a squatty shit about her "secret plans" (if there even is any) or about her talking about my family?  It's just habit.  There is zero to care about.  

So I looked at my phone and laughed.  I fell for her drama again.  But this time, I caught myself.  I didn't call her BFF.  I didn't get sucked back in.  I just did for a moment.  

That's progress, right?  LOL  

Damn.  I literally almost called her BFF and got a whole thing going about it.  Silly me.  Actually, I feel like a total dumbass.  But I also feel great about not calling, too.  So the good outweighs the bad in this one.  

Even though I am no longer angry, I am sad.  I thought that even though I knew she hadn't changed, that this part of our lives was over.  That I'd be free of this shit.  Looks like I'm not.  But this is a lesson in letting go.  Leaving this trigger behind because it truly doesn't matter what she does or says behind my back.  And now I am in a position to call her out on it, if I need to, whereas never in my life before have I ever been able to ever confront her about it.  

Well, for now, I don't even have to think about it.   Unless she brings it up.  Then I'll confront her.  How annoying this all is.  Sigh.