Good lord.  I almost got sucked back in, y'all.  I almost let myself get sucked right back into her stupid drama.  

It's been so long since I've dealt with her triangulation and games she plays everyone.  And today, for the first time since we moved in, she started it back up.  And guess why?  

My birthday is in a week.  

She always, always, always ruins my birthdays.  Or at least tries to.  Eventually she turned on the kids and my husband, and tried to ruin their birthdays, too.  But mine, is always on her radar.  Her birthday was yesterday.  And we celebrated on Sunday.  And instead of being happy about it, she complained "I thought today was Mother's Day?"  I kept saying over and over again "Ma, we each have a birthday this week, we don't need two days celebrating us."  She kept whining about it.  Even though I bought her her favorite cake.  Even though I got her balloons, cards, and a huge bag full of gifts she wanted.  Even though I made her a special dinner (she wanted to order food from a restaurant that we can't afford).  She always complains whenever I do anything for her that it's not good enough or what she wants.  

The next day (yesterday), there were three pieces of cake left.  And she was angry that the kids "ate all her cake and only left her a little bit".  Three damn pieces wasn't enough for her.  She also complained that the kids left an horrendous mess in the kitchen "just for her to clean up".  Her exact words were "Happy Birthday to me." in a flat and angry tone.  I got super annoyed and said "Why on earth would you take offense to them leaving some cans on the kitchen counter as a direct offense to on your birthday?  Obviously they didn't leave it for you to clean up."  She replied "Didn't they?"  

Sigh. 

So today I had a sleep attack (I think I have POTS, which would explain all my symptoms and why I feel like shit regularly) and I had to lay down and my husband was leaving for work and told my mother "Hey, I'm leaving for work, let Shay sleep, she's napping".  And so she waits until he's gone and gets on the phone and starts being really, really LOUD.  I woke up twice hearing her yell (not sure what she was yelling about).  And then she goes out front and starts talking really, really loudly, too.  And this time, it was about us.  Meaning my husband and me.  And about how she hates living here.  Right by my open window.

What in the holy hell.  

And then kept lowering her voice and turning away so I couldn't hear her saying something and then coming back and raising her voice again so I could hear her and then would say something about us so I could clearly hear.  So I marched out of my room and got the other handset to see who she was talking to.  And it wasn't her normal friend.  It was the friend she doesn't like.  The one I have never even met, so I couldn't call and see what they were talking about.  But I still had my cell in my hand after her call ended, waiting to call her BFF (my old friend) since she'd talked to her twice today already (which was unusual, since they never talk that much anymore).  So I wanted to see what was up.  It sounded as though she was planning something with this other friend and I wanted to see if her BFF knew something about it.  

But then I stared at my phone and said "What the fuck am I doing?"  I got all worked up, pissed off, I had that deep feeling of anger inside of me that makes my heart pound real fast...the one that started when I was really little and my mother used to talk shit about me to my father and I'd hide in the basement and listen to all the crap they said about me.  Then I continued this behavior, feeling that deep anger while listening her to talk to others about me, throughout my childhood into adulthood, because my mother was always, always, ALWAYS talking shit about me to someone (or sending emails or letters shittalking me to someone else).  

And then we moved here a year ago, and I didn't have to do that anymore.  I mean, I still listened sometimes out of habit, but she stopped this behavior I got used her not talking shit about me and eventually I stopped.  For the first time (other than when I went no contact with her) in my entire life, I didn't have to check her emails to see what she planning behind my back or read the shit she was talking about me or even care about anything she said to her friends or our family.  It was glorious.  In fact, I forgot what it felt like.  Which is a good thing.  And now, she's back doing it again.  

I guess her not having any narcissistic supply is really wearing on her.  

Yesterday, I told Mr. Brooks (my hubby) "Watch out.  She's going to try something.  She always does.  My birthday is coming up and she always gets riled up and pulls some shit."  And lookie.  

And I fucking fell for it.  

Why?  Why do I care?  Why do I for one second give a squatty shit about her "secret plans" (if there even is any) or about her talking about my family?  It's just habit.  There is zero to care about.  

So I looked at my phone and laughed.  I fell for her drama again.  But this time, I caught myself.  I didn't call her BFF.  I didn't get sucked back in.  I just did for a moment.  

That's progress, right?  LOL  

Damn.  I literally almost called her BFF and got a whole thing going about it.  Silly me.  Actually, I feel like a total dumbass.  But I also feel great about not calling, too.  So the good outweighs the bad in this one.  

Even though I am no longer angry, I am sad.  I thought that even though I knew she hadn't changed, that this part of our lives was over.  That I'd be free of this shit.  Looks like I'm not.  But this is a lesson in letting go.  Leaving this trigger behind because it truly doesn't matter what she does or says behind my back.  And now I am in a position to call her out on it, if I need to, whereas never in my life before have I ever been able to ever confront her about it.  

Well, for now, I don't even have to think about it.   Unless she brings it up.  Then I'll confront her.  How annoying this all is.  Sigh.