Today I went to the bathroom as Mr. Brooks stood outside the door to wait to use the shower.  And then mother yelled "Oh Mr. Brooks, I have to talk to you guys!"  Oh no.  Usually when mother has to "talk" to us, it's some ultimatum, threat, stupid idea, or something else equally as asinine or rude.  Once she sat us down to "talk" about getting the keys back to her car, even though she drove down the middle of the road into oncoming traffic every single time she'd get on the road.  Once she sat us down to "talk" about why I went no contact with her and also to remind me that the only reason my father drank so much was because I was a bad teenager, and he had to put up with me (I did not let her get away with saying that one, by the way).  Or another time she had a talk with me and my oldest son about what an "irresponsible loser" she thought he was and how he'd have to pay to get her window fixed if someone broke into it, all because his wallet had fell out of his pocket and was on the seat.  I didn't let her get away with that one, either.  The list goes on and on, about her "talks".  Each one is filled with something more insane or stupid or cruel than the last.  And it was right before my husband had to go to work, so he didn't have time to listen to her bullshit.  

So I go pee, I run the water, I flush, I look through the closet, and was all around wasting time because I could hear her right outside the door waiting for me to get out of the bathroom and I knew she was just waiting to "have a conversation" with us.  Like, right almost up against the door.  My poor husband was there, waiting to shower, holding all his clothes, and she still had it up her ass she needed to tell us something, right there in the middle of the hallway. 

So I opened the door and BAM!  She's in my face, and I recoil, thinking good grief, what's she going to say now?  So I do what I always have done when she starts in on one of her rants, I tune her the fuck out.  So I squeeze past her into the hallway, and walk into the kitchen and she starts yelling "WAIT!  You need to hear this!"  I said I can hear you fine, ma, I am only a few feet away (I was getting lotion for my hands).  So she starts to tell us her story.  

"I got up this morning, oh it must have been around three and I see the cat on the counter.  And I think to myself, what is he even doing?  And I look, and you know what he was doing?  He was eating bacon!"  

Um.  Huh?  This was what she wanted to talk to us about so badly?  This is what was worth standing outside the goddamned bathroom door for and taking up all the hallway space?

 "Then, I go to let the cats out and I think 'I better have coffee for this' and I opened the microwave and do you know what I found?" 

"More bacon?"  

"No!  I found an entire pound of sausage someone left in there." 

"Oh yea, oops, I forgot that.  Oh well.  It's garbage now."  

"Well, then I let the cats out and I see the neighbor cat run out of nowhere chasing one of our cats and I get a broom and literally run into the yard and I'm screaming 'Get the fuck outta here you little asshole!' and I found myself in the dark in the middle of the yard in my pajamas and slippers!"  

"So, you decided to not put shoes on and run through a yard without support, in the dark?  Are you freaking kidding me?"

"Well, someone had to chase that cat away!"  

I sighed.  "That's what the hose is for, ma.  You are insistent on breaking your bones.  So what would you have done had you fallen and not been able to get up?  It was the middle of the night and we were all asleep.  Do I have to check the backyard now when I get up to pee?"  

Like I've said before, she's a fall risk.  She's unsteady on her feet.  And she's stubborn as fuck and does whatever she wants, even though she knows she's not supposed to do it (she actually does these things on purpose because she loves to brag about doing stupid things).

So this is what her "talk" was about.  You'd think all of this was dementia, but it's not.  The first thing about the cat eating bacon is that when she was in rehab, I stopped feeding her cat wet food.  My mother used to buy over $100 of wet food for her cats each month and feed them at least a can each daily, plus he was allowed to eat half her dinner (which always pissed me off as I paid for food for HUMANS, and I paid for catfood for CATS).  Well, her one cat used to barf it all up, like several times a day.  This went on a for a freaking year before I became in charge.  So I saw how much he actually pukes (like a LOT), so I just quit feeding all of them.  And, he stopped barfing.  Wow.  I am like a rocket scientist or something  So now, she gets on my case if any food is left out at night, blaming me that either he will puke again, or that he has puked again.  She found a way to turn it around on me, even though she was at fault for over a year doing it to him to begin with.  

And last night, I didn't realize there a bacon on the counter.  

The second part was to make me feel stupid for wasting a pound of sausage, even though she doesn't pay for any food in the house.  She said it in a real shitty tone of voice, as though I was a moron for leaving it in the microwave.  

The third thing was about how she loves to brag about being a badass and to get me angry, knowing damn well she's not supposed to walking in the yard without support (much less running).  That's it.  

We assumed her "talk" was going to be something demanding, or pushy, or rude.  She loves to stir shit up when she's bored.  But this was all about scolding us, shaming me, and bragging.  Which I guess all were meant to stir shit up, but I found them silly instead and didn't really respond too much about any of it.

The idea she made such a huge deal about it all, now that could have been her dementia.  She's been pretty loopy lately, saying all sorts of things that make zero sense.  But as she was talking to us, my oldest son kept walking up to us and she screamed at him to "shut his mouth" and "go away".  I was so confused by her saying that to him, that I almost made her stop speaking so I could ask.  

But then he pulls me aside and says "She tripped on the hose in the backyard and doesn't want me to tell you."  Ohhhhhhhh, now it makes sense.  She thinks my kids keep secrets from me LOL  For her!  HA! How adorable is that?  

Well, yeah, I can't do anything about her running half-naked into the dark in the middle of the night.  She's not far enough gone for me to start locking the doors yet.  So what can I do?  

What would have happened had she fallen and been stuck out there until we woke up?  She's be in a home, that's what.  I refuse to take care of her the minute she starts putting her life in jeopardy like that.  I hope last night made her learn her lesson, but I highly doubt it.  My mother is the queen of doing what she wants, which makes it so hard to be her caregiver. 

Sigh.