(Know that the below words are written for me to remember later, when I need to again...it's long and rambling and full of she said/she said stuff, but read it if you want to see how stupid narcissists can be when they argue.)

Today was the day I've been waiting for for many years.  Since 2013 and even before.  Since my teenage years!  Holy shit, you guys (I say you guys as though anyone is reading this LOL), wow.  Yesterday I had an elephant on my chest.  I was worried at first, but I knew it must be stress.  It was there when I woke up today, too.  I knew that what had happened yesterday was going to be turning point, but for what?  I didn't know how to fix it or how to go about doing anything at all.  I knew I wanted to leave this place.  This house of angry ghosts.  I even priced some rental properties last night.  But I also knew that running away wasn't going to solve a damn thing.  

Today I woke up and for a moment, I felt better.   But then I remembered what she did yesterday and really quickly, my mood went to complete and total shit.  I felt lost again.  I didn't know what to do.  I started worrying so much my stomach started to hurt.  So I looked at my hubby and said "Let's go donate those books, because right now it's the only thing we can do."  See, I am cleaning out the basement with Mr. Brooks' help.  We are literally trying to purge everything we own.  A) because I hate everything being a mess.  B) I want to live a more minimalistic lifestyle.  C) there will be less to move when we do leave here.  D) if there is a tornado, or something, mother can go in the basement without seeing a bunch of boxes everywhere.  And E) my mother's stuff is stuff she doesn't like or need, and wants to hang onto it for no reason.  So I am doing everyone a favor and donating everything we can.  I am starting with a huge amount of my books.  

It's all a part of our "disaster plan".  Meaning if she goes in a home or if there's a real disaster, we will have less stuff to lose.  And I just plain want to be able to use the basement, and all the boxes of crap everywhere is stuffing it all up.  

So we start to leave to go donate our books.  As we go walking out the door she stops me and said says...wait, let's back up.  Yesterday I heard her on the phone and her BFF accused me of committing elder abuse on my mother, because my mother told her I was.  Her BFF (who used to be my fucking friend) also said some other horrible bullshit about me, but mostly my issue was that.  I am so lucky her idiot friend didn't call the police on me.  Or tell someone else this as they may have. 

So my mother stops me today and says "I was talking to Christmas (her BFF) on the phone yesterday" and I rolled my eyes and said "yeah" in a real shitty voice.  I couldn't help it.  I was so very, very angry.  She proceeds with "Well, anyways, she said you got your first covid shot".  I sighed.  I stepped back into the hallway and said "yeah, I forgot."  "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.  And I flipped a fucking gasket.  

I am not an angry person.  Well, yes I am.  I mean, I am an annoyed person.  I get annoyed by her a lot.  I bitch about her a lot.  But it's only because that shit adds up over time.  And I never, ever confront her.  Because when I do, I get shaky and I turn red.  I hate feeling like that.  But today?  I only got a tiny bit sweaty.  And I never, ever yell at her.  I am not an irate person like that.  She yells at me (and stomps her feet) a lot.  When she does this, I keep my tone even, because I do not need to be the loudest in the room to make my fucking point.  But she does.  She thinks if she screams something at me that it will make it more believable (or she thinks it will make me shut up).  It never does.  Instead it makes her look stupid.  But she does it anyways, because that's her way.  Even over tiny stuff.  

So I was in my room and I walked back out and said "Just so you know, that when you're on the phone?  I can hear both you and whoever you're talking to if you're near me.  Like last month when you were right by my window telling Christmas I was an irate lunatic and would not let you hire someone to mow our lawn and would get angry if you did."  She replies "You did get angry."  I said "Only because you never asked me to do it, you went behind my back, and talked shit about me to Christmas, and tried to hire someone without having any money to pay him with.  I can't be stuck paying someone if we don't have the money.  So I was angry you didn't ask me first and just went behind my back.  I wasn't angry he was going to mow the damn lawn."  

She then pretended it was no big deal I heard her phone call, stating "So what?"  So I said "Well, you told her I was committing elder abuse."  She denied and denied and denied it, and I kept saying "I heard you!  Stop lying!"  She tried to blame Christmas.  I said "Even if it was her fault, you didn't stand up for me and tell her she was wrong!  In fact, you agreed with her!"  And it wasn't Christmas's fault.  My mother had said to her first in a previous conversation.  She denied it some more, but I refused to back down and I screamed "BUT I FUCKING HEARD YOU!  I CAN'T TRUST YOU, EVER, IF ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS LIE TO ME!"  She had no response to that.

Then she tried to guilt me.  "I guess I'll just go in a home then."  I said "Why do you always jump to the craziest outermost idea you can think of?"  "Why did you move in with me then?  Tell me that!" she yelled.  I said "Because I thought you could be better.  I though you would be different.  I don't know why I thought that because you seem to be incapable of changing."  I think she was trying to get me to admit that I did it out of selfish need.  But she also agreed to move in with me, even though she hates me, to keep her from going into a home, which her doctor said had to happen if she didn't move in with a caretaker.  And I knew going into this that my mother would not change.  That she would always lie to me and about me.  But I never, ever, though she was capable of lying to her friends that I was abusing her.  

She told Christmas that I refused to let her leave the house, not even letting her go for walks.  I also refused to buy her anything she wanted or needed, and refused to give her any money.  All of that is total bullshit, of course, because I always buy her everything she ever asks for and I give her a generous allowance each month (she spent all her money in May, and then spent all of June's money at the end of May).  And I never said she can't go for walks, she's never once asked to go for one!  She can't go alone, per her physical therapist's orders (nor would she even want to), but she's never asked a single person in our house to take her for a walk.  So yesterday she told her friend that I bought her all her stuff she wants (like snacks and stuff) and her friend said "Oh, Shay's finally doing things for you then?"  And my mother replied "Yes."  She didn't correct her, leading her friend to believe I've never done it before, when I do it every fucking week for her!  

Sigh.  

So I brought up ever single thing about their conversation, and she denied all of it.  One thing I brought up was when she showed her therapist an angry letter I wrote Christmas (because C was playing both sides with us back when I was no contact and telling each other what the other said) and she showed it to my mother.  My mother then showed it to her therapist, who said "Wow, she sounds bipolar!"  Um, what?  I said one mean thing in how many years that makes me bipolar?  And how can she give me a diagnosis based upon my mother's side only?  And my mother told all her friends I was bipolar.  So I brought this up to her and she said "I never told anyone you were bipolar!"  I said "yes, you did, because your therapist said that".  She replied "Oh, I told them all my therapist said you must be bipolar, but I never told my friends myself that you were."  

This part right here?  Had my son in stitches downstairs, as you can hear right through the floor everything everyone says upstairs.  He said he couldn't stop laughing, because what is the fucking difference who it originated from, because she still told her friends that.  Derr. 

It reminds me of the time in 2013 she screamed at me "YOUR FATHER NEVER HIT YOU!!" and  I lowered my voice and said "He punched me in the face when I was seventeen, a week after he tried to punch me in the face and missed."  She said "Oh, yeah, well, he did that."  As if punching me in the face is a different type of thing than hitting me.  Like in her brain there's child abuse and then punching.  Two totally different things.

Off topic: I wish I could go back in time and one of the billion times when my father chased me around the house threatening to beat my ass, I wish I could just go back to one of those moments and just stand there and see what he would have actually done.  Fifty bux says he would have punched me long before I was seventeen.  Perhaps even before I was ten.

Anyways, I told her that talking about her daughter to her friends makes her a bad mother.  Only bad parents do that.  She widened her eyes at me and said "I don't know a single parent who doesn't do that."  Well, all her friends are drunks and drug addicts.  So, um, yeah.  I replied "That's because all your friends are horrible parents!"  She laughed at me.  I asked her "Well, ask me how many times I've badmouthed my kids to someone else.  Ask me.  Because the answer is zero.  Good parents don't want their friends to think bad things about their children.  That's not normal."  I then said her job as my mother is to defend me to her friends and others.  And that she's never done that in my life.  She replied "Yes I have!"  I said to who?  She said "Your father."  "He's been dead twenty years.  Try again."  "To Bev!" (our old next door neighbor).  "We haven't seen in her fifteen years.  So that's it?"  And that was all she could come up with.  

I said to her "90% of your conversation with Christmas was badmouthing me.  Is that what you two normally talk about?  What's wrong with you?  That's not okay.  I do not do that to you!"  Granted, I blog about her.  But I didn't say I didn't blog about her.  I said didn't have conversations with people outside our home about her.  And I don't.  So it wasn't really a lie.  I mean, I talk to my husband about her behavior, but I do NOT talk shit about her for no reason, like she does me.  

She said "Yes you do.  In all those letters to me."  I said "What?  You wrote me letters too.  Letters that were full of lies!"  She said her therapist read one of them.  I said there was no way her therapist read one, because I have all of them and have for many years,  She said "I will call her and ask her about it."  I said "Oh, you mean the letter I wrote to Christmas and she showed it to you?"  She nodded.  I said "Well, that's stupid.  That particular letter wasn't meant for your eyes.  And she shouldn't have showed it to you."  She said "Why?" with all the indignancy she could muster.  I said "Because I wrote it because I was pissed off.  That Christmas had been telling you everything I said when I asked her not to.  And she did it just to stir up shit between us.  Which is also the reason she showed you the letter.  But all you say was that I called you a piece of shit in that letter, and you carried that for a year and a half, running around calling yourself a piece of shit in order to get attention from your friends.  It was ridiculous.  And by the way, you've called me a helluva lot worse."  She replied "No I haven't."  I said "Oh, you and daddy used to call me a whore all the time."  She then put on her big girl voice and screamed "I HAVE NEVER (said in her haughty offended voice) CALLED YOU A WHORE!"  I laughed and said "Back when I was a teenager, they tested me for STDs, because the doc was an idiot because I had recurrent UTI's and he asked me if I was sexually active and I said yes, because I had a boyfriend for two years.  And he told you that I was sexually active.  And you went home and told daddy, and you both freaked the fuck out on me calling me a whore.  Not to mention the time you told all your friends I wasn't raped when I was fourteen because I was 'sleeping with everyone back then'".  

She denied she said that.  And I said I knew for a fact she said it.  She denied it again and said that Christmas is a loon who makes stuff up.  I said "You are the only person I know who makes stuff up and I will believe Christmas any day over you, because all you do is lie to me and always have."  She said she'd never have said that about me because she was raped, too!  I said I don't give a crap she was raped because when I told her I was raped, she ignored me.  She started to cry.  I said "So you're going to cry now?  Because I cried all day yesterday about what you and Christmas said about me.  So I guess you kind of deserve it."  And just like a light switch, she turned it off and quit crying.  Just.  Like.  That.  She turned it off. 

Fucking sociopath.  

The entire time she kept asking "What can I do?  Do you want to me to get down on my knees and beg forgiveness?"  All said in a shitty voice.  She said "sorry" like five times, but always yelling it and never meaning it.  She didn't take one ounce of responsibility for her behavior and did not admit to doing anything I knew she did.  I heard her.  I heard every fucking word.  I heard both of them.  And she wanted to blame it all on Christmas and then literally tried to act like nothing had happened.  

Like I just said: fucking sociopath.  

I yelled at her about 2013.  About my childhood.  About her current abuse.  She said to me "You never said you were sorry that you didn't talk to me for eighteen months!"  I got my growly voice on and said "That's because I am not sorry, and it was all your fucking fault!  You turned everyone against me!  You told all your neighbors that I was stealing your car from you!  You told them all I was being mean and horrible to you!  When in reality, you shouldn't have been driving, which is why I had your car!  You sit here and pretend you have no idea why B (our neighbor) hates me and my son and my husband, but it's because of YOU!  You turned him against us!  You turned them all against me and my family!  Why?  Because you were having one of your baby meltdowns because you couldn't get what you wanted from me?  I was so fucking sick and tired of your behavior that I had been dealing with for years on end, that I was just done!  You were never going to change!  So all of that?  Was on YOU!  It was 100% your fault!"  

Damn.  I've been waiting since 2018 to say that.  Phew.  In that moment, the elephant that had been on my chest the past few days just slid down to the floor and ran away.   Delicious sigh. 

And funny part is, she didn't change.  I just realized, that if she was doing this back then, she was always doing this.  Even when she was being nice to me.  She was always running smear campaigns about me.  Even when I thought we were happy, she was busy talking shit behind my back.  No wonder everyone hates me.  Now I finally get it.  

And while I feel like that elephant is gone and I feel freer than I ever have in my entire life, being able to say these things to her, I know that I still can't do this anymore.  I have to find a way out.  I have to build our credit and get the fuck out of here.  I need to finish purging all my belongings as much as I can and just take my family and go.  I will never be able to trust her again.  Because I know she will always be talking about me and spreading rumors behind my back.  

She blames Christmas for all of this.  But the thing is, while Christmas can suck my booty, she wouldn't be stirring up shit if my mother didn't have shit to stir up.  

And the fact both can be so fucking nice to my face yet say these things about me behind my back?  Geezus fucking christ.  Wow.  That's some next level sociopathic bullshit right there.  

She also told her that I would not allow my mother to go to her house because I would be afraid she'd go visit all the other neighbors.  She told that she asked me to go several times, but I always said no.  But she never once asked to go see her.  In fact, she hates going over there.  So that was just a made up bold-faced lie.  

She also said to Christmas that when she was in rehab she never wanted to come home because it was a "nice vacation from home".  She didn't exactly say that.  She said "I won't get this treatment at home!" But in reality, she was begging me to come home every freaking day.  But mostly because she wanted to smoke (she couldn't smoke there).  But also because all those people were wearing on her nerves.  But to them, she was telling them she wanted to stay because being at home sucked.  She's always playing both sides.  Telling everyone what they want to hear (though I didn't want her home, so she wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear LOL).  

So I had it out with her about it.  I knew something was going on.  I could feel it and sense it.  Not because of some metaphysical mumbo jumbo, but because of the way she whispered to C when she talked to her.  The way she acted towards me and all the stuff I heard her saying to C.  I just never knew it went as deep as it did.  Ugh.  But now all that horrible ugliness is out in the open.

And something else has changed, too.   Something in the way I see her and feel about her.  I no longer see her as any part innocent of her action.  I no longer think she's just misguided or making mistakes.  I see her for what she really is.  A sociopath with zero remorse for what she did and said.  And she'll do it again.  So, I do not trust her one bit.  And we are making plans to move the hell out of here ASAP, while she goes in assisted living.  Because this is not okay.  

What if C had called the cops?  Or, what if C had told someone else who called the cops?  Geezus.  I can't spend one more second here than I need to.  This is getting dangerous for us if she's going to be lying to people and saying I am holding her hostage in our home (apparently a lockdown during a pandemic qualifies as being held hostage).  And the scariest part she refused to apologize for saying that, because she said she didn't even say it (even though she kind of admitted it, on accident), and even though I heard her with my own ears.  

I think she expected to move in here and be the boss of us.  Not the other way around.  And now she's punishing me for taking care of her.  But then again, what else did I expect her to do?

The only thing my mother knows how to do is lie about me and her life.  The only thing I know how to do is tell the truth about her and my life.  And because the truth is so awful about her, she has to make up lies about me that equal or surpass what I say.  Granted, she has no idea I have a blog or am writing several (like, almost too many) memoirs about her.  She knows about my original two blog posts, which is where all of this started.  She knows about the fact I told everyone the truth after she melted down about those blog posts.  But that's it.  And that was over seven years ago.  So why she is still spreading lies about me?  And why are those lies probably ones of the worse things you could say about someone?  Especially your child?  

I am trying so hard right now to feel calm.  I want to lay down and cry and never stop because no matter what I do in life, it will be wrong.  I need to move out here.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't put up with being treated this way.  But I have to stay.  Because we have nowhere else to go.  

And the worst part is that her idiot friends believe her lies.  They believe I am capable of things she says about me.  I don't get that.  But then again, they're all one form of narcissist or another, so I kind of do get it.  Because it has nothing to do with me at all.  And everything to do with them.  Including mother.  

And I can't lay down and cry because it will give me a horrible migraine, the worst possible kind.  And she's not worth my fucking tears.  Or giving myself more pain.  

I hate these situations.  Where my family is stuck living with a narcissist (or in some kind of tangled web with one) with no escape.  So I need to change my outlook.  And work hard at getting my memoirs done so maybe, just maybe, we can get the fuck outta here.