No, that's not him.  That pic is from Unsplash.  Though he is around the right age as he is.

Anyways, good grief.  My birthfather is completely insane.  And I mean that in a loving way.  No I don't.  He's nuts.  And he's one of the biggest narcissists I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.  The funny part is, I had no idea who he was until 2017.  I found him through Ancestry.com, through a family member I was related to.  I always thought he was this one guy, who I even had contact with and kind of liked.  We talked a lot and we both assumed we were father and daughter.  Though he refused to get a DNA test with me.  So I found a relative of his on Ancestry.com, a cousin, and she said "Well, I will do one with you.  I will get a Ancestry DNA test and we'll see if we're related."  She didn't even know me!  And they aren't cheap, so I was so grateful she did that.  But as it turned out, we were not related.

At that point I was in contact with the guy's daughter, someone who he never wanted me to contact.  He had stopped talking to me out of the blue years prior and I said "I'll be damned if I won't get to know my brother and sister!" and found them on Facebook.  Turns out, his daughter had severe codependency on her mother (who is a HUGE narcissist), and his son was an outcast that the family hated (which made me feel for him, because I know what that feels like).  And she refused to give me a DNA test too.  So I wrote to her and said "Look, tell your father not to worry, his cousin did a DNA test and I found we are not related so now he can let this go."  In actuality I was a bit meaner, as I was beyond angry that he was dodging me the way he was.  And I really regret being mean, because a few weeks later, he died.  Yeah, I hope his daughter didn't tell him exactly what I said, that he was "too weak to stand up to his wife to see if he had an actual daughter" or something similar.  He was.  But still.  I didn't want him to die with that thought in his head.  Though I know he already knew it.  Then his wife died.  Geez.  They only got together because of me (long story--but my birthmother being pregnant with me is what got those two together) and now that I was not in the equation, they both died.  Yeah, I know I didn't cause it, but it was very odd timing. 

Anyways, so James Anderson was my father.  That's the name I always knew.  That's the name that was given to me, by both my birthmother and her ex-boyfriend.  Turns out, that wasn't his name at all.  I am not sure if "James" lied or her ex lied or if they all were just crazy mistaken, but it sure led me on a wild goose chase for a long time before finding out his real name.  

The really funny part is that when I found his brother?  He had an alias of "James Anderson", so I am assuming, that "James" and his brother were both using that name for some reason.  And I heard "James" was a dirty cop who stole shit from crime scenes and stored it at my birthmother's ex's house sometimes.  Which I wholeheartedly believe, as he's the type of crazy overt narcissist that reminds me of Donald Trump (not being political here--I am not really into politics, he's just a raging narcissist), but crazier.  After getting to know him, I would go as far to say that he would have most likely let women, uh, do things for him, to get out of speeding tickets.  Because he's a gigantic pervert, too.  

So I found a second cousin on Ancestry.com, he called his mother, he told her everything I knew about him, and she said "Oh yeah, that's my cousin.  That entire side of the family is filled with nothing but fucked-up con-artists."  Hahahaha, if I had only listened to her!  Turns out, she was right.  But that's how I found him.  I then found out his real name and wrote him a letter, he called me and tried to weasel his way into every second of my life and used my cousin and his other daughter to triangulate us all into his web of bullshit.  

He's also batshit insane, and has paranoid personality disorder and every conversation always devolves into one of his crazy rants.  So, after having enough, I stopped talking to him.  And every six months to a year, he will find a way to message me and ask me "I need to know if your mind is to not ever talk to me ever again."  That was his message two days ago.  But it's always variations of the same thing.  

So, I wrote him back, since it's been so long since I have.  Why?  I do not know.  He's horribly narcissistic (as was his con-artist father), and so very crazy.  Now, I am not mental health shaming him here.  If he wasn't narcissistic and didn't do what he did to me and my cousin and his other daughter, I would not call him names about it.  But combining those two things together, he's fucking nuts.  And having contact with him is inviting that crap right back into my life.  

So, my responses are careful.  And I am always really careful to insult him by being honest.  Meaning, I insult him in such a way that it becomes his choice to not speak to me, rather than mine (even though it is mine).  I say something that will piss him off, even though it's the damn truth.  So this time I responded "It's not that I am angry with you.  You're just a lot to handle.  I know you can't help it, but you bring so much drama with you.  I will have contact with you but text only and when you start devolving into your angry drama rants, I will take a break from you."  

See what I mean?  I am providing boundaries, which a narcissist DOES NOT LIKE, but at the same time pointing out the truth, which will also piss him off.  Oh, and he hates texting.  Like, hates it hates it.  So if I say "I will only text you", I know he won't want to talk to me.  And I am being honest.  If he were to obey the boundaries I set down, I would have contact with him.  I would also be honest with him when he says something I do not like, so I know that contact would not last very long.  I could just ignore him, but I feel sort of bad for this crazy old man who lives alone on a plot of land in the middle of the mountains who nobody likes.  So if it satiates whatever his need is for contacting me every once in awhile, sure.  But again, I have boundaries and while I let him TRAMPLE my boundaries before, I will never let him do that again.  And I know because of that, he will have no use for me.  Which is a good thing LOL 

If he gets angry and says something dumb to me (which he most likely will either do that or ignore me) I will say back "I am sorry you feel that way.  Have a good rest of your summer."  If he won't stop texting me, I will block him again for a few weeks.  I won't participate in his drama.  He's mentally ill and horribly narcissistic and doesn't hear or understand a word I say to him, so everything I've texted to him in the past has fallen on deaf ears.  So I don't engage.  

My husband thinks I am crazy for even responding to him.  And I agree.  But at the same time, he was this huge mystery for so much of my life, which I didn't find the answers to for over forty years.  So letting him go after only a few months of knowing him (though that was all it took) feels wrong.  Not that I want a relationship with him.  Not at all.  I just don't know what I want yet.  So I just keep giving him my boundaries, knowing he will not take them, and just let it be.  It's odd and strange, but right now, it works.  

At first, his other daughter and I were in this together, this journey with him.  But now we walk it separately.  She cut off all contact with him and moved far away.  And I have no idea why.  And I will never ask her.  That is her journey.  If she wants contact or doesn't want contact, that's fine.  It's not up to me, nor does it have anything to do with me.  It's better this way, I think.  That way we're not keeping anything from one another, or trying to tell the other person how to have a relationship with him, if we do at all.  I was the one who walked away from her, and at first, I felt bad about it.  But now I know it's for the best.  Her and I are polar opposites.  And I urged her to walk away from him back when we all were speaking, which wasn't right of me.  She deserved to have whatever relationship with him she wanted.  And I had to butt in, which made her pull back.  I know now that it was my own doing that caused a rift between us, but I also know that she is too much like him for me to be able to get along with.  Not that I am blaming her, we don't get to choose what DNA we inherit.  I feel weird, because personality wise, I am nothing like either of my birthparents.  I am more like the personality my own mother portrayed herself to be, even though deep down she really wasn't that way.  Nature vs. nurture.  It's strange to think how much the world around use influences us to be who we are.  But at the same time, sometimes none of it does.  People are so weird.  Being human is so weird.  So complicated and messy and strange.  

But here we are.  Being a weirdo writing blogs on the internet about all the other weirdos in our lives.  Fun.  

If he ever writes back (it's been days now), I will update this and post his reply.  Hopefully it'll be another six months to a year.  But you never know when you're talking to a narc what will happen next LOL