I am creating a household notebook (like a bullet journal) for everything I need to keep track of.  I have ADHD, as I may have said before, and I am the sole person who keeps track of everything in the house.  I am not complaining because it gives me the freedom to get shit done on my own schedule.  But, what if I got abducted by aliens or something?  What then?  How would anyone do anything around here?  And if they tried to find all the info they needed to do it all, they'd find a freaking mess.  Because that's how my brain works most of the time: it's a total mess.  So, since 2016, I've been on a mission to get organized.  I think perhaps it started before, but I do know in 2016 I picked my word of the year to be "simplicity".  And it's been my word ever since.  

Let me tell you, changing an ADHD brain isn't easy.  It's 2021 and I still struggle.  BUT, I do have many systems in place that help me and bullet journaling is one of them.  But now I am streamlining the bullet journal idea into a household notebook that only contains what we need to know about where we live, and how to to live better.  No extra stuff (that stuff will go into my old bullet journal that I turned into a commonplace journal).  

So, to get to the actual store, I am putting "House Rules" in my bujo, and recently I decided to implement a rule.  It's a rule I tried to implement as a child, but nobody ever listened to me.  But today, she has no choice but to listen to me.  And I felt like my inner child had a HUGE win because of it.  

See, my mother smokes.  As a kid, both my parents did.  And I asked them to sign my contract that stated "If I am in the room, you cannot come in after me and light up a cigarette until I leave.  If you are in the room first, I will leave if you want to smoke."  That was it.  They both signed it.  And then they both promptly laughed at me and lit up a cigarette.  Back then, they smoked in the house.  

Back when we moved above my mother is 2018, she smoked in the house.  And it ran right up into my apartment.  So I asked her to quit smoking in her house.  I think she may have, but not completely.  I do know if it was raining or cold outside, she still smoked inside.  So then we moved here and I made the rule no smoking in the house.  And after an argument one night, she lit up in her room.  I barged in there and said "Don't you dare smoke in the house.  You go outside and do that crap!"  See, I am super allergic.  But mother doesn't care I am super allergic to smoke.  But she does care that my son has asthma (though he outgrew it...sssh, dont' tell her!) and my hubby may possibly have asthma.  So that's what I said to her that night.  I mean, she used to say to me if I forgot to buy her cigarettes on a day I went shopping, even though I bought her everything else she asked for "Well, I guess it's fuck what the old lady wants!"  But the funny part is that the truth is "Fuck what Shay wants or needs".  It always has been.  Which is another thing I will get to later.  

And making her smoke outside is not a win for me, because that means her cigarette smoke permeates the house no matter where she is outside, if the weather is nice enough to have the windows open.  AND the stench of her smoking wafts around her like Pig-Pen when she walks through the house.  She has a tendency to pick the cherries off the end of her cigarette (the lit part) with her fingers, which makes someone's hands smell like a rancid asshole.  And then she will bring that scent into the house and bug me until I tell her she stinks too much and needs to get the fork away from me.  

So, I am never out of the line of the smell of her smoking.  Ever.  

Last year, she smoked out front mostly.  I could never have my windows open or the front door open due to the smell.  But I did get a lot of access to my backyard with my hammock swing.  It was glorious!  

This year?  She for some reason has a hard on for our backyard.  I honestly think it's so I can't have my own space away from her, she just wants to invade it.  And when I am out there, she will still come out and light up, and smoke me out until I leave.  It's fucking aggravating.  But, at least I get a cigarette-free existence in my room.  Which is also glorious.  But recently, she's been taking up going back out front again, just now and then, and having a smoke.  So I put an end to it.  

I mean, if she's going to steal the entire backyard for herself (soon, I will have my own oasis back there away from her, yay!), she can't have both.  And when I say she's "stealing" it, I mean, she's out there for like eight fucking hours a day!  So yeah, I put my foot down.  First, I threw away her "butt can", which is a coffee tin filled with her butts.  And then today when she went out front to have a smoke, I said "No, I prefer you to never smoke out front again.  It goes straight into my room and it makes my room smell."  She said "But your window is shut."  I said "It's always open a crack to hear the cats" (the cats all think my bedroom window is the door to the house).  She said "But the air is on."  And I didn't respond and left the room.  Because I said what I wanted to say and there is no argument.  And she went out back to smoke.  

And the little me who never got the chance to live a smoke-free life, who always had bronchitis (something smokers get!) every single year, was cheering inside.  Finally, I could protect her from the idiot who doesn't think about anyone but what she wants to do in the moment.  Finally, I got the nerve to say "NO MORE!".  Because I work in my room.  I do all my work in my room.  I used to do it in regular places around the house, but my mother has proved she will interrupt, and seek me out just to bother me knowing I am working, so I got a lock on my door and I've been in my room working ever since (for like a year now).  And I can NEVER have my window open, because she will go right outside and smoke right there so it all pours right into my room.  And I would always shut my window.  And she knew I was bothered by it, but did it anyways, because my mother loves to hurt me.  Sick, right?  

Well, no more.  If she's going to steal the backyard from me, making it impossible for me to go out there, then she can't smoke out of my room, too.  That's fucked up.  And beyond selfish.  She has to realize that her nasty ass habit bothers other people.  But she doesn't care.  

But also know that I am a former smoker, myself, so when I say "nasty ass habit" I am speaking from experience on both sides.  I started when I was eighteen, but quit when I was twenty-five, due to my smoke allergies (thank goodness for allergies, right?).  She had quit for many years (but instead upped her drinking game) and started again when she got remarried (though she did quit drinking, so there was that).  And now she's upped her smoking game this summer, which is costing everyone too much money.  But I digress.  

Anyways, so my mother wanting to go out front smoke was at a really bad time.  My kids were arguing (like bad) and she pushed between them to get through the kitchen to go out, and I had to stop what I was doing in order to tell her to go out back (it was during a pop-up rainstorm, but she could have waited).  When we first moved in here, they got into a huge argument and she tried to get involved, because back then, she thought she was god and could control anyone and everyone.  At that point, I had taken her keys away already (she can't drive) and she had busted into the room screaming "OH MY GOD I WILL NOT DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!  GIVE ME MY KEYS RIGHT NOW!"  And again, I had to stop taking care of the situation in order to deal with her.  It's like, this has nothing to do with you, mother, why are you inserting yourself into this?  

See, my kids both have autism (as do I).  Back when they were little, they used to fight really badly.  And as my one son got holder, he was diagnosed with ODD, which was onset at birth (there are two types: birth onset and puberty onset--which was what I sort of had).  And life used to be a little crazy for a few years dealing with all of that.  But he's gotten older and has learned to control his temper and has outgrown much of his behavior.  But when one or both of them haven't slept the night before?  That's when it still crops up.  It's like an outburst maybe one to two times a year.  And it's never as bad as it used to be (once we almost has to call the police--thank goodness we didn't, because that always brings all sorts of trouble).  When you have issues as a kid, the world makes you believe you are hard to love.  And my kids are so easy to love and like.  Yet, my mother has always treated that one son like she's treated me: hard to like.  My mother was famous for saying to me "I love you, but I don't like you right now."  Which is a fucked thing to say to your child.  

Raising my boys wasn't easy.  But I would never ever change a single moment of it, because they are both amazing human beings who are smarter than anyone I know.  And I refused to let my mother make them feel otherwise, even if they were in the middle of hitting each other.  

So I had to turn to her, and take my attention off my kids and say "You will never drive again and this has nothing to do with you and I do not want you to ever, EVER, insert yourself into an argument of theirs ever again!  You hear me??  I grew up my entire fucking life with you and daddy doing so much worse in front of me as a child, and you are and old woman so you can take it and go shut your door and ignore them!  NOW GIT!"  Just kidding, I didn't tell her to git.  I wanted to.  But I did say the rest of it.  And damn, did that feel good.  My inner child had been screaming out for me to right the wrongs of the past and I have been, little by little.  I've been able to say the things I never was able to say since moving in here.  To bring light to the things I've never been able to bring light to.  Even if she always lies or denies what I am saying.  It doesn't matter.  I just get to say them to her face.  

This time, she didn't say anything, she just got a hair up her ass to think she should walk between my grown children to go out and smoke while they were yelling at each other (not that she would have gotten hurt or anything, it was just interruptive).  She could have just waited.  But my mother is the queen of doing RIGHT NOW exactly what she wants to be doing.  She will not wait for you.  She has the patience of a maggot in a trash can (not sure if that's an apt analogy, as I do not know much about maggots... though they do seem kind of impatient, wanting to eat all that trash and stuff).  

And I told her no more smoking where it would bother me.  I got to remove a huge offense from my life (offending my damn sinuses!) and now I can have my window open any damn time I want.  

Do you think she will stick to this?  Ha!  Probably not.  She will most likely fight me about it.  Like she always does to my rules (today she actually brought light to the fact that I lock the garbage cans up because of her, which was funny).  But I will keep on saying it and even threaten to never buy her any again, which I think will have the desired effect.  But I shouldn't have to do that.  And I won't argue with her.  I will just do what I've been doing: I tell you once, and if you don't comply, consequences.  I fought her on the garbage cans so many freaking times (her physical therapist said she wasn't allowed to take them out, since they weigh more than she does), that I just gave up and locked them up instead.  And I may do the same if she won't stop smoking out front.  I will lock her cigarettes up until she complies.  Or will remove all of her seating out back and tell her she can only smoke out front then.  One or the other.  It's not fair to steal both places from me and my family.  And it's not fair to dictate whether or not my window can be open while I work.  So she will need to pick one.  

In other news, my kids immediately made up and are best friends again.  They are super close, and sometimes get so sick of each other (usually, like I said, only after a night of not sleeping) they just nitpick until they are yelling at each other.  I don't like it, but like I said, it hardly ever happens anymore.  Most of the time they are best friends who do everything together.  

I'm just glad my mother has learned to back off during their arguments.  Thank goodness.  I guess me bringing up how her and my father did WAY WORSE to me growing up really brought light to the truth of the matter and possibly shamed her.  Probably not.  But maybe?  

Anyways, that's today's antics.  The rest of the week has been boring.  Her dementia seems to be getting worse (her forgetfulness) at times, too.  So I've been paying more attention to the things she's doing.  I had realized recently while I am in charge of dinner every night, I leave everyone else to make their own breakfasts and lunches.  I am think my mother's been skipping them!  In lieu of real food, she's been snacking and fucking with her blood sugar.  So now I am in charge of lunches AND dinners.  Hooray.  But like I said, no matter how much I like her or don't like her, I care about her wellbeing and know my role as caretaker.  And I refuse to ignore her issues with food (she has some serious shame about food, which she tried to pass down to me) and I have to make sure every single day she's eating properly.  So she makes oatmeal for breakfast for herself, and now I am planning meals for lunch.  

How I found this out was she was weeding in the backyard and almost fell asleep!  I said "You need to take your blood sugar, pronto!"  and sure enough, it was low.  So now I make sure she's eating more than one meal a day.  I had no idea she wasn't eating much anymore.  And that's why I think her dementia is worse.  Because she never forgot to eat meals before.  At least not to the point of making herself sick.  

More responsibility for me, but now that I am making my household bullet journal, I can delegate other stuff because all that info won't just be in my head! LOL  Phew! 

Now just to get the damn bullet journal done.  Well, I am planning it all out, so that's something.  Until next time.