Yes, today was one of those days.  Though, I will say, it's better than it used to be.  But I am waiting for evil mother to make a comeback.  She can't stay away forever.  

Anyways, she's been on a good streak lately.  Like, for her.  But today, she decided that my oldest on is her scapegoat again, and she's treating him like shit again.  

Both my kids cook.  But my mother only recognizes my youngest as a cook.  She sees my oldest as a messmaker.  They are BOTH messy cooks.  But they both can cook amazingly well.  My oldest makes steaks to perfection (something my mother has never learned to do) and he makes this really great "beefsteak" pie, that's from the 1800's.  And whenever he makes dinner, she bitches at him.  If my youngest warms up a poptart, she calls him a fucking chef.  

Now, my youngest is a bakery chef.  He also deep fries, and makes other things.  My oldest is a dinner guy, and loves to make complicated lavish meals.  They both have their strengths and make a great team (both in cooking and in life).  But my youngest is the only person she says should go to "chef school".  It's so fucked up.  

So today, she found every way to compliment my youngest, but constantly blamed my oldest for everything and even yelled at him about stuff that he wasn't even doing.  She's such a fucking cunt about it, too.  And it makes me want to scream.  And I tell you, I am not going to let her get off without a stern talking to the next time she bitches at him.  I will literally say "What has crawled up your ass?  You've been mean to my kid all week!  Knock it off!"  And that will get her to stop.  If you call her out on her shit, she will quit.  For a bit, at least.  

And here's the thing: my oldest seeks her attention and approval.  And she fucking knows it.  And uses it against him.  I tell him all the time, stop asking her to look at what you've made.  She knows you want her approval and will not give it to you, just to hurt you.  I know how it is though, needing her approval.  I don't do that anymore, like at all (though last year I did).  So I get it.  But to see my son get treated that way makes me want to slap her in her fucking face.  But I am not a violent person, so I will just think about it instead LOL  But I am going to talk to her about it if this continues.  

Also, today she opened my door, twice.  One time it was to literally blame my oldest son for something he didn't do, when it was his brother who did it.  And when she found that out, she said nothing.  Asshole.  I hate that she makes it so I don't have a choice but to always have my door locked.

And she insisted I bring up her Snowbabies from the basement.  They are these figurines my great-Aunt Lutefisk gave her throughout the years (though I doubt she remembers where they came from).  It's October, not December.  But whatever.  These Snowbabies were a hot topic for a bit, as when we moved in, she had all her stuff divvied up for other family members.  Including these figurines.  She wanted me to give them to my cousin's daughter, who doesn't even know her LOL  I said "Ma, she's a preteen girl, she doesn't want a bunch of figurines from a crazy old aunt she doesn't even know."  Hell, even her mother and aunt (my cousins) didn't want my aunt Lutefisk's hand-painted (by her) china plates.  So why would her daughter want something that same aunt bought and gave to my mother as a gift?  So dumb.  Oh, also, when my aunty bought them for her?  All she did was complain and say they were stupid.  And she said she only put them up because aunt Lutey would see she hadn't.  But now she acts like they are priceless.  Sigh.  

So I keep telling her "I want them, so don't give them to anyone."  Granted, when I first said it, it was because I was so angry with her for how she treated me after going no contact with her, but now I may actually want them (or not).  Whether I keep them or not, it should be up to me, as I am her only child.  But also, I hate my extended family, so I'd rather throw them in the trash than give one freaking thing to them.  But I would never do that.  Throw perfectly good things away that someone else in the world may want or like.  I'm not that petty.  

But she insisted on putting them up already, which is fine by me.  She has dementia, and we have no idea how long her memory will hold out, as it's getting worse every day.  So if she wants to put up Christmas decor now?  Let her.  The figurines are cute anyways (though a bitch to dust).  But she did get mad at me for 1) insisted I keep one thing of mine on the shelves (we have these strange shelves that separate the living room and kitchen) and 2) because she wanted to take down my son's birthday decorations to fit all her figurines in (though, still not enough room) and I told her no, because the cats will knock her figurines down on those bottom shelves and I don't want them to break.  She said I need more room, I said just pick your favorites.  

That's a thing people with large collections need to remember: if you don't have enough room for all your shit?  Pare down the collection (and rotate them), rather than trying to make the space bigger (she says as she has overflowing cookbooks falling off the bookshelf).  Okay, I'll go take my own advice and clean my cookbookshelf (wouldn't that be a whole word, because "bookshelf" and "cookbook" are both full words, so you should be able to combine them, amright?).  I am trying to teach my mother about being more minimalist while I am teaching myself the same thing.  You should have seen the chaotic bullshit ass mess we had when we first moved in.  Good grief.  I had to fight her (like mentally knife-fight her) on getting rid of all the extra stuff she had.  Wow were our cabinets packed.  She taught me to be the same way, but in 2018, I learned how to do better, because losing everything you own does that to you.  Or, at least, can do that to you.  And luckily, it did that to me.  Because good god, I was worse than her before that.  But that's what I grew up with.  It was all I knew.  If you had one something, you needed 10 more.  That's the motto we both followed.  And it had nothing to do with "Depression" living (those in the Depression learned to live that way due to not being able to get things again) because my mother's too young for that and didn't grow up that way herself.  It's hoarding, plain and simple.  It's also being addicted to shopping, as my mother is (and even though I've broken her of the actual act of it, she's still emotionally addicted and asks me to go shopping all the time).  And now since I've been paring down for the past year, we're finally getting to a manageable amount of shit in our house.  And as I keep going, we'll have less and less and less, until we only have things we either need, or love.  

It's a work in progress, because, as I said, I am teaching myself at the same time.  But I've come a long, long way, and most of my battles are with her about junk around the house, rather than my own battles.  Which sucks, because I hate having to manage another human in my life.  But it is what it is.  

Let's just hope she chills out and stops being an asshole to my oldest son.  Though that will never, ever happen, because for some reason, she's picked him as her scapegoat and he will be forever.  

I can't wait until she's in a home.  

We'll be talking to an elder/estate attorney soon.  Then we'll know what our options are.  

I am glad they are fixing my mother's medication issues because they aren't working for her anymore.  But today, I found out that the meds that she's been on for at least twelve years, cause confusion and brain issues.  Um, what?  This is the first I've heard of it.  Though I do know the meds she's on for her tremors also cause confusion and brain issues, but she cannot stop using those, otherwise she'd be in a home.  But I had no idea that Oxybutynin had the same effect.  

Here's the thing: my mother's been diagnosed with dementia.  And slowly, she's getting worse most days, and has been for almost thirteen years or so.  And I clearly remember her confusion starting before she got on her meds.  But what if the meds are what's causing her to get worse?  I would never willingly say "Stay on the meds, ma!  We need you loopy!" because those meds are not working anymore.  And I am not here to make anyone suffer needlessly.  But the idea of her regaining her mental state does not bode well for anyone in our house.

Well, the same thing happened when we found out she was low on vitamin B12.  She got the shots but her mental status did not change at all.  So that's something.  

Okay, I feel like a big fat asshole for saying this, but if my mother did not have dementia?  I could not live with her.  Like, at all.  Her dementia makes her bearable.  It makes her nicer (though not always).  It makes her stop bugging me about shit she can't do (like stuff her doctor told her to stop doing).  It's makes her agreeable and able to get off everyone's cases.  My mother without dementia is an asshole, plain and simple.  She's cruel and mean.  And now that's she'll be getting new meds tomorrow, if her mind starts going back to her old self?  And it's not dementia that was causing all of it and it was just these meds?  She will have to go into assisted living.  Because this only works when she's not being horrible.  

Like I said, the idea that I am fearing her "dementia" behavior will be reversed makes me feel like a jerk.  Because I had two grandparents and an uncle with it (my mother's parents and brother), and I see what it does to you.  So I don't want to wish that on someone, but at the same time, I cannot have a relationship with her when she's got all her marbles about her.  Because then, she becomes dangerous.  And I won't live with a dangerous person in my home.  So, we'll see what happens.  And if it's going to clear up, it should happen quickly (as it did with my husband when he was on meds that did that to him).  So we'll know soon.  

So, the other day, we're eating lunch and I say to my son "Hey, we're going to go sit out here with the door open to eat wanna join us?" (meaning in the garage).  I stupidly said it loud enough for her to hear.  So five minutes later, I can hear her in the kitchen saying something to my son and she knocks on the garage door, and comes in and proceeds to muck about for a bit, never once telling me what she wanted.  I said "What can I get you?"  So she ignores me and looks around some more.  And finds some toilet paper, which I could have easily gotten for her.  And she gets something else, too.  So I take my empty plate and go inside.  And she says "Oh, I am almost done, you don't have to leave!"  Bullshit.  She came in there on purpose, knowing we were in there, just to interrupt us, per usual.  She sees the chairs I bought from FB Marketplace and starts telling me what to do with them.  Per usual.  I said "Well, for one, they need new cushions, and for two, I have plans for them."  Actually, I don't have plans for them until I get new cushions for them.  But they are mine, and I paid for them and she can shove off about taking control of my stuff, like she always does.  

So yesterday, she knocks on my door and asks to have my chairs.  Not both, just one.  I said "Ma, they are super low to the ground (and they are), you will not be able to get out of them."  So she says her usual stupid thing of "I going to say the exact opposite of the truth just to further my agenda!" with "Oh, those are easier for me to get out of!"  No.  They.  Are.  Not.  She can barely get out of the stupid car she bought in 2019 that I kept telling her was too low to the ground for her.  With her bad knees, everything is hard for her to get out of.  So I just ignored her and said "I have plans for MY chairs, ma.  They need new cushions, as I told you, and after that, I have plans for them."  So she gets super annoyed with me and puts on her horribly disappointed voice.  "Oh.  I guess I don't get anything then.  It was just an idea.  Okay.  Whatever."  Sigh.  

Also yesterday, she busts into the room while I am making dinner, gets in my way, and starts to make coffee.  I said "I will finish when you're done."  I said it in a nice tone and she got super angry and said "I WILL BE DONE IN A MINUTE, GOD!"  So I leave the room to go feed the dogs and to get away from her.  Then she notices I left and says super shitty "I guess so."  Then she yells "YOU CAN HAVE THE KITCHEN NOW, IT'S ALL YOURS!"  Yet, she's still in there.  And doesn't leave for five more minutes.  I come out as she's leaving and she says in her super shitty voice again "I guess I will just get out of your way."  So I reply with a big smile on my face "Oh, you're never in my way!"  She was very confused by that one.  Yes, I left the room because she has these little defiant/manic episodes where she has to get something done right now and will just cram herself into whatever space you're in.  But the bigger reason I left the room was because she just came in from smoking and she smelled like a 1,000 year old ashtray that's been accumulating used cigarette butts for a thousand years.  Which is because she picks her cherries off with her fingers (for non-smokers, that means the lit tobacco at the end of the cigarette).  Which makes her smell HORRIBLE.  On a good day, this is disgusting.  But yesterday was a really bad day for me.  I was dizzy as fuck all day, and super nauseous (I have POTS and some days are just bad days).  Standing made me feel horrible, and I was trying to make dinner, and then this old stinky ass woman busts in to make me even sicker, and she gets angry for leaving when she does.  Oh well.  I've told her a billion times how much she stinks after she smokes, yet it doesn't stick (nor does she care--though sometimes she may forget due to her dementia). 

Earlier in the day she starts screaming after seeing my son make a microwave meal "WHY DOES HE GET ALL THE GOOD FOOD?"  So I laughed and said "If you don't like the food you get, you get eat elsewhere."  She kept making me repeat myself, pretending not to hear what I said.  So I just quit and said never mind.  

Something I realized this week (well, two things) is that back when I used to live with her after leaving my ex-husband when she'd tell me when she'd go visit our next door neighbor, who I knew almost all my life, "Now, you stay home.  This is MY time to relax.  I need a break!"  I was always confused by it because a break from what?  I watched my kids 24/7, what on earth did she need a break from?  We were gone a lot of the time or outside.  Then I realized something: she was telling me to stay home so she could talk shit about me.  See, back then, I had ZERO idea she would talk shit about me so much behind my back.  I had no idea she even did it at all.  And recently, when I found out just how much she was talking shit about me, it kind of broke me even more than I already was knowing my mom is a narc.  There were just things I never assumed she did.  I mean, I knew she talked about me, but to the extent she did it, I never in a million years would have thought she did that to me.  And it wasn't new.  She was talking shit about me from childhood on.  It just feels like, I had no idea she hated me that much.  Sure, I talk shit about her, but that's because I hate her and think she's a horrible human being (now, I love her like a human being...there is a base love for all living things in my heart, even if the person or animals is dangerous or awful, a base love that wants that person safe, fed, clothed, etc., but that's all the love I have for her).  And I talk shit about her because she does awful things.  I don't talk shit about her just for fun or make fun of her, as she does me.  And yet, she expects me not to put her in a home.  Ha!  

So to know that all her friends and all my family have always heard these horrible stories about me?  To wonder what they must think of me?  It's fucked.  I don't like those people anyways, because any moron who listens to an idiot and doesn't seek out answers for themselves isn't worth my time or money.  But still.  I was never safe from her.  Never.  And I thought school was mean.  To think, I was living with my biggest bully for my entire childhood and beyond.  It makes me feel so exposed and humiliated and ashamed.  Not for what she said, but that I didn't know.  That I went around thinking people liked me for me, when in reality, they were busy with my mom, talking shit behind my back and probably spreading it others (the way my entire family did everyone else).  I feel so stupid.  

But the funny part of all that is that at the same time, my mother was also talking about them.  So they are in the same boat as me.  They just don't know it.  Though, I do.  And that makes me feel quite a bit better. 

Also, my mother's been doing some dementia-related activities.  Recently, she sits out back and talks to herself.  Like for the entire time she's out there.  It's so weird.  I always think she's on the phone, but alas, she's not.  

She forgot how to use her CD player.  She had no idea how to find where to hit "play".

I know there's been more things, I just can't keep them all in my head.  But I will say the biggest thing I've noticed since the beginning of summer, is that she no longer cleans much of anything anymore.  Which for me is a good thing, because she used to be so anal about cleaning and tidying, she'd always hide my stuff or be moving everything around.  But that's the thing, she used to be anal about it.  And now she just quit.  I think she's getting more and more confused as the days go by.  Again, this makes more agreeable most of the time, but I know how my mother is.  And I know the irritability and anger will come next.  Though, she did already go through that, so maybe it won't?  I don't know.  I guess I have no idea what will come next, as with a narc with dementia, anything is possible.  

It's cold today.  I like it.  And tomorrow is my youngest son's birthday.  So I have to go get stuff to celebrate and get some stuff planned out.  Though it's been rainy as fuck here all week, so that sucks.  We wanted to go to the botanical gardens, but I don't think that's happening.  Sigh.  We'll just watch scary movies instead all day.  Which sounds like loads of fun, too :)  Then take out from somewhere of his choosing (unlike all those previous years of my mother being charge of where we ate for our birthdays).  It's nice, being able to be in charge of our own lives again.  And our birthdays can be what we want.  Let's just hope she plays nice.  

My mother doesn't just have narcissistic personality disorder (and fits all the criteria for the DSM-4 for ASPD, but I think she also fits the DSM-5, too), but she's also been diagnosed with dementia, as well.  Fun!  Both her parents had Alzheimer's, and her brother had Lewy Body dementia, so it runs in her family deep.

And differentiating between dementia and NPD sometimes can be very tricky.  But there are signs to look for, one being things they once knew how to do they no longer do, or they mix up information regularly, something they've never done before.  

Here's the thing: it's REALLY hard to get a diagnosis of dementia for your elderly parent unless there is verifiable proof, which my mother has in a cat scan.  She has vascular dementia, which showed up on her scan many years ago.  But irritating part is that it was there for YEARS before someone looked at it and said "Oh yeah, you have dementia!"  They took the cat scan to look for a brain bleed, since she fell on the ice that year (in which my uncle, her brother who had lewy body dementia, called me and said "Your mother has been hit by a car!" and hung up on me---I had to translate Uncle-Homer-Dementia-Speak and realize he meant my mother fell on the ice and hit the car, which is exactly what happened).  But I'd been taking her to the doctor for years on end trying to get her a diagnosis, and every single time they always just gave her that advanced dementia test in which asks the really far out there questions of "Who is the president?  What year is it?  Count back from 100 by 11's.  Draw a clock."  Granted, when someone's dementia is super-progressed, those questions cannot be answered properly by a dementia patient.  But when why do we have all these "early warning signs" bullshit if nobody is actually going to pay attention to them?  

I didn't just try to get one doctor to diagnose her, I tried to get several.  And not one would.  Not until we met Mr. Penis Pants (I call him that because the poor guy has asperger's bad enough that his pants were three sizes too small for him and when he sat us in his office to talk about her issues all I could see was his old-man bulge through those tiny pants--it was kind of traumatizing LOL).  I'll call him Mr. PP for short.  But he was the only person who said she had dementia.  And I said "How could you tell?"  He said "Well, I looked at her cat scan."  How come no other doctor looked at that freaking cat scan??  Why was he the first??  And why did it take TWO FREAKING YEARS for someone to even check it out??  Why do we pay for medical insurance and healthcare if nobody is going to do their jobs??  It wasn't even like he took her symptoms into consideration at all.  It was just a simple glance at a cat scan.  So this shit?  Could have been diagnosed two years prior.  I'd been trying to get her diagnosed for longer than that, but if someone, anyone, would have just checked that scan, we would have had a diagnosis and I would never had went no contact with her.  

Now, granted, I do not really regret that, but at the same time, my life would have turned out very, very differently, if they had just done their stupid jobs.  And it was in 2019 she was diagnosed.  So I would have had some sort of leg to stand on when she would ask her for her car back constantly back in 2017.  She doesn't do that now, not since last summer, because she knows her role now.  She has zero power, so she lets things go.  I bet inside she's boiling, but she says nothing, which is fine by me.  

But if I would have known back then she had dementia, things would not have gotten out of hand.  But things turned out anyways, despite the healthcare industry failing my family so hard.  

I knew back in 2011 she had dementia.  That's when the signs started.  Dementia usually doesn't come on in an onslaught of warning signs.  It always starts small.  When my Uncle Homer first started to show signs, there was a single thing he'd do all the time.  He would say "I can't get online!"  I said "What are you typing?"  He would say "Googles.com".  I said "Homer it's GOOGLE, not GOOGLES."  Now, if an old person did that one time, big deal.  But he did it every single day.  The other warning signs came up.  Things that showed just how confused he was about stuff.  And eventually, he was in a home and tried to kill a nurse because he hallucinated she was a bank robber.  

My mother, when I first realized something was wrong, she said "Oh, you're going to the movies on Christmas, like you always do?"  I have never once gone to the movies on Christmas.  Never in my life.  That was something my cousins did when I was a kid.  But for a few years, she kept asking us that every single holiday, and still thinks to this day we went to the movies on Christmas.  That was just the beginning.  Then she forgot how to use her stove.  She called me up to ask if she could use mine and I said "Why?  Doesn't yours work?"  She said "No."  Which is code for "This is too complicated for me to figure out."  I don't know how many times she's told me something was broken when it only needed new batteries.  Recently, it was her glucose meter.  

And again, if someone does something one time, it's pretty normal, especially if the person is stressed.  But when it constantly happens, that's when you need to start thinking it may be more than just simple forgetfulness.  

But try to get a doctor to tell you your parent has dementia just on that.  Hell, my mother for a moment forgot who I was.  She said "Do you remember Eddie, Shay's best friend when they were little?"  I just looked at her said "Um, yes."  And that still wasn't enough to get a diagnosis.  If it hadn't had been for 1) her cat scan and 2) having that particular neurologist (Dr. PP) who took the time to look at her cat scan, then she'd still not have a diagnosis right now.  

Also, here is the shitty part: one doctor can give them a diagnosis, and the next one can take it away, just like that, if they feel the whim to do so.  I even had one neurologist say "Well, I don't think she has a fast-moving dementia like Alzheimer's".  And I thought to myself, huh?  Fast-moving?  Since when is Alzheimer's fast-moving?  It's one of the slowest moving dementias there is.  Both my grandparents had it and they both had it for like twenty years!  If that's fast, then I wonder what slow means.  He could have misspoke, and I should have opened my mouth and asked, but if he didn't really thought that it's fast-moving, then I fear for the safety of people who get him as a neurologist.  In fact, I fear for most people with most doctors, because look how long it takes to get a real diagnosis for anything these days!  We're all making strides in science, but where are the strides in doctor's actually listening to their patients and not treating them like a cattle on a conveyor belt?  Because that's the way we're treated today.  Then again, that's how our healthcare system works, period, so how can we expect our doctors to not be overwhelmed and too stressed out to hear everything we say?  Granted, many of those that don't listen to us, are freaking narcissists who think they're always right.  Which is the biggest reason I fear for our safety as patients.  Because it's up to use recognize the narcissism in our doctors (and everyone else) and find a new physician to see.  Then we have the doctors whose common sense is below average, and give subpar care because they don't understand basic things (how they passed medical school, we will never know--bribes, perhaps?).  Whatever the reason is for the shitty healthcare is, we are the ones on the receiving end and the ones getting fucked.  

Now, would would have getting my mother an early diagnosis done for us?  For one, I would have never given her back her keys.  If you read through my old blogs from 2016-2017, you'll see how much I talk about how she used to pester me to get her car back.  And she pestered me so much because there was no valid "reason" I took it away from her.  Now, I had a valid reason, but it wasn't backed up by a doctor, so I couldn't say "Well, the doctor says this".  I did have one doctor say she shouldn't drive, but that doc was quickly replaced and the new one didn't care.  So we, as caretakers, have ZERO ways to get anything done, when we cannot work in tandem with out parent's healthcare team.  If those guys aren't team players, then what do we even have?  Narcissistic parents who refuse to listen to their children, that's what.  

Now, granted, even if the doc says "Don't do this" etc, sometimes our narc parents don't give two shits and want to do it anyways.  But the diagnoses and the help they provide us isn't for our narc parents, it's for us.  Having my mother's physical therapist (who, by the way, almost refused to believe me about what a fall risk she is until the VERY last day he was here and saw her stand perfectly still and almost fall to the ground, and then he put a shit ton of restrictions on her) give my mother restrictions meant I could enforce them.  She didn't want to listen and still tried to do the things he said she wasn't allowed to do, but I made it very clear that she wasn't the one in charge.  Without his restrictions, how could I stand my ground with her?  What would I have to come back to?  "Because I said so" is not enough.  They do not care what we say or what we think.  They've proved that for our entire lives.  But we can say "Your doctor/physical therapist/social worker/etc. said you aren't allowed to do this.  And if you do this and get hurt doing it, I will be the one in trouble.  So no matter how much it annoys you or bothers you, I have to stick to my guns.  And if you don't want to protect yourself, that's fine, but my job is to protect both of us."  Or you can just tell them to "shut it" and say this is the way it is.  Whatever suits you.  But even though my mother doesn't care what I say, I always choose the diplomatic route (unless I have to yell at her, but even then, I try to keep it civil) because that way it can't come back to bite me in the ass later.  Oh she tries to use my words against me and will lie to people about what I say to her, but if I needed to record what I said, I could, and I could say "Look, I do not talk to her in negative ways" if need be.  Having my mother's healthcare team backing me up, gives me a strength I didn't know I had in order to stick to my guns.  

By the time our parents don't know who the president is or can't draw a clock, that's pretty far gone.  In fact, you don't even need to ask them those questions, because by then, all you need to do is talk to them and you'd be able to tell.  There are lost of cognitive testing they can do, such as GPCOG (General Practitioner Assessment of Cognition), Mini-Cog, AMTS (Abbreviated Mental Test Score), ACE-R (Addenbrooke’s Cognitive Examination – Revised), Clock Drawing Test, 6-CIT (6-Item Cognitive Impairment Test), TYM (Test Your Memory), MIS (Memory Impairment Screen) (you can google all of these).  But there are two tests that are more helpful with early detection: the MMSE and the MoCA.  The latter is more geared towards early detection, but I think these tests need to be more in depth.  I think that evaluation needs to be longer and there needs to be more information than just these simple ten minute tests.  To test for ADHD, it takes forty-five minutes to over two freaking hours!!!  And yet dementia gets only ten minutes???  Are you kidding me with this?  Which one is more important?  Because with early detection of dementia, you can do things to help stave off the memory loss, at least a little bit.  You can't stave off ADHD.  And why isn't there more intervention with dementia patients as there is for kids with ADHD?  We do we treat getting dementia as inevitable, but ADHD as special and in need of more help?  This makes zero sense.  Yes, ADHD is a real issue.  I know, because me, my husband, and my oldest son all have it (though there seems to be ZERO help with that an adult, even though it really affects adults in horrible ways).  But dementia is incurable and you can't "set up systems" as you can with inattentive ADHD for dementia.  They have to just deal with losing their cognition and memory.  And their caretakers are also stuck dealing with it.  Then on top of that, our mothers are narcissists.  Which really needs to be taken into consideration by healthcare teams.  Dementia is hard enough on it's own, but then you add stubborn asshole narcissism into the mix and you have a recipe for a volatile disaster.  

I am going to tell you, that first thing that needs to happen with a person with diagnosable dementia, even early dementia, is that their driver's license needs to be revoked, period.  There is no way to know when and where cognitive issues will happen and I am here to tell you right now that my mother should have had her license revoked many YEARS ago.  Her decision make skills became so bad that every single time she drove, she was putting her life, the lives of those with her, and the lives of those who were on the road in danger.  She would turn out in front people who were way too close for her to be turning left in front of.  She would go 70 in a 30.  She would drive into other people's lanes or into oncoming traffic.  And since she never got into an accident, nobody would take her license away.  "Oh, taking and old person's freedom away is a big deal".  But it really isn't, because we take drunk's licenses away all the time.  Just because my mother never got pulled over or hit anyone doesn't mean she wasn't a menace on the road.  Think if she would have killed a family with small children?  Think if that had been her first accident?  Wouldn't it had been worth it to revoke her license long before that?  That that family wouldn't be dead right now if we, as a society, just revoked elderly people with cognitive issues' licenses right off the bat?  I am here to tell you that nobody deserves freedom if it means it costs the lives of others (or, at the least, gave them trauma).  If I had narcolepsy, you'd take my license without even batting an eye.  But old people get a free pass?  No way.  This is one reason people need early diagnoses, so we can remove their licenses ASAP.  

So I've developed a questionnaire for early signs of dementia instead for people to use with their parents or maybe show it to your parents' doctors or therapists and see if they will administer it (because narc parents won't do much for us when they think we're the ones in charge of something).  Because an evaluation should take a LONG time.  At least as long as an ADHD evaluation.    Here are the questions (feel free to copy and paste it into a document): 

Early Dementia Questionnaire

I may add to this questionnaire later, but I do think that it's a start to get a more in-depth evaluation going when it comes to our parents dementia.  Dementia starts out small.  It starts out with simple, repeated mistakes, and it goes from there.  In the very beginning, it's damn near impossible to get a diagnosis.  But as times goes on, with the right type of, at least yearly, evaluation, we could start building a healthcare team right away that can support us through this trying time.  Although it would be super helpful to have the healthcare team to be supportive and accept their NPD diagnosis as well.  But one thing at time, right?    So find yourself a neurologist that will listen, and just because they're listed as a "Alzheimer's doctor" doesn't mean they are good doctors.  We found that out the hard way.  So keep looking for the right doctors in your town (or beyond) and find the one that works for you and your parent.  

Are you caretaking your NPD parent with dementia?  Do you have anything to add to my questionnaire or file information?  Do you have some great suggestions for doctors in the USA or elsewhere that are great at early diagnosis for dementia?  Please let me know below and let's build something together that works, because what is going on right now isn't working.  The way our parents are aren't being diagnosed until they have almost severe dementia is doing a disservice to both our parents and us.  Early diagnosis may not always help our parents, but it give us the strength, as caretakers, to do what needs to get done, and sometimes, that's enough. 

Maybe it's our self-esteem, or being gaslit as a child, or maybe it's just what we've learned to do, but saying "yes" when we should say "no", or thinking something is a good idea, when you later realize it's a super dumb idea, is something that plagues so many of us.  And it's utterly annoying, because afterwards, after you've lost money, or end up having to do something you really shouldn't be or want to be doing, you feel so very stupid.  You say "What was I even thinking?" and may even hear the same sentiment from others.  I can't tell you how many times I've gotten myself in that situation.  I've learned as I've aged, but once in awhile, I still get myself into a predicament that I don't want to be in.  Like when the lawncare people just called and talked me into setting up appointments with them to come out and spray my lawn for weeds.  While I do need some kind of weed control, I cannot afford them.  Granted, they didn't tell me at first they'd charge me twice the first time until after I agreed.  And they didn't tell me that "these treatments probably won't even work until next spring" until after I had set everything up.  But I shouldn't have said yes to begin with.  I should have just hung up on them the moment I knew who they were.  They got me though, by saying "Hey, is this Shay?", leading me to believe for a second I knew them, which caught me off guard, which is why I didn't hang up right away.  

Do these salesmen know psychology or am I just that dumb sometimes?  I am not the type of person who entertains salespeople.  If I want something, I will ask for it.  I do not want someone calling my house or showing up at my door to get me to buy something (I just realized, I need a "no sales" sign outside).  I literally abhor salespeople.  If they're good at their jobs, they are usually narcissists (which is why my hubby wasn't good at sales when he worked at his old job, he's not an asshole douchebag).  So I keep my distance usually from them and hang up when they call (and I will next time!).  

Luckily today I called and cancelled my order, thank goodness.  So I don't have to follow through my stupid mistake.  But I am annoyed I made the mistake to begin with.  Though you live and learn, right?  

One time my son's coworker asked my son to drive him to his new home.  Five hundred miles away.  And my son hurried up and said "Sure!" and then he came home and told me about it, and at first, I thought it sounded exciting and agreed.  But the next day, it hit me: what in the holy fuck did I just agree to?  My son was nineteen years old, he had never been away from home before,  he is also autistic and has massive amounts of anxiety, and our car wasn't the best to be driving that far.  At first I thought "He's nineteen.  He needs life experience.  I don't want to say no just to say no."  But this certainly wasn't the way to go about getting life experience, as we hardly even knew the guy!  Though after I met his coworker, I realized he was the type of guy who would take advantage of a nineteen year old kid, which I suspected after I came to my senses.  This dude was my age!  

And soon later, my son came to the same conclusion, thank goodness.  So I made up an excuse and texted the guy that my son couldn't do it.  The guy was livid.  But I felt so dumb to say yes to begin with.  I felt like I was just this person who would always say yes, just as I had been in the past, only to realize what I was actually agreeing to later and backing out.  But I have since learned my lesson, for the most part, after that experience.  I stopped thinking everything sounded like a good idea the moment I'd hear it, just because I really had no idea how I actually felt about it.  Though in some ways, I don't regret saying yes to that one, as my son realized it was a bad idea on his own, without me having to tell him and have him feel like I was controlling his life (you know how teenagers are).  

Another time my old "friend' gave my number to her cousin, who's name was Tonias (I had to put his real name in this because isn't that an amazing name?).  Tonias called me, told me he was selling knives and would love to come out and show me what he's got.  How silly was that?  Knives of all things.  And I somehow agreed to his spiel.  

See, in these moments, what pushes me to stay and keep listening to a sales person (or someone who wants something from me) and eventually agree to something really stupid is a combination of both equal parts obligation and fear of hurting the person's feelings by saying no.  It's like a fear of confrontation, because we don't know the person, so we have no idea how they will react.  Will they get angry with me?  Will they try to guilt me into doing it anyways?  Will they accept my "no" and let me hang up (or walk away)?  Or will they say something that will shame me into doing what they want?  Once a saleswoman conned my mother into selling her a "Life Alert" button (this place has a telephone number that is one number off from the VA pharmacy's number, and hopes old people call them instead of the VA and sign up for their "Life Alert" program).  So I called the number back and cancelled it.  But the woman kept telling me I was being stupid, because what if my mother fell when she was alone?  What if this, what if that, etc. etc.  I kept saying "I live with her, with FOUR other adults, and she has a cell phone, so we're good."  But no matter what I said, it wasn't good enough.  She was just trying to shame me into buying her product.  That would have worked with some people (I don't deal well when someone tries to shame it, it pisses me off).  Which is why I think sales is evil, and if your product isn't good enough on it's own, it isn't worth selling.  

But I'm not just talking about sales here.  I'm also referring to agreeing to do things for people (like that guy with my son) that we either don't really want to or should not do, all because a) we feel obligated and b) we fear what saying "no" would mean to that person (or we fear looking like a jerk, or hurting their feelings, or their reaction, etc.).  Fear and obligation are why we do this.  But what does that really stem from?  Where does being a people pleaser come from?

I think it comes from a lifetime of someone not letting us say no when we really want to.  That person either guilts us, shames us, blames us, punishes us, or gets really angry with us.  That person (or people) is so used to trampling over our boundaries, that us telling them "no" would feel like a slap in the face to them.  Which is how they treat us when we do it.  Which is what causes us to become people pleasers later in life, because that's we've been trained to do.  My oldest son has been trained by his narcissistic father to feel this way, and I've been trained by both my parents.  

And being put on the spot when you don't know how you really feel about something is how these people get us.  It speaks to our anxiety, puts us in a position to say "yes or no" right on the spot.  And we'll usually say yes, because our anxiety won't let us say otherwise.  Whether it be sales people or a family member or a friend or even a boss.  We don't know how we truly feel about what this person is asking of us, so we sometimes draw a blank or just go into automatic "agreeable" mode.  Being agreeable means nobody gets angry, or let down, or hurt, or anything else negative.  When we're agreeable, we're likable.  So we say yes, not fully understanding what we're saying yes to until later, when we can truly analyze the situation and make a proper choice.  But by then, it's too late, now we're either stuck doing something we don't want to or should not do, or we're stuck coming up with a reason why we have to back out.  And the truth?  Doesn't feel like an option.  Saying "I am sorry, but I didn't really think before I said yes, and I don't want to do this."  Now that sounds like a panic attack in a sentence, doesn't it?  It sounds rude and selfish.  And the last thing we, those who have been codependent with abusers before, would ever want to sound like.  We need to be agreeable, or else people won't like us and we'll feel ashamed for honoring our own boundaries.

Although, do you know what I said to Tonias the very next day?  He is one of the very few people I ever told the truth to as to why something was a bad idea.  I said "Look, she shouldn't have given out my phone number to a stranger.  You are her cousin, but I don't know you.  I only said yes to you because I felt obligated that you took the time to call me and you are my friend's cousin.  And I felt bad saying "no" when I know this is your livelihood.  But I am really not interested in knives.  I have a set that I use all the time, and they've never gotten dull since I bought them years ago.  So I do not need more.  Thank you so much for your time, but like I said, you need to tell her to stop giving out phone numbers for you to cold call.  It's not right."  I only told him the truth because he was a really, really nice guy and he made me feel like it was safe to be real with him.  I felt safe that he wouldn't yell at me or try to pressure me into buying from him.  But people like him?  Are rare.  The rest of the time I make up a flat out lie so I make sure there is no way they can come at me again or try to talk me into doing it anyways.  

The weed control people, I called them today and said "Sorry, I just found out the landlord is selling the house and we're going to be moving so I won't need your services."  Thank goodness it was customer care and not the same sales guy!  I was so nervous about talking to him again.  But it wasn't.  And she said "Okay" and cancelled my appointment and that was that.  I could have just called and said "Please cancel my appointment."  But they usually ask why, so I made up a lie.  How stupid.  It's my money and my freaking yard.  If I don't want them there, me saying "cancel" should be enough.  But I feel obligated to make it sound like I have a good reason.  I don't need a good reason!  None of us do!  But they make us feel like we need a good reason, or else they'll keep bothering us or worse, just show up anyways.  

Lying to get out of something has been something I've always felt the need to do.  Growing up, my mother never took "no" for an answer, I had to tell her "why".  And if she didn't deem it good enough, she didn't accept it.  So I became the queen of making shit up.  The truth was never good enough for her.  And I soon learned, it's not good enough for most people.  So I learned to lie to everyone when I needed to say no.  My son does the same thing, but also because he has extreme social phobia and can't bring himself to just say "no" to someone.  But knowing your boundaries and guarding them, is knowing you're allowed to say "no" for any reason whatsoever.  I mean, not in a douchey way.  But you should be allowed to say "I am sorry, I really can't do that right now" and not have anyone get upset about it.  Or you should be allowed to tell the truth "I am sorry, my anxiety is too much today for me to do that" or whatever the reason is you have to say no, and the other person should say "I understand.  That's okay."  

That's what Tonias said to me.  He made me feel like my "no" was valid and even agreed it wasn't right that he called me to begin with.  I made sure to let him know I appreciated his understanding and it means a lot to have his type of response in a world where everyone takes "no" personally and reacts to it.  

Another person I said "no" to was a woman I met at Barnes and Noble who sold "Pampered Chef" stuff.  She came over to my house to hang out a few days before the party and was a total asshole to me, my children, and my dogs.  That's what I get for making friends at the bookstore.  So when she messaged me on AOL about the party, I said "I am sorry, I am going to have to so no about having a party and staying friends with you.  You are a very interesting person and I enjoyed some of the stories you told me, but I don't think you and I are on the same wavelength.  What I mean is, I am sure your friends adore you and you adore them, but I just don't like you.  I am not saying you're an awful person or anything, but we're very different types of people, and I don't see our friendship going on for very long, so I'm going to stop it before it starts.  Good luck in all you do and again, know this is about me, not you.  But I do appreciate that we tried to be friends."  And she did not like my response.  At first.  She got very angry and yelled at me and asked me what she did wrong, so I was honest with her about how she treated my dogs and my kids and how her and I were just too different to get along.  She didn't respond for a few days and then wrote me back and said "You know what?  You're right.  And I appreciate your honesty.  I have never ever had someone tell me that before and I've had way too many friendships that end up ghosting me.  And that was because they didn't have the balls to tell me what you said.  So you taught me something, and I'm going to use that from here on out with others: compassionate and total honesty.  Thank you!"  I was floored.  Someone actually understood what I was trying to say for once??  Wow.  I did not expect that. 

I wholly expected her to be pissed forever.  But I felt in that moment, I could not lie to her.  Or ghost her.  Especially because she wanted to have a PC party at my house.  So I felt safe in telling her the truth.  Why?  Because I didn't know her well enough to care if she was angry with me.  But had I known her and stopped liking her?  Yeah, I probably would have ghosted her out of fear of telling her the truth or make excuses forever until she gave up.  Stupid, right?  

But that's the thing: fear and obligation keep us doing things we don't want to do, when we should just be able to be honest instead.  

We fear honesty because most people can't handle the truth.  They can't handle our boundaries, either.  So we say "yes" so we end up trampling our own boundaries, instead of letting others do it.  Saying yes when we want to say "no" is a sign of a codependency.  So even if you think you've detached from your narc parent(s)?  You still need to fix yourself and the issues that arose from your relationship with you parent(s).  Which is something I've come to realize about myself, as well.  

I don't always say "yes".  But when someone is nice, I always feel bad about saying "no".  

So the trick is: don't say yes or no until you've thought about it.  Even if the person (especially salespeople) pressure you.  If they pressure you, get angry!  Let them know they are violating your boundaries by telling them to stop and if they want something from you, then they need to let you think about it.  You don't have to be mean, but you can be if you need to be, especially if they aren't listening to you (though I save my anger only for super pushy salespeople--like that crazy "Life Alert" woman).  

And when it comes down to saying "no", say "I am sorry, but I'm going to have to pass."  Or "Sorry, we can't do that, because (insert reason here)".  You don't have to lie.  But you also don't have to tell them everything, either.  You can say "That won't work for us, but thank you for thinking of us".  If they ask why, you only need to say "Well, we have our reasons, but I don't think we'll be able to do this".  And change the subject if you have to.  

Boundaries: make them, enforce them, and don't let people trample them just because you're scared of not being "agreeable".  Not all people will appreciate you saying no, but those people do not need to be in your life if they can't accept it.  And others are strangers, so who cares?  You are allowed to say "no".  And you are allowed to say "no" for no reason, too, sometimes.  Just because you plain don't want to do it.  But mostly because you have real reasons those reasons are valid.  If you feel safer in lying, I get it.  But you need to get to the point where you don't say "yes" out of fear or before you've thought something through thoroughly.  Then you can work on not caring if someone doesn't like your truth.    

A great book on this is called "The Power of the Positive No" by William Ury.  Here is a great article that explains more: How to Say No When You Feel Pressured to Say Yes. 

But also be okay with being told "no" yourself.  Don't take "no" personally  Be a safe space for a person to be honest with you about why they don't want to do something for you.  Be accepting of the other person's truth, so they don't have to lie.  The truth makes people uncomfortable, for the above reasons, so make it comfortable for others to be truthful with you.  We can't change the world, before we change ourselves.  And by changing ourselves, we end up changing the world.  So make truth comfortable, for yourself, and others.  

And be honest with people as much as you can.  Even if will upset someone.  Because the more you practice honesty, the easier it becomes.  And honesty brings about boundaries.  Even if the person is a narcissist, you can choose the level of honesty you give them.  You can say "no" without having to say exactly why.  It's still honest, even if you aren't telling them everything.  Instead, concentrate on them understanding that they need to accept your "no" without badgering you about still doing whatever it is they want you to do.  Put up those boundaries with empowered statements such as "If you can't accept what I am saying, we can talk later when you calm down." or "I said no, if you can't be okay with that, then don't ask me to do anything at all, because you're acting like I never had an option to begin with."  And always cut the conversation short if they won't listen.  

I know it's hard.  Especially if you're used to pleasing everyone around you.  My ex was such a people pleaser (and a narcissist) that he'd say yes to everyone but me.  Once, I forgot to bring my medication with to his friend's son's birthday party and my ex refused to leave with me go home and take my meds (I was pregnant and needed to take my meds so I didn't go into labor...so it was kind of a big deal that I needed my meds).  He didn't want to disappoint his friend by leaving.  So I took my oldest son and went home and told him to find a ride.  He soon followed me to the car, but I wasn't going to hurt my youngest son just because he had issues with saying "no" to people.  Which is something we all need to remember:

Sometimes saying "yes" to the wrong thing can hurt us or others.  

So learning how to say "no" when you need to is very important in life.  Because always saying "yes" can hurt you, or those you love, mentally, physically, emotionally, or financially.  So learn to say "no" .  And learn to be okay with hearing "no".  

Here is a great video to help you learn how to get in touch with how you really feel about things: 

"Do You Gaslight Yourself?" by Patrick Teahan LCSW

If you have any other ideas or questions to tackle this subject, feel free to let me know in the comments :)