Okay, so my mantra today isn't for my mother, but my son.  He has autism and has issues with needing to know every little detail of everything.  And I am reactionary towards that, because none of my responses are usually good enough for him.  He likes to micromanage things and it gives him great anxiety if he can't.  Which is why I made a majority of everything yesterday while he was asleep.  My youngest and I cook in mostly silence.  Though when he was taking a break, he told me all about a bunch of stuff he's into.  And that kind of talk while I am cooking does not overwhelm me.  

I am not saying my oldest son is a bad person for what he does, he has autism, and this is one of his issues.  And today, he was having an issue micromanaging me about the turkey, and when the lid on the roaster didn't fit properly, he had a total meltdown.  Which led to a HUGE fight between us.  Though it did make me feel better to yell "I am cooking this holiday because I cannot stand the constant negativity from my mother, and now I am getting it from you!"  Not that it made me feel good to say that to my kid, but I knew my mother could hear me.  I am such an asshole.  But yeah.  It felt good.  

My son later apologized to me and we talked about his behavior.  And he pointed out that I also say things that feel like emotional abuse to him.  Granted, his words are more abusive than mine, but I do things and say things on a daily basis that cause him, and others, to feel stupid.  And when we were in the kitchen afterwards, I did something and he said "That.  That right there.  That's what I am talking about."  And I said "Whoah, I don't even realize I am doing it."  I say things like that out of frustration because I am overwhelmed.  Things like "It's not in there, it's in here!"  And other shit like that.  He does the same thing, but he learned it from me.  And I learned it from my jackass mother.  And she probably learned it from her jackass mother.  Generational emotional abuse, yay!  

So yeah, that's something I need to work on.  I need to pull back, reassess what I am feeling in the moment when I feel myself getting frustrated, and respond, instead of react.  I mean, I don't talk like that to my youngest son.  So I can do better.  I talk about my mother never doing her best with me, but I apparently do not do my best with my oldest son (and my husband) either.  So I need to work harder at that.  He deserves a better mother and to be treated better, even if he can't do the same for others.  But he can.  He just has certain days where his emotions run high and he gets super overwhelmed and he lashes out.  He has rejection sensitive dysphoria (and I do too, I just get super depressed, rather than angry) and I need to learn the right way to diffuse the situation, rather than throw more gasoline on it.  Which I somehow always do.  

Both my kids, myself, and my husband have autism.  So it's really hard dealing with your own asperger's issues and trying to navigate everyone else's, too.  But luckily, I am higher on the spectrum and can get a hold of my emotions when I have to.  I just need to learn to do it more.  

So my mantra for today (even though my mom did try to interfere with our cooking and pissed off my kids) is: 

"Know your limits, but also know the limits of those you love".  And when either he, or I, are pushed passed our limits, we tend to get pretty angry.  So the trick is to walk away before your limits are pushed too far, and the same goes for their limits, as well.  Walking away, taking a break, is a great way to calm down and think straight.  I love my kids and my hubby more than life and I do not want to be the cause of their pain.  And I want to be able to help my son (and everyone I love) by learning how to diffuse a situation before it gets worse.  So I will be reading up on some autism parenting books and see what I can find out.  Though, like I said, walking away is a great tool, though it doesn't always work.  I wish I still had a (good) therapist, so I could run this by them.  Oh well, though.  I'll figure it out by reading, like I do with most things LOL  

So dinner is done and mother only complimented the one thing nobody liked: my sweet potato casserole.  There was zero flavor and it was gross.  But that was pretty much the only thing she said she liked.  But only after we all were saying how gross it was.  Of course.  

Also, I realized today, though this is something I realize every single year, I fucking hate Thanksgiving food.  Like, I honestly HATE it.  I have since childhood.  There is not a single traditional meal that my family makes that I like.  Turkey being the biggest thing I hate.  I hope tomorrow's turkey sandwiches will be better than today's turkey dinner.  Yuck.  So, I have decided, along with my husband, who also hates it, and also with my kids: we are done with Thanksgiving.  From now on, we're going to make something we love instead, if we do anything at all.  Next year, mother will either be in a home or her dementia will be worse, so she won't even remember it's Thanksgiving, so we'll be able to cook anything we like.  Earlier in the week, she was actually angry at the kids because they wanted to smoke the turkey.  I fucking hate holidays because of her.  She either ruins everything by being horrible or I fear she will be horrible so I am on edge all day, which contributed to my bad mood earlier.  Which I know is my fault, but if we didn't have to celebrate anything with her, then I wouldn't fear it and I'd be much happier.  Sigh.  Well, I found a way to buy cheap land (though not the land yet) so I hope come this March or so, we'll be able to find something and get working on our escape plan.  Mother in a home.  We on our own land.  Fingers crossed.