COGWSH is the mantra that came up in yesterday's post that reads "a mother can only give what she has".  Granted, this mantra can apply to all humans, but right now, we're concentrating on narc moms.  So mine stands for "can only give what she has".  

And today, I really needed to use it.  

So, my mom has an issue with things that break.  If something doesn't work, it must be broken, and now we have to throw it away.  This is how she's always lived her life and it's not a dementia issue.  She has thrown away clocks, remotes, radios, and most recently, she tried to throw away her glucose monitor.  

And every single one of these items only needed batteries.  

Now, her dementia makes her understanding when you're talking to her worse, and she gets agitated because she doesn't get it.  So that part, I get.  But today, she was having a HUGE fit because her coffee pot was broken.  She was even knocking on my door before my husband woke up, which really annoyed me, like it was an emergency.  "CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME TO THE STORE TO GET A COFFEE POT???!!"  Good lord.  

So my son said "We'll buy you one one Amazon."  And she replied "I NEED IT NOW!!  OR ELSE YOU WON'T LIKE WHO I BECOME IF I DON'T HAVE MY COFFEE!!"  Hell, ma, I already don't like you, so that's not even a threat.  

I didn't say that, of course, but I was sure thinking it.  Okay, I said it, but to my husband, who laughed.  

Anyways, she then goes online and finds a coffee pot and tells my son "I WANT THIS ONE.  TELL YOUR MOTHER!"  He looks over her shoulder and says "Grandma, that's $70.  We don't have $70 to spend on a coffee pot.  That's crazy."  She just glared at him in rage, almost in tears.  He said "Grandma, are you upset?  We're going to go buy you one, but just not that one, okay/"  "NO!" she replied.  "I DO NOT WANT ANY THEN!"  He was confused by her reaction.  "Um, yeah, we'll still need to buy you one.  We'll go get one in a little bit."  She screams "NO!!!  I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING IF I CAN'T HAVE THIS ONE!  DON'T BUY ME ANYTHING AT ALL!!!"  He didn't know what the fuck was going on, so he left the room to come and tell me about it.  

I was getting dressed by then and went out into the kitchen and looked in her coffee pot.  Which was full of coffee grounds in the basket without a filter.  "Ma, you have to wash this stuff out.  It's clogging up your machine."  She came into the room and said "I DID."  So I showed her the basket full of grounds and she said "WELL THAT CAME FROM THE BACK!"  I said "It doesn't matter where it came from, that's what's clogging up your coffee maker and why it's not working.  You need to wash the entire thing out."  She screamed back "I....DID...!!!!"  Obviously she didn't (you should see all the dirty dishes in our cupboards I need to rewash practically daily because she insists on "washing" them--I assume with air, since it doesn't look like soap or water).  But I washed it out for her and then it worked.  I said "Look, it's working."  She just crinkled her nose at the idea that I fixed it and and growled "We'll see about that."  And of course, it worked fine.  

And the entire time, I was fed up and angry with her aggressive behavior, but when I went back into my room, I said to myself "she can only give me what she has to give."  My mother is a ball of angry, irritated, narcissistic energy who has a shopping addiction, and had her mind set on going to the store to go shopping for not only a new coffeemaker, but a whole load of whatever was swirling around in her head.  Shopping is how she gets high, and she has ZERO understanding of how money works.  So getting angry at her for asking for a $70 dollar coffee maker would be almost silly, because I know how that her brain is incapable of understanding adult things such as "paying bills" and "getting the fucking house repaired" (right now we have two bathrooms without floors or vanities, because we had a sewage backup).  And getting angry at her getting angry that she could not buy that expensive coffeemaker is also silly, because, like I said, she's full of nothing but negativity and anger.  She cannot give me what she doesn't have.  And she does NOT have a rational or adult bone in her body (okay, she has old lady bones, but rather, she doesn't have an adult mind).  So getting angry at her anger, is like getting angry your four year old is mad you said no they can't buy a toy.  It's the same thing.  We feel it's different because they are our parents and they are supposed to act like adults.  But they can't.  She's a little kid in an old lady's body, she's mentally stunted, so how can she give me anything like an adult?  

So I just kept that mantra in my head and it made me feel better and I let it go. 

Then later, she was bugging me about something else stupid, and I got annoyed again.  But now I am letting it go, because I am remembering my mantra.  It won't always work every single time, but I am going to do my best and see if I can make this mantra a habit.  

Because, what other choice do I have?  Go crazy?  Nah, I'll leave that to her. 

Now, I may not blog on days she's being good.  I will try, but mostly it will only be when she's acting up.  Which is pretty much daily anymore.  Sigh.  Fun fun fun.