Okay, so I'm going to start a new mantra today.  Today's new mantra, which I will also use for the rest of the 30 days (and beyond) is something I learned today.  

When I got today, I had forgotten it was Thanksgiving tomorrow.  See, my mother is usually up everyone's ass about the holidays and getting stuff done, so much so, I have no idea how to be my own person during them.  I don't even know how to defrost a freaking turkey.  But after the past several years of my mother cooking us rotten, expired, and undercooked food (and us always getting sick afterwards), I said no more.  Not only that, she's a RAGING BITCH in the kitchen.  She acts as though cooking so much food is so freaking stressful, and nobody else can do it but her.  But she's wrong, and it's not hard, or complicated or insane, and if your kitchen isn't full of idiots trying to tell you what to do, then there is zero reason to get overwhelmed and scream at everyone.  Which is how I get when she's in the fucking kitchen and trying to cook while I am cooking.  I don't scream at anyone, but I want to.  

So today, she didn't speak to me until later, and when she did, she got bitchy with me about buying her cigarettes.  I said I'd do it, but she was going on about it, and acting really annoyed.  So apparently my mother doesn't like getting scolded like she did yesterday.  Oh well.  

So my son and I took all the food out, and made all the sides and the pie and the fudge, and it took us only like an hour and nobody was stressed out.  We listened to holiday music and it was so calm and peaceful.  Why?  Because my crazy ass mother was in her room with the door shut.  At first, I got all annoyed about it, her ignoring us, because she's mad that I said I am cooking Thanksgiving this year, not her.  Funny, you wish for something, but then it happens, and all you can do it worry that things are going to blow up later.  

Why do we do that?  Why do we feel like we're doing something wrong when they ignore us?  So I turned to myself and thought "What am I even doing?  I am not freaking responsible for her moods or her emotional behavior.  If she wants to be mad, that has nothing to do with me."  And I let it go and ended up having a great time cooking with my son.  And when my mother finally came out of her room, I even joked around with her and thanked her for taking the recycling out.  It felt so good to let it go and not let my mind spin out of control about her mood, whether she was angry or not.  I need to stop taking responsibility for her moods.  I need to stop let her moods dictate mine.  We are separate people.  Not one.  Growing up always taking her moods as my own, it's a very hard thing to stop doing.  But it can be done.  Which is why this is my new mantra for the month (and beyond).  

So today has been a good day.  I hope tomorrow is, too.