So today I have barely spoken to my mom.  Not for any reason, but some days she shuts the door in her room, so I don't see her much.  Remember: I am in my room for a lot of the day, too, due to her not letting me have any space in the house at all to myself unless it's my bedroom.  Or unless I am in the garage and have the door locked.  Last year, I didn't even get that.  I'd go in the garage to escape her a lot and she would either follow me out there, or come out the front door and turn the corner to the garage and smoke right by the open doorway, knowing I am allergic.  This behavior is what keeps me prisoner in my room.  I am not allowed to be anywhere without her disrupting me.  And when I say in my room, I mean with my door shut.  Last week, I had the door open, and she immediately walked right into my room and sat on my bed.  I finally got her to stop (again) opening my door without permission, and now she just doesn't open it at all.  All because she opened my door to let my cat in many weeks ago while I was eating lunch (yes, I have to eat meals in my room, too) and I screamed because he's a little shit who will steal the food off your plate, so I freaked out and chased him around my room, all while yelling, and then throwing him out and saying "DO NOT let a single animal in my room again!  If they want to come in, I will open the door for them.  Period."  And she hasn't touched my door since.  

All it takes is for me to freak out.  

And I HATE freaking out.  I HATE having to yell at her, but she refuses to listen to my boundaries and rules unless I do.  

Today has been no different.

So, I was cooking dinner and she goes out to smoke and I knew, I just KNEW, she was going to come right back in and sit at the table and not leave.  My rule is (if you read yesterday's post) if you smoke, you go air out before coming into the room where I am.  And she came right in and turned to sit down.  I said "Hey, you need to go air out first, ma.  You just smoked."  She mumbled something to me and sat right down.  And so I didn't back down, because that's what my mother wants.  She wants to push me until I just give up and let her do whatever she likes.  She thinks if she can't smell herself (she has no sense of smell or taste--which actually works to trick her when I have to, read about it here), then nobody should have an issue with the way she smells.  I have boundaries for a reason.  I am allergic to smoke, but also, my sinuses are SUPER sensitive to the smell of smoke (and hot vinegar, bleach, Windex, most other cleaners, hot peppers, etc.).  And my mother picks the cherries off her cigarettes (for you non-smokers, it's the light part of the tobacco), which makes her REEK like an ashtray. 

So I got super frustrated and said "You still stink, ma.  I can still smell you no matter if you are right next to me or across the room.  I can't stand it."  She just sat there and ignored me.  So I said, even though I wanted so scream at her, "Well, why don't you smoke your vape at dinner time so I can't smell you?"  She replies "I can't smoke that, I choke and cough when I do."  I said "Kind of the way I react to smelling cigarette smoke, right?"  She just ignored me some more.  So I said "Well, I guess it doesn't matter what I want."  And I proceeded to cook in silence.  Angry, rage filled silence, but silence nonetheless.  Then right when dinner was done, she got up and said "I will get out of your hair now."  I just freaking glared at her.  I said "Well, now you don't smell anymore and dinner is done, so it doesn't matter anymore."  I served her dinner, and went to my room to eat, and haven't spoken to her since.  

So today, the mantra "she can only give what she has"?  DOES NOT APPLY.  Okay, it does, but I don't care.  She was being a horrible bitch to me and now I am going to have to go into "PUT MY GODDAMNED FOOT DOWN" mode refuse to make her dinner if she going to be in the room while I cook after she smokes.

So first, as I always do, I give myself time to cool off.  That means I am going to premake a bunch of dinners for her tonight so I can avoid having to confront her yet.  Then when I do cook later in the week, I am going to lay down the law.  I am going to say "Listen.  I cannot cook dinner for you anymore if you are going to smoke and then sit in the room after.  So here's the deal.  You can smoke all you like, but you are not allowed to sit in the kitchen with me while I cook.  You can read your book in your room from 4:30 on.  Before that, you can read in the kitchen all you like.  But from 4:30 on, I will have the kitchen to cook in."  See, she's been taking to coming out of her room at 4:30 to come read while I start her dinner.  Which is annoying as fuck, because she doesn't read, she runs he mouth.  She makes nothing but constant noise whenever she thinks people can hear her.  She says nothing at all when she's alone.  NOTHING.  But the moment she thinks people can hear her?  She will just make noise.  She will have full conversations with the cats, and say the same the things over and over and over again, just trying to make as much noise as possible.  Some might say this is dementia, but she's always done this.  She wants attention and she wants to take all the attention of whatever you're doing away from you, so you pay attention to her.  If she hears us talking in any room, she will start yelling loudly to talk over us, whether we are inside or out.  I stopped letting her do it, too  I started talking more loudly to show her that people are talking already, and it's not her turn to speak.  

I am shaking right now because I just screamed at her.  And I told her that I hate that she makes me scream at her because she can't just do as I ask the moment I ask it.  She then blamed her dementia on it, stating "I can't always remember".  I laughed (a rage filled laugh) and said "DO NOT LIE TO ME.  I ask you in the moment to stop standing in the room with me after you smoke, and you refuse to leave.  so that is not your dementia, mother, it's your obstinance and defiance and you being angry at me for placing rules on you."  She said "Well, I.  Am.  Sorry." in a defiant voice.  I said "No.  You.  Are.  Not."  She said "Oh Shay, why would you say I am not??"  I said "Because you push me to the point of having to yell at you.  You can't ever just do something because I ask you to.  If you were sorry, you wouldn't get angry every single time I ask you to leave the room.  That's defiance, mom, not sorry."  And then I added "If it were Mr. Brooks (my husband) asking you to leave the room, you'd do it immediately, no questions asked.  But when I do, you refuse to."  She just replied "Good.  Night." in her little defiant child voice.  

There was so much more said than this.  But every single response from her I got was lies.  And that part?  Is where the mantra comes in.  My mother has NO idea how to tell the truth or be honest.  She lies about EVERYTHING.  So that part?  Doesn't offend me.  I know she only lies.  She is incapable of telling the truth.  She can only give me what she has.  And all she has is lies.  So that doesn't bother me (all of her responses to me tonight were lies).  My entire purpose for yelling at her was so she quits doing it.  I don't care she doesn't love me enough to care that it makes me sick.  That's understandable as my mother is incapable of love, period.  I care that she doesn't respect me when I ask her to do something.  So, like a parent of a shitty little kid who doesn't listen, I don't need her to respect me, but she WILL listen to me (funny, I never had to be that kind of parent with my own children, as they weren't shitty little kids--well, not all the time LOL, not like my mother is).  If I have to stop making her good dinners all together and only serve her microwave meals, then that's what it will come to (now, when I make her microwave meals, I always, always make extra food to make the meal more well-rounded, like I make extra rice or potatoes or veggies).  But I guess now she's only going to get microwave meals for a bit, because I refuse to cook lavish meals for her.  

But the issue isn't only me cooking for her.  I make our dinner (me and my kids) after hers, and she always goes out and smokes once again, and then comes in and stands by me or mucks about in the kitchen knowing damn well she's making me sick.  So I guess for the rest of the week, we'll either be eating really late or going out to eat (oh shit, it's Thanksgiving this week, so never mind on that).  

So I guess I only have to worry about tomorrow.  Well, then, I guess we're eating out tomorrow, because fuck being here to smell her ashtray scent.  Or dealing with her or listening to her fake apologies.  I am not listening to that crap, nor am I having it.  If she says she's sorry, my response will be "It doesn't matter if you are sorry, what matters is that you respect the fact that smell makes me really sick and you leave the room after you smoke."  This past week, she's tried to talk to me so many times after smoking, knowing damn well it bothers me, as well as getting really angry when I enforce that boundary.  And tonight, she basically admitted she doesn't like to follow my rules and that I was being silly putting rules on her.  As though me protecting myself from her hurting me (because making my sinuses flare up and making me cough IS hurting me) is too much for me to be asking of her.  

All I have to say to that is...what a fucking narcissist. 

So, apparently, just like everything else in my life, I have to FIGHT to protect myself from her.  I had to put a lock on my bedroom door because she kept barging in.  I have to keep my bedroom door closed, because she thinks it's free reign to just come into my room whenever she likes or bother me while I am working.  I have to spend all my time in my room in the first place, because if I don't, she has ZERO respect for whatever it is I am doing and will use every second of my time that she thinks I am available to her to give her attention, do her bidding, or listen to her random rambling.  I have conversations with her.  I allow her to ramble or say whatever she likes.  But she thinks every instance she sees me is fair game to suck up all my time.  Last year?  She used to run around the house, screaming my name, trying to find me, just so she could suck up my time.  

When I lived a block away from her I had to keep denying her requests to get a key to my house, because she thought she was allowed to intrude on my life whenever possible.  When she was in a nursing home earlier this year, she would call me to come and pick up her laundry to wash it for her, or to drop off snacks for her and her friends....even though the home she was at was almost forty-five minutes away!!  

My mother sees me an extension of herself.  And I am not allowed to have my own requests or feelings, since she doesn't agree with me.  I am an object to her.  All of which I understand.  And I accept that.  She can only give that to me, since everyone is an object to her, just in different ways.  

But I refuse to allow her to try to keep hurting me.  April of 2022 cannot come soon enough, when is the month my husband can start applying for jobs in HR.  And when he gets one, we will start looking for land to buy.  And today, I just learned how to buy land for not only cheap, but with no money and bad credit (though we have semi-decent credit).  And that excites me to no end :)  

Okay, well, this is Thankgiving week at the Brooks' house.  Fun!