When you have a parent with NPD and dementia, you honestly can't always tell the difference.  I guess it's more of a judgement call, than anything, and it depends on how much it matters or not.  Small, stupid non-truths aren't much of a big deal, but they do add up over time (and they get exhausting).  But the bigger non-truths need to be dealt with, especially if they are negative things being said to others about you.  And how you deal with it depends on the situation.  If you are low-contact, you don't need to deal with it at all.  If it's something that can affect your life, then you need to deal with it at whatever end it's doing the most damage.  

Mostly, I deal with the small, stupid non-truths.  I could, and most likely should, say they are caused by dementia.  But at the same time, she's always done this.  Told little white lies about the past that just aren't true.  She thinks her memory is top-notch and has gaslight me into believing her several times, where I am questioning my own memory.  But now, after dealing with it head on for the past year and a half, I can clearly see that about 98% (my own estimate) of what comes out of her mouth is an non-truth.  Even when she argues until she's blue in the face about it.  I used to think her adamancy towards her truth meant she was right.  Now I know it's a narcissistic tactic meant to undermine me (or others) into believing whatever crap she's saying.  

We recently had a huge sewer line back up into the house and had to have both bathrooms gutted (which they are still are as of this writing).  And mother went on and on about how when our basement was flooded when I was a teenager, how the insurance paid to have the entire basement fixed and how they put a new floor in and blah blah blah.  And I looked at her and said "No they didn't ma, they didn't fix anything at all.  It was my bedroom and I had a concrete floor after that.  I had nothing replaced, and nothing was fixed.  But you guys still got the insurance money."  She said "Oh yeah, that must be because it wasn't a sewage leak."  I just shook my head and left it alone, because that sentence made no sense.  Getting my floor replaced, or any of my stuff or even getting a new bed (the pipe burst right over my bed and ruining it) had nothing to do with sewage water.  It was the fact that my parents took all the money to spend on themselves, and I got nothing.  But I wasn't going to say that to her, because there is no reason now to even care about it.  But still, she likes to make up complete lies about the past, and remember things that totally didn't happen, all because it sounds good in her mind.  And she's done that since I've been a child.  

But again, confusion or lies, when it comes to stupid little non-truths like that, what does it matter?  I just correct her and move on.  Sometimes I don't even correct her, because it doesn't matter (though I do usually, because I have aspergers and I don't really like people speaking non-truths when I know they are wrong).  Though I normally do it in a polite way, so I don't spark an argument with her.

Except when she's being stupid and/or bossy.  

Like earlier this year, when she was throwing a fit about planting, telling me I wasn't allowing her to plant anywhere in the yard, and I said "You get every single part of the yard in the back and the front, ma.  You're being ridiculous.  I am the one who's not allowed to plant anything.  Last year, you didn't even let me plant my own food plants in the garden.  You even got angry with me for planting my lilac bushes last year, because you wanted to plant something where I planted them.  You told me that I should have told you that I was planting them, because now you can't plant anything there."  And she literally screamed in a rage, while stomping her feet (I am serious, she stomps her feet when she wants to really make you believe in her anger) "I DID NOT!!"  And I knew it was true, because it had been less than a year since it happened.  And all of a sudden, I realized, when she is adamant about her "truth" she's screaming at you, she's still lying.  She's just trying to push you hard enough to make you shut up.  But I didn't.  And I replied "You did, too, ma.  Stop trying to make believe something you can't remember correctly.  You're the one with dementia here, not me."  Yes.  When she's being utterly ridiculous about lying, I do throw that at her.  But in a joking way.  Even though I actually mean it.  I am not trying to be mean in these instances, but I don't run around in my life thinking I am always right.  If fact, I am usually the first person in a conversation to back off if someone else thinks they are right.  Even if I know I am right.  But I am so sick of that.  Sick of letting the know-it-alls and narcissists of the world pretend they know everything when they just don't.  It makes you feel small, to always be told you're wrong.  But so much of the time I am not wrong.  And I say nothing.  So now I don't back down anymore, if I know I am right about something.  It's not about it being important to be right.  It's about the fact that's it important to not always back down to others.  To show yourself that your words are worth standing up for.  Not every single time.  But more than never doing it at all.  So sometimes, I jokingly remind my mother she has dementia when I need to.  She laughs, which lightens the mood in our conversation (but not always).  Sometimes she needs to remember that her memory is not always right.  And it also helps her not to feel stupid for mixing things up like she does.

She the replied to my comment with some off-the-wall explanation that made zero sense as to why I was wrong, and I just rolled my eyes at her and said "Whatever you say.  Even though you're wrong."  And I walked away, leaving her to fume by herself.  

I didn't have to add in the last part, but I cannot stand having her always believe she's right.  I mean, if I didn't live with her, it'd be so much easier to not give two squats.  But dealing with her every single day, day in and day out, it really wears on a person's nerves.  And so I get my relief by never letting her think I believe her bullshit when she's blatantly wrong.  I don't argue with her.  I just acknowledge the truth and leave it at that.  I don't argue.  I just say my peace and either don't answer her or move onto some other topic of conversation.  Because it does no good to argue with someone who is wrong.  

Which is why I never understood why atheists and Christians ever have debates (like Bill Nye and Ken Hamm).  You can't argue against something you don't believe in.  Which is why I never do, even though Christians try to goad me into debates all the time (even strangers!).  Granted, things that happened that you can remember is a very different subject than non-belief vs. belief.  As the first is a usually a truth vs. non-truth (though sometimes we can remember things wrong).  And belief isn't really about truth, as much as it's about belief.  But still.  If both sides think they're right, then move on and let both sides think what they want.  There is no use in debating or arguing about it.  

Which is how I feel about most conversations with narcissists.  What is the use in falling prey to their games?  Why let them get you into a debate over something when you can't express yourself because they most likely won't let you?  So just walk away.  For as much as I say I don't let her get away with lying to me, I normally don't even engage about the rest of it.  I just say "Okay, mom.  I'll look into that."  Or "That sounds cool."  Later, she usually forgets she bothered me about something.  I do correct her lies, but just in case she's confused due to dementia, I do it nicely, because I honestly can't tell anymore.  But more often than lying to me, she's trying to pull me into her drama about something she wants me to do that doesn't make sense to do, and I just say "Okay, that sounds good."  Or "I'll look into that later."  Like this bathroom thing.  I don't know how much repairs will be.  And I said if they are too much, I'll do it myself.  And now she's having a fit about it.  It's not her money.  And nothing of hers got broken.  So I don't know why she thinks she needs to involve herself in the decision making.  But instead of saying that, I say "Oh, we'll see."  And "I'll have to see how expensive it will get."  And so forth.  It's not working too well, but she does keep quiet for a little bit about it.  

The entire point of this post is to ask, how do you know if your aging narcissist with dementia is lying or confused?  And the answer is that it just doesn't matter.  If they are wrong, they are wrong. 

I know how hard it is to feel like you're always being lied to.  Because we have been lied to, for our entire lives.  So I get that feeling of  "ARRRRGGHGHHHH!  They are lying again!!  Will they ever stop???"  But there comes a point when you have to learn to say "It's okay if they are lying, because it doesn't matter anymore.  I look at them with pity, as an old, feeble, human being who doesn't have much time left.  One day, sooner as opposed to later, they will not be here anymore, and I will be left to deal with what they left behind.  So right now, I am going to concentrate on the truth, and my mental wellbeing, over caring if they are still lying to me or not.  Because by caring if they are lying to me, they win.  And I am sick of losing."  

Their entire existence is wrapped up in bothering and hurting others.  So stop letting them win.  And just know you're right and let that be enough and walk away.  You will mentally and emotionally be so much better off for it.  

Know that I am also reminding myself of this as much as I am telling you this, too.  I need to just let it all go, all that negative behavior of hers.  I do, for the most part, but sometimes I still get hung up on stuff, due to being triggered from childhood.  Something I have been working on lately and doing a lot better at.  

I am getting some shadow work and IFS workbooks and the such and I'll be posting some exercises here on the blog, that I hope you join me in doing, as well.  Until then.