Today I was watching Patrick Tehan on YouTube, as he's one of my all time favorite YouTubers when it comes to healing from parental narcissism.  Here is the video I watched: 

9 Recovery Tools For Childhood Trauma - YouTube

And I really liked all of them, but then we get to number 1, and that's to get out.  Meaning to get out of the living situation and/or relationship with your abuser.  He argues that you cannot heal if you are still being abused.

And that hit me like a ton of bricks, because I still live with my narcissistic mother.  Not only do I live with her, she still abuses me, albeit so much less than she did earlier in the year, but even so, she still does it.  Not only that, even when she's not abusing me, I find myself reacting to her internally as though she still is, which is not good for my mental health.  

And the only way I healed from my father's abuse was because I was finally ready twelve entire years after his death.  So, um, am I truly fucked here?  Do I need to move in order to start healing?

Here's the issue: I am actively working on my escape plan for my family, which I have been for many months now.  Which is something Patrick says to do.  But from what I can gather, and I may be wrong here, he seems to be saying that working on healing useless until you are you in a safe place away from your abuser.  And I just don't agree with that.  

I mean yes, you cannot fully heal while you are still being abused because you need to process your current abuse before you can heal.  But there is no such thing as "fully healing".  We are all in a lifetime process of healing our childhood abuse.  We can be healed enough that our wounds do not always reopen, but there will be times when they do, for the rest of our lives.  Trauma sticks with us and never fully leaves us.  And that's okay.  It's as much a part of us as our eye color or our freckles, though maybe not always as noticeable.  It doesn't make us broken or bad or shameful.  It makes us strong and wiser.  But it also makes gives us the unique opportunity to help others going through the same thing.

But you can learn to love yourself and heal from childhood trauma even if you are still living with your parents or other abuser.  Especially if you build boundaries to the point of them backing off a bit from their normal behavior (which is not always possible for everyone--and can sometimes makes things worse, depending on the narcissist in your life).

Don't get me wrong, I am so ready for my family to be living our own life  away from her, and will be as soon as our finances allow us to (and as soon as we have RV's or something similar to escape to, which you can read about in my next blog post, which has the details of our escape plan).  But I can still work on my healing, so not all hope is lost.  In fact, I have healed while living here.  I have also been retriggered out the anus, but I taught myself through being retriggered from all my childhood trauma, that I am now able to control the situation.  Whereas as a child, I could not.  

It's been super healing in that way.  As a child, I had to endure.  And when we first lived here, I also thought I had to endure, because I totally reverted back to my old, abused self.  But after dealing with it in an adult and appropriate way, I found that I don't have to endure shit!  I can walk away.  I can talk back.  I can speak my fucking mind.  I can do whatever the hell I want to, I am a grown ass adult (though I do not act reactionary to her, as that will make me the bad guy, and I am not the bad guy here).  I do not have to endure her bullshit for one more second.  And I let her know that, when I have to.  Do you realize just how healing that is?  I didn't until just now.  I mean, I experienced it but I didn't think about it until this very moment.  That me being able to step into my childhood self, as I did when we first moved in (oh god, I restarted old anxiety symptoms I hadn't experienced since childhood), and then be able to step out of that role as helpless child and then step into my role as a forty-four year old adult women has been miraculous.  And I think it will speed my recovery from her abuse, and it won't take me twelve years to move on after her death, as it did with my father.  I may never be able to forgive her the way I did with my dad, but I don't feel that matters anymore.  I could forgive my dad, because he felt remorse for every single bad thing he did.  Doesn't excuse it, but at least he had a human response to it all.  Whereas my mother has zero remorse (she does have shame though, which keeps her acting the way she does).  So I don't need to forgive her.  But if I do, I'll take that, too.  Whatever happens, happens.  

Now, not all people have the ability to have the same situation I have going on for me.  Some people are still stuck in a financial whirlpool with their abuser, where they are dependent on them.  And we were financially dependent on her for a very long time, so I know exactly how that feels.  You are trapped.  But while you are working on a way to untrap yourself and become free of this person, do not think working on healing yourself is useless.  And I don't think Patrick meant that, by any means, but the way he said it, it really freaked me out for a moment, thinking I was trapped all over again.  But I am not.  I can free myself by working on me while I am waiting for us to make our escape from her.

Here are some books Patrick suggested to help with your healing (from another video of his), as well as a few of my own that have helped me (not affiliate links): 

Inner Child Books:

Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child: Paul, Margaret: 9780062507105: Amazon.com: Books

The Inner Bonding Workbook: Six Steps to Healing Yourself and Connecting with Your Divine Guidance: Paul, Margaret, Thomas, Katherine Woodward: 9781684033188: Amazon.com: Books

6 Steps to Total Self-Healing: The Inner Bonding Process: Paul Ph.D., Margaret: 9781722505059: Amazon.com: Books

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child: Bradshaw, John: 8601417141380: Amazon.com: Books

The Inner Child Workbook: What to do with your past when it just won't go away: Taylor, Cathryn L.: 9780874776355: Amazon.com: Books

On Adulting

Healthy Parenting: How Your Upbringing Influences the Way You Raise Your Children, and What You Can Do to Make It Better for Them: Woititz, Janet G.: 9780671739492: Amazon.com: Books

Amazon.com: Codependent No More: Practical 2021 Guidance to Fix Your Codependency, Stop Being a People Pleaser, and Start Loving Yourself: 9798701738087: Nedelcu, Andrei: Books

Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You - Kindle edition by Lancer, Darlene. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

The Voice of Knowledge: A Practical Guide to Inner Peace: Don Miguel Ruiz, Janet Mills: 9781878424549: Amazon.com: Books   (this book changed my life, and I should read it again soon)

No One Is To Blame: Freedom From Compulsive Self-Defeating Behavior: Bob Hoffman: 9780831400576: Amazon.com: Books  (this one is out of print, BUT you can get it from Scribd for nothing if you get their free subscription)

Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide to Your Inner Life - Kindle edition by Holmes, Tom, Eckstein, Sharon, Holmes, Lauri. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com. (I cannot recommend this book, and all other IFS books enough!!!)  

So while I will still update my mother's behavior here, as like I said, this blog is for keeping a record of what's going on with her, I need to switch back more into healing mode, as I was when I was no contact with her.  I do not need to wallow in her inanity, just because I live with her.  I am important, too.  As is my healing.  So I will be working within these books to bring us some great healing exercises that you can do, too.  

I think concentrating on healing while you are living with your abuser is important, because it keeps your mind on what matters the most: your healing, rather than on them.  But also concentrate on your escape plan at the same time.  Because that is just as important, too.  

Good luck, my friends.  And let me know what's going on in your life below.