I am adopted.  I met my birthmother when I was twenty-two, and have been friends with her since (I am now 44).  She calls me her daughter, which I do not like, but I cannot say that, because I do not like confrontation.  I fear irrational responses or being ignored, so I don't say anything and just suffer and complain about it.  Which is stupid, I know, but when you're abused, most of the way you react to things isn't how you should be reacting.  And it's not our fault, though we can fix it once we know what's going on.  Though, it's not like it's an overnight fix, that once you know what's going on, you do better.  It takes time and practice and hard work.  

So, I used to think I was attention seeking by "needing an audience for my pain".  That's what I used to call it.  I'd post on Facebook or call up my friends, just to decompress about another person who was mean to me.  So when I quit doing that on social media (by deleting all my friends LOL), I assumed that the flaw was inside of me (and it was, but not for the reason I thought), that I was somehow a bit "toxic" myself (and at times, I really was) or that I was "attention seeking".  Someone would make me mad, someone would cross me, or someone would be super rude to me or do something nasty to me and I would immediately take to social media and post about it.  And as I aged, I mellowed out and got better about that behavior.  But a few years ago, I was going through some shit with my mother and posted about it online and my birthmother thought it was wise to message me to tell me that I was "spiraling out of control" and I was being horrible negative and making her feel bad, even though what I posted had nothing to do with her.  

Um.  What?  Yeah, so the woman hardly ever spoke to me and decided to just up and message me, scolding me like a little girl.  And it wasn't really nice stuff, either, what she said.  It was some shit that nobody had ever said to me before, and it really, really hurt my feelings and made me feel terrible about myself (I have ADHD, so that means I get rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is a horrible reaction to negative things with either massive depression or rage...I get the depression part, and sometimes it can last all day--and we're talking horrible depression, not just being sad).

And the old me, the really young me, would have freaked the fuck out on her (I used to be more rageful).  As a teenager, I was a bit toxic (okay, more than a bit).  But I grew up in nothing but toxicity so I had no idea how else to function.  But the thirtysomething year old me took a step back and said "I am so confused by your comment since you are not my mother, so why would you think you can talk to me like that?  And if you were my mother, the same applies.  Instead, you could ask me what's wrong, rather than telling me I am too "negative" for you to be friends with on Facebook anymore.  That's just rude."

And we stopped being friends on Facebook anyways, but she did end up apologizing.  And then she promptly went another so many years without speaking to me (during the pandemic, she never checked on me once, I had to check in on her).

But her words stayed with me until today.  She made me feel broken, uneven, not right,  That I was somehow "too much".  Overpowering.  Annoying.  That I should be ashamed of who I was.  And I was ashamed of myself.  I had been for my entire life.  And I still am about a lot of things.  But her hurtful words made it so much very worse.  

I am sure a lot of you out there know exactly how that feels.  We, adult daughters and sons of narcissists, many of us have been accused of being "too much" since the dawn of time.  Just because we have big emotions and we don't hide them from others.  The funny part is that her mother, my grandmother, is a raging narcissist, and yet my birthmother cannot see it.  So there she was, scolding me for feeling too much when she didn't feel much at all.  She was, and is, content to live in a space of her own making, that requires her to wear rose-colored glasses and pretend that everyone around her has her best interests at heart.  She's more codependent than I ever was, and has fallen for catfishers left and right on the internet.  One time, she invited to participate with her online on her favorite space to be in (though outdated today, but she still uses it): Second Life, where she just sat intertwined with some random man on couch, and completely ignored me.  Because that's who she is.  Someone who gives birth to someone yet forgets her fortieth birthday and many other birthdays too.  Who will send Christmas gifts to my kids in the mail for years, then just out of the blue stops for no reason.  And she wants to say I am the chaotic one.

But while she made me angry for triggering my feelings of shame about who I am, I have to remember one thing: we are both victims of maternal narcissistic abuse.  So neither one of us is going to act right.  Not until we heal and understand what is going on with us.  

My anger, and need for others to validate my pain, probably triggered her.  And that's why she messaged me to say what she did.  And she can't help being codependent.  Hell, I could even make the point that she wasn't even at fault for her own stupid choices in life, but we all know that we all need to be responsible for our choices in life, whether we are at fault for what caused us to make them or not.  So her abandoning me with strangers at six months old was her choice and her choice alone (and it really was...she literally fought in court for her right to do so).  So that I can't really argue it away with "oh she was abused", because I was abused, and I would never abandon my child (if you're going to do so, do it at birth, not at six months old, like she did with me, and make sure they are somewhere safe).  Because the minute we start rationalizing away people's choices (or our own choices) by saying "oh, but they were abused", is the minute we make narcissistic abuse okay.  And we all know it's not.

But my need for an audience for my pain was never actually "needing an audience" for anything.  It was always about connection.  It was how I grew up.  It was how I was taught to connect to others.  With gossip.  With complaining.  With commiserating.  And I craved connection so much.  I also think that type of connection is addicting, because it give us a little "high" in our brains, lights up our prefrontal cortex, every single time we do it.  I know this because every time someone does something bad to me?  I have this URGE to tell others about it.  Right now, I am addicted to complaining about every little thing my mother does to me.  I finally broke my addiction in 2017 when I went no contact with her the last time (I've been NC twice with her, though the first time she was the one not talking to me).  But I was still addicted to doing this with my friends.  It was literally the only way I knew for my entire life how to connect with others.  I've actually had friendships that revolved around talking shit about someone (a mutual friend of ours, a group of five of us, lied and said he had cancer and we created a social media group to share stories about his lies...once we were done, none of us had anything in common and never spoke to each other again).  

So my birthmother's perception of me was that I was "spiraling out of control", I was just being my normal self and could not understand why she would say such thing.  But something in my behavior triggered her.  I think she kept and keeps control in her life by not accessing her emotions much at all.  She certainly has no idea how to be my family member and could have cared less when I wrote her a poem the first time I met her when I was twenty-two about how I was grateful she walked away from me because I wouldn't have the life I had if she had made a different choice.  Granted, I didn't word it like that.  My point was in my poem was that she made the right decision.  I still think that, but I also think she made a selfish and shitty decision to rip me out of my family home when my own grandmother wanted custody of me.  But like I said, my grandma is a raging narcissist, so I guess I was always destined to this fate.  And my birthmother just read it front of me and folded it up and said a very unfeeling "thanks", which hurt me beyond anything, as I am a very feeling person.

So my form of connection with others was validation.  I needed to be told that what I felt was valid.  That I was right to be angry.  That I wasn't overreacting or being stupid.  And when someone told me I was being stupid, I felt horribly crushed and most likely would stop talking to that person.  But that's how I grew up.  I only knew a) connection through complaining and gossiping and b) complete invalidation by my parents.  So I sought my validation with everyone else.  And the only way to get my mother to listen to me or not make me feel dumb was to gossip with her.  So I craved that type of validation, too.  Until a few years ago when I realized that gossip is just a narcissistic behavior and I needed to stop.

Now, that doesn't mean I don't sometimes still gossip.  If I get around someone else who is gossiping, I will feel compelled to join in because of a "people pleasing" issue I have with narcissists.  I am better than I was, but if I do it once with someone, I try to never do it again, because I don't want to fall down the rabbit hole back to who I used to be.  I mean, I can't fall that far, but still.  And sometimes I still have automatic negative thoughts about people (which is like a form of internal gossip), but I remember to just change my thought immediately instead to a nice one.  Being human means we are always a work in progress and we'll never be perfect.  But at least I don't allow others to make me feel bad about who I used to be anymore.  Granted, there are things I wish I could take back that I said or did, but you do better when you know better, right?  

We can not only forgive ourselves of negative behavior, but also, be more understanding with ourselves, because sometimes we didn't know any better when we weren't acting right.  Yes, the act of gossiping is wrong.  But the fact I used to be a gossip is not wrong, because I didn't know how to be otherwise.  I can take responsibility for my actions without thinking I was broken or bad, or thinking I "needed an audience for my pain".  Because I wasn't an attention seeker as much as I was just trying to find validation for my feelings.  Attention seeking is something narcissists do.  It's usually negative attention so they can feel victimized.  Non-narcs can do this, too, because if you're raised by one, you can surely act like one without actually being one.  The difference is we can change, they can't.  My mother does things that will hurt herself in order to get into trouble so she can feel victimized by the person getting her into trouble (usually, me).  That's attention seeking.  Me connection to others by always complaining about someone or something, that's me seeking connection and validation for how I feel.  Even though people label it as the same thing, it really isn't.

I have seen so many people do this, and sometimes so much worse than I ever did.   And now I get it.  I get why they do it and while other people look at them and say "Wow, she's nothing but drama!" (something that was said about me, too), I now understand that drama is what those people are used to and don't know how to do anything else.  It doesn't make them bad people, unless they are actually narcissists.  It just makes them people who need to find a new way of connecting with others.  

Just like me.  I gave up having human friends (haha, I say humans because I am surrounded by dogs all day, though they do seem to make better friends than people) because I thought I was broken.  That I somehow I was "drama" or too "chaotic" and needed a reprieve from all that chaos.  And I was right to do so.  At first, it was horribly lonely, but in this, I found I am actually a HUGE introvert, not an extrovert at all.  I was just addicted to the ups and downs on my friendships.  And it gave me perspective.  It taught me I could live without those ups and downs and without all that drama.  That I could find peace within myself.  But the true test will be when I get friends again, will I still be able to keep up the peace inside of me?  Or will I fall right back into that chaos again?

And today, I find I am still addicted to my mother's chaos, all over again, even though I try not to participate in it.  But even if I don't participate with her in it, I am participating by always complaining to my husband about it.  I get that little "high" off bitching about her.  Yes, she's annoying as all get out and sometimes she still does some really mean stuff, but it's like I need to complain about her to feel that "high" again.  That sense of satisfaction that only comes when you feel validated when someone is commiserating with you.

It's something I need to work on, to fully break free of her chaos and narc energy.  Something I would like to be able to do while I am still living with her.  To let her words and actions just roll off my back.  It would be nice.  I didn't break free and heal from my father's abuse until 2012, twelve full years after he died.  I don't want to wait that long.  I know that living with her is making things worse for me to be able to heal from her.  Because how can you heal while still being actively abused?  I know I've written this a hundred times on here, but I just need to ignore it.  But in all honesty, I just have no idea how.  

But always complaining about her, while it gives me a little "high", it also makes me feel bad inside.  Not complaining about her, per say, but the negative energy it brings me.  My mental health is more important than dealing with her bullshit.  Only a few more months until my hubby's school is at the point where can get a WAY better paying job (college is normally a scam, but when you go for the right thing, it's extremely lucrative).  And then?  We'll have the ability to put her in a home.  It's November now.  Just five more months.  He may not get the job in exactly five months, but at least we'll have the ability to start looking for one.  And to start getting rid of her assets so she can go in a home.  Praise Jeebus.  

Anyways, I finally feel a little less broken.  And I believe there is hope for the future to have friends again, too.  Not on social media, because that shit is the bane of humanity.  But in real life.  And I may be able to do things proper (or more proper) this time.  

Here is the video that helped me to see what was really going on with me: 

7 Types Of Invalidating Toxic Parents - Role Play - YouTube

PS: Writing this blog post helped me not be as angry at my birthmother.  I was fully prepared to really lay into her about what she did to me, the choices she made, but now I have a bit of a different perspective about it.  And when I can understand why people do the things they do, their actions don't hurt me anymore.  Which is why I am obsessed with psychology and IFS and introspection.