This week has been, uh, interesting, to put it nicely.  Up until recently, she's been mostly good and pleasant and while still annoying, she's been more bearable.  Then she decided that she's going to change things up for a bit.  Like she always does.  Unlike me, the person who usually does the same thing most days, she thrives on constant need for undulating change.  What goes up, always comes down, and will always go back up again.  It's a steady, though at times a tad uneven, ride.   And when you're caretaking someone like this, you can't get away from it.  

And like I said, much of it was bearable up until lately.  I do tend to get annoyed over things I could just let go.  Sometimes I think being angry at her is a hobby of mine.  I mean, I don't let it dictate the way I treat her.  But I do get annoyed quiet frequently, even though to her face I am extremely nice to her (because being mean to old people isn't a hobby of mine).  But god is it hard to do, because she's extremely freaking annoying.  But I tell you what, I'll take annoying any day over her being a total asshole, which she was a year ago.  Actually, she was a few months ago.  It's only been around maybe four months she's been on her best behavior, even though that means she's not been actively plotting to make my life miserable.  Then again, she still does in her own way, but it's much less than before.  Which is a good thing, I guess.  Or maybe the world "tolerable" is what I should be using here.  Her behavior is mostly tolerable.  

But lately, the past few weeks, she's been a busy beaver.  She's been super hyperactive, and bossy, especially to my oldest son (he's in his almost mid 20's).  And he's the type of person who doesn't like rocking the boat, so he doesn't say much to her (though he used to as a teenager, but as he's aged, he's mellowed out).  But not me.  I will rock that boat until everyone falls off and splashes into the water.  Just kidding.  I am not really like that.  I actually keep my mouth shut too, for the most part.  Not because of any other reason than a) I don't want to make my kids or other people uncomfortable and b) I have huge issues with confrontation.  Though recently I  had to say something to her, because there is only so much nonsense one person can take.

Yesterday, like usual recently, she's been a babble monster.  Just yapping her cake hole for yapping's sake.  No real reason.  No real sense.  Just yap yap yap "I must fill the silence with my YAPPING!!! AAAAHHHH!!".  So.  Much.  Fun.  

So she was yapping.  Now she's taken to reading in the kitchen when I am cooking.  She used to read outside, but it's been cold.  She used to read inside earlier in the day.  Now?  She makes sure she is out there about five minutes before I get there so she can yap at me, too.  She knows better.  But she has a hair up her ass to get at me lately (she's been bored, so when she's bored, she tries to get on people's nerves).  So now she hangs out in the kitchen.  At first, she was quiet.  Reading her book.  Then she started in on the yapping.  See, she wanted to lull into a sense of security, making me think she'd be quiet.  But then she flipped the script and starting running her mouth.  Why?  Because my mother self-soothes by projectile vomiting verbal diarrhea all over the place.  She's bored or anxious or depressed, so she has to talk until someone tells her to shush or we leave the room.  It's not loneliness, either.  She doesn't give two shits what anyone else has to say.  She doesn't care about what anyone else wants to do, either.  She walks into the room while we are watching our shows or calls out from the kitchen, knowing we're watching something, and will run her mouth continuously, just to prove she has control to make us stop what we're doing just to pay attention to her.  

And my oldest pays her a lot of attention.  And she just crushes him with unkind words and mean remarks and rudeness.  So I don't give a fuck about giving her attention if she's going to treat my son like shit.  I give her as much attention as she deserves.  She has friends to call can chat with for long-winded conversations that make no fucking sense.  Yesterday she went on and on and on about how she used to spit out her mother's roasts into her napkin and her mother took her the doctor and her doctor said it was okay, because she's getting nutrition just by chewing it.  I said to her "That' simply not true.  Chewing meat doesn't do anything at all, it's like you're chewing gum."  She said "Well, the doctor said it was healthy!"  I said "Your doctor was a 1950's doctor, what in the hell did he know?  No, mom, you didn't get once of nutrition from that.  Your doctor was full of it."  Because that's the kind of nonsense that I have to listen to with her.  Her spouting off knowledge that isn't knowledge at all, it's a made up farce.  Most of it is knowledge she makes up in her head.  This time her doctor made it up.  But it's always not real.  Like the other day she put all our batteries in the garage.  I said "Do not put them in there, it freezes".  She said "Well, you should put your batteries in the fridge or freezer, they work better that way!"  I said "No they do not.  Look it up.  That's horrible for batteries!  Then why do car batteries freeze sometimes??"  She's a crazy person full of crazy bullshit that makes no sense.  Granted, she didn't make that one up, either, she heard it from someone.  But she never ever looks things up herself.  She just stays ignorant.  And then spouts that ignorance out to me, and I have to correct her.  

So much fun. 

Then, she was yelling at my son while I was cooking.  Can I mention my son is an adult?  He's not a child.  But she talks to him like he's 5.  And he's the one who pays her attention.  See, she knows she can hurt him, so she does.  I need to tell him to just stop paying her attention, she'll treat him better.  But why do we have to do that in life?  Change who we are in order to get treated properly?  That's why I am grey rock with her.  Which is the root of my depression.  Being grey rock takes a LOT out of you.  It changes you.  It changes how you act and what you say and how you say things.  I can't be me living with her.  And it's taking a toll on mental health.  And has for years.  And I don't want to do that with my son.  But he's getting hurt by reaching out to her.  And I don't know why he does.  But he's a nice person who wants a real grandma.  Too bad all my kids' grandmas ARE TOTAL NARCCISSISTS.  

What the fuck is up with that?  But that's the way of the world: most people are narcs.  

Anyways, she's blabbing at my son while I'm cooking, I'm getting annoyed, she's bitching and bossing him around and what do I do?  I put ONE HALF CUP of brown sugar into our pizza crust instead of ONE HALF TABLESPOON.  Good lord.  This is why I require silence when cooking.  Back in the day, she used to do the same thing, and I eventually put a stop to it and now I'm going to have to again.  I am making a new/old rule of silence when I cook again.  So I'm going to a) not actually cook when she's in the room.  She's going back to microwave meals that I premake for her.  And b) I will be wearing my huge headphones while I do it so I can't hear her.  Watch how fast she'll quit "reading" in the kitchen when I cook. 

It's not just the talking that's the issue.  She walked up to my stove and tried to pull the lid off my pot of boiling chicken (wanna cook chicken tenderloins fast and juicy? boil em!).  My son screamed "You're going to burn yourself!"  It's an old rice cooker lid, with a metal handle on top, that you can't touch with bare hands.  So she pulled her sleeve down over her hand to pull the lid off.  I grabbed her hand and said "What are you doing?  Do not touch my pots."  She said "I am trying to make the bubbles stop!!"  Oh good lord, that's dementia.  Because I was BOILING the water, bubbles mean good.  And I guess she forgot that.  Next time I bet she'll use her bare hands.  So yeah, no more cooking with her in the room.  It's bordering on getting dangerous.  

But I grabbed her hand and tried to pull it off my pot lid and she refused to let it go.  So I kept pulling and she kept refusing.  So afterwards I said "Do NOT do that again.  Do NOT touch my food when I am cooking."  She said "I didn't, I touched the pot!"  I said "Do NOT touch my pots, my pans, or anything while I am cooking.  EVER again."  She got huffy and went to her room.  

Oh, I also yelled as a joke (but I was NOT joking) "I NEED SILENCE WHEN I COOK!! NOBODY IS EVER ALLOWED TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN WHILE I AM COOKING!!  YA'LL ANNOY ME!"  Everyone laughed.  But they also knew deep down, I was serious.  If not, I will refer to me saying this and say "Oh, I wasn't joking.  Y'all need to shutup."

Then there is the smoking.  First, she started smoking out front, even though we have a rule she can only smoke in the backyard.  I told her to stop, so she did.  But we'll see how long she'll find another excuse to smoke out front again.  Then a couple days ago, she took her cigarettes with in the car and smoked twice outside the of the car, knowing damn well she would smell horrible getting back into the car.  She did this for two reasons.  One, she can't live without smoking anymore.  And two, she's been trying to bother me as much as she can by coming around me right after she's done smoking, knowing I can't stand it.  See, she picks her cherries off her cigarettes.  Which makes your hands smell like sewage.  And she'll come into the house and bother me.  I always get upset and tell her "You need to air out before coming around me after smoking.  You smell horrible."  So the other day, she came right up to me and starting bothering me while I was cooking, and I said that to her and she yelled "Well, I could smell like shit, that would be worse!"  I said "Not by much.  You stink.  You need to move away from me."  She yelled "I can't help it!!"  I laughed and said "Of course you can help it, ma.  You're the one choosing to smoke."  She got huffy and instead of stomping off to her room, she went and sat at the table, so she could bother me some more.  A week before that, she did the same thing, and just refused to leave and stay right where she stood.  So I left the room instead.  So the other day, when she smoked in the car, my son said she stood by her door and when she heard me come out (I was picking up a record player for my son from someone on Facebook Marketplace), she ran around the car and smirked at me to show me she was smoking.  I, luckily, did not respond or say one word to her.  My kids (they're adults, remember) wondered why I didn't get upset with her or tell her to stop.  I said "Why?  If I do, she'd do it more just to spite me".  And she would.  It's like living with a shitty teenager.  Even my own kids never acted like that.  I guess her mother didn't raise her right. 

Then we have the complaining.  A week ago our neighbors had a garage sale.  I think I spent around $60 with them, maybe less.  And then they had another one on Saturday, two days ago, and my mother knocks on my door to wake me up and asks "Can I have some cash?"  I said "What?"  She said "Can I have some cash?  They're having another garage sale."  I was like, um, I just spent a bunch of money with them, why would I spend more?   And the items I bought were for the house, her, or my hubby and kids, equally.  I bought a turkey roaster for Thanksgiving, so we can free up our oven, for one.  But I didn't have any cash.  So then she says, "I'll just tell them to hold my stuff and we'll bring them cash later."  I was in a state of just waking up, mixed with confusion why she's bothering me so early, and I didn't know what to say.  She got upset and went in her room.

So I had to go pick up my son's record player, so I decided she'd ride with us, and then we'd stop at the Salvation Army to get clothes for her, as she's been asking to go for a bit, and we just haven't had time to take her (my hubby is in school full time and works full time, and my kids work, and I don't drive).  The last excursion out into the world with her was TORTUROUS.  You can read about our Walmart fun time here.  And I had forgotten just how much she fucking complains when we're out and about.  So the minute she hears she's going somewhere, she starts bitching.  And she thinks it's up to her when we leave and starts getting on people's cases to go.  I should never have told her about it until we were ready to go.  Anyways, we get in the car, knowing where we were going, and starts bitching it's too far.  The kids have to make a stop to get sandwiches in the grocery store, she starts bitching.  And smoking outside of the car.  Then we leave, and she's bitching.   All.  The.  Way.  There.  Then we stop at Walmart so the kids can get sandwiches, because the grocery store had upped their prices from five to seven dollars a sub.  She's bitching.  Walmart literally has zero sandwiches.  We get to Salvation Army, and my youngest son shops with her, as me and my older son  look at men's stuff for my husband.  The kids get sick feeling, because they haven't eaten.  So I sent them to go get food while Grandma shops.  I have severe anxiety when I am without my support people, but I didn't want my mother to freak the fuck out about the kids complaining they didn't feel good (because she has before), so I dealt with being alone with her.  They were gone for a very short period of time, so I gathered up my mother and paid for her stuff.  $80 later (actually I think it was closer to $90).  And we went home.  

And now I vow to not take her again anywhere for another month, because her bitching wasn't as bad as our Walmart trip (where my poor hubby almost went insane), but it was bad enough.  And now I have to tell her she can't take her cigs with in the car again.  Also, I'm buying her a Juul and we're going to trick her into wanting to smoke it instead of cigarettes.  They are $2 a pack cheaper than her nasty cigs, so hopefully it will work.  We'll see.  

Oh yes, I almost forgot.  I bought Lucky Charms hot chocolate because I thought it was funny.  I bought it for the whole house and she sees my son get a pack and starts screaming "DON'T TAKE ANY!! THAT'S MINE!"  I gave her a shitty look and said "Who says?  I bought that for the WHOLE family ma, not just you.  That's a HUGE box for just one person."  Had it been my younger son, she wouldn't have said shit.  In the end, she never took any, because that's how my mom is.  She either gets ALL of something, or wants nothing.  Same goes for the frozen brownies I brought home from the neighbor who shares food with all the neighbors every month, and she literally tired to take twelve brownies (HUGE brownies at that) for herself and my husband had to literally try to pry them from her hands!!  SHE HAS DIABETES!  She sure talked shit about her BFF who has diabetes and eats lots of cookies, and that same BFF's sister who also had diabetes but still drank Coca-Cola, but now that my mom does it worse than both of them, it's perfectly okay.  Long live narcissism.  And having to thrown down with a 70 some odd year old woman for a tray of brownies.  Good grief!  

I am NOT looking forward to winter with her cooped up in the fucking house.  I'm getting her an outdoor heater so she can be outside all she fucking wants.  Geezus.