I've started doing art again.  I've not been able to due to a myriad of reasons: depression, not enough room in the house, been busy writing my ass off for over a year.  And while I am still writing, I am no longer depressed (well, at least not long term), and there is even less room in the house now.  But we're working on it.  

I found out today that if we have the restoration people do the repairs after they tore everything up, it will cost me TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for them to fix it all.  What in the holy fuck is that about?  They call it "deductible", but to me it's called holding my fucking house hostage.  So we'll be getting $2,000 for the repairs to have someone else do it.  I sure that's enough.  

Anyways, I've been writing like a busy little bee and writing and writing, and writing so much I felt like my brain was going to go insane.  So I decided that's enough left-brained stuff, let's get to the right-brained stuff instead!  So I started watching YouTube videos on art again (Tamara Laporte from Willowing is one of my favs) and then I went out and bought (just kidding, I went online) a set of watercolors in a pan (mine are all in tubes and are all dried up! that's how long it's been since I've painted!), a watercolor sketchbook, some posca paint pens (the whites never work that well for me, though, no matter what brand I use), and some black stabilo pencils.  And I immediately got to work after they all came and I've made three paintings now.  One I hate, but maybe I'll cover it up, maybe not.  But I tell you what, my mood has lifted sooooooo much, because I honestly forgot how much my brain needs to create artistically, not just in words.  I love painting and creating, and for so long I haven't because I usually paint in acrylic, and that takes up SO much room.  Watercolors in a pan take ZERO room, and are portable.  

And today my mother pulled some shit again, coming in after smoking and not leaving the room while i was trying to make dinner.  I told her "You need to leave because you smell like cigarettes" and she said "Do you know what you smell like?"  I paused and was caught off guard because it was super smart-assy and she sounded really angry.  She said "I have no idea, I can't smell anything."  She didn't even say it in a jokey voice, so that's how I know she wasn't actually kidding.  But I laughed anyways.  And yet, SHE STILL DIDN'T LEAVE.  Sigh.  It's like one step forward (after yelling at her) and two steps back again.  So I left the room instead.

But while I am angry, I don't actually have a connection to that anger because all I want to do is create more art.  It's like, when you can fill yourself up with someone that speaks to your soul?  You don't have time for piddly little bullshit handed out by others.  My goal is to fill my entire art journal with paintings and journaling.  And I can't do that if I am caught up in her crap.  So I don't even want to engage with her right now.  I'm just going to make art.  Because that's so much more fun than listening to her be a jerk to me. 

Though, her BFF Christmas came over today, and we left the house to go to the store to get bourbon for our smoked pork chop recipe and maybe being with her riled up my mother?  I don't know.  And I honestly don't really care right now.  I just want to fucking paint LOL

Oh, I also got two new decks of oracle cards on HayHouse today for less than the price of one (sale plus Capital One coupon thingy found me FIVE DOLLARS OFF!).  And so I checked one out before buying and got a free reading on the author's website (click here for a reading).  The two decks are "The Language of Letting Go" cards, by Melody Beattie and "Messages From Your Animal Spirit Guides Oracle Cards" by Steven Farmer PhD.  And here is what my reading from the animal deck said (just so you know, I am a licensed life coach who uses tarot/oracle cards for introspection, not psychic prediction): 

Manatee

Accept the situation as it is rather than fighting to change it.

Kiwi

Do a walking meditation each day for the next week.

Elk

Stand tall and maintain your dignity no matter what, and others will treat you with the respect that you deserve.

Card One: This speaks to me so much right now, because fighting to change something you hate is like swimming upstream.  And I am not a good swimmer!  So instead of being miserable and just waiting for the second she can go into a home (btw, she's on a kick right now talking about going in a home--I wish she was for real), I need to just surrender and let go.  Like Dory going into the gullet of the whale.  Sometimes you just have to accept circumstances as the way they are instead of fighting it (which always makes me miserable).  Every single time in my life I do this?  My life quickly opens up for change in the way I want it to.  It's like fighting against the current just makes the currant stronger.  

Card Two: I like the idea of this.  I follow Thich Nhat Hanh's stuff and have many of his books.  I should do a walking meditation this week, as the weather is amazing right now.  I bet I find some peace and calm from doing so.  And it will get me out of the house and away from her incessant singing LOL

Card Three: This is what I work on all the time.  Feeling sure of myself, and dignified.  This is one of the hardest things to do as an adult child of a narcissist.  Feeling like I am an adult, and I am sure of myself, and I am worthy of being treated with respect.  Now, the second part of that card that says "others will treat you with the respect you deserve" is simply not true if you are dealing with a narcissist.  BUT, if you feel good enough about yourself, you won't give two shits what those narcs think.  

So I think both of these decks are pretty interesting and will work well with my style of life coaching and card reading.   So I am excited for that too.  But while I wait, I'm going to go paint.  Here is my pic of from today that's not finished yet.  I've done Fire, Water, and this one is Air, and I will do Earth and Spirit next.  I am trying to find my own art style, but for now, it's similar to the ones I see on YouTube and websites of the artists I follow and take classes from.  After I am done with my elementals girls, I will do all the archetypes I did in a single painting from the book "Art Journal Your Archetypes" by Gabrielle Javier-Cerulli.  I want to give each one their own page, now that I have a watercolor journal.  The painting, though, hangs on my wall next to my bed, in which I used pictures from magazines that I painted over to represent each one.  

Here is my Air girl: 

For some reason, the color doesn't show up just how much orange and yellow and green is in her face, it just looks like one shade.  I have bad lighting LOL  

I will share more when I am done with all the elemental girls, along with the journaling and doodling I will do on each one.  

Air represents thoughts, communication, springtime, new beginnings, freedom, intellectual pursuits, and so much more.  So my journaling will reflect those things as well.  I also will name all five of them, too.  

Just in case you want to make an awesome "Pieces of Me" art journal, too.  

Okay, back to the grind.  Gotta go write more and maybe draw Earth next :)  

I like having a post not be centered on my mother for once.  Nice.  

Today's Mantra: "Find something that fills you up rather than the way your mother depletes you".