So Mr. Brooks birthday went off without her trying to sabotage anything.  Thank goodness.  She's been doing a lot better with that the past year.  But the real answer will come in February, at my oldest son's birthday, as he's her primary scapegoat for her negative feelings about herself.  

So Saturday went by, and Sunday Mr. Brooks and I spent the entire day in bed binge watching both a two-part documentary about Brittany Murphy and then Kevin Hart in "True Story" on Netfix.  Both were amazing.  I didn't see Ma much on Sunday, but on Saturday, we celebrated my husband's birthday and my mother's dementia is so bad, that she didn't buy him a gift.  But it's no big deal as we all understood.  She did get angry at me for not buying him a tray of brownies for him to eat all by himself from her.  I told her that he was already having cake and ice cream, the last thing he would want is more sweets.  But she was adamant, so I ended up not making him a cake, and instead made him a 8x8 homemade cosmic brownie (a brownie with chocolate frosting and sprinkles--it was amazing!) which I told him was from her.  But she was still annoyed with me, because she wanted one BOUGHT not MADE.  But that's only because she wanted to be the one was in charge of his birthday sweets, as well as force people to eat more sweets than they should (especially her, she has diabetes!).  So my mantra for Saturday was "Sometimes you just have to let go".  Which is different from my "Let it go" mantra from the other day.  This one means I should have just bought the brownies and let my mother have what she wanted.  I regret not doing it, but in all honesty, it wasn't fully my choice.  I was super horrible feeling on Friday, and could not make it to the store to buy it.  But I should have earlier in the week.  And I now I know that I don't always have to be right about stuff.  Sometimes for the sake of someone else's feelings, I should just do what they ask.  Sound dumb when we're talking about a person who's done terrible things to my family, but I am not her.  I do not wish to punish others for fun.  

But today, she was in a ripe mood, and yelled me several times.  I even made her fish, something she's been asking me to make her for awhile (the rest of us don't eat fish that much), and she still got pissy with me today, more than once.  But, I will say, she was pissy due to her dementia, not some external issue.  She got confused today over her medication and wanted me to give it to her but she didn't need it, so I said we need to take it every other day, instead of everyday.  And her medicine is not something prescription, it's freaking Metamucil.  

So my mother has had loose bowels for my entire life.  Certain foods make her get it worse, but mostly, it's just a daily thing.  And lately, it's been really bad, so much so that she's been soiling herself.  Turns out, she was drinking Ensure, and she's sensitive to lactose.  She tried arguing with me about it, saying that the chocolate has more "milk in it" than the pecan, only because she didn't want to stop drinking the pecan.  I said "Ma, they are the same formula.  You are lactose intolerant, you have to stop drinking both."  She didn't like that, but she did, and it got better.  But not enough.  So she went to see a gastro doctor who put her on Metamucil, and she started taking it and didn't have a bowel movement for a freaking week.  

So, I made her stop it taking every day, which she was okay with.  Then, she had a bowel movement today, and it was normal, she said she was cured and was going back to taking it every single day.

Sigh. 

I said "No, we are going to stick with every other day, and see how long it takes you to go again.  And if it's days, we'll switch to every couple days."  And she said "NO!!  I will take every single day because my doctor said I had to!!"  Now, that, ladies and gents, is dementia rage.  She has no ability to use common sense anymore (though one could argue she's always had issues with that--I am not being mean here, just being honest).  She has no ability to use rational thoughts, either.  And, she NEVER listens to her doctors, EVER.  If a doctor tells her what to do?  She always do the exact opposite.  And this time, she wanted to use the doctor's words against me, which is also what she always does, too.  But usually it's me defending the doctor and she's arguing with me.  

In this scenario, I am the parents she rebels against.  I have always carried this title with her.  I never actually realized just how much parentification she has put me through in life until right now.  

She also got super angry with me later in the night because her cat wanted out of her room and I hadn't put away the food from dinner yet, as I was working on my YouTube channel.  And she got PISSED and had a meltdown about me not wanting him out.  She even tried to throw my food in the garbage!  So I went into the kitchen, grabbed him, and put him in her room.  And then put away all the food.  But she's really stupid about her cats, and acts like they deserve more rights than humans do.  She used to even feed her cats most of her dinners because they begged for it and she would end up getting hardly any food, herself.  I had to put a stop to that, and I think she's still angry about it.  This cat in particular is INSATIABLE for people food, which he will promptly throw up if he eats it.  So I don't let him out of her room while I am cooking or when I have food out.  It's super simple.  But he drives her crazy, scratching to get out, so she gets angry with me for it.  It's like, his needs are put above everyone else's.  It's crazy.  You should see how he she acts with her other cat.  That cat isn't allowed out of her sight.  It's creepy as fuck.  

Oh, and by the way, at my hubby's birthday "party" on Saturday, we saved the biggest gift for last.  And, as it turned out, it was an early Christmas gift for her.  It was a new computer because her computer was around eleven years old or more, and it stopped running her games.  And my mother without a computer is a very grumpy mother who does nothing but complain she has no games to play.  So, I bought one for her (a very good one, I might add) and the kids set it up for her.  She first refused to open it, and I told her if she didn't, someone else would.  So she did and then went on and on and on about how she could have waited until Christmas.  The fuck she could.  If I had, she would have made my life miserable, on purpose, because my only job in life is to fix her bullshit for her.  When I can't, I am treated like trash.  

But you know what she did?  She gave my husband a huge hug and tried to kiss the inside of his neck (and he pulled away before she could, because it was completely inappropriate) thanking him profusely for the computer.  Yet, I was the one who picked it out and ordered it.  He had nothing to do with it whatsoever.  But that's ma, for ya.  She loves her some Mr. Brooks.  But then again, I don't want her hugging me or trying to kiss me in any way.  So, I guess I lucked out on that one.

Oh, and now my husband is traumatized about my mother trying to kiss him in a very intimate way, something he blames on her dementia, though I do think it's based on real feelings she has for him.  Like I said before, she saw herself as "woman of the house" and he was "man of the house".  And that left me somewhere in limbo.  When she went into rehab earlier this year, I did a hostile takeover of that phrase and made her "grandma of the house" instead, and I became "woman of the house".  Something she's still sore about to this day.  Which is maybe why she tried to kiss my husband, thanking him for a computer I bought for her.  

Well, that was my weekend.  Hooray.  So much fun.  Yay.  Sigh. 

Good news on our future plans though: we'll soon have the money to buy an RV/camper so we can get the fuck outta here, hopefully in 2022 (UPDATE: we're not buying an RV right away).  Though, we do have to wait until mother needs to go into a home.  I can't just say "Well, we're leaving!"  Or maybe I can?  We'll see.  We still need another RV, and a plot of land.  And we'll have to work on the RV's also.  I use the term RV, but I don't mean something drivable.  My plan is to get all that, and the moment mother has another huge fuckup (like when she went behind my back telling her BFF, Christmas, that I was holding her hostage in the house) or if she needs surgery again and needs to go stay in rehab again, or her dementia gets worse and she needs to be cared for more than I can provide.  I don't feel like I can just walk away for no apparent reason and say "See ya!" and drop her ass off in a home.  But if she were do something crazy, like hit someone (she's done that before) or shit herself to the point of me having to clean her up, then I am all about that nursing home with no trouble.  Because I am not her nurse, nor will I be her verbal or physical punching bag.  Nor will anyone else in this house.  She is cruel at times to my oldest son, but the moment she really crosses the line with him (or any of us) will be her one-way ticket to homesville.  And we'll be outta here.  Though, we do need land first.  Which is something I need to get on looking for.  Oh, yes, and we need a new car.  I almost forgot about that.  But we'll get there.  

Okay, that's it.  Until tomorrow.  

OH YEAH, my mantras for the other days: 

Monday, the angry day.  "Just because someone is yelling at you, doesn't mean you should back down.  But it also doesn't mean you should let it bother you enough to get super angry, either.  Instead, just let someone else have their emotions without taking them in as yours."  

Sunday, the lazy day: "Sometimes you gotta just take a break."  

Saturday, the day she tried to kiss my husband: "Beware of the old woman who gives out fake hugs, they may just be a ruse to make out with your husband".  This isn't much of mantra, as it is a reminder. I already wrote my mantra for this day above.