So today is Mr. Brooks' birthday.  And I haven't seen, nor talked to my mother much today (though I have some), due to the fact that I felt like total crap for most of the day.  Sometimes after I eat, my body reacts as though...well, I have no idea, but my neck will tighten up, and it feels like someone is pinching all my muscles and joints, starting with my neck, and it will travel into my head, my arms, my armpits, my elbows, my fingers, my shoulders, and my upper back.  And I just felt awful, so I stayed in my room and laid down and did some art while Mr. Brooks practiced songs from his new album on his guitar.  So, when dinner time came, my kids smoked a bunch of pork chops and I quickly made some mashed potatoes (from boiled potatoes), even though I felt like total shit.  But I was mostly in my room, and when it came dinner time, my mother knocked on my door, and asked me to get her medicine for her.  So I asked my youngest son to do it, as it's just Metamucil (she could have done it herself).  

So she went to bed and didn't say goodnight, but then got back up and knocked on my door, and said "If you're sick, just tell me and I will get stuff done for you!"  I was confused and said "Like what?  I didn't do anything today."  And it literally just dawned on me why she said all this, but I'll get to that.  She replied "Like, anything!  Your my baby, and I need to take care of you."

And this was my reaction: 

via GIPHY

And my response ALMOST was "Oh really now.  Are you sure about that?  Because every FUCKING TIME I have a migraine and you are being noisy and I ask you to stop, you get louder in order to make my head hurt worse.  Or what about all the times as a kid you complained because you had to get off your lazy to pick me up from school because I had a fever or some other sickness?  Or what about that time I needed to go to the ER and you refused to take me because you didn't want to get out of bed and my old boyfriend had to take me instead?  Or what about the time as a kid when I fell down a hill sideways on my bike, which could have broken my neck, and I came home bleeding all over the place and all you said was that god was punishing me because I wasn't supposed to leave the yard?  You have never, ever, taken care of me properly, unless it was easy for you, or benefitted you in some way.  So fuck right off with that lying bullshit!"  

But of course, I didn't say that.  I am not that kind of person.  I mean, I may say those things to her one day, but not in a cruel way, nor would I tell her to fuck off (well, maybe sometime I will).  But I may laugh at her for saying what she said, which would spark me telling her the rest.  But tonight, I just laughed in a funny way and said thanks.  

I couldn't figure out why she was saying it, as I have migraines all the time (though not as much anymore) she never says jack shit to me about it.  Like I said, she always does what she can to make me feel worse (which makes me sick to think about it...who does that kind of evil shit?).  But as I writing this, I remembered: she came to my door, while I was feeling horrible and don't forget, it's my hubby's birthday, and said "You forgot to wash my clothes!"  She never demands me to do her clothes on a certain day, so I don't get why today she was, but still.  So I bet she realized I didn't feel good when I had my son get her meds for her, and felt like she looked like a dick for demanding her laundry get done today.  I mean, I am fully serious here when I say she does NOT give two pennies whether or not I felt sick today.  She was only looking out for herself.  But whether or not it was over the laundry is just my best guess.  It may have nothing to do with it at all.  But I know how my mom works.  And she never acts like she cares about you unless you're a) her golden child or b) she is getting something out of it.  

I really, really hate when she pretends to be nice mom.  She's not nice mom.  She's asshole mom some of the time and an indifferent mom most of the time when she's not being asshole mom.  But nice mom?  Isn't really nice at all.  It's fake mom.  And I really hate fakeness.  Everything nice that comes out of her mouth you can 100% she's faking it by the tone of her voice.  It's exaggerated and over the top.  Never normal.  I wonder if she looks at me, capable of actually loving my kids and they love me back, and wonders "How do they even do that?"  Because she honestly has no idea.  

So today's mantra is back to the first one "she can only give what she has". And all she has is fake nice, so if I am ever getting her "loving mother" side, it's always fake.  Which reminds me more of the fact I don't have a loving mother than when she's being mean to me.  I'd rather her be mean.  At least she's being honest.  

Well, tomorrow is celebration day for my hubby.  Which will be nice.  Mother is mad I didn't buy him a brownie for his birthday from her, and I bought one to make instead (complete with frosting and sprinkles).  A) it was way the hell cheaper and B) I wasn't trucking my ass all over to different stores because I felt like crud.  I think she's mad that I am going to make it, when it's from her.  But oh well.  She's the one who forgot his birthday, not me.  But then again, she's also the one with dementia.  But still, she should be grateful I am going out of my way to make it.  I don't know why it matters.  But watch her make a big deal tomorrow out of it.  But it's not a real birthday, unless grandma is ruining it for everyone.  

Till tomorrow.  And I am sure I will have a lot to write about then LOL