I can't believe it's been 19 days already!  Only 11 days left.  Though, since I am finding it very helpful, I think I will keep this going for longer, but in my regular posts, rather than in a series.  

Anyways, today was pretty uneventful.  Other than my mother trying to convince me to give her the meds she doesn't need, all because she wants me to think I am wrong.  But I finally got her to understand, after explaining it 20x to her.  Not sure if it will stick, but we'll see.  

Today I went with my kids to go pick up cat medicine from the vet.  Then we went to go pick up a new vanity for the bathroom (which still isn't fixed...yet).  But then we decided to keep our OG vanity and not invest any money into this house that we don't need to.  Because our future plans do not include living here (we have an escape plan, and part one is in effect as we speak).  

When we first moved in, all my mother kept saying was how she was going to spend money (who's money, I have no clue) to replace the picture window, to put a deck out back, to do this and that, and blah blah blah, and I'm all like "Okay moneybags, where the hell do you suppose all this magic money is going to manifest from?"  She never had an answer for that.  Back then, her dementia was there, but much better than it is now.  But I am glad she's off that track, because I am not putting a penny into this house that I don't have to.  Yes, I'll replace our missing bathroom floors.  That's a given.  But I'm not doing anything that's not needed. 

And in other news, I am terrified of moving forward.  I wrote a blog post about our future plans, but I haven't posted it yet.  But I will soon.  Anyways, our future plans (meaning our getaway from here) consists of getting 2 camper/RVs, a piece of land, and a new car.  It all costs money, and right now we finally have part of that money to start our plans.  But, I am terrified to make the wrong choice moving forward.  I could put a down payment on a new car, or a down payment on a piece of land or buy one camper/RV outright.  But which one should I do?  I know that the camper is the wise idea, as we can have it here, on our land, until we find a piece of land to buy.  And I know that we need our car fixed, which is really going to come first before anything.  But I am just terrified of actually moving forward.  We did find a piece of land that's tillable, wooded, and has a creek running through it, everything that we want (and tons of wildlife for hunting), but it's like $80,000.  UGH.  That as much as our first house!  I am so not prepared for that kind of commitment yet.  Esp, not at that price (it is only 5 acres).  But I know there will be more land.  And we'll be in a better place financially later on.  But I am still terrified of both waiting to get moving, and of actually doing it.  It's like no matter, unless I am sitting still, I will be terrified.  But if I sit still for too long, life will play out around me and force me to do something.  

I think that's what my issue is: I can't make a choice.  I can't let change be my idea.  The last time I did?  we became homeless.  So, I have no idea how to break free from that fear.  I mean, I eventually won't have a choice.  This is how I felt when I was leaving my ex-husband.  I didn't want it to be my choice.  I wanted him to fuck up so badly that I had to leave.  I didn't want to have to say "Listen here, ex, I'm leaving you.  I don't love you and I never have."  I mean, I did end up saying that to him.  But I didn't want to.  And it was really fuuuuuuucking hard to do it.  It was like throwing up.  I have emetophobia, and the amount of fear before throwing up that courses through my body is insane.  It was the same when I went no contact with my mother the last time (the first time, she went no contact with me, I just held to it).  I wanted her to do something so bad that the choice was made for me.  I guess I have issues making choices.  But that horrible blocking fear, and then the eventual purge, and then I feel like a million bucks after (only when I am sick, I would never puke on purpose).  But whenever I have to cut someone from my life, I don't feel like a million bucks afterwards.  I have massive guilt and shame and I always second-guess my choices.  Well, no, that's not true, I never second-guessed my choice to leave my ex.  Not once.  But I did with my mother going no contact.  It took a very long time for the nightmares to stop (like a year).  

So, I don't really think my fear is of actually moving forward in life (though it is, a little).  I think it's of putting my mother in a home.  I think it's the idea that I have the make the choice, if I want to get out of here anytime soon.  Otherwise, I'll be waiting for her to have a stroke (she has vascular dementia), or for her to wander off somewhere, hit someone in the house (or one of our pets), or do something really vile.  Though that last one will probably be the first to happen.  Because she's full of vile behavior.  And the thing is, if we buy the RVs, the land, and a new car, we don't have to leave right away.  We can wait for those things to happen if we wanted to.  We could make the decision and feel good about it, rather than just running off in the night and throwing ma in a home (just kidding--we'd most likely do it in the daytime.

Okay, so I need to what I always do when I get overwhelmed and start having anxiety about choices in life: make a freaking list.  I need to make a list of all the things we need to get done in order to move.  AND make a list of all the things we need to get done after we move to make things the most comfortable for us.  Like working out internet and sewage and all that fun stuff.  And working out building stuff to do stuff in (we all have hobbies, and we all need space to do them, which means more than just an RV).  

Okay, so on to making a list.  I'll start there.  And I'll watch some homesteading videos to get me into the mood to make said lists.  

My mantra for today is "One thing at a time."  If I could only just make up my mind what that one thing should be.  Oh yes, get car fixed.  That's first.  I'll just worry about everything else after that's done.