I am trying to purge my basement and I found a box of pictures today that were my mothers in her house before I went no contact with her.  Her entire south wall of her dining room was covered in pictures of me, my husband, and our kids.  It was really cute.  And when I went no contact with her, she ripped them all down and threw them in a box, along with anything that was mine, even from when I was a kid.  And she tried to get rid of my stuff, but kept the pictures in the box.  Then when we came back into her life, she still never put them back up and took the box with her here, when we moved in 2020.  

Today, I found that box and emptied it and threw away all of the frames, keeping the pics for myself.  Though I may pitch those, too, as I already have copies.  One frame had five pictures in it, all wedding photos: of my mom and dad, of my mom and her second husband, of me and Mr. Brooks, and I think a couple more of my mom and her second husband.  But I don't want those pictures.  Her marriage to her second husband felt like a sham, as he was still in love with his ex (his baby mama, who I talk about in my memoir), and he only married my mother as a way to stick it to his ex, so she didn't get any of his veteran money after he died (he knew he was dying at the time).  He was angry with his ex, and used my mother as a way to get revenge on her.  Which sounds fucked, but my mother didn't treat his kids well, which made him miserable, so I guess she deserved it.  She didn't want to share her husband, or her time, with his kids, with me, with my kids, or anyone else for that matter.  And if someone took her time away from him for any reason, she would get irate and cruel.  She just wanted to spend every single moment with him and fuck everyone else.  Turns out, she wanted to spend all her time with someone who was in love with someone else.  Like I said, she kind of deserved it.

So, why would I want any of those pictures of her and him together?  Before they got together, he treated me like shit.  Then he got mentally better and was nice to me.  Then my mother tore him right back down to feeling like did before, and he was cruel to me again.  During this time, I was going through a huge upswing in my anxiety, and really needed my mother to be there for me.  But since she had someone better to spend her time with, she just abandoned me.  Or she acted resentful towards me when I did end up having to have her spend any amount of time with me.  

When I write this, I am filled with hatred towards her.  Not the kind of hatred that wishes anything bad on her, but the kind that makes me wonder why I am even here in this house with her.  Back in 2010, I needed my mother, just as I did back in 2001 when I had to have surgery so I didn't die.  But in 2001, she didn't have anyone to ignore me over, so she was there for me.  Not like a caring mother, but just by being present.  But in 2010, she couldn't even do that.  And I almost ended up in a mental hospital because of it.  

I forgot how many times she's just pushed me off, pushed me away, and forgotten about me.  But then I remember and then I ask myself, why the fuck do I ever feel guilt for trying to do right by my family?  Why do I feel bad that I choose them over her, and always will?  Why am I scared to move forward in life without her?  She's never been there for me.  Only monetarily.  And that's the only reason I am here now.  If we were rich?  I would 100% already have her in a home.  Sometimes I do wonder if there is some sort of fate guiding the world, as though me being back in her life was something I needed to go through before she leaves this earth (whether mentally or physically), so maybe I can heal.  Because it's not just me, it's her, too.  She gets to live with some sort of semblance of freedom during these last years.  But what do my kids get?  My husband?  I don't want to think that the world revolves around me or my mother, even if she thinks it does.  Because it doesn't.  I know there is no fate, but I do know I can be learning something from all of this.  And that's what matters.  

So, today's mantra is "Find another reason for being here, other than financial reasons.  If there is none, then make sure you're making the best out of the financial situation, because if you're getting nothing else out of it, at least make the best of what you do have."  

And I am going to make sure I chuck those pictures of her and him away.  Because that whole thing was just a narcissistic sham, a game.  And all those pictures do is remind of really, really bad times.  Or at least I should put them in a box labeled "Assholes".   That might make me feel better LOL