Today we did a lot of running around and picking up stuff we need to redo our bathroom floors, finally.  Tomorrow we get the wood, and we begin the renovation.  Ourselves.  Yay.  Not looking forward to removing our toilet or reinstalling it.  I have no idea how to do it.  And if YouTube cannot make me feel confident that I can do it without breaking anything or making a mess, then I will call someone to come take them out.  I don't think it'll be done tomorrow, but hopefully this week.  Just as long as it's before Christmas.  

As an atheist, I still love Christmas, but this year it's just been a clusterfuck.  I do have mostly everyone's gifts though.  So that's something.  I just need something for Mr. Brooks, and we're done.  Yay :)  

Today my mother started exhibiting worse dementia symptoms.  She thought the dog was the cat, even though at first, she thought he was a dog, which he was.  But then she thought she was wrong, and thought she was going crazy thinking he was a dog.  But it was the dog.  It was always the dog.  And the other day, she put her coffee in the fridge to warm it up, thinking it was the microwave.  So my annoyance with her is lessening.  When I can see my mother is acting from her dementia, she doesn't bother me.  But when she's acting from a place of narcissism, it really opens up my wounds and reactivates my pain.  But it's been mostly better this past week.  Thank goodness.  But we'll see how long that lasts.  If it's her cycling mood, she'll be back to her bitchy self again soon.  But if it's her dementia, it may never go completely back.  Usually, her cycles do not last this long, but we'll see.

The more I look back at her old behavior since we moved in, the more I realize just how much she's changed.  Not on purpose, but because of her dementia.  She used to be obsessive over EVERYTHING.  And now, it's like she's a totally different person (most of the time).  She will revert back sometimes, but mostly, she's done a complete 180 with her personality.  It's quite amazing.  

I forget to relax sometimes.  I forget that she's not the same anymore, so I still get fearful and worked up, thinking she's going to do this or say that.   But she doesn't.  And when she does, it's minimal and easy to manage.  I need to remember that I can free myself more and more from the prison I felt I was put into the moment we stepped into this house.  Well, not the moment, as it took a few weeks to really grind into my soul that I wasn't welcome in this house.  And if I were to be seen, then I was to be used.  Because that's how she treated me from day one.  But now?  Not so much anymore.  I can let out a breath that I didn't realize I'd been holding for so long.  I get worked up and angry at the little stuff, but that makes me forget that there is hardly any big stuff anymore.  Just little tedious things that annoy me.  

Deep breath.  I can relax a little more.  Not completely, but enough to not have to feel like she's the Warden and I am the prisoner anymore.  And I don't need to overreact to the little stuff anymore, because it's all little stuff now.  And maybe I can start learning to let it go?  We'll see.  

Today's mantra "Don't sweat the small stuff, because it's all small stuff anymore, and who wants to be stressed out by stupid small stuff?"  Not me.  Then again, I don't want to be stressed out by anything at all.  Maybe I should take up smoking pot?  Hmm.  I'll have to think about that one.

Ok, tomorrow we'll be working on the bathrooms (hopefully) and hopefully we'll find a truck to buy this week.  I hope so!  One step closer to getting a fifth-wheel and having our own home again.  Whoo hoo!