For the past two days, mother has been crabby AF.  Well, in her way.  Which means she says crabby things to people but sometimes acts like it's supposed to be funny.  But still, she's snappy, rude, says really stupid things, and even will start yelling at people.  And if you've been here before, you know who she's aiming it all at: my oldest son.  The only person in this house who humors her.  The only person in this house that jokes around with her on a regular basis.  The only person in this house who gives her the time of day most days.  And I tell you what, she gets snippy with him on Christmas (and I am fully expecting her to)?  I am going to lay out for her.  

I'm going to tell her if she wants my son to still be the nicest person in the house to her, and to still pay attention to her, then she better stop treating him like dirt.  I'm going to tell her she's goddamned lucky that he still even likes her with the amount of bullshit she's given him since day one.  And if she doesn't cut that shit out, she's going to end up having one less person talking to her.  And it will be all her fault.  

Oh, I don't give shit that it's a holiday.  I've had it up to here (where? I don't know, anywhere LOL) with her shitty attitude towards my son.  And it's all going to come out if she doesn't knock this shit off.  

In other news, 30 years ago today I dumped my rapist.  I called him over, after he had raped me out of my virginity at age fourteen and gave him his Christmas gift and almost told him I didn't want to see him anymore.  But he knew I was going to dump him, so he quickly dumped me first, but I still consider the situation as me dumping him, as I was opening my mouth to say it, and he cut me off.  The prick. 

Here is the odd situation: I messaged his ex-wife recently to tell her what he did (well, I wasn't telling her what he did as my only reason for messaging her, I wanted to know how he turned out), and she said NOTHING about my rape and just went on and on and on about what kind of bad husband he was.  I said, "Oh, he hit you then?"  Nope.  He was just ignoring and neglectful.  Oh.  Um.  Okay.  So, uh, I tell you I was raped out of my virginity at FOURTEEN YEARS OLD and all you have to say is "Oh yeah?  Well, he ignored me.  How ya like those apples?"  Um yeah, not the same thing, lady, but okay, sure.  

So I yelled at her.  Well, kinda.  I said "So, I tell you he raped me when I was a child, and all you have to say is he "neglected you" and you don't even acknowledge what I said to you?  Wow.  This was a waste of time.

The thing is?  I am really, really angry he's just a normal guy.  I mean, he could still be a sexual predator and maybe his ex-wife doesn't know it.  But he was 19.  I wasn't that much younger than him.  So, if he's a sexual abuser, I'd assume he'd abuse every woman he was with, not just me.  And she also told me that his new girlfriend is really happy with him and they're getting married.  So what the fuck?  Why did he rape ME?  What was it about ME that caused him to do what he did?  That's what I am really mad about.  It's like, I was some "one off" victim and supposedly he never did it again?  Not that I want him to have.  I mean, I guess I should be grateful he hasn't hurt anyone else (that I know of).  But why me?  Why did he get to steal my virginity, before I was ready in the least to be sexual with anyone at all yet??  What made me so appealing to him that he wanted to hurt me, and nobody else?  

It's like, now I just have to put this horrible experience on a shelf and just leave it there.  Because it's some kind of anomaly (for him, not for me--this type of thing has happened to me too many times to count) that I'll never get closure on.  It's not fair he can just do what he did and nobody cares.  He can just move on and I get to sit here and deal with the fallout of the fact that my first "sexual" experience I ever had with a boy was him making me feel that if I tried to get away from him or fight, that he'd brutally rape me.  That shit shapes the entire rest of your life in that department.  I guess I really need to do more work on this to heal.  Because I am still, thirty years later, very fucking angry.  Not as much that it happened in the first place (though that really sucks), but that it happened and for my entire goddamned life and all I've been labeled a whore, as though what happened to me was my fault.  Or the fact that nobody gives two shits.  Or the fact that I left the relationship and immediately fell into the arms of another man who sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me for two fucking years.  All because I thought I didn't deserve better.  

But here's the deal: I don't want every single Dec. 23rd to be about him.  I don't know if I can change that, but I'm going to try.  Instead, today was about spending time with my kids.  It was about talking to a stranger in line at Kohl's, reminiscing about high school.  It was about running into my ex-sister-in-law with her beautiful kids and her horrible mother (though she was nice today, but talk about a RAGING overt narcissist...good lord).  It was about shopping and picking out a gift for Mr. Brooks.  It just has to stop being about that stupid fucking idiot.  That boy who was in college who thought he won his prize with me.  I need to take that away from him, even if he doesn't think he did anything wrong.  But healing from that, I have no idea what it looks like.  Or where to start.  

Well, for one, I'm working with IFS and creating an art journal based on that type of psychology, so I will work this into it, too.  But from there, I don't know.  

Tomorrow is another day.  And I'll eventually find a way to work through this.  But for now, today is still the day I dumped my rapist 30 years ago.  Happy Anniversary, Mitch.  I honestly do hope you changed your life and became a better person than you were when you were with me.  Not for you, but for the women you could have also raped, but hopefully didn't.