Hey guys!  What's up with you?  Me?  Not much.  Just over here getting triggered for the holidays.  

So, my mother's been getting a card every single day in the mail for a week.  Me?  Nothing.  Her cards are all addressed to HER, and not the entire house.  Which I find fucking rude.  I didn't ask to keep my family separate from me.  I don't like their fucking asses, but still.  She is the reason they don't like me.  She is the reason they don't talk to me.  Granted yes, I wrote two blog posts on a different blog many years ago, outlining my parent's abuse of me (though one was about my grandparents having dementia).  And in both I blamed my family for not a) coming to my rescue as a child and b) for not helping out with our grandparents while my FATHER LAID DYING in the hospital (so I could not visit him, since I had to take care of grandma).  Wait, I just thought of something, she put her in a home after my father died, but she didn't while he was sick.  That's so fucked up.  Anyways.  

So now they all want to have a relationship with my mother, even though they did terrible things to me after I wrote those two ANONYMOUS blog posts (how my cousin's daughter found them, is beyond me), on my anonymous blog, then fine.  It's just aggravating as all fuck to have them in my life at all.  I want to just chuck the cards in the garbage when they come, but I don't.  I give them to her, even though it pisses me off.  

Oh, I did chuck two recent cards in the garbage.  My cousin's shitty daughter sent my mother an invitation to her wedding, as well as a "save the date" card.  Both were past the RSVP date for the wedding, which I found hilarious.  But they were also in another state, which she knew my mother would not be going to (but I guarnatee you they just wanted money from her).  But again, she sent it to my mother only, not us.  When we all moved in here last year, they all gave my mother a housewarming gift.  Not us.  They didn't give her a gift when she moved into her last apartment.  I find it quite funny all of a sudden, she is on their radar, when she never used to be.  Which looks to me like it's a little bit more about showing us that we don't matter, more than it's about my actual mother.  Which is totally stupid.  I don't want to matter to them.  I mean, my crazy ass cousin and her kid told my entire family that I am, and I quote "fucking crazy" (her words, not mine), all because I wrote some very truthful blog posts.  Gosh.  What would she do if I knew about this entire blog here?  Huh.  I think she might blow more than just a gasket.  To top it all off, my mother went to a family reunion and joined in with my cousin and told everyone also that I was fucking crazy, and turned everyone against me.  I mean, it's one thing when your cousin says shit about you, but when your mother does?  People tend to believe that.  Too bad they can't spot a crazy narcissistic liar when they hear one.  But oh well.  People who choose to believe gossip deserve to keep believing it.

Anyways, that was bugging me.  Then I finally get a Christmas card from my grandma.  See, this woman is blood-grandma, so she's not related to the rest of the kooks in my family.  So, I open the card and it's cute, with all sorts of interesting info about my grandma's life.  But then I see she also sent a letter in a different envelope.  So, I open it, and find that it's a letter from my mother, sent to my grandmother, dated 23 years ago.  What in the freaking cornholio was this?  

So, I read through the card more and she said she found this letter and thought I would like it.  Yes, Grandma, I want a letter where my mother is bashing me to make me look stupid.  But I tell you what, it really cements my knowledge of just how long my mother's been talking shit about to everyone else.  

So then, I started copying the letter into this blog post and guess what?  I read it wrong.  She wasn't bashing me at all.  She worded something in a way that upon first glance looked as though she was being mean and blaming me for something that wasn't my fault.  But then when I actually read it through again, I saw that my mother was talking about something else entirely.  Oops.  Well now, don't I feel stupid.  

Meh, it was an easy mistake to make.  The way she worded it was off.  Then again, the way she worded the entire letter was off.  Makes me wonder if she's had dementia for the past 23 years, because I always thought my mother was articulate and this letter was more than a little confusing.  Much of it doesn't make any sense.  And I also thought my mother could spell well.  There were so many typos and random extra spaces, I would never even think that my mother was the one who wrote it.  But maybe she was always like that?  Maybe I just never noticed?  Strange.  

So, while my family still makes me mad that they all believe my cousin and my mother about me and don't talk to me (though again, I don't want them to...it's such an odd feeling to be hurt by something I don't even want--I guess it's the rejecting me over lies is what bugs me), and the fact that my mother still is in contact with all these assholes, when she is the one who made this mess what it is, it just really grinds my gears.  I hate the holidays for that reason.  The feelings of rejection and then rubbing it in my face my sending my mother holiday cards, but not including our names on them.  I should not let this bother me, but it does.  

But at least she didn't talk shit about me to my grandmother.  Well, at least not this time LOL  

I know it's past the 30 days, but today's mantra is a double: "Read things more than once, just to make sure of their meaning." and "Family sucks, but they aren't really your family, are they?"  Ha!  I'm not blood related to those fuckers :)  Lucky me!  Whoo hoo!  LOL