Today I watched this really great video that helped me to understand my mother better.  Even all these years later, I learn new things that can change my daily life and how I deal with the eventual BS that will always come up.  

Here is that video (it's great!): 

Covert Narcissists SECRET CrazyMaking Communication Weapon They Use To ABUSE - YouTube

So, she's been having these meltdowns lately.  She's been on an upcycle, which means for my mother that she's bossy, crabby, irritated, and does shit she's not supposed to.  She also pushes her boundaries with me and never listens to anything I ask her to do.  Strange, right?  To be so negative on an upcycle?  But that's how she is.  That's how they all are.  On a downcycle, she's nice and quiet and never pushes her boundaries.  She's even helpful. 

Her mood cycles are driving me mad.  I mean, they always have but I never lived with her before knowing she's a narcissist.  So I never just how bad it gets.  

The other day, I walked into the kitchen and she's having a fucking fit.  Yay.  I woke up to that.  Lucky me.  Apparently, her cat pissed all over the counters.  Again.  And she ruined a bunch of stuff.  So she removed everything off the counter and started in on me.  "Do you have any more of these wipes??"  These were antibacterial hand wipes from the beginning of the pandemic when she could still drive.  

I said exactly this: "No, we don't have those.  But if you wash it down with soap and water, I have some spray I will spray on it after it's dry."  It's Microban, bought for just this occasion.  She doesn't know what kind it is, but I bought it and luckily it doesn't smell that much.  I am very sensitive to cleaners, and she LOVES to use bleach.  And I forbid her from using bleach in the house as a cleaner.  And she's had several meltdowns over it.  She also bought Lysol, which stinks and I can't stand it.  So I took that away from her too.  She has an obsession with antibacterial cleaners.  OBSESSION.  She always has.  I think she's a germaphobe.  But after this conversation, I don't actually think she is.  

"(angry sigh) I USED to have my own spray, where is THAT?"  

"(annoyed sigh)  That stuff stinks." 

"(angrier sigh) Oh good god!!  Who cares?  I NEED THIS TO BE CLEANED!!"  

"Soap and water clean, mom.  They will get rid of the germs."  

"NO, I NEED MY CLEANER!"  

"I don't think you understand how germs work.  Soap and water remove germs."

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT GERMS!  I CARE ABOUT IT BEING SANITIZED!"  

Um.  What?  I was in the basement when she was yelling at me, as I was doing her laundry.  And it was all I could do not to laugh at her.  I know, that's mean, but this is not dementia, ladies and gentlemen.  This is how she ALWAYS has acted my entire life.  "Mom.  Sanitization IS killing germs."

"I KNOW THAT!" 

Sure she did.  "Then what are you talking about, you weenie?"  I laughed.

I then just walked away to my son's room and stayed in there until I stopped wanting to slap her in her angry little old lady face.  I've only ever actually hit my mother once.  It was in the spring of 2006.  And she hit me first.  And I hit her right back, because fuck that shit, I was in my late twenties, and she had no right hitting me.  And all she could do was scream "YOU HIT YOUR MOTHER!  YOU'RE CRAZY!  THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG YOU, YOU PSYCHO!" while chasing me around to beat my ass.  Um, she hit me first, for NO reason.  I don't think I was the psycho in that scenario.  But anyways, I never actually want to hit her.  I just want to scream at her and break things.  But I don't.  I just vent and then I feel better and then I move on.  Because what else is there?  Be as abusive as she is?  No thanks.  

Then I came upstairs, and she was crying her big weepy tears.  She was overwhelmed about the cat doing what she did, so I get it, but still.  Why do I have to be the one who deals with her insane behavior?  It's not like she makes up for it in any way.  She doesn't even pretend apologize anymore.  Rather than say she's sorry, she ignored me.  So I went in and put on my coat and she immediately knocked on my door.  Good grief.  

"Can you *mumble mumble mumble*?" 

"What?"  

"Can you please pick up the bags of food on the steps because I am going to fall down the steps because your dogs are going to push me off the porch!"  

Eye roll.  I have two tiny bags of compost to go to the bin on the porch.  And they are not in her way at all.  "Sure.  I will get them."  

"WELL FINE, I GUESS I DON'T MATTER AND FUCK ME IF I FALL DOWN!!"  

Oh, now diz bitch is getting crazy, I said it loud enough for her to hear me.  She's just putting on a show for my husband.  I opened the door and said "What??  I SAID yes, I'll get them."  

She's still crying, by the way.  

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"  

"Okay, so if you can't hear me, why did you assume I said no?  Why would you think I would even say no?  That's silly."  

"*mumble mumble mumble sniff sniff*"

I walked past her and said "Well, we're going to the grocery store to get my kid some Powerade (because Gatorade is gross) since he has the flu now, too."  

She ignores us.  

So we walk to the door and she says "Don't get mad at me, but please pick up the better scrubbies for me to wash dishes with.  I hate these snotrags you keep buying!!"  

I said "Sure" knowing damn well I won't, and we left.  I would buy better scrubbies but a) I don't want her washing dishes because she can't clean the dishes even with expensive scrubbies and b) the ones I buy are biodegradable, so c) she can fuck off.  I'm growing luffa this summer so I can use those instead for washing dishes (though they take a year to cure, so it won't be until next year).  I need a freaking dishwasher.  UGH!  (I am looking on FB Marketplace as we speak!)

So that was that for that day.  

Then today, she was on my son's ass again, another upcycle day for her, and  when she's like that, she's on my kid's ass about every little thing, mostly my oldest.  So I taught him some comebacks to use on her instead of actually answering her probing questions.  "When are you going to move those pickles??!"  (we're fementing them)  I told him to say "When are you going to move, grandma??  I'll move them when you move to the chicken coop."  There is nothing better than a smartass answer to come back at her with, as she loves them.  She will laugh and forget she's annoyed about something stupid.  The other day she said "How about the next time you get up to get food, why don't you get up and get your dishes from the other room?"  I wasn't there for that one.  Had I been, well, she wouldn't have said it, as she doesn't say that kind of shit when I'm there.  And he had a single bowl in the living room, that was it.  She always acts like he's a freaking slob who eats too much, and he's not.  But that's her modus operandi.  Treat people you supposedly love like they're worth nothing.  Because that's how she feels about herself.  We need to move the fuck outta here ASAP so she doesn't damage my son's already damaged self-esteem.  Anyways, I said he could say something like "I'll do that.  But you also have to stop being such an old bitty!"  Her favorite words are "old bitty".  Which I guess is a cute way of saying bitch?  I don't know.  Sure fits, if it does mean that.  

I could tell her outright to stop being such a nag to my kid, but he's almost 24.  And he doesn't want me to.  But she's going to say something at the wrong time in front of me, and I'm going to fucking snap and scream at her, and it's ALL going to come pouring out.  Unlike her, when I snap, I yell, but I do not get violent or threaten.  She does both.  Well, not anymore.  She used to.  Until I snapped enough times at her about both of those things and she eventually quit.  

Then the kids went to bed and I made dinner (they got up super early today) for my mom and me and she went out to smoke.  Lately, she's been on a downcycle for around a month, and that means she will smoke outside and then go immediately into her room.  Not today.  She went into her room for about five seconds, came out, went to the toilet and then tried to come into the kitchen.  I said "Nope.  Turn around.  You still stink like cigarettes."  

"I WAS JUST GOING TO GET SOMETHING!  GAWD!!  WHATEVER!"  

No.  She.  Was.  Not.  "Hey, it's not my fault, ma.  I'm not the one who smokes in this house."  

She slammed her door.  About five minutes later, her dinner was done, and I called her to it.  She knew it was almost done.  She could have waited for whatever she was going to "get".  But she's on an upswing/upcycle.  Granny don't care about no boundaries when Granny feels good!  She just wants to break all the rules and live in the fast lane!  "Vroom vroom, bitches!  I'm a badass!" 

Why does her feeling good equate to her being abusive or mean and loud?  And why does she have to feel bad in order to be nice to us and quiet?  What the fuck is this, opposite world?  Did I fall through a mirror house as a child and end up in the warped and cracked looking glass?  What the hell is so wrong with humanity that SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE are sociopathic narcissists and act exactly the opposite of the way we're supposed to act as humans?  I know it's hereditary, sociopathy.  I know this.  I see it everywhere.  And the more these assholes breed, the more there will be.  But is this what the world is coming to?  Or is this what it's always been?  I think it has.  I think this is the human condition.  We're supposed to be like those of us who have feelings and empathy and love.  But too many of us don't.  And that is why I refuse to make more friends until I can find the right way to find people who don't want to hurt me and my family (or their own family--I've been friends with WAY too many moms who want to hurt their kids--and all were dealt with, mostly).  

I just want some peace.  I know this upswing won't last long, because I won't put up with it.  The moment I yell at her about something stupid she says, she will calm down.  For a bit.  But I am still in the market for getting our credit score up so we can find a house and move 'ol Granny into a home.  Because this isn't healthy for any of us.  Ugh.  Especially not my oldest son.  Or my youngest.  

Okay, I am done running on about this for now.  Just needed a place to vent the silliness that's been happening recently.  I think I'm going to go watch some Alice in Wonderland.  Maybe Netflix has it?  Most likely.  Later.