Recently we all got the stomach flu (minus Mr. Brooks), and I still have no idea how it happened.  Ever since life has been strange.  I have severe anxiety, so ever since I was sick, my anxiety has been out of control.  Then I found out I've been having esophageal spasms, something my mother gets and are horribly painful for her (she's on meds for it).  For me, I have realized, it only happens when I eat something horribly hot, which makes it hard for me to swallow and scares the crap out of me, and on Friday I was eating horribly hot pizza.  And because of the spasm, I pulled a muscle on the inside of my body in my chest, which has been giving me horrible anxiety for several more days because of the pain.  Today, I finally feel better, even though I still have pain.  My body is so freaking annoying sometimes.  But exercise and keeping busy has gotten me through it.  Because if I sit and dwell in it, it just gets worse.

On the mother front, yesterday she came to my door and asked if she could eat her leftover soup for dinner and I said go for it.  I felt like trash so I was happy I didn't have to cook.  But then, of course, she asked me "Can you make a grilled cheese?"  I said "I can't, I feel really sick."  She said "What?"  So I said louder "I can't...I feel really sick!"  She said "WHAT?"  So I yelled it "I CAN'T, I FEEL REALLY SICK!!!"  I know she can hear me.  She could hear all the other stuff I said.  So she made herself one.  God knows what she put in it.

Then today, she said "I know you're out of practice, but what can I cook myself for dinner?"  I just laughed and said "You're funny."  She was trying to get my goat about not cooking for her for two days (she had her leftovers the night before that she warmed up on her own--something she makes a HUGE deal over whenever she has to do it herself).  But tonight I made bacon & spinach mac and cheese (homemade) and she came into the room and said "Oh, that smells so good!  Last night when I made my own grilled cheese, it didn't smell that good!"  Again, trying to point out I didn't cook for her.   I just ignore her when I cook because if I pay attention to her blabbering (and OH does she blabber on) I will cut myself, and for a moment I let my mind wander to her annoying me and BAM! I cut my damn thumb.  Sigh.  

She also let her cats out while I was cooking.  Something I ask her to NOT do, especially since I just asked her a few days ago not to and she did anyways (they are insatiable for human food) and she did it again tonight.  Both nights I said "You know I don't like them being out when I am cooking" and both nights she replied "I know!" and didn't remove them, making me have to wrangle them up and put them back in her room.  Sigh.  Next time I will say "So up them back into your room." 

Today she also informed me she DOES NOT HAVE DIABETES!  I said "Oh, so the meds you're on don't mean anything?"  And she says "That's what scares me!  I am on all these meds and I don't need them!"  I said "That's like when you told me you don't need your blood pressure meds because your BP is so good so you need to get off your meds."  She said "EXACTLY!!"  I said "Ma, without your BP meds, your BP would be through the roof.  And without your TWICE DAILY diabetes meds, your blood sugar would be through the roof!  You were diagnosed with both diabetes and high blood pressure."  Her reply was "Oh, and you believe those things, do you?" I laughed nervously and said "Well now we really know you actually have dementia because sometimes when you talk to me, you make zero sense.  Like right now."  She said "I am as healthy as a horse!"  I said " A dead horse."  She laughed.  And that was the end of that.  

Um.  Okay.  

She goes to see her doctor on Wednesday and I'm going to check her computer and see what she's been searching, because she's the type of person to lookup all sorts of crap and believe every little thing she reads and will fight me on stuff.  She never wins, but still.  I need to know what she's been up to and if she's planning on harming her physical health because of stuff she reads (I dole out her meds, but I do not know if she takes them--though I really do know she does as she had no idea what pill is what).  Also, I recently caught her getting on FB and cyberstalking people so I am going to block Facebook from her browser, because she's trying to contact people she is not allowed to contact (like her dead husband's Goose's daughter, who went with her mother--Goose's ex, whom he hates, to pretend to be my mother when accepting a plaque for Goose who died from Agent Orange--my mother just stood by the sidelines and freaked the fuck out--yet now my crazy ass mother wants to contact her again, for what reason).  I hate hate hate managing another human being like this as I shouldn't have to.  But dementia can make you do crazy shit.  As will narcissism.  Add those two together and BAM!  You got severe insanity.  (But more on this later after I do it.)

And I do everything I can in order to stave off the crazy before it starts.  

So she's asking for money again.  Which is okay.  I buy her everything she needs.  But today she was having a fit about getting the "really tough scrubbies", which I do not buy.  Not because I don't want to pay for them, but because I am turning my house into as much zero waste as possible.  I have been doing this slowly for the last year and today I washed a huge amount of cloth napkins to replace my mother's napkin obsession (she really is addicted to buying napkins).  I only buy super cheap scrubbies from the dollar store because they disintegrate, which is a good thing, if you're going to buy any in the first place.  And they work perfectly fine for me.  My mother states she simply "cannot wash the dishes properly!" with them.  Which is total bullshit as she cannot wash dishes properly PERIOD, even with the expensive scrubbies.  Today she also had a meltdown about the broiler drawer and how she needs a super scrubbie to wash it because it's "all black!".  So I took a paper towel, got it wet and wiped the "blackness" off and BAM.  That's all it needed.  She saw that I did it and said "When I tell you these things it's because I WANT TO CLEAN IT!  NOT YOU!"  I said "I used a paper towel to clean it.  That's all it needed.  You could have easily done that yourself."   She just glared at me and said "Well, you didn't clean the inside of it."  I said we don't even use the broiler, but if she wants to clean it, have at it, as it's just dusty.  She got all pissy about that, but oh well.  I proved she's a liar (as usual) and only wanted to bitch about me not buying something for her.  She even tried to get my husband to take her to the store to get some LOL  I don't know why she thinks he's on her side, as he's never once shown that he is.  He even threatened her once.  

She was being HORRIBLE one day in 2020 (right after her surgery) and started to threaten to sell the house out from under us just to be controlling and an asshole, and he flipped out on her, stating that if she ever threatened that again we'd leave and throw her ass into a home so fast that she wouldn't even realize it had happened.  There is only so much bullshit Mr. Brooks can take and while it will take a long time to get there, once he's there, there is no question as to what he's feeling.  And I am surprised that my mother still likes him after that.  But he's her golden child, so she promptly forgot about it.  

Not me, I get punished every single day if I do one single thing she doesn't like (which is usually telling her to stop doing or saying something that's really bothersome, like when she screams for no reason).  

But I've already said that a thousand times.  

So, today (it is now Wednesday), I put a blocker on her browser to block her from going to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest (as well as the DMV--that way she can't re-up her driver's license without me knowing about it, something I will not permit her to do).  And my son thinks I am being literally crazy for doing so.  Like, mental crazy.  But she uses social media (not very much, but sometimes) to stalk people and then to get obsessed with either talking to them again or talking about them to gossip to everyone she knows.  Now, I get it.  We all do that sometimes; we look up people on social media to see what they're up to.  But if you had a crazy person in your life that you got rid of (a narcissist), would you want them cyberstalking you on social media?  Would you want them knowing what you're up to?  I mean, we all live in our little bubbles, thinking that just because we don't hear from said crazy person that they aren't bothering with us.  But behind closed doors (and behind the wall of social media), they see us.  They even make fake accounts just so they can see us, so blocking them doesn't usually work.  And wouldn't it be nice if someone in their lives knew exactly what type of person they really are and did something to help us all out?  Like, for one, blocking their access to social media in the first place?  I like to think I am doing a service to humanity by doing so.  You're all welcome.  Just kidding, you probably do not know me and would not be affected by my mother stalking you.  But just in case...you're welcome anyways.

Now, if my mother were younger or didn't have dementia (or had a higher IQ), she'd figure out what I did or use a different browser.  But my mother isn't young and has dementia and has a very low IQ.  So I can do these things without her knowledge.  My son thinks that sounds crazy and controlling and sneaky.  And I will say yes, it's all of two of those things, but it's not crazy.  I am being controlling and sneaky, but that's not necessarily wrong.  I am controlling because I have to be.  I am protecting my family from her with the controlling things I do.  If I didn't have to control every aspect of her life, I'd feel so much better.  But if I don't, then she does crazy things and hurts us.  Like, if I didn't listen to her phone calls with her BFF Christmas, I would have never known she was lying about me behind my back to her, stating I was holding her hostage and not even letting her go for walks or even go outside in the yard (all of which was not true, she was just being an asshole).  And I found out that Christmas almost called the police for elder abuse!!  How can I protect my family if I don't know what she's doing?  I hate it.  I hate every single second of my time being spent on her insanity.  But if I do not check her emails periodically, or control what mail comes into the house (or what mail leaves the house), or put a freaking site blocker on her browser, then I cannot know how she's trying to hurt us.  And she's always trying to hurt us.  

My son can't see that, but eventually he will.  These types of things I talk to him about many times until he understands.  He doesn't understand if I didn't have to live this way, I wouldn't.  But she lives in our house, so what can I do?  I can't let her just go wild and do whatever she likes.  I control the finances, the bill payments, the doctor's appointments, the everything, because I have to.  If I didn't, then nobody would be safe.  And I am so tired of not feeling safe because of her.  I'm forty-four, and I lived for around forty-three years feeling unsafe with her.  When I finally took my power back (which also meant taking ALL the power--only because my mother has two settings: all or nothing--she doesn't share power in the least, so if I give her a little, she will try to take it all) in 2020, it finally started to settle down.  And while it's still crazy sometimes, it's sure a HELLUVA lot better than it was.  And all because I am being controlling as hell.  

I long for the day when I can relax and not have one thought about what the hell she's up to, because I will not care.  When she's in a home, I will not care who she gossips to about me.  I will not give two shits if she's cyberstalking people (just kidding, I will make sure her computer doesn't let her on Facebook either, if she even has her own computer).   I will give a flying fuck or a flying squirrel or anything else that's flying about what she buys or anything else for that matter.  I will only deal with her when I have to or want to and when I don't, I won't.  I will be able to have my bedroom door open (I had it open the other day just like in the past, she walked right in) and be able to go brush my teeth without having to wait until she leaves the kitchen (I have to walk past her to get there--I only wait because if I don't, she will ask me for a hundred favors before I even get to the bathroom).  I will be able to listen to LOUD music again.  I will be able to put my stuff where I want it in the house without fearing some idiot will move it to where she wants it.  I will be able to do whatever the hell I like, whenever I like to.  AND I'll be able to leave my room without being worried she'll catch me and scream or ask me for something a thousand times.  I won't feel like a prisoner anymore.  Until then, I just blog and make art and write my memoirs and read good books and sew and watch Netflix (and all other streaming services--all of which I actually use) all from the privacy of my room or the basement (I can't fit my sewing machine in my room).  And it's okay.  I am getting stuff done for once in my life.  And I am not spreading my creative messes all throughout the house.  I am learning to be more organized, because I have to be, as I don't have the space to be messy (though it can still get messy when you have as many hobbies as I have).  Soon, my kids and I will start weight training and I'll start dancing again (I have dance DVD's I can't wait to start using--in my basement, of course) and it will get even better because I will feel better physically, too.  

Anyways, while I live with a crazy person that I have to manage, I can try to make the best of it.  Because our future is up in the air right now.  I can't 100% count on anything, but then again, who can?  So until that all happens (moving and putting her in a home), I will do whatever I can to make the best out of what we actually have.  Dealing with her behavior is easier when I am busy with actual things to do.  It's when I am not that depression can set in.  And the winter always makes me more depressed.  And I can't battle that with meds (they either don't work for me, or I have horrible negative reactions to them), so I have to battle it with activity instead, for my body, mind, and soul.  

So I use exercise, mindfulness, and keeping busy with projects (like starting my YouTube channel for art).  Art always helps me feel better, so picking that back up again has been good for me.  I just don't share these things with my mother, as my life is 100% none of her business anymore.  It never was, but I didn't realize that back then and let her hurt me by either putting down my work or dismissing it all together.  Now, she has no idea what I even do on a daily basis.  

But that's what's been going on lately.  And I keep my original mantra in my mind whenever I deal with her: she cannot give me more than she has.  And that helps, too.  Lately she's been super favoring my husband and ignoring me, which is hurtful and makes me sad and angry, but I realized she's actually giving me a gift.  When she's ignoring me, she's not asking me for a thousand things or hurting me.  So I instead take her silence and dwell in that blessed space where I am already living my best life.  But then she'll open her mouth and remind me that I'm not.  But for that period of time, I got to enjoy it, so ha!  She thinks she's hurting me, which cracks me up.  No, lady, I am #blessed when you are silent.  So keep it up!  LOL

Okay, that's enough.  I must go finish a handmade journal I'm working on.  I just got a new workspace yesterday and some new art supplies, so I need to go use them.  Until next time.  And I hope you're getting through the winter season with your sanity intact if you're dealing with a narcissist (or dealing with healing from their abuse).