So I had to reschedule my mother's appointment today, due to the fact my husband didn't get home until after 1:30 am from work, and didn't get to sleep, due to animals and humans in the house, until after 3 am.  And every single time I have to reschedule, she either has a meltdown, a fit, or gets super angry with me.  So I always dread telling her, even though that's my job in life right now.  My job is to take care of her: cook for her, clean for her, wash her clothes, drive her places (though I don't drive without a licensed driver due to my POTS, which can make me very tired out of the blue, which is why Mr. Brooks takes her to appointments), make decisions for her (financially, physically, etc.), make her appointments, and reschedule them if I have to.  But she makes my job utterly impossible (or rather, to feel impossible) because she's a little child in a old seahag's body.  And a petulant child, at that, as most kids I know do not act this way all the time (although her oldest stepdaughter did, who is a sociopath).  

So I get up, and she's out smoking, and I erase the appointment on the kitchen calendar and go to her room and scratch it off and then go back to our room.  She comes in and must have noticed it, because she said nothing about leaving.  But her cat came to my window, I let her in, and then let her out my door and my mother says "Are we going to go today?"  She knew damn well we're not, as she'd have been all over knocking at my door to go, because she's super antsy about going places.  I said "Mr. Brooks didn't get home until round 2am last night, so I had to reschedule." She says "Is your oldest son up?"  I was thinking who cares if he was, there was no way we're going to get there on time.  "No, he's not."  "I am not going then, I take it."  So I did what good 'ol Shay does in every situation with mother when she doesn't approve of what I am saying, I ramble.  "Well, he has to take the OT, as there is nobody else to take it.  One guy wasn't even there last night.  So Mr. Brooks doesn't have a choice, blah blah blah."  "So, we're not going?"  Of course these comments are in her "shitty voice", the one that is flat and disapproving.  And here's the thing, I already said I rescheduled.  She's just being a bitch.  "No, I had to reschedule," I repeated.  "Ooohkay then," she says in her shittiest voice.  So I snapped right back and said "Way to be understanding about it."  She said "Well, I am!!  What do you want me to...blah blah blah" I have no idea what she's even saying because I shut my door and walked away by then.  

No meltdown, not like two times ago when she started screaming and throwing stuff.  Last time I told her about the appointment that would have been yesterday while she was having a doctor's appointment on the phone, so she couldn't react (and she didn't).  I didn't cancel that one, the doctor did.  But I still had anxiety about telling her today, and she still wasn't nice about it.  Next time, I will say "Your appointment is canceled because Mr. Brooks worked until 2am and it's rescheduled for next month" and I will walk away.  I need to stop letting her have the upper hand with this shit, as she KNOWS I fear telling her, so she uses it to her advantage to make me fear telling her next time, too.  

This is why I am so avoidant about confronting people.  In the past, I have literally HID from people, too scared to tell them the truth about how I feel or what's going on, if I think they will react badly.  Geez.  I need to stop doing that.  I need to stop giving a shit how someone will react.  If they get angry, what does that do to me?  Nothing.  Anyone is allowed to be angry without me needing to take it into myself and processing it as though it's just as much my issue as it is the angry person's.  I need to stop internalizing other people's feelings so much that they become my feelings, too.  

I've done that my entire life, so I have no idea how to stop, but I will try.  Because this isn't okay, to be this person my mother created me to be (my father, too, as his anger would turn into violent rage).  My father is dead, my mother is an old seahag with zero power anymore, so why should I still be the person who was created in their image?  In my old journal, I drew a really bad picture of Jareth many years ago, with the words "You have no power over me", aimed at my mother.  I should really incorporate that into my life more.  I think I will find a picture to print and put it up on my wall so I can look at it and remind myself.  I will go find one and post it below.  

Okay, I didn't find one, so I made it.  This pic is Jareth by SweetChile on DeviantArt, and I put the words on it on Canva.  What a great drawing, by the way!  I am an artist, too, and maybe I could draw this in pencil, but not with colored pencils.  Those elude me.  This is so gorgeous!  I am going to put it on my wall, as the only pics I could find were with Sarah, and not Jareth.  I want a reminder of who doesn't have power over me, and that's the bad guy (though arguably, Sarah is a childish spoiled teenager who lusts after her stepdad, but hates him at the same time, who may not be the actual bad guy at all in the movie--check out the last scene in her room with the picture on the wall).  

Here's the pic: 

My hubby went back to college in 2020 when we moved into this house.  His job laid him off due to the pandemic, so he used his time to go and get an HR degree (something he's still working on).  And while he was going there, we went into the office one day for something and on the table, they had these beautiful books that chronicled a picture history of our New England coastal town.  They were gorgeous and I immediately wanted to buy them.  So I went online, that damn...they were too expensive for me to get.  Oh well.  

Then one day, I went into a resale shop, and there they sat on the shelves for sale at $1 each.  Holy Buttholies, I had hit the jackpot!!  So I brought them home and within two weeks, they went missing.  Turns out, mother had stolen them and stuffed them into her bedroom drawers.  

Now, this is not a dementia thing, even though I do know that stealing can be a part of dementia.  See, my mother has always coveted her daughter's items.  So much so, that she'd take me shopping sometimes at stores that I loved, only to have me pick out items, and then she'd buy them for herself.  Or I'd be at a store and say "Oh, when I get paid, I will come back here and buy this!" and then she'd put it in her cart, and I would assume it was for me, and nope, she'd buy it for herself.  Or I'd collect something, and she'd fall in love with my collection, then go out and buy herself all the items in the entire collection, knowing I didn't have them all.  Funny, she'd collect items and everyone would buy her things for her collection, especially me and my kids.  We always were thinking of her, but she'd run out and take what I wanted or what I had and make it hers.  So no, her stealing my books was not a dementia issue.  She literally hid them from me, so I didn't know she stole them.  

The same goes for my lovely magazines that I get in the mail.  Now, the magazines I buy are stupid, but I buy them for the pages, because they are thick, and the entire thing is filled with gorgeous pictures I can remove for my art journaling and junk journals.  Lately, mother has been leaving the house for appointments, so I head into her room and go through her drawers.  Why?  Because of this shit right here.  And because she is a schemer.  

I do not give two flying squirrels what she stores in her drawers.  I am not being nosy or invasive (or, maybe I am, but for the right reasons?).  I am keeping her behavior in line.  Recently, I found an Amex application she was hoarding, and other mail, which I have NO idea where she's getting this stuff from (I am careful to put all mail in its proper place).  But I guess I am not as careful as I thought (OR, she's heading out the mailbox and getting it when she's forbidden from doing so--again, for the right reasons--her dementia makes her sign up for EVERYTHING she gets or she tries to send money to every single piece of mail she gets).  Anyways, the last thing she needs is yet another credit card to rack up another $4,000 (like she did her last one, which I am still paying off).  And she would, too.  

So I open her drawer the other day, and she has my newest lovely magazine in her drawer.  Hmm...first of all, where did she get it?  And secondly, my name is on it, why didn't she just ask to see it?  I would be more than happy to share it with her (I'd let her look at it first before I cut it up).  But instead, she stole it (from wherever) and stuffed it into her drawer again, so I wouldn't know.  So I took it back.  But that means she knows I am going through her drawers, which is fine by me.  

Back when she went into rehab last year, she stuffed tons of cigarettes into her suitcase and refused to let me near it.  Like, as if I couldn't tell she was hiding something from me.  The thing is, they weren't allowed to smoke there.  But my mother took them and I just know she'd have lit up in her room had she gotten the chance (even though she assured me she's not addicted to smoking LOL).  Which could have gotten her kicked out.  Good grief, that would have been a mess.  Anyways, I went through every inch of her room and found all her packs, and when she went into surgery, I fished her suitcase out of the trunk and found all the rest of her packs.  Oh boy, she was pissed, but she LOVES to hide stuff from me, as well as loves to do the wrong thing.  Maybe she wanted to be kicked out?  She knew the rules, but the rules never apply to her.  Ever.  

My mother has issues with thinking she's the most special person on earth.  The rules never apply to her, which is why she takes so long to follow mine.  Also, she acts like everyone else thinks she's special, too.  As though all her friends (current and old), family, neighbors, workers (of any sort), and doctors all treat her a certain way, because she's hot shit.  Everyone gives her a deal, or a discount, or some other special treatment.  It's ridiculous.  One day I'm going to snap and say "Yes, mother, you're so special that the world bows down to you.  I bet it drives you crazy that I don't."  

That's why she steals.  She covets whatever I have and takes it from me because she has zero respect for me (I am an object, not a person to her).  

I used to steal.  Even in my adult years.  Until one day I got my brain to see what I was doing could land me in jail (over stupid things, too).  It wasn't because I thought the world owed me, or that I thought I was special.  Or that I deserved the shit I stole.  It was compulsive.  I wanted it, so if I could not pay for it, I was going to get it anyways, even if I didn't need it (hence the compulsive part).  If I had the money, I would have paid for it all.  But I didn't, so I took it.  When I was a kid, I used to steal from people I knew.  But as I got older, I realized I wouldn't like it if people stole from me (even though they did anyways), so I stopped, and only shoplifted.  It was a faceless company.  So to me, I wasn't hurting anyone.  But then after I had kids, I looked at what I was doing, and said "Geezus Shay, this really isn't worth it" and realize I was hurting myself and my kids by doing it.  So I quit.  I had to change my compulsive hoarding habits and realize I liked to buy things just to buy them (or steal them) and I really didn't need any of it.  Just like my mother and her horrible spending habits (something that didn't stop until 2021 when I took her money away from her--which was not easy).  

But see, I have the capacity for introspection, which is why I can change my bad behavior in life.  She can't.  Like, she's literally incapable.  So I didn't even get mad about my magazine.  I did think I didn't get it this month, but now I am going to be on top of the mail better, to make sure she's not taking any more of it.  But even so, I just saw it, and took it back and that was that.  

I am just scared she's going to try taking more of my stuff in the future, but oh well.  I'll find it if she does LOL  

Tomorrow she's heading out to the foot doctor, so I get SEVERAL HOURS of the house to myself (with my kids LOL).  YAY!  And while she's gone, I am going to use that time to move her planters to her garden.  See, she stole a piece of my part of the yard.  Just like she does everything with me.  And now, I'm taking it back.  She gets both the front and back yards, and I get about 1/4-1/3 of the backyard.  And that's for my damn veggie garden that I work my ass off each summer growing food for my family to eat.  It's not like it's for pleasure (well, sort of, but not really, it's a chore, but I do like growing my own food).  And she took a corner of it for her damn plants.  Speaking of plants, she went behind my back and bought $100 worth of plants without asking and the expected me to just put the money in her account.  Guess what it was?  TWO stupid rose bushes.  Good grief!  I am not sure if I going to give her the money or not.  We'll see if we can afford it.  

Anyways, tomorrow, I am taking my corner back.  She's gonna get mad, but I'm going to lay it out for her: "Look here, woman, you get every single space in the entire front and back, and this tiny slice of the back yard is MINE to plant what I want.  So, keep to your own spaces, thank you very much!"  I am not even scared, I'm excited LOL  Usually this shit gives me horrible anxiety, but I am really starting not to fear her anymore.  I just hope I wake up feeling okay so I can get this done, because I really want my piece of the yard back.  For the first time, I have flowers to plant and I need somewhere to put them.  

Okay, that's it for now.  Let's hope mother stops stealing my mail (she's been stealing all sorts of mail lately--again, not sure how she's getting it).  

Oh, and the upcoming warmer weather?  I am not looking forward to it because she's threatening to go for walks again by herself down the street.  So rather than just not leave the house or take her with all the time (which I literally can't), I'm going to test her and see if I can catch her in the act.  So that'll be fun.  

Yay.  The stupid things I have to do (I mean, I don't have to, I can just lock up the front, which I may just do).  Okay, now I'm done.  Over and out. 

I have felt so much better these past few days.  I kept doing everything I could think of to get this shit to pass on by, and it did, thank freaking goodness.  The last time this happened, I was down for a week (literally and figuratively).  And, as of today, my sleeping schedule seems to be back on track, as well.  I am very happy about all of that.  Even my "weepy depression" seems to have abated (and I was getting worried, as it seemed to be getting pretty bad--though I reminded myself that I've been that way a few times in my life, so it wasn't that out of the ordinary, it's just been a really long time).    

As for my mother, she had a shitty day on Wednesday.  We bought a new car through Carvana (and as of right now, I never want to buy a car through anywhere else again!) and she was mean and rude to everyone all day, but mostly my oldest son.  Also, she refused to take a ride in the car unless we took her somewhere to spend money.  She literally said that.  As though it was a threat, which cracks me up because I don't give two squats if she ever rides in the car.  But today, she got my kids to take her to the gas station (this time they're making sure she's using hand sanitizer and washing her hands and not touching her face), so they took the new car.  Which is a hybrid, btw.  We bought a home charger for it, too, off Amazon, which did trip our breakers, which sucks.  But we'll see if we can plug it in somewhere else, on a different breaker.  Also, the next day, she was back to her old self again.  She was just mad that we were buying a car and she wasn't.  She literally told me "We coudl have put the car in MY name!"  And I was so confused, because why would we do that?  

I can't wait to move.  I have so many ideas for a new house and I am super excited about house hunting, too.  My hubby has a great lead on a new job next month that MAY allow him to work from home (eeeekkkk!! I am so excited!!)  This house drives me batty, as it needs new electrical, a new driveway (and expanded driveway), and so much more.  

If this car works out, we'll be giving back my mom's car pretty soon.  I want to make sure there's enough money to pay for the new payment, as well as we do not need 3 cars.  I'll call the bank next week or the week after and tell them she can't drive so she doesn't need a car.  I took her license away, although it had expired last year.  I am so surprised she never asked to renew it LOL  She must need av driver's test.  And she would 100% fail that, but I would even allow her to take it if it came up since getting behind the wheel could mean instant death to anyone either in the car or near her (she can't even walk a straight line, much less drive one).  Also, she was under the impression (due to a lie she made up in her mind) that we were going to sell our other car, as a way to deal with our 3 car situation.  Why would I sell my 2nd car, the one I just bought last summer, just to keep a car that if she went into a home, the state would take it?  Yeah, no.  This is why we bought a 2nd car to begin with.  Because we need 2 cars.  

So anyways, she's been good for the most part.  Except for Wednesday.  Although, I cannot her behavior on the car buying process as she woke up SUPER hyper, and was being all up in everyone's business all day.  She was acting like she used to.  Funny, how you can get so used to better behavior and forget horrible wretched behavior ever happened.  Until it happens again and you're reminded of how someone used to be every single day of their lives.  Good grief.  We've come a long way, baby.  I cannot imagine having to live two entire years with her like that.  I'd have gotten into WAY more fights with her and been WAY more stressed out if that was the case.  Thank goodness she settled down after coming back from rehab and I took all her power away.  Give her a single ounce of power and she's like a monster again.  So I am not sure what caused her behavior to revert back on Wednesday, but I really really REALLY hope it's not indicative of what's to come.  She even threatened that day to go walking by herself again (to which I replied she'd get locked in the house--although not really, just locked out of going out to the front yard, to which she replied she'd go out the window, so I said good luck with that).  

I just hope these days are not coming back with any kind of regularity.  That will not be pleasant for us.  But I am not afraid to tell her to stop now, not like I used to be.  She's very lucky I didn't have it out with her about being mean to my son, as I already had talked to her about that before.  But that's my mother, you have to talk to her and yell at her for at least a year if not more to get her to actually stop doing most things.  Take her not opening my bedroom door.  She didn't stop that until recently, almost TWO YEARS after we moved in.  Nobody should have to ask someone for TWO ENTIRE YEARS to stop invading their privacy for them to finally stop.  That's just really insane.  She refuses to open my door now, thank goodness (though she did yesterday because our silly kids locked the dog in my bedroom again--I hope that's also not indicative of what's to come back again).  So I FINALLY feel comfortable in my own room and safe from her invading my space.  Like it was literally giving me panic attacks every time she opened my door, because she abuses her privileges...she'll open my door to let a dog in, then she'll catch my eye and open it wider and come into my room to "chat" me about something she wants or want me to do.  It's never just an innocent "letting the dog in".  She has to push and push and push to see what she can get away with in every single instance.  Which is why taking care of her is a relentless and grueling job and which is why I limit her time in stores.  She tries to buy everything she can, she tries to get away with not cleaning her hands or wearing her mask (she will remove it in stores).  Everything is a push for control, and it's always negative.  Even when she had all the power.  "You can't tell ME what to do!"  She has ODD so badly.  If you have a kid with severe ODD, know that's the kind of old person they will be.  It's beyond exhausting.  

I cannot wait until we move though, even if she were to come with us.  The kids want to move to TX, but we have to buy a house here, in the beautiful northeast, first.  As my hubby needs to stay with his job for a period of time.  Though, if he works from home, we may be able to go anywhere.  But we'll see.  I love our town, for the most part, and would be sad to move way.  The last time we tried to was due to desperation.  Now, out of choice, would we really choose to leave here?  Probably.  But who knows.  

Okay, that's about it.  For now.  Let's hope Wednesday was a one-off thing that won't happen again for a long time.  Cross your fingers.  

Recently, all I've been talking about is all my mom's negative behavior.  Much of which is just crap I let bother me when I don't have to.  But winter sucks for me.  I get seasonal affective disorder, and I tend to retreat to inside of myself.  Lately, it's been seriously bad.  And I can't take anti-depressants because I either react badly to them or they just don't work.  So I've been literally fighting with my own brain to stop the downward spiral of negative thoughts.  And it's been hell.  Ooh, I should ask my doctor about one of those lights for SAD.  Maybe that would help?  Also, remembering to take my vitamin D properly (something I've been doing better with as of lately) will help, as low vitamin D can cause depression (which may be the entire reason people get SAD in the first place).  But I've been taking it the past three weeks, so in another week I can get a blood test and see if I need to be upped or not.  

Oh, and lack of exercise.  But when you're tired and in pain all the time (both symptoms of low vitamin D), who wants to move around?  But today I'm going to use my exercise bike while I play some video games.  And hopefully I'll be able to do that every day and start to feel better.  

So before you get on meds for your SAD, get your vitamin D levels checked.  

Another issue is that I seem to be having a flare up that includes both extreme amounts of pain and feeling mentally and emotionally overwhelmed.  Again, could be vitamin D related, which is something I never thought of before.  I'll just keep taking my meds and see what happens.  I use Daylio the app to record every single symptom and to write if something strange happens (or when something good happens, too!).  I love that app.  

Also, I've been going through my stats and seeing what are some of the posts that people have read lately and one that's been showing up is about IFS.  I am very passionate about IFS and this winter, I've been getting out of everything I was once passionate about.  To the point sometimes I completely forget I even was passionate about that something to begin with.  It's so annoying.  But that's why I love blogging.  I have a written record to be my memory instead of my silly brain (I have ADHD and aspergers, too, so my brain gets honed in on a thing, then I get out of it and move onto something else and sometimes forget the other thing I was into--I honestly hate that part of how my brain works).  It keeps me on a more even keel than if I don't blog.  

Funny, I could never really keep a journal.  I did a little bit here and there, but blogging?  I could blog forever, and probably will.  I love writing about my thoughts and ideas on a computer as opposed to a journal (my hands grip pens and pencils too hard, so my hand always gets so damn tired--ever since childhood), as well as my life experiences.  It's my thing.  So is creating, but sometimes I am too mentally overwhelmed to create.  But I can always write.  And since I have ADHD, I write on a myriad of subjects.  Unlike with creating, if I get all ADHD about it, I make a freaking mess.  I hate messes anymore.  I really do.  And I am a very messy person when I create.  The worst part of it is losing stuff I just used, because my brain cannot put things back in a way that makes sense to find it again.  It's something I've been working on for years, but I still haven't mastered it.  So most of the time, I just don't create anymore.  I got so used to it, it literally gives me anxiety to make stuff again when I do it.  I have to push past it though, since my brain is flooded with creative ideas and I need to finish them (I do not tolerate the old way of me putting something half-finished away and starting something new anymore).  I have to just push past the anxiety and get it done.  Which is what I am doing, but it's not easy.  Especially not with SAD on top of it all.  

See, another thing?  Writing is safe.  Creating means several things my brain hates: deadlines (even if self-imposed), mess of supplies (mostly to clean up when I am done for the day--I used to not clean up, as I had an art studio, but I have to now, as we live in a small house and I use my bed as a place to store stuff while I work), massive amounts of pain (for some freaking reason, every time I create for long periods of time anymore, my body revolts and puts me in huge amounts of pain, which makes me have to clean up as fast as I can so I can lay down, which is why I hate the mess it makes--which is also why I work in tiny increments now, instead of long marathons), and just the sheer amount of energy it takes to make things.  Writing takes NO energy (other than a little brain energy), makes NO mess, and causes me NO pain, unless I'm already in pain, so in that case, I just don't write.  Writing is safe.  Writing is easy.  Also, if I write something to sell?  I don't care if it doesn't sell.  I don't have to store it anywhere, other than on a hard drive or the internet.  It doesn't take up space in my house.  If I try to sell my creations, I have to store them.  And when moving here, I had a BUNCH of clothing I made for my store, and guess what?  My mother's cat PISSED all over them.  All that time, all that mess, all that energy, all that money I spent on creating on them, and BAM!  Just like that, GONE!  And entire stack of clothes.  I am still so angry about that that I can't bring myself to make more.  Yes, I am holding a grudge about the cat LOL  Not really.  I am holding a grudge about my work being gone.  And because tangible items have a shelf-life.  They can be so easily ruined, so why make them?  

Because I love it.  That's why.  But still.  

I know, I know, I'm all Buddhisty (can't you tell?) and yet I can't handle some level of impermanence.  I need to join those monks and make those intricate sand mandalas, just to wipe them away when done.  Like kids building sandcastles.  Though as a kid, you don't think about how it won't last.  It's usually still there when you leave.  Let some bully come and knock it down and the kids will be crying.  Is that immaturity?  To think everything should last?  To think that what you create doesn't have a shelf-life?  Or that it's somehow more important than life itself, the one thing we know doesn't last?  "I create, therefore it's important."  But if someone else makes something and it breaks, it may affect us if we bought it, but again, we mourn the money we lost, not so much the item we lost (though sometimes the items is special and we mourn that instead).  Wow.  Humans are so selfishly arrogant most of the time.  I guess that's the human way.  

Which is why I'm semi-Buddhist.  I want to overcome my programming.  I want to be okay with impermanence.  I want to be less arrogant.  I want to be here now, rather than always thinking about the past (haha, says the blogger who writes to remember the past) or worrying about the future.  I used to do really well with this, but like I said, my brain wanders off and I find something else to think about and it just goes out the window.  I have to constantly fight my brain on everything.  It's so tedious.  I jsu just want to be normal.  

Another thing I've started is Noom.  And my own programming is so hardwired into me, that I want to throw it out the window.  I used to be skinny and I hated myself and thought I was fat (I had body dysmorphia and anorexia).  Now I am fat, due to a) my genes, b) my two mirenas (I gain 30lbs with each insert), and c) my hypothyroidism and other medical issues that cause me to be so inactive.  I mean, nobody needs to explain their body shapes to anyone.  But I am just writing that in case you can relate.  But being fat runs in my genes, man, as my entire female side of my family is chubby.  I personally have lost 30lbs on my own.  But not in a good way.  I did cut my calories but asking a person with anorexic tendencies to count calories causes them to just stop eating.  So yeah, I need something healthier.  But the tediousness of logging all my food?  God, I've tried that before, and I really, really, really hate it.  It overwhelms me to the core.  So I don't know if I want to spend almost $200 for something I most likely cannot do.  Ugh.  But I'll try this week trial and see what happens.  I just hope I remember to shut it off before I get charged.  Ugh.  

Okay, gonna go try the bike/video game combo thing and see if it works.  I'm so freaking tired these past few days (meaning of these flareups I get occasionally) but maybe exercising will help that, too?  I hope so.  Because last time this happened was December 2020 and it lasted for a whole week.  I just want it go away.  I like feeling awake.  Okay, time to go ride.  

I wrote about this before.  About how I hate when she pretends to care about me.  I'd rather her be a bitch, because at least I know that's her being honest.  But when she puts on her mock voice, her "too high-pitched" tone, her fake voice, the one that says "Aw, are you okay?" in that condescending tone.  I hate that so fucking much.  

Remember when I said I found her list for Family Dollar the other day?  So I went out to Family Dollar on St. Patrick's Day (no reason, just happened to be that day) and bought her everything, except the stuff she isn't allowed to have.  And on that list was "cleaner with bleach".  And she knows damn well she can't use that in this house because of my allergies.  But her BFF Christmas came over and literally addressed that, because some idiot was in her house using bleach, knowing damn well she can't tolerate it (she has the same allergies as me), so she left and came to our house.  And Christmas is a repeater, so she said it over and over again.  And last night I was making pizza and my mother comes in with her new nail polish on that I bought her and shoved them in my face and said in her high-pitched fake voice "Oh no!!  I didn't even think about it!  Did the smell bother you?"  I just looked at her because I was making pizza and didn't know what she was talking about.  So I said "What?"  She said "Putting on my nail polish."  I just laughed because I was angry that now all of a sudden, my allergies are valid.  

I mean, fuck all the other times I caught her with bleach in the house and I yelled at her about it (she knew she wasn't supposed to use it).  Fuck all the times she smokes and then comes in and hangs around me on purpose so I can smell it.  Fuck all the times she uses Febreeze and other stinky air fresheners, even though SHE has no sense of smell.  Fuck all the times she puts on perfume before we leave the house.  Fuck all of that.  None of those times of me crying out to her "Please, please, please do not use these fragrances because they make me sick!!!"  FUCK ALL OF THOSE TIMES.  Because now Christmas has issues with bleach, so therefore how I feel is now valid, too.  

This triggers another thing in me, too.  Her brother had type 1 diabetes and she knew as a hard rule that he had to eat lunch at a certain time every single day, otherwise he'd get sick.  I, on the other hand, have hypoglycemia and also have to eat the same time every single day, or else I get sick, too (like throwing up, passing out, horrible low blood sugar symptoms).  But FUCK ME.  She would force me to get up at some ungodly hour to go grocery shopping with her, knowing damn well a) I didn't have enough money to buy my own groceries for my family and b) I didn't have a 2nd car at the time to get to the store.  Then she'd drag me around ALL FUCKING DAY to wherever she wanted to shop (I had no idea she was spending all her money and not paying rent at the time), and lunch time would blow right past, and I would start getting sick.  And she would refuse to let me eat.  I had to do whatever she liked, and not make a fuss, or else she would not buy my family groceries (and a few times, she humiliated me by not doing so, even though that's why she had me go with her--she'd wait until I was in line to say "Oh, I hope you have money because I don't have enough for you", and I'd have to go put everything back--she did that to teach me a lesson, to say "I can and will do this to you, so therefore you must do exactly what I want, or else").  So I'd never make a fuss while I was having horrible low blood sugar issues.  She loved to have that kind of control over me.  To be able to make me sick and I'd have to let her.  How psycho is that? 

It makes me feel so horrible to think about that.  

But that's what it triggers.  Because FUCK ME and my issues.  They aren't real.  They don't matter.  And I swear to fucking god, if she brings it up again soon?  And I will say "Oh, you mean you all of a sudden give a shit about my allergies??  Because you were just going to buy cleaner with bleach when you know I can't tolerate it.  Or how about the time I caught you in MY bathroom, using bleach on my floor, after I explicitly told you to never use that in the house again?  I had to take all the cleaners away from you because of your behavior, but now you're understanding because Christmas brought it up?  Thanks so much."  I have zero to fear from her anymore (even though I live in fear every single day of her behavior still), so I can say whatever I like.  I'm not an asshole, so I am nice to her, but I don't need to pretend anymore.  I don't need to pretend that her behavior is okay.  Because it's not.  And calling her out on her shit won't change her, but it will make me feel better.  

Now we bought a car (it'll be delivered tomorrow) and I don't know if we'll be able to afford buying a house (although, I may give up my mother's car to compensate for it). We need to pay that car off ASAP.  Hopefully I'll be able to sell my stuff on my store and make some money soon.  Let's hope.  

Also, my hubby may be getting a promotion soon.  But also he may not.  He heard they're putting a freeze on positions at work, for who knows how long.  Ugh.  Right when he'd be able to apply for a better job there.  Sigh.  Oh well, we'll have to do what we have to in order to make this all work.  Having three cars with only two drivers makes no sense (I do drive, but not without a licensed driver, as I have medical issues and anxiety).  So giving up her car may be the best idea.  I'll have to talk to my hubby about this when he gets home.  But we have 7 days after tomorrow to see if we like the car (we got it from Carvana), and maybe we won't.  But if we do, I think giving my mother's car back to the bank is the best idea, since she has dementia and cannot drive anyways.  That would knock half of our car payment off.  Well, a little less than half.  Ugh.  

ASAP, that's our goal.  Just gather up that money and pay that shit off LOL  

And then our credit score should be pretty great by then, so we can start looking for a house.  Well, after he gets a promotion.  Goodness, I just want to leave here.  So freaking much.  I want my life back again.  In a week, it'll be two years since we moved in together here.  And four since moving above her.  And 11 years since living on the same street as her.  TWICE.  Geezus.  I am so done with this shit.  

I need to start exercising.  I can feel my depression setting in like crazy.  And I don't like this one bit.  Maybe if I exercise more I'd not think about her silliness so much?  Okay, off to get on the exercise bike LOL    

So mother is sick.  And I am angry.  We took her temperature, and it was normal yesterday.  We'll see today.  We have some rapid covid tests we got free from the government, so if she spikes even a small temperature, she'll be getting a test (which my son will give her, as he has his booster).  

I am hoping it's just allergies.  It came on super-fast, so most likely, but we'll see.  If it's a cold, I am still going to be super fucking mad because I know exactly where she got it.  

The other day she conned my son into taking her to the gas station, and my son came home extremely mad and said she wouldn't put hand sanitizer on after leaving the store and refused to wash her hands when she got home.  And my mother LOVES to touch her fucking face.  And this, boys and girls, is why I don't take her to the store.  She also refuses to wear her mask properly.  They recently lifted the mask mandate in our state, and when I took her to Hobby Lobby she said "We don't have to wear masks!" when I told her to put it on.  I said "Either put it on or we go home."  So she did.  But she has an obsession with doing the most careless things she can think of.  Growing up, she never even shut our back door.  EVER.  So I'd be home alone, sleeping in the middle of the night when she'd take my dad to work, with our back door wide open, nothing locked.  She also never locked her door in the apartment she lived in before we moved here and she'd go take a nap during the day.  Also, in that same apartment, there was a developmentally disabled kid that would come over and visit her, and he was violent and pushed her up against her counters with her kitchen table (he used to table to push her) and I told him he's never allowed back over again.  She told her BFF Christmas that she was going to find him and tell him it was fine if he still visited.  Even though I threatened the cops on him.  There is something so inherently wrong with my mother's brain and judgment, which is why she lives with us and I am in charge instead of her.  And now she's putting my household and risk by doing things to get herself sick.  

So yesterday I changed the garbage out and told her "If you take the bag out of the can, please do not leave it on the floor because the dogs get into it."  She just stared at me, which is her tactic to make me nervous, so I did what I always do and started babbling.  I ended it with "Well, the dogs were getting into it the other day and I had to pull a pork chop bone out of one of their mouths."  She replied "Oh, I bet they liked it."  I got very mad and said "No, she almost choked."  She can't even say "Oh, that makes sense, I'll put it in the garage next time."  Or anything similar.  She has to pretend like she did nothing wrong.  So I've learned to not ask her anymore not to do something, because I always have to repeat myself and say "Did you hear me?  Because you didn't say you won't do this anymore."  And she will get angry and say in a childish voice "Yes, I won't do it!"  As though I have no reason to repeat myself.  She acts like a defiant child.  One day I'm going to ask her if she treated her parents the way she treats me.  Then I will add "Well, it must have been a bitch to raise you if this if you acted like this.  I feel sorry for Meemaw and Peepaw".  She may not find that funny, but I will.  

So she went outside to smoke and I went into her room and did a search.  I have to search her stuff every few weeks (sometimes once a week if she's being particularly bad) because she takes things that aren't her and puts them in her drawers.  And she also makes secret plans to do stupid things and writes her plans down and hides them.  So I search her room regularly to find any of these plans or our items and I take them.  This time I found mail she somehow got ahold of and was hiding, one being an American Express application.  Sigh.  She has an obsession with shopping and with applying for credit.  It's an addiction, I know, but I took the application and two other pieces of mail she was hiding (how she got it really irks me, because she's not allowed to get the mail and apparently she has--I am not even angry, I know it's my fault for not being on top of getting the mail every single day, which I will be from now on).  And I found her list of things she wanted from Family Dollar (she's been bugging me to go, even though I just took her to Hobby Lobby--she literally asked the next day).  She's not allowed to go to places like that.  Hobby Lobby was one place I realized was kind of okay for her.  But the plant stores, and resale shops are the only other places she can go.  Everywhere else is off limits due to her shopping addiction and candy addiction.  

So I found her list, and the kids and I went to Family Dollar and bought her everything on that list ($100 later, ugh!), minus the shit she's not allowed to buy, like "cleaner with bleach" and "candy" and "disinfectant wipes".  She has a total OBSESSION with disinfecting.  Which is fine, to a point.  But I have chemical sensitivities and there is ZERO bleach in this house, as well as Windex, which has ammonia and I am super sensitive to it.  The only bleach I have is for laundry, and I only use that sparingly.  And of course, on her list were all those things.  And when she buys candy, she buys literally $60 worth of candy at a time--FOR HERSELF.  Which she will eat in a week.  Did I mention she has diabetes????  

She tried to tell me "Oh, if I could go back in time, I'd have given Peepaw his shots (meaning shots of hard liquor) that he loved so much.  I stopped when his Alzheimer's got so bad, but I feel bad to this day taking it away from him".  She was saying that I would feel bad taking candy away from her diabetic ass one day, which I will not.  And that I should give her what she wants now because one day she'll be dead and who cares if she gobbles up bags and bags of chocolate when she was alive?  I said "So, you feel bad not giving Peepaw, a severe alcoholic his vice, even though he was taking meds that specifically said he can't drink alcohol?  Well, that's dumb, and I am so glad you're not taking care of him now because that's horribly irresponsible."  She did that with my uncle.  His endocrinologist told her to stop giving him grapes, as his type 1 diabetes wasn't under control anymore, so her defiant ass ran out and got him tons of grapes and gave them to him.  She never should have been in charge of his care.  Ever.  But his shitty kids didn't want to do it, so she had to.  I tried to tell them SHE has dementia, too, so why is a demented person in charge of another demented person??  But nobody would listen.  Well, he's dead now.  And she's in my care now.  For now.  Until she goes into a home and gives them her defiant shitty attitude instead.  

So now she doesn't have to go to Family Dollar and if she asks again, I will say "/Hey, I bought you everything on your list."  Yes, she will know I took her list, but I want her to know.  She will also know I took her freaking credit card application (she still owes around $4,000 on her old one that I am still paying off), and I want her to know that, too.  I want her to know that she can't get away with being sneaky, and she mostly never has (other than her sneaking out recently and going for walks alone without me knowing about it until last week).  But most likely she took the application from the mailbox and forgot she even took it and hid it in her room, so she won't even realize I have it.  She'll probably think she misplaced it.  

So, instead of telling her what to do, over and over and over again, because she doesn't listen, I put up reminders all over.  "Keep back door locked".  "Keep outside light turned on at all times."  "Put draft snake back in front of door."  "No smoking through this door (out front)."  "Don't push the sides of the garbage bag into the garbage."  That last one really irks me, as I will go throw something messy away from cooking and SPLAT!  It will all fall right out because some dumbass (my mother) will take the sides of the bag and push it into the can....why???  That defeats the purpose of having garbage bag!  And it gets the sides of the bag and the can all gross!  So her friend will come over and read all my notes and wonder aloud why there are so many notes.  Because if I don't put them up, she will run around and undo everything I do in the house or she will keep doing her stupid things.  

And I get soooooo sick and tired of reminding her over and over and over again and her copping an attitude with me.  And it's not her dementia, it's her obstinance.  She doesn't like me telling her what to do.  Well, now the notes tell her what to do.  So there.  

And I just tell her friend "It's her dementia.  She can't remember things." 

And, per her shitty attitude, if I just put notes up, she'll rip them down and say they fell.  So I have to reinforce them with shipping tape, which is too hard for her hands to remove.

So that's about it.  I need to eat something and go have my son take her temperature.  I'll come back and write if she has a fever or not.  Sigh.  

UPDATE: She wasn't sick at all.  She had allergies.  She was sniffing and sneezing and coughing for two days.  And then just like that, it was all gone.  So yeah, after taking her temp AND a covid-19 test, she was fine.  We all were still pretty angry with her for her behavior that day she had my son take her to the gas station.  So we got it into her brain just how careless it was.  It won't probably stick, but for a moment she listened.  But still, I don't like taking her places because she's SO careless.  Ugh.  

So today we bought a hybrid.  I've been fretting and having horrible anxiety about buying a new (used) car, because I hate the entire process about car buying.  And I mean HATE IT.  I hate salesmen.  I hate having my credit take a ding.  I hate getting pressured to buy something we don't want.  And I hate not being on the same page as my family as to what kind of car to get.  The kids were set on buying a truck, and I was set on a minivan (or some kind of van).  And now we all came to the same conclusion: we want a hybrid.  And so we trucked on over to Carvana and bought one.  I feel pretty good about it.  I don't like the $500 a month payments, but I will throw as much money as I can at the car so we can pay it off early.  Or rather, save a huge amount of what we make so we can pay it off asap.  

Of course my mother had to hear about it and try take over the entire thing.  "Too bad you couldn't have put it in my name."  I said "Why, so if you were to have a stroke and go into a home they can take the car away from us?  That's exactly why we bought it.  So we don't have to have that happen."  Then it became a conversation about how she wasn't going into a home, as if she has a choice in the matter.  

Sigh.  

Still a good day even though she's annoying.  

Yesterday, I was okay, until I watched a movie where a teenager ties and it was horrible and I cried too much, and whenever that happens, it feels as though all the serotonin leaves my body and I start having horrible thoughts about myself again.  Ugh.  The issue was that I didn't realize the kid was going to die.  And from a writer's perspective, it was bullshit that she did.  The story was basically about accepting your fate.  Yet, that's what life is for.  Not TV or movies.  Oh well, at least I feel better today.  

Also, my printer cord came and now I can start printing all my shit for my handmade journals for my store.  I am excited!  Lately I've been procrastinating on making the one I am creating due to the fact I am terrified it won't be right and I'll fuck it up.  I didn't fuck up my last one, but that one was smaller.  This one is HUGE, and half lapbook, half journal, and now I am faced with actually having to make it.  It was torture pinning down a theme for it, but now I think I actually have it all the way I want it, so that fear seems to be dissipating.  Thank goodness.  

The other day, my mother thought her cat was dying, all because he slept for 24 hours and supposedly didn't eat.  She screamed at me to get him some wet food, which we do not have, and which he CANNOT have, due to him always throwing it up.  I explained that to her and told her if he were eat it and puke, he'd be sicker than if he didn't eat it, and she got mad at me.  So then it seemed like I was preventing him from eating, so if he died, it would be my fault.  Which really made me angry.  Turns out, the cat was fine and he's eating and running around like normal.  She's just so overreacting and annoying.  

So, back to our conversation about how the state will take her car and her home if she goes into nursing care (which is why putting another car in her name is a silly idea--though I didn't say that, I just said it would not work).  I keep explaining to her that she's going into a home if anything big happens.  Or even if she starts shitting her pants (I can't do that smell, no way, no how).  But she keeps going back to her delusion that she's never going into a home and that I'm going to take care of her.  I said "Well, I can't help if you have a stroke."  She said "Well, there is home health care."  24/7 for free?  Yeah, I don't think so.  And I don't WANT this house anyways.  Oh and today she called it "her" house, which it's not, but whatever.  We are building our credit every single day towards buying a new house.  My hubby is up for a promotion soon, to a position in HR eventually, and when he does, we are looking for a new dwelling to buy.  I am also working on my shop, writing books, and doing whatever I can to make extra money so we can live the life we want on the land we want.  We have a small amount of those things here: we are out in the country a bit, we live in a pretty quiet neighborhood, we are butt up against a field and can do things on our property that we can't do in the city, etc.  But it's still too close to neighbors and not enough land.  But we're getting there.  

Also, I started a new blog yesterday.  I've been sitting on my ass coming up with ideas for a way to help my family (and others) change their lives when it comes to community building, so I thought I'd get all these ideas down on a blog.  Even if the blog does nothing, I will have a basis for a book when it's all put together.  But hopefully the blog itself will become a place where people will go for community building in their area.  But it's just a repository for my thoughts right now, so I am not planning on it becoming anything more than that.  If it does, it does, if not, then, like I said, I can build a book off of it.  

Today I feel immensely better, though.  Which is good.  I hate when I feel like that.  Stupid movie.  I will be more careful in the future to not pick crap like that.  Movies that deal with death and dying in a purely dramatic way do not sit well with me.  I have these underlying emotions about that shit and I just can't handle it.  

Okay, off to make some bacon cheeseburgers for dinner.  Yum/ 

So today I realized not only do have C-PTSD, I am actively displaying more symptoms than usual by living with her.  I forgot C-PTSD existed, actually, until today when I was blogging about it on my other site.  And I realized that I have soooooo many triggers and they are constantly being activated on a daily basis, just by living in the same house with her.  

Take her new behavior, for example.  She now wakes up out of a dead sleep every single time I open her door to let a cat in her room (if you didn't know from my previous posts, I made her room "the cat room" after she went into rehab last year, after I took back my power as "woman of the house"--something she was trying to be and treating my husband like "man of the house", which didn't leave me anywhere) and says "Hello??"  Or "How many cats are you letting in now?" Or "Yes??"  Or "What do you need?"  Or some other random bullshit.  I never answer her, because her tedious noticing something I do triggers the ever-loving shit out of me.  She never once has said anything to me in the past, so why now?  Ugh. 

Back in the day, when we'd eat with her, she'd watch everyone like a hawk and make comments on every little thing you did or said.  It was triggering me so bad when we first moved in here that I started displaying symptoms of anorexia again, something I suffered from when I was a teenager.  I stopped eating.  I could not eat in front of her anymore.  And I actually still can't.  Because every time I get food in front of her she still makes comments on it.  She used to shame me for eating any meal other than dinner.  And that was still in 2021!!  "Oh, it's 12?  Why would you want to eat at 12?"  It's called lunch, you asshole.  But this is what it's bringing up for me.  I stopped eating with her.  Actually, I stopped her eating with anyone at all.  We no longer eat at the table with her, because if we do, it become something very negative very quickly.  So she eats alone while reading her books, which is how she likes it.  

So to have her start commenting again when I do things is really triggering me.  

She didn't just do it with eating either, she did it with my hair, my clothes, everything.  I can't do anything or be myself in my own house around her.  And I wonder why I've been feeling pretty horrible lately.  

So I decided to stop letting the cats in her room.  Let them scratch make her come to the door to let them in.  She's been saying shit to me for days every time I open the door, and I just can't do it.  It sounds stupid, I know, but if you have a mother like that, you get it.  The constant comments, like you can't exist with her noticing every little thing you do or wear or whatever.  It's exhausting and keeps me prisoner in my bedroom.  The sad part is that I will never know what it's like to live in this house without her.  When she was in rehab last year, I was busting my ass changing everything over.  I could not relax.  It was horribly stressful.  But now, I'll never be able to experience this house as my own, because if she goes into a home, they will take the house.  Period.  There is zero way we can keep it.  I lost my chance to know what it was like to live without her here.  But it was worth it.  Because I live in so much more peace than I did before she left for rehab.  Had our lives stayed the same as back then?  I would have moved out long ago and lived on the streets.  Because it was beyond unbearable.  

But yeah, that's her new thing.  And I'm combating it by just choosing not to participate.  I know it sounds very benign, but not to me it's not.  And I do think she knows it.  Or maybe not.  But it doesn't matter.  I just can't participate in something that's going to make my C-PTSD worse.  

So I took my mother to Hobby Lobby yesterday.  Why?  Because everything was on sale it's been a long time since she's been anywhere and there wasn't much she could buy there to hurt herself with.  But then she found the candy aisle and went crazy.  I had to put back much of it, but she did get some things, as well as some non-food items, which made her happy.  She did get bossy in the car again, giving her opinion on driving, as though it was up to her which way we turned or which gas station we went to (back before, she was relentless with this...which made it horrid to take her anywhere, but this time it wasn't quite as bad, even though it was surprising to hear some of her old self creeping through).  In the car on the way home, she promised to never go for a walk again by herself, in a very nonchalant way.  

Which got me to thinking. 

I think she was completely lying about doing it in the first place.  I will talk to our neighbors and ask them if they've ever seen her walking alone, but until then, I honestly do not believe her.  I think it was all a ploy for me to take her somewhere.  To force me to say "Well, I can't leave her home alone, so she has to come with".  But in reality, I should not leave her home alone anyways.  

On the way home, she was having trouble communicating again.  It's strange, she only does it when she's talking to us, not her friends.  Though maybe she does, and just doesn't point it out to them like she does to me and my family.  I will have to pay more attention.  

I did call her BFF Christmas the next day.  I asked her if she thought my mother was lying.  Which made Christmas confused, per usual.  She has always been someone you'd have to repeat yourself to, but nowadays, she's dementia level confused.  I forgot just how bad she was.  But she did seem to be 100% on my side about all of it, which comforted me in some stupid way.  I obsess, thinking Christmas believes my mother or thinks I'm a mean jailor or something, but I'm not.  And after every time I talk to her, I realize she knows that, too.  She knows I am just here to take care of a stubborn old woman who doesn't listen to anyone (Christmas's words LOL).  Though the last two times I talked to Christmas she was super weird to me, so that's why I would get paranoid.  Thinking she changed her stance on this whole thing, thinking I was some kind of jerk.  But alas, no, she still realizes the truth.  Thank goodness.  

Christmas used to be my friend, too.  But then I realized she never really was, she was just a flying monkey for my mother and told her everything I said.  Though, she also told me everything my mother said (she's a reverse narcissist).  Now I barely talk to her anymore, but after her visit the other day when my mother told everyone all proudly that she went for walks by herself, I knew that she'd understand why I chose to call her out of the blue.  Or least I had hoped.  

Anyways, so now my mother promises to never go for walks again by herself, without me even bringing it up, which is what is really bugging me.  This isn't the way she addresses things like this when they happen.  So I honestly believe she lying.  And most likely, she'll admit to Christmas if she was.  And then Christmas will tell me about it.  We'll see.  But I'm still putting a new doorknob/catdoor on the basement door (the basement is where the kitty litter is), and putting in an extra lock on our front door my mother cannot reach that for now, I will only lock at night.  I mean, yes, she won't be able to open in the morning when we are all sleeping, but oh well.  She tends to forget to lock or even shut the front door in the mornings after whatever she's doing out front, so this will keep her from doing so.  Also, it will add a layer of protection at night, too.  So that's something.  

Here is my thing with my mother: 

When she's bad, there are consequences.  Not punishments, but I put things in place when she breaks the rules, which are set to keep her safe.  And I put those things in place because if she's not going to follow the rules, then I take away her choice to do them in the first place.  Like: 

• She isn't allowed to go down the driveway alone as it's super bumpy and she drags her feet.  This means no taking in or out the garbage cans (which are HUGE btw).  When I caught her after around the seventh time taking the cans out, knowing damn well she isn't supposed to, I went out and got a bike lock and locked the cans together.  Which stopped her completely from being able to do it.  
• She isn't allowed to get the mail for the same reason above.  When I caught her getting the mail, even after I yelled at her after she kept doing it, I called and had our mail put on hold.  And I told her if she didn't stop, I would not restart it and would go pick it up at the post office instead.  Now, I have no idea if you can actually do that or not, but she didn't know.  And she quit getting the mail.  Now, I don't let her get the mail mainly because she steals bills and hides them, orders tons of catalogs that she can shop from (like total junk stuff...like Collections Inc.), etc.  It's just so much easier if I am in charge of the mail, mostly because I am not a narcissist with dementia. 
• She isn't allowed to go downstairs.  When she yelled at me for the hundredth time about going down there (for no reason), I said "That's it, I am done with this conversation.  I am getting a new lock tomorrow for the door."  I didn't get the lock until recently, but she did quit asking. 
• She kept bragging about how she was going to sell her norcos (which are controlled substances) when she was done with taking them after her surgery to "make some money on the side", laughing hysterically about it, mostly about how she knows drug addicts who will buy them.  So I took them away from her.  And hot damn, did she have a meltdown.  And I honestly have no idea why, since I am in charge of her meds anyways.  If she wasn't planning on selling them, then why such a meltdown?  But she insisted she was kidding (she was not).  
• She refused to leave the outside light on in the backyard (it's PITCH BLACK out there, which makes our house prime real estate for burglars).  So I taped that motherfucker into the "on" position.  When she removed the masking tape, I used duct tape.  And now it's been on ever since and is never shut off.  The lights are a soft yellow light and do not shine into anyone's house or yard but ours.  It keeps our house safe at night, and lets me see if wild animals are out there before letting my dogs out (we live in the country).  
• I literally didn't get her to stop leaving the damn back door unlocked all day and all night until recently.  We have a kitten (who isn't fixed yet, but will be soon) who is OBSESSED with going outside, so I used the cat as my reason.  I put a note on the door in marker that says "Kitten can push door open by herself, please leave this door locked all the time".  And now she finally locks it.  I don't know what I'm going to use for a reason after the cat is fixed and starts going out (yes we have indoor/outdoor cats in our house, but not because I want them to be).  I have never lived in a place, and will argue there is ZERO places in earth this should be a thing (especially today) that I can just leave my doors unlocked.  I grew up with my mother never even shutting our back door, not even at night (even after a fugitive used my playhouse in our backyard to hide from the cops on a police chase, with helicopters with lights and all that jazz in the middle of the night!!).  She thinks anyone who locks doors (even in the house) is crazy and stupid.  That guy could have just walked right in and held my mother hostage until the cops left...but nope.  She thinks the idea that the guy could have done that is "overreacting".  Sigh.  I am not sure how that's overreacting, but my mom's an idiot, so there's that.  
• When she refused to stop moving my stuff around the house (or my stuff in the yard), just to be an asshole, I removed all the stuff, both hers and mine.  She asked me where it all went, so I told her.  When you can stop moving things that aren't hers, I will put it all back.  I told her I do not rearrange your figurines or your plants or anything of yours, since that would be rude, I expected the same respect.  She didn't like it, but she did eventually quit and everything went back.  
• When she flat out refused to stop putting my stuff in her drawers, hiding it from me (I also once found my stuff hidden in my cookbook shelf, too), which would cause me to go out and buy new things, thinking my stuff had been thrown away, I got rid of the fucking drawer itself.  I said "Could you please just leave my stuff where it is, so I know where to find them and stop wasting money replacing them?"  She said "If I find something out of place, I am going to put it in a drawer somewhere."  I said "Please don't.  Those items aren't yours to hide from me.  They are mine.  So please leave them alone."  She laughed and said "If you need your stuff, just ask me and I will get it for you."  Oh that triggered the shit out of me, per some shady shit she did to me back in 2018.  So I took her fucking entire cart, emptied it, and put it in the basement.  Which in turn gave us room to have a bigger table (the cart should not have been in the kitchen to begin with, as our kitchen is tiny--but she insisted *eyeroll*), since she was forcing us to eat at a 2-person table with 5 people.  She did not like that, but she did stop hiding my stuff from me.  
• When she threatened me the other day to get her a dust pan so she could clean up dog poop this spring in the backyard, and said "I'll put it to you this way, if you don't buy me one, I will use the kitchen one."  I told her no you will not.  But she insisted, so I threw the dust pan in the basement.  Where she can't go.  It seems childish, but she knows I don't mess around with her.  If she threatens me or refuses to do some simple request, then I take away whatever the issue is.  It's simple.  

So yesterday I was freaking livid.  I didn't let it show, but I had to keep doing activities to keep myself calm. There is only so much one person can take from another.  There is only so much defiance a caregiver can ignore or put up with.  I have no idea what to do about this.  I think that's what enrages me even more.  If there was a clear solution, I could just do it and it would be done.  But there isn't.  

Last summer, I was trying to get my mother to stop taking out the garbage because walking back from putting out the cans means she's walking unassisted.  And our driveway is bumpy.  At the same time, it was also a ploy to get her to stop taking in the mail.  She had issues with a) keeping bills from me b) buying anything that came from catalogs she'd sign up for online and c) she'd keep mail that wasn't hers and d) she'd intercept mail that she assumed had something to do with her, when it didn't, and she'd use that to either punish us or my oldest son.  And not only that, she'd send mail to people she should not be sending mail to.  Like our old landlord who is senile who thinks we owe him money (and we don't).  She's crazy and does crazy things, so putting a stop to her getting the mail was the best way to control all that negative behavior.   And I thought that was the end to it.  

So yesterday, her BFF Christmas came over, without calling first, and my mother says to me right in front of her that she's been taking walks down the road all by herself and she'd only do it when we'd leave her home alone.  At first, I thought she was lying, but the more she kept talking about it, I realized she wasn't.  And she acted like it was no big deal for her to be doing this.  So her decision making is impaired, which I already knew, but I didn't realize it was that bad.  She cannot walk unassisted, nor can she walk long distances without someone there to make sure she doesn't fall.  

So, what the fuck do I do?  A) never leave the house without someone being awake to watch her?  or B) lock up the house so she can't go out front anymore?  She deserves B.  Because if this is her dementia, then I really need to do B, because she could escape at night and go wondering around.  But if it's her narcissism and she's just being a bitch?  Well then.  She really deserves to not go out front because she'd trying to hurt herself out of spite.  And if I know she's doing this, isn't my responsibility to keep her safe, even from herself, whether it's dementia or narcissism?  

Geezus.  

That means I have to a) get a chain to put around our gate out back and get a padlock for it (there is no handle to lock), b) get a lock for the front door that she can't open, and c) keep the front door locked at all times, and use the inside garage door, which I then need to lock from the inside and use the garage remote to shut the big garage door if I leave.  AND get a lock on the basement door, which I just ordered and will be here tomorrow.  Now I cannot trust her to listen to ANYTHING I say, so I'm going to have to lock up everything.  The issue is, she's not that far gone in her memory.  I thought I'd have to do all this after her memory was getting pretty bad.  Yesterday she could not remember what road she used to live on (the one I grew up on), but that was just one thing.  Her memory is sporadic and not consistently bad.  

The thing is, I could do nothing at all.  I could let her think she's won.  But that's not only irresponsible, but that also means she can break ALL my rules then: like getting the mail, going in the basement (she can't climb stairs without almost falling), and trying to drive again.  Her license expires soon, thank goodness, and when it does, I'm taking it and getting her an ID.  Actually, I should take her license now, before it expires, so she doesn't even think about it.  Yes, I will do that next, hopefully today.  

But alas, I think the only answer is lockdown.  I feel like a jailor.  And I know she's going to paint me as one.  But what can I do?  

I also need to call Christmas today.  I need to be the voice of reason with that crazy bitch, because if my mother is the only person she listens to, she will think strange things, rather than the truth.  So, I'm going to hop into the car later and give her a ring and help her to realize why my mother taking walks alone is bad.  Because yesterday, she was confused.  I honestly believe she has dementia, too.  At least the beginnings of it, because she's gets so mixed up at times.  Sigh.  I hate having to manage other people.  I feel like I have enough work trying to manage my own bullshit.  We need to start making more money soon so we can put her home and move elsewhere and be done with all of this.  Because I felt so horrible yesterday after learning all this, because I didn't know what to do.  But today is a new day and now I can see clearly what the answer is.  I'm going to go google what other people do for this and see what is the best way to keep her from wandering.  

Sigh.  But even if I lock up the house, I need to make sure someone is awake at all times to help her if she falls, since the house will be locked up and nobody will be able to get in to help her if needed.  When we'd leave before, it would only be for maybe thirty minutes.  All the other times when we'd go for longer, my youngest son or both my kids were home, since I never leave her unattended anyways.  She assumed she was.  And why would my son assume she was talking walks?  He probably just thought she was smoking out back, which she does every five minutes.  As her dementia progresses though, she will be trying to do this even if everyone is home, because she thinks she can do whatever she likes.  

But I honestly do not believe for one second it's her dementia at all.  Not the way she was talking.  She's on purpose choosing to go for walks when we aren't home so we don't catch her.  And I know she told on herself also on purpose, too.  Narcs do nothing without an agenda.  She wants me to know so I feel guilty and either take her with me when I leave or so I don't go places at all.  She feels like a prisoner the house (because she's a shopoholic and wants to constantly buy stuff) because I go grocery shopping and don't take her with.  She's not allowed to go to the grocery store, because she doesn't cook and will buy all sorts of shit we don't need.  She's allowed to go the resale shops, that's it.  I know that sounds odd, but I am serious when I say she's a shopoholic.  If I let her go to Walgreens?  She will literally buy $50 worth of candy and chocolate bars FOR HERSELF to hide in her room.  I am not even exaggerating here, not even a tiny bit.  And she's diabetic!  So to protect her from herself, I buy her pretty much anything she asks for, and I let her go to the resale shops, because she can't hurt herself with what you can buy at those shops.  And I am tired of her screaming at me in the middle of a grocery how she doesn't have diabetes and she can eat whatever she likes, and then pouting and getting mad at me because I didn't let her buy all that crap.  Resale shops are just less stressful and easier for everyone.  She doesn't get tempted and I don't don't have a panic attack.  

But my rule is she cannot walk down the driveway alone, or anywhere else for that matter.  And that rule is based on her physical therapist's orders.  She needs a person to assist her.  But she never ever asks to go for walks, and I assumed it was because she's always in pain, whether it's her knee or her hip or her foot.  But I guess that was all a game, too.  Maybe she's in pain because of all the walks she's taking?  Ha. 

So her judgment is impaired.  It always has been.  Whether it's her dementia or her narcissism, it doesn't honestly matter.  And I am serious when I say it's ALWAYS been impaired--if a doctor tells her not to do something? She runs right out and does it to prove she's a badass.  One time my uncle's diabetes doc told her he's not allowed to eat grapes anymore, so she ran out and bought him a ton of grapes and gave them to him.  She was in charge of his care and he had type 1 diabetes and dementia, so her judgement gambles with other people's safety too.  This explains so much of her bad parenting, too, how many times she put me in danger just to prove she could do whatever she likes, like drunk driving with me int he car. So for whatever reason her judgement is impaired, this is a big deal.  Her going for walks around the neighborhood by herself is so unsafe.  When we first moved in here and found we had a dangerous person living in the neighborhood, my mother's first gut reaction was to seek him out.  Until my husband screamed her to stay away from him, which put her in her place, since she's not afraid of me in the least, but she wasn't used to seeing my husband angry.  She never sought out the guy again.  Thank goodness.  My mother, herself, is a dangerous person, to herself and to people who are around her.  I think she likes to the idea of being dangerous, but her "badassery" is done in the most childish and ridiculous ways.  So it's not actual badassery.  Just her childish way to get negative attention.  Her mommy must not have paid her any attention unless she was being bad.  And for a sociopath, that sticks in their brains until they are old, apparently.  

Ugh.  I don't want to lock up my house.  But I have to.  And I have to stay on her ass about all the rules.  But if I get a lock for the basement door, at least she won't fall the down the basement steps.  So that's something.  I think I'll install one today.  I have one already, and I ordered one today, which I can use for the garage.  Oh yes, I should also get one for the front door, since that lock hasn't been changed since the house was built.  Who knows what neighbors have keys to our house??  I keep forgetting about that.  

I always knew this was coming.  But I didn't think it would come until later.  But I guess this proves my mother has zero sense when it comes to her safety.  So I found this great site with some great information: How to Secure and Dementia-Proof Your Home - AgingCare.com.  So many good ideas that I may use.  

Oh, I'm going to also look into paying for a babysitter when we all leave the house.  Because I cannot trust her to be alone anymore.  At all.  But I have to make sure the babysitter knows of her situation, both her dementia and her narcissism and the hows and whys I make the choices I do for her care, so she can't spin yarns about our life.  I also feel this is WAY too much work when I can just put her ass in a home.  But right now, we can't do that yet.  So maybe we just won't leave during the day until it's dark out.  She won't leave the house if she's sleeping.  Well, my husband will be first shift, soon, so that's something.  I can wait to leave the house until my husband gets home, I guess.  Which sucks.  But it's only temporary.  When he works first shift, we can start looking for a house to buy and she can go straight into a home.  Because I am so done with all of this.  I try to keep her safe, and what do I get for it?  No thank yous.  Just blame that I am ruining her life.  She's so full of defiance and has been for her entire life.  She thinks it's cute.  But she's like a tornado who doesn't care who she flings aside or hurts in her path.  I just want to move past all this into the next phase of our lives.  I am looking forward to having my life back again.  

Okay, time to go read that website and get some ideas for "wander-proofing" our house. 

I just woke up from a dream that posed the question: what if my father was my birthfather, and how would my mother have handled it?  Like, what if sent my father a letter stating I was his daughter, how would my mother have reacted? 

First of all, she'd have completely victimized herself for having been cheated on.  And for that, I would not have blamed her. But eventually, she would have forgiven him, and instead, turned her wrath on me, because someone would have to pay for making her a victim.  And I would have been the fruit born from that unholy union (most likely from a hooker or a drunk at the bar) and I would have never, ever found my way into her heart.  Hell, I can't find my way into it now even though I'm completely bought and paid for (I was purchased by them at 18 months old) with her money.  Had I been from a woman before they got married, I don't think it would have been any different.  I do wonder if I have a sibling in Vietnam, born around 1968, as I have no idea how my dad would have kept it in his pants for an entire year without my crazy mother being around to deter him.  Anyways, I know the answer to this: 

Every single wicked stepmother trope that's ever been made by Disney or otherwise, is 100% true.  I would have been Snow White and my mother the evil queen (though I liked a bit more trouble as a kid than Snow probably did--though I probably would have run away to live with a group of single men living in the woods because that's how dumb I was, just like Snow).  And my father would have just let her do whatever she liked to me.  And if I think the shit she has talked about me in this lifetime was bad?  Imagine if I were some illegitimate love-child born out of an affair my father had while married to her.  Wow.  I can't even imagine what she would have said about me or done to me.  I mean, she's already obliterated my reputation as-is, so I think her only step above that would have been to destroy my life completely.  I would not have wanted her for a pseudo-stepmother in any form.  What a crazy thing to dream about.  And my father would have just let her do it.  That's how they were with one another.  It was some kind of unspoken rule that they each allowed the other to use me as a verbal, real, or abstract punching bag for their rage and self-hatred.  Not at first, but eventually, that's what I became to them, an object in which they could release the pressure valve of all their anger, regrets, and everything else onto.

I used to get angry at the guy I had a relationship with that I thought was my birthfather.  Because he let his wife run his life so badly that eventually he stopped talking to me.  So I reached out to his children instead (something I said would not do, but eventually did because it had been years and he refused to respond to me anymore).  But that would have been what my dad would have done, too.  He would have let my mother run his life and she would have made him stop talking to me and would have complied.  So that makes a little less angry at the other guy (even though he wasn't my real father, we both thought he was).  To know that it wasn't just him, that too many people on this earth live in these types of relationships.  That they live their lives missing out on soooooo much just because they cannot stand up for themselves.  

These people, like my father, like my almost-birthfather, teach me that I can't live my life missing out on stuff just because of this reason or that.  I have to live my life to the fullest, as much as I possibly can.  These people teach me how I do not want to live.  My father died young (in his fifties) regretting so much of his life.  I can't live that way.  I refuse to.  

And it's funny to think about that if my mother hadn't purchased me (yes, I know she adopted me, but she's a sociopathic narcissist, and everything to her is transactional), she'd have zero love for me.  If I were her, even though I'd have been very angry at my husband for cheating (because that was what my dream was about), I could have found love for me.  I could have treated me well and even saw me as family.  Maybe not some sociopath kid (like how one of my mother's stepchildren is), but me?  Definitely.  So, I guess that's the moral of my dream (or what I want to take from it), is that I am worth loving, even if she can't love me.  I love me, and that's all that matters.  

I have to start living my life like that, now.  I have to treat me as though I am my own mother.  And feel the love I would have given me during my entire life and act like that's what I had, instead of what I actually had.  I am not saying play pretend.  

I am saying to replace her hate with my love.  

Because I deserve it.  

I am going to attempt to bring myself out of my prison and stop fearing being around her.  I know I've said this a hundred times, to take up space in my own life, but it's hard.  Especially when you don't like your mother and everything she does triggers you.  But lately I've been feeling like I don't want to hide anymore.  And I want to speak up when she does trigger me, so she can stop.  The more I speak up about something, eventually, she quits.  Although only after having to fight my way tooth and nail to get there, but it's worth it once I am there.  But I'm going to try again.  Because I am really, really tired of feeling like I do not belong in my own house or in my own life.

PS: I also had a dream where my mother was opening and closing the garage door with the remote like a crazy person, and I kept yelling "Stop that!  You're going to break it!"  But she refused.  I can't even have her not annoy me in my dreams.  So much fun LOL