So I had to reschedule my mother's appointment today, due to the fact my husband didn't get home until after 1:30 am from work, and didn't get to sleep, due to animals and humans in the house, until after 3 am.  And every single time I have to reschedule, she either has a meltdown, a fit, or gets super angry with me.  So I always dread telling her, even though that's my job in life right now.  My job is to take care of her: cook for her, clean for her, wash her clothes, drive her places (though I don't drive without a licensed driver due to my POTS, which can make me very tired out of the blue, which is why Mr. Brooks takes her to appointments), make decisions for her (financially, physically, etc.), make her appointments, and reschedule them if I have to.  But she makes my job utterly impossible (or rather, to feel impossible) because she's a little child in a old seahag's body.  And a petulant child, at that, as most kids I know do not act this way all the time (although her oldest stepdaughter did, who is a sociopath).  

So I get up, and she's out smoking, and I erase the appointment on the kitchen calendar and go to her room and scratch it off and then go back to our room.  She comes in and must have noticed it, because she said nothing about leaving.  But her cat came to my window, I let her in, and then let her out my door and my mother says "Are we going to go today?"  She knew damn well we're not, as she'd have been all over knocking at my door to go, because she's super antsy about going places.  I said "Mr. Brooks didn't get home until round 2am last night, so I had to reschedule." She says "Is your oldest son up?"  I was thinking who cares if he was, there was no way we're going to get there on time.  "No, he's not."  "I am not going then, I take it."  So I did what good 'ol Shay does in every situation with mother when she doesn't approve of what I am saying, I ramble.  "Well, he has to take the OT, as there is nobody else to take it.  One guy wasn't even there last night.  So Mr. Brooks doesn't have a choice, blah blah blah."  "So, we're not going?"  Of course these comments are in her "shitty voice", the one that is flat and disapproving.  And here's the thing, I already said I rescheduled.  She's just being a bitch.  "No, I had to reschedule," I repeated.  "Ooohkay then," she says in her shittiest voice.  So I snapped right back and said "Way to be understanding about it."  She said "Well, I am!!  What do you want me to...blah blah blah" I have no idea what she's even saying because I shut my door and walked away by then.  

No meltdown, not like two times ago when she started screaming and throwing stuff.  Last time I told her about the appointment that would have been yesterday while she was having a doctor's appointment on the phone, so she couldn't react (and she didn't).  I didn't cancel that one, the doctor did.  But I still had anxiety about telling her today, and she still wasn't nice about it.  Next time, I will say "Your appointment is canceled because Mr. Brooks worked until 2am and it's rescheduled for next month" and I will walk away.  I need to stop letting her have the upper hand with this shit, as she KNOWS I fear telling her, so she uses it to her advantage to make me fear telling her next time, too.  

This is why I am so avoidant about confronting people.  In the past, I have literally HID from people, too scared to tell them the truth about how I feel or what's going on, if I think they will react badly.  Geez.  I need to stop doing that.  I need to stop giving a shit how someone will react.  If they get angry, what does that do to me?  Nothing.  Anyone is allowed to be angry without me needing to take it into myself and processing it as though it's just as much my issue as it is the angry person's.  I need to stop internalizing other people's feelings so much that they become my feelings, too.  

I've done that my entire life, so I have no idea how to stop, but I will try.  Because this isn't okay, to be this person my mother created me to be (my father, too, as his anger would turn into violent rage).  My father is dead, my mother is an old seahag with zero power anymore, so why should I still be the person who was created in their image?  In my old journal, I drew a really bad picture of Jareth many years ago, with the words "You have no power over me", aimed at my mother.  I should really incorporate that into my life more.  I think I will find a picture to print and put it up on my wall so I can look at it and remind myself.  I will go find one and post it below.  

Okay, I didn't find one, so I made it.  This pic is Jareth by SweetChile on DeviantArt, and I put the words on it on Canva.  What a great drawing, by the way!  I am an artist, too, and maybe I could draw this in pencil, but not with colored pencils.  Those elude me.  This is so gorgeous!  I am going to put it on my wall, as the only pics I could find were with Sarah, and not Jareth.  I want a reminder of who doesn't have power over me, and that's the bad guy (though arguably, Sarah is a childish spoiled teenager who lusts after her stepdad, but hates him at the same time, who may not be the actual bad guy at all in the movie--check out the last scene in her room with the picture on the wall).  

Here's the pic: