So yesterday I was freaking livid.  I didn't let it show, but I had to keep doing activities to keep myself calm. There is only so much one person can take from another.  There is only so much defiance a caregiver can ignore or put up with.  I have no idea what to do about this.  I think that's what enrages me even more.  If there was a clear solution, I could just do it and it would be done.  But there isn't.  

Last summer, I was trying to get my mother to stop taking out the garbage because walking back from putting out the cans means she's walking unassisted.  And our driveway is bumpy.  At the same time, it was also a ploy to get her to stop taking in the mail.  She had issues with a) keeping bills from me b) buying anything that came from catalogs she'd sign up for online and c) she'd keep mail that wasn't hers and d) she'd intercept mail that she assumed had something to do with her, when it didn't, and she'd use that to either punish us or my oldest son.  And not only that, she'd send mail to people she should not be sending mail to.  Like our old landlord who is senile who thinks we owe him money (and we don't).  She's crazy and does crazy things, so putting a stop to her getting the mail was the best way to control all that negative behavior.   And I thought that was the end to it.  

So yesterday, her BFF Christmas came over, without calling first, and my mother says to me right in front of her that she's been taking walks down the road all by herself and she'd only do it when we'd leave her home alone.  At first, I thought she was lying, but the more she kept talking about it, I realized she wasn't.  And she acted like it was no big deal for her to be doing this.  So her decision making is impaired, which I already knew, but I didn't realize it was that bad.  She cannot walk unassisted, nor can she walk long distances without someone there to make sure she doesn't fall.  

So, what the fuck do I do?  A) never leave the house without someone being awake to watch her?  or B) lock up the house so she can't go out front anymore?  She deserves B.  Because if this is her dementia, then I really need to do B, because she could escape at night and go wondering around.  But if it's her narcissism and she's just being a bitch?  Well then.  She really deserves to not go out front because she'd trying to hurt herself out of spite.  And if I know she's doing this, isn't my responsibility to keep her safe, even from herself, whether it's dementia or narcissism?  

Geezus.  

That means I have to a) get a chain to put around our gate out back and get a padlock for it (there is no handle to lock), b) get a lock for the front door that she can't open, and c) keep the front door locked at all times, and use the inside garage door, which I then need to lock from the inside and use the garage remote to shut the big garage door if I leave.  AND get a lock on the basement door, which I just ordered and will be here tomorrow.  Now I cannot trust her to listen to ANYTHING I say, so I'm going to have to lock up everything.  The issue is, she's not that far gone in her memory.  I thought I'd have to do all this after her memory was getting pretty bad.  Yesterday she could not remember what road she used to live on (the one I grew up on), but that was just one thing.  Her memory is sporadic and not consistently bad.  

The thing is, I could do nothing at all.  I could let her think she's won.  But that's not only irresponsible, but that also means she can break ALL my rules then: like getting the mail, going in the basement (she can't climb stairs without almost falling), and trying to drive again.  Her license expires soon, thank goodness, and when it does, I'm taking it and getting her an ID.  Actually, I should take her license now, before it expires, so she doesn't even think about it.  Yes, I will do that next, hopefully today.  

But alas, I think the only answer is lockdown.  I feel like a jailor.  And I know she's going to paint me as one.  But what can I do?  

I also need to call Christmas today.  I need to be the voice of reason with that crazy bitch, because if my mother is the only person she listens to, she will think strange things, rather than the truth.  So, I'm going to hop into the car later and give her a ring and help her to realize why my mother taking walks alone is bad.  Because yesterday, she was confused.  I honestly believe she has dementia, too.  At least the beginnings of it, because she's gets so mixed up at times.  Sigh.  I hate having to manage other people.  I feel like I have enough work trying to manage my own bullshit.  We need to start making more money soon so we can put her home and move elsewhere and be done with all of this.  Because I felt so horrible yesterday after learning all this, because I didn't know what to do.  But today is a new day and now I can see clearly what the answer is.  I'm going to go google what other people do for this and see what is the best way to keep her from wandering.  

Sigh.  But even if I lock up the house, I need to make sure someone is awake at all times to help her if she falls, since the house will be locked up and nobody will be able to get in to help her if needed.  When we'd leave before, it would only be for maybe thirty minutes.  All the other times when we'd go for longer, my youngest son or both my kids were home, since I never leave her unattended anyways.  She assumed she was.  And why would my son assume she was talking walks?  He probably just thought she was smoking out back, which she does every five minutes.  As her dementia progresses though, she will be trying to do this even if everyone is home, because she thinks she can do whatever she likes.  

But I honestly do not believe for one second it's her dementia at all.  Not the way she was talking.  She's on purpose choosing to go for walks when we aren't home so we don't catch her.  And I know she told on herself also on purpose, too.  Narcs do nothing without an agenda.  She wants me to know so I feel guilty and either take her with me when I leave or so I don't go places at all.  She feels like a prisoner the house (because she's a shopoholic and wants to constantly buy stuff) because I go grocery shopping and don't take her with.  She's not allowed to go to the grocery store, because she doesn't cook and will buy all sorts of shit we don't need.  She's allowed to go the resale shops, that's it.  I know that sounds odd, but I am serious when I say she's a shopoholic.  If I let her go to Walgreens?  She will literally buy $50 worth of candy and chocolate bars FOR HERSELF to hide in her room.  I am not even exaggerating here, not even a tiny bit.  And she's diabetic!  So to protect her from herself, I buy her pretty much anything she asks for, and I let her go to the resale shops, because she can't hurt herself with what you can buy at those shops.  And I am tired of her screaming at me in the middle of a grocery how she doesn't have diabetes and she can eat whatever she likes, and then pouting and getting mad at me because I didn't let her buy all that crap.  Resale shops are just less stressful and easier for everyone.  She doesn't get tempted and I don't don't have a panic attack.  

But my rule is she cannot walk down the driveway alone, or anywhere else for that matter.  And that rule is based on her physical therapist's orders.  She needs a person to assist her.  But she never ever asks to go for walks, and I assumed it was because she's always in pain, whether it's her knee or her hip or her foot.  But I guess that was all a game, too.  Maybe she's in pain because of all the walks she's taking?  Ha. 

So her judgment is impaired.  It always has been.  Whether it's her dementia or her narcissism, it doesn't honestly matter.  And I am serious when I say it's ALWAYS been impaired--if a doctor tells her not to do something? She runs right out and does it to prove she's a badass.  One time my uncle's diabetes doc told her he's not allowed to eat grapes anymore, so she ran out and bought him a ton of grapes and gave them to him.  She was in charge of his care and he had type 1 diabetes and dementia, so her judgement gambles with other people's safety too.  This explains so much of her bad parenting, too, how many times she put me in danger just to prove she could do whatever she likes, like drunk driving with me int he car. So for whatever reason her judgement is impaired, this is a big deal.  Her going for walks around the neighborhood by herself is so unsafe.  When we first moved in here and found we had a dangerous person living in the neighborhood, my mother's first gut reaction was to seek him out.  Until my husband screamed her to stay away from him, which put her in her place, since she's not afraid of me in the least, but she wasn't used to seeing my husband angry.  She never sought out the guy again.  Thank goodness.  My mother, herself, is a dangerous person, to herself and to people who are around her.  I think she likes to the idea of being dangerous, but her "badassery" is done in the most childish and ridiculous ways.  So it's not actual badassery.  Just her childish way to get negative attention.  Her mommy must not have paid her any attention unless she was being bad.  And for a sociopath, that sticks in their brains until they are old, apparently.  

Ugh.  I don't want to lock up my house.  But I have to.  And I have to stay on her ass about all the rules.  But if I get a lock for the basement door, at least she won't fall the down the basement steps.  So that's something.  I think I'll install one today.  I have one already, and I ordered one today, which I can use for the garage.  Oh yes, I should also get one for the front door, since that lock hasn't been changed since the house was built.  Who knows what neighbors have keys to our house??  I keep forgetting about that.  

I always knew this was coming.  But I didn't think it would come until later.  But I guess this proves my mother has zero sense when it comes to her safety.  So I found this great site with some great information: How to Secure and Dementia-Proof Your Home - AgingCare.com.  So many good ideas that I may use.  

Oh, I'm going to also look into paying for a babysitter when we all leave the house.  Because I cannot trust her to be alone anymore.  At all.  But I have to make sure the babysitter knows of her situation, both her dementia and her narcissism and the hows and whys I make the choices I do for her care, so she can't spin yarns about our life.  I also feel this is WAY too much work when I can just put her ass in a home.  But right now, we can't do that yet.  So maybe we just won't leave during the day until it's dark out.  She won't leave the house if she's sleeping.  Well, my husband will be first shift, soon, so that's something.  I can wait to leave the house until my husband gets home, I guess.  Which sucks.  But it's only temporary.  When he works first shift, we can start looking for a house to buy and she can go straight into a home.  Because I am so done with all of this.  I try to keep her safe, and what do I get for it?  No thank yous.  Just blame that I am ruining her life.  She's so full of defiance and has been for her entire life.  She thinks it's cute.  But she's like a tornado who doesn't care who she flings aside or hurts in her path.  I just want to move past all this into the next phase of our lives.  I am looking forward to having my life back again.  

Okay, time to go read that website and get some ideas for "wander-proofing" our house.