So today we bought a hybrid.  I've been fretting and having horrible anxiety about buying a new (used) car, because I hate the entire process about car buying.  And I mean HATE IT.  I hate salesmen.  I hate having my credit take a ding.  I hate getting pressured to buy something we don't want.  And I hate not being on the same page as my family as to what kind of car to get.  The kids were set on buying a truck, and I was set on a minivan (or some kind of van).  And now we all came to the same conclusion: we want a hybrid.  And so we trucked on over to Carvana and bought one.  I feel pretty good about it.  I don't like the $500 a month payments, but I will throw as much money as I can at the car so we can pay it off early.  Or rather, save a huge amount of what we make so we can pay it off asap.  

Of course my mother had to hear about it and try take over the entire thing.  "Too bad you couldn't have put it in my name."  I said "Why, so if you were to have a stroke and go into a home they can take the car away from us?  That's exactly why we bought it.  So we don't have to have that happen."  Then it became a conversation about how she wasn't going into a home, as if she has a choice in the matter.  

Sigh.  

Still a good day even though she's annoying.  

Yesterday, I was okay, until I watched a movie where a teenager ties and it was horrible and I cried too much, and whenever that happens, it feels as though all the serotonin leaves my body and I start having horrible thoughts about myself again.  Ugh.  The issue was that I didn't realize the kid was going to die.  And from a writer's perspective, it was bullshit that she did.  The story was basically about accepting your fate.  Yet, that's what life is for.  Not TV or movies.  Oh well, at least I feel better today.  

Also, my printer cord came and now I can start printing all my shit for my handmade journals for my store.  I am excited!  Lately I've been procrastinating on making the one I am creating due to the fact I am terrified it won't be right and I'll fuck it up.  I didn't fuck up my last one, but that one was smaller.  This one is HUGE, and half lapbook, half journal, and now I am faced with actually having to make it.  It was torture pinning down a theme for it, but now I think I actually have it all the way I want it, so that fear seems to be dissipating.  Thank goodness.  

The other day, my mother thought her cat was dying, all because he slept for 24 hours and supposedly didn't eat.  She screamed at me to get him some wet food, which we do not have, and which he CANNOT have, due to him always throwing it up.  I explained that to her and told her if he were eat it and puke, he'd be sicker than if he didn't eat it, and she got mad at me.  So then it seemed like I was preventing him from eating, so if he died, it would be my fault.  Which really made me angry.  Turns out, the cat was fine and he's eating and running around like normal.  She's just so overreacting and annoying.  

So, back to our conversation about how the state will take her car and her home if she goes into nursing care (which is why putting another car in her name is a silly idea--though I didn't say that, I just said it would not work).  I keep explaining to her that she's going into a home if anything big happens.  Or even if she starts shitting her pants (I can't do that smell, no way, no how).  But she keeps going back to her delusion that she's never going into a home and that I'm going to take care of her.  I said "Well, I can't help if you have a stroke."  She said "Well, there is home health care."  24/7 for free?  Yeah, I don't think so.  And I don't WANT this house anyways.  Oh and today she called it "her" house, which it's not, but whatever.  We are building our credit every single day towards buying a new house.  My hubby is up for a promotion soon, to a position in HR eventually, and when he does, we are looking for a new dwelling to buy.  I am also working on my shop, writing books, and doing whatever I can to make extra money so we can live the life we want on the land we want.  We have a small amount of those things here: we are out in the country a bit, we live in a pretty quiet neighborhood, we are butt up against a field and can do things on our property that we can't do in the city, etc.  But it's still too close to neighbors and not enough land.  But we're getting there.  

Also, I started a new blog yesterday.  I've been sitting on my ass coming up with ideas for a way to help my family (and others) change their lives when it comes to community building, so I thought I'd get all these ideas down on a blog.  Even if the blog does nothing, I will have a basis for a book when it's all put together.  But hopefully the blog itself will become a place where people will go for community building in their area.  But it's just a repository for my thoughts right now, so I am not planning on it becoming anything more than that.  If it does, it does, if not, then, like I said, I can build a book off of it.  

Today I feel immensely better, though.  Which is good.  I hate when I feel like that.  Stupid movie.  I will be more careful in the future to not pick crap like that.  Movies that deal with death and dying in a purely dramatic way do not sit well with me.  I have these underlying emotions about that shit and I just can't handle it.  

Okay, off to make some bacon cheeseburgers for dinner.  Yum/