Today my mother was emotionally absent.  But then again, she's like that most days anymore.  But today, it didn't feel like a holiday at all, and I tried to analyze why.  And I figured it out: 

I have no idea how to get into that "holiday feeling" unless my mom is being a horrendous bitch.  

My youngest son said "Maybe we've all been programmed to believe that holidays equal stress and without it, it just doesn't feel like anything but another day".  And he's 100% right.  Because my mother has always been in charge of the holidays and she's always running around raging like a fucking maniac, to the point, I get horrible anxiety and hate the holidays.  When we've had them at home or anywhere when I am the one in charge?  It doesn't feel like a holiday at all.  

Wow.  I always literally thought I was doing something wrong, but as it turns out, my brain is wired in such way that the only thing that gets me in that holiday spirit is my mother's fucking rage.  

Geezus.  That's beyond fucked up.  But then again, how many of us feel that way?  I bet everyone reading this could look at their own family holiday experiences and see it's most likely the same for them.  

When our holidays are laid back and quiet?  It just feels like dinner.  Not a special meal.  How stupid is that?  That we have to be running around like chickens with our heads cut off or listening to someone else like a fool in order for it to feel special.  Without stress, how is it a holiday at all?  

Well, at least my mother was quiet 90% of the day.  Thank goodness.  Ever since I banned her from holidays, she boycotts them.  And I'd rather her do that then participate and act like a total asshole.  So that's something, right?  LOL  

Happy Easter, from an atheist who still makes ham and deviled eggs every year :)